The Qwasar of Stigmata Episode 03 - Those Who Seek

There are many things wrong with watching things that are bad. Aside from the inherently obvious, of course. But one issue that I am having difficulty with, sadly enough, is that the next show I had slated was, quite frankly, not horrible enough.

Which means it has no place here. Sadly, this of course means I must find some sort of replacement instead. Trying to find something short (I'm thinking 10-13 episodes or so) is proving difficult, to say the least. With luck I'll have something figured out soon. Or I'll just have to start doubling up on Sailor Moon until this is resolved. Would that really be so bad though...?

Well nowhere close to as bad as doubling up on THIS shit every week. God I hate this show so much already and this is only episode three. Click on the thingus to see me bitch about boobies some more.

True to form, we begin this episode with a lovely close-up of some tig ol' bitties belonging to old grape hair sickly. Oh, and her new best creeper friend I guess. You know, the one this show is supposed to be about.

This is normal courtship ritual in Russia.

Zoom in on her boobs again, and watch him reach out and begin massaging her chest and holy shit dude did you... yes. He just popped a tit out and began massaging it.

We're sure this isn't a hentai? We are absolutely, one hundred percent positive that somehow, this late night breast fondling complete with erotic moans is not hentai?!?! I guess it skirts around this by saying "they fondle some breasts and that's it". What the flying f**k Japan?! What the actual flying squirrel coconut-laden swallow f**k. Why is it necessary for us to see him playing with her nipple like that?! For that matter why does it matter that her breasts "feel like her"? Who the f**k even gives a shit what in the hell!

So Albert Wily there proceeds to almost take full advantage of a sleeping sick girl until that one chick busts in and breaks the thing up which wakes up her friend, and of course we get to see all the important details of erect naked nipples because... well because.

Seriously, I have honestly seen LESS NUDITY in hentai than in this show. Play the goddamn intro, this is going to be yet another incredibly long episode.

You know, I get it. It's a stupid f***ing concept. However, this could have been handled with a little thing called maturity. That would have made it actually, I dunno. Tolerable. But this? This is downright exploitative. It is understandable that one might want to do research on things like nipple types I guess, but in a show meant to air on television at any time of day, holy shit. HBO, eat your f***ing heart out. This show has enough tits in it to make even Tyrion Lannister take a step back and go "um, what?"

So we get to see baby Sasha walking through the snow or some shit all bloodied in some kind of flashback, and then I guess the Qwaser of Gold murders some old chick with a real rack, and his face gets all messed up by the dude, and then he's back in the snowstorm again all doing the Vader thing, and wakes up screaming.

But of course when Tomo goes to check on him, the only thing he can think of are those big lovely airbags of hers, and he needs to make sure his new source of milk is safe. But she's fine, they don't hurt and feel lighter so... wait what?

... I'm not even going to question it. I'm really not. I'm not even going to question how girls who are still actual virgins are somehow able to lactate. While I understand it is possible to induce that, it's not something that just f***ing manifests on the goddamn spot. Tits do not become giant factories of milk until someone is going to be having a baby god damnit all.

Well he has gone to great lengths to surround himself with them.

So Tomo finally puts together that someone was suckling on her nips last night and starts freaking out, wondering if milk came out. Yes, this is a literal thing that she gets concerned about. Sasha gives a bullshit explaination that doesn't actually address her question (soma is life force, so there is nothing to worry about), and he then tells the girls to go away. Throw in a quick bit where he tells Mafuyu he has no interest in her tits, and points out she's in her underwear and she runs away embarrassed, and we cut to the part where she is stabbing her notebook in class after having drawn lovely images of her choking the life out of the guy.

Speaking of wonderboy there, he's I guess all answering questions on the blackboard so well he damn near sends his teacher into an orgasmic experience. I'm not even joking, that cry of elation? That sounds like someone that is getting something downright sexual done to them. Jesus christ on a pogo stick.

Literally what she looks like as soon as he falls asleep after
being told to please not sleep in class.

He falls asleep, his teacher creams her panties I guess, and everyone in the class except for Mafuyu wants to ride that express train to heaven I guess. So it's time to have Mafuyu chastising him in the hallway for acting that way in class. Yeah like he's really going to care. I think the only person that cares less about this whole scene is me. But then that pink-haired bitch goes up to him and wait what.

I'm sorry what?

Uh.

What.

What?

Yeah my brain just broke. I'm sorry. What was I doing? Where am I?

... good god. I just. I don't. I am incapable of trying to comprehend this level of stupid. I don't get it. I just. Do. Not. Understand. It does not compute. Divide by zero. Flagrant system error. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has just left the building, and he said that your room service sucked.

