Astarotte no Omocha EX PART TWO - Parallel Chains

I have been, surprisingly enough, quite busy lately. Lots of little things going on behind the scenes I suppose, but I'm working on trying to get some ad banners and such ready and to take the whole social media thing by at least tiny thundercloud, if not by storm. It's a thing I can do at work or something.

Meanwhile, here I am returning to this show YET AGAIN. Because this is going to be the longest pile of turd droppings I'll have to put myself through that is somehow only the length of a regular episode of anime. And yet somehow 500% more offensive all at the same time.

With a name like Parallel Chains, how can we possibly go wrong?

... it's Astarotte why are you even asking that question?

So we begin this little horrorfest with Zelda straightening her tie or something, and Naoya and Effie standing by watching her. I guess her dad is coming to visit, but Naoya is all "man, she looks like she's getting ready to see her boyfriend or something" and suddenly I get this disturbing impression that MAYBE THIS SHOW IS GOING IN ENTIRELY ALL THE WRONG PLACES. EVEN WRONGER THAN NORMAL. But whatever. So fighter lady is totes acting all weird because her dad is coming to visit. Okay. Cool.

And already we are setting the bar even lower.

This show absolutely loves pulling in as uncomfortably close to a character as possible while they do completely mundane things, which can only help the animators in not having to draw very much at all. I swear, it looks like she is reaching up from behind herself the way her arms seem to be completely disjointed from her body in that last image. But whatever, because the master shows up like two seconds later.

Oh, so he's a nice-guy ninja. Oh boy.

So this dude looks even younger than Naoya, and Judit shows up to tell us a name nobody is ever going to remember because this is a bonus episode and we see that the 'old dude' there at one time made a living as a Disgaea Fighter back in the day.

You literally cannot tell me this dude does not belong
in a Nippon-ichi game somewhere. Seriously.

Oh god, they're going to give us his ENTIRE HISTORY while they were at it. Killed a dragon in a 'far eastern country' at the age of 16... OKAY SERIOUSLY. WE GET IT. IT IS NOT-JAPAN IN ALFHEIM OR SOME SHIT. WE GET IT. YOU CAN STOP TRYING TO BE CLEVER BECAUSE IT IS FRANKLY JUST NOT WORKING OUT FOR YOU. AT ALL. STOP TRYING TO BE CLEVER.

... so by the time he was twenty he was one of the best in the world but... forced to retire due to illness?

... I'm sorry what?

You're telling me that in four years, just four measly years, scrawny Mc-Samurai-Fart there managed to become world-class, but then just got sick and went "welp guess I caught the cold, can't be the best so I'm going to retire now".

You can't see it it, but I am literally waving my hands around in an effort to not punch the first living creature I see.

Oh so also somehow it was four years ago that Zelda first showed up and WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING ANYWAYS?! NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY KIND OF SENSE AT ALL. You are just saying things that have no actual relevance to one another. First he's her dad. Oh but then he's probably just as old if not younger than Naoya! Oh but then he's not her actual father but some kind of mentor. Oh but then he is not only her mentor but somehow a world-class warrior who tripped over the flu and decided to retire to teaching. Oh but then his only pupil just bailed on him four years ago for reasons unknown?

Show, do you even listen to yourself talking? Wait of course you don't, you're too busy trying to come up with the next idiotic thing to throw at us in a vain attempt to make us care about you that you refuse to take the time to acknowledge that none of this shit is making any sense!

Don't worry. It just gets even better though.

Because, you see, this guy? He lives in a double-pancake mushroom house.

This is the sort of shit you think of when you're high, I swear.

Okay so despite being sick I guess, or having battled the evil ebola virus or whatever the f**k it is he's supposed to have contracted, dude is still spry enough to basically TELEPORT AROUND THE DOJO dancing around little girl Zelda like it's nothing but a thing. BLINDFOLDED.

While it's amusing to just see him kind of step around and step around and not actually move, I have to ask myself: Why did this guy retire exactly? Because he still looks like he's kind of got it and is still in his prime years. What did he catch the Whooping Cough or something?

So Lotte and Judit show up looking fro a bodyguard, and I shit you not, Lotte looks like some kind of devilishly adorable caricature of... well, the devil's daughter.

How it is possible for Lotte to be even more creepy
while wearing more clothes is beyond me.

Anyhow the good Sir Measles is all apologetic that he's totally retired in his FOUR LONG YEARS of killing stuff, but hey maybe this girl could slay a dragon or something at some point, wouldn't that be grand? But there's something Judit also wants to talk about, so they head off and leave the two younger girls to do... whatever. Then Lotte is all "I hate men" and Zelda's like "I'm not a man and I'm really strong" and she's like "cool, whatever, I'm a princess, also you look like a man" and all of Zelda's bragging about beating up kids in the village goes completely down the drain.