... I don't know if I can recover from this. I know I should keep going. With every fiber of my being I know I should just move on but I just cannot fathom this idiotic nonsense. The word 'flabbergasted' comes to mind. It's a good word. It's a word I don't get to use often enough. And it's because it is the only word to come close to describing just what this show has suddenly done to me.

What in the hell am I even watching??

I appreciate that you just sit here and read this thing and probably laugh and/or giggle at my expense. Truly, I do. I value this. But I don't think you understand that when I write these things? I am literally spending minutes of my life, many, many minutes trying to build up the willpower needed to move on from this completely mind-numbingly ball-shattering soul-devouring ass-rapingly puppy kickingly cat drowning imbecilic nonsense. Because it's VERY F***ING HARD TO RECOVER FROM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

Like. Why is she even coming onto him in the first place? Does she not understand how bad she is making herself look? This is a f***ing Catholic school and while I know those places breed some incredibly questionable people I don't think they have ever raised something quite like THIS. Her motivation makes no sense at all. Other than wanting to get him away from those other two but why exactly? I just. Do. Not. Get it. I can't understand. I can't. It's like trying to understand how the sun feels. Or trying to swim through a mountain. It's just not f***ing possible to understand this shit.

Oh my god. What am I doing with my life? That I'm sitting here, watching this? Watching a girl of now questionable age trying to pick up a boy of definitely questionable age, who basically runs around sucking on virgin breasts because it gives him magic powers? How in the hell did I ever think for a moment this would be a hilariously bad show, and not just something that left me questioning how it only took this show three episodes to do what Kodomo no Jikan took eight to accomplish? A complete and utter mind break?

Holy f**k. Just. Holy. F**k.

Who thought this show was a good idea? Is it too late to burn them at the stake like the heathen witch that they are? Or at the very least assure they never work in animation ever again?

Getting back to the show. Sasha is all like "shut up, I don't care what you have to say, the more you talk the less I want to listen." Yeah. Summed up my feelings on this show perfectly. Let's. Let's just keep going. Maybe it'll get easier. Maybe.

Oh wait it only took three seconds for an up-close ass shot of someone diving into the pool in a swim unitard. Welp, that didn't take long I guess. Sasha is reading by the pool now while girls swim, and he is watching his two newest roommate struggle with this whole swimming thing (one would think with breasts that large they would double as flotation devices), and that one bitch is being... well. Yeah.

We have a term for people like you: Crazy f***ing bitch.

So the brown-haired one, Hana, decides to go over to the other two girls and find out what's up. By suggesting they must be trying to score some super brownie points by taking care of the transfer student? Okay, so why does anyone care? Oh I get it, the girls are basically accusing her of being a slut. See, that makes sense. Or rather it would make more sense if the dude wasn't only thirteen. That's some seriously sinister shit you are insinuating there.

Oh, then they go on about how Mafuyu's friends tend to disappear. Okay. Now I'm even more confused I guess. Are you calling her a slut or aren't you? Because now you're just not making sense again. But of course Sasha shows up to tell them to shut the hell up. He accomplishes this... by grabbing pinky's breasts and telling her she will never amount to Tomo.

....... yes. I just wrote that and even I cannot believe that is what actually just happened. He feels a girl up in front of the entire class. And calls her inferior to another girl. A girl she is bullying. And she seems to like the groping. Then the bell rings and he walks away and she freaks out and nobody else seems to care that he just molested a classmate.

Okay, so I guess it is probably important to the plot or some shit that the chick that died in the last episode was Mafuyu's actual friend or some shit, and the whole ordeal there was all about how after that friend died/vanished the girls were all "aww you musta been lonely and wanted a new friend" and then Sasha asked if she wanted to hear the 'truth'. At which point the groping commenced. While that makes slightly more sense, it still doesn't make any ACTUAL SENSE TO ME. So with that it's time to have a meeting with Father Starwind.

So it's time to get aboard the Outlaw Star and head out?

No. I'm never letting that one go. Not ever. Never ever.

Upon hearing that those other dudes will be acting with caution, Sasha asks if it's cool if he just leaves, but oh no, I guess he made an oath and is it really okay for him to just up and abandon that shit for no good reason? I guess not so looks like he's stuck here for another twenty some episodes. He walks outside and sees some siblings walking home and just kind of stands there in the sunset trying to be all brooding emo antihero or some shit. Then it turns to night and we're back at the mansion where only three people seem to live Which really doesn't make any sense to me but who really cares I guess.

Back at the house Sasha gets an actual room, and doesn't understand how sleeping on the couch gets weird when you live with two girls.

Great. Just. Effing. Great.

So of course as Mafuyu starts laying down all the ground rules he zones out into the next scene where he is just kinda sitting on his bed looking at a cross and talking to it, wondering why that Olja chick liked Japan so much. Then we get to see Tomo taking a bubble bath because we haven't seen enough of her nipples yet.