Inside Judit is all wanting to hire... the other child, and the Good Ship Mumps is all raining down on her parade with... uh, possibly the most ridiculous thing ever said.

Way to really sell Judit on this deal.

Basically he's like "yeah she's good but she has no idea what she's doing".

.... yeah that... does not exactly inspire confidence at all you realize.

So back in today Zelda is serving tea and trying not to have an orgasm on the spot as he tells her that her tea-making skills have improved.

Why does this show go to such amazing lengths to be
as creepy as it possibly can?

Anyhow dude there is all "oh you're Naoya, Zelda talks about you a lot, have you guys made with the chitty-chitty-gang-bang yet?"

Close enough.

Naoya's reaction to shaking this dude's hand is "man, this dude is cool". But somehow makes him nervous. Okay. Elsewhere Judit is all "am I forgetting something?" and then they flashback to how Zelda came to be in the service of Lotte. They begin with EVEN YOUNGER LOTTE taking an open-air bath with EVEN YOUNGER ZELDA. Because we just haven't met our quota of GIANT STEAMY BATHS just yet, we need to show EVEN YOUNGER LITTLE NAKED GIRLS.

Seriously they are like NINE YEARS OLD AT THIS POINT AT BEST. WHO IN THE FLYING F**K THOUGHT THIS SHIT WAS A GREAT IDEA?! WHO?! Also, WHY IN THE NAME OF CHRIST WOULD YOU BE TEACHING SOMEONE THAT OLD HOW TO USE A SWORD IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE.

So Lotte makes a comment about OH GEE LOOK AT HOW FLAT YOUR CHEST IS LIKE A MAN ZELDA. Yes because CHILDREN CLEARLY DEVELOP BEFORE PUBERTY. SERIOUSLY, WHY. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ANYONE. WHO THOUGHT THIS WOULD EVER BE FUNNY?!?!?!

Oh but Lotte is all "I'm gonna have all the big boobs" and then she makes fun of Zelda's underwear. And decides to give her a pair of her own. Oh, and of course you know they are going to fill the entire screen with that ass, because LITTLE GIRL BUTTS SO CUTE.

If you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to go outside and do some breathing exercises. It's called 'screaming at the top of my lungs with murderous intent until I pass out from lack of oxygen'. It's pretty helpful.

Yet little-Lotte still looks like the devil's spawn.

So Zelda is all taken aback because nobody has ever called her cute, and Lotte is all "with some makeup you'd totally be a pretty noble person" and she does this weird smile thing. Cue more looking at panties for no real reason. Then Lotte is all "why do you want to sword" and Zelda goes "to win in a fight I guess" and Lotte is like "that's dumb, you should be my bodyguard."

..... what.

Just.

WHAT.

How does that even. HOW. I DON'T. WHY DO YOU EVEN.

Zelda gets all flustered and shit, and then... our evil arch-nemesis re-appears after all this time.

Yes. You (probably don't) know the one I am referring to.

IT IS EVIL ALPACA! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN.

It walks over and knocks some buckets over, and Zelda is all breaking the mop stick off and trying to get its attention, but whatever it totally wants to walk over to Lotte for... hell if I know. So Judit starts freaking out and Sir Sniffles is all "yeah there's a thing happening no big deal" and then... then this happens.

This is going to haunt my nightmares isn't it.

So the 'grownups' show up and Zelda is all "oh shit I'm kind of boss" and Lotte is all "that was cool!" and then... we get more stupidness.

Just ignore the pounding noise you are hearing. That is
merely my skull hitting the wall.

I give up on life now.

I think this one's a keeper.

Then the flashback ends and Master Pasty-boy is all "yeah after that we had to improve her manners and shit" and Zelda is completely embarrassed and walks away, and Naoya goes "what a wonderful guardian", and begins to sparkle?

WHY ARE YOU WINKING AT HIM OH GOD WHY
ARE YOU WINKING AT ANOTHER MAN LIKE THAT
THIS IS NOT KOSHER AT ALL NOPE.

And then... I guess someone's psoriasis starts acting up or some shit. Just... just see for yourself.

Are you okay Annie?

Oh but then Judit remembers why he stopped killing things, it wasn't because of some MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS it was because of a "scandal with one of his MALE STUDENTS".

Yes. You read that right. All that build-up? This is the pay-off.

The pay-off is that the dude isn't sick at all. Or rather he is sick, just... not physically ill.

Just mentally. I think. I'm assuming his student was a child.

... oh and that was the end. Like, they fade to black and that's it. There's no more. That's the entire short.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I have a sack of kittens to rescue from drowning or something. Because I desperately need to wash this show from my brain because WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BULLSHIT.