But of course she is taking said bath with Mafuyu and decides to lay down that boy, Sasha sure seems to like Mafuyu, why he's always coming in to save her isn't he, so that totally must mean he has the hots for ya. Of course she denies this and instead says it's all just a coincidence while we get all close up and personal with the twin Tomo peaks.

Blah blah she tries to drown herself in the tub, blah blah Tomo tells her she's been super happy since Sasha showed up, and god how long are they going to milk this goddamn bath scene anyways? Oh so we're going to end this with Mafuyu saying "oh he's got Teresa" and then them getting out of the tub all naked and wet and shit and then of course, Prince Albert walking in after having not knocked on the bathroom door like he was instructed just two scenes prior.

Who didn't see that one coming.

But he plays it off as having not even known this was the bathroom, takes one look at both of there breasts, gives them an approving something, and walks out. Screaming, end scene, open with Sasha having vanished late at night. Oh the noes. He's probably out doing something. Like sucking Teresa dry.

Why is it important that he is being more 'gentle'? Is this some pisspoor attempt at character development through continual breast milking? Is it really necessary to keep showing this shit over and over for no reason?

*insert sobbing here*

So who else trots on over to the chapel to witness him going down on all fours to milk the maid while wagging an ass in our face?

Yeah. It's Team Rocket.

But they have to play the 'innocent virgin' card with Tomo who doesn't understand what's going on, and moron pulls her down and Tomo decides this is the perfect time for tickle torture, which interrupts that lovely feeding session going on in the holiest of places.

QUIET IN THE CHURCH.

Now they try to play the comical scene where Mafuyu yells at him for going out without telling anyone, he calls her annoying, she shoots back that he's her responsibility, blah blah, Tomo laughs and yes it is obvious they are supposed to get hooked up together or some stupid bullshit through plot dickery. He walks off and Mafuyu is all "okay I guess I'm not so mad".

Then we're back to that one girl on the boat with the coffin once again talking about how they will soon be in Japan. Then some dudes with machine pistols bust in deciding that a little girl talking to a coffin is entirely TOO F***ING WEIRD and tell her to hand it over. But no, she can't do that because that corpse in a pine box surrounded by roses is her mom. These are some real tough guys though who pull little girls around by their hair and don't give a shit. But then the coffin opens up and cuts some dude's head off. Whoops.

Shit it's another blanket ghost!

Bullets have no effect, blood goes flying, adn the sheet just kinda stands there while the kid is like "damnit now I have to put your whore ass to bed again", and then team bitchface are out on the road somewhere waiting for a new mysterious transfer student. Who is probably that crazy kid on the boat. Great. Then the cab shows up.

... this is literally the dumbest taxi service ever.

So now someone else joins the axis of evil, as eyes meet and blushing occurs and smiles are made and introductions happen. The girl wants to be called Katja, and she is totally not creepy at all.

Meanwhile, Team Not Evil is out shopping instead. Including the nun. As punishment for being peeked upon, cherry is forcing Shabalabadingdong to carry their shopped for goods, and Tomo tries to explain that next time he really should knock.

Then that new girl notices the group as the car passes and she says the least creepy thing she possibly could.

WE WILL HAVE TO FIX THAT.

Then there's a store and they play dress-up with Katja, and they buy lots of clothes for her I guess. There's some weird erotic tension going on between the brat and Hana or something, and once they are left alone, the little girl asks to be unzipped.

God damn this show, why is she trying not to sound like she's about to splooge all over the place? But then the lights go out, the girl falls after using her abilities or some shit, and Hana straight up starts trying to kiss that super smooth skin. Which is not to Katja's surprise I guess, since she seems to have been hoping for this all along. Oh the horror. Note my sarcasm.

Well at least they got this right.

So she talks to a little dagger thing that she calls her mother, and there's a bright red mark on her arm and blood drips out of the ceiling and a robot thing made of, I'm going to guess copper (since that was the word she muttered and that seems to be a recurring f***ing theme with these assholes, manipulating gold, magnesium, etc), and forces her to kneel on the floor.

Yeah I got nothing for this one.

The little girl is all "yo, if you admit you're a perv I'll totes let you kiss my super sweet spot" and we arrive at the end of this f***ing episode.

JESUS CHRIST. JUST SWEET MOTHER F***ING BEARDED BABY OF NAZARETH. THIS SHOW. THIS F***ING SHOW. IT IS SERIOUSLY TRYING TO REACH KNJ LEVELS OF HORRIBLENESS.

AND I THINK IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GETTING THERE PRETTY QUICK.

NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME. I BELIEVE THERE ARE SOME FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO THROW MYSELF DOWN. REPEATEDLY.