Sailor Moon R Episode 26 - Cold-Hearted Rubeus! The Four Sisters of Sorrow

Well hi there.

Seems there's this thing called a "Polar Vortex" going around, making it literally so cold where I am that water mains were bursting and ice was literally forming on the inside of windows. That's friggin' cold.

As a result of this incredible cold snap, it seems to have also played hell with my sleep schedule and in general made me feel like a pile of shit. Fortunately, I'm well enough to resume, and I've gotta say, it's probably a bit of a blessing in disguise. I'm still getting a feel for what shows are airing, so the extra week to figure out what I'll post next is helpful, to say the least.

Also, the utterly abhorrent show I am considering trying to tackle doesn't air until Friday, and frankly I thought it was probably wisest to pad things out a little, because I'm still not certain I can stomach watching it. I'll likely preview the first few minutes and then decide.

That said, the last two episodes of Sailor Moon have been pretty good. Can they keep up the pace though? I mean there's only four villains left and at the rate they're going... well, there's only about a dozen episodes where Rubeus and Wiseman can come out to do their thing, so I'm just wondering how they'll try to stretch that out as long as possible.

Probably nowhere near as much as Robotech was padded but you never really know...

I really, really love this new intro for some reason. I can't explain what it is I like about it... wait yes I can it's got movement all over the goddamn place so of course I like it. ANIMATION EVERYWHERE.

So today on Sailor Moon, we get to see some sisters fight. Awesome. We begin today in Rubeus' Maze of Mirrors, with Wiseman sort of popping out of the ground to go "yo, dude, we gotta talk about your future. Like, there's the future where you get your shit together and win, and then there's the other one where you f**k everything up super rad."

To which Rubeus replies in surprise, as if the thought that he might not succeed had never entered his mind.

Wiseman continues by saying "So yeah anyways, if you don't want to die a slow and agonizing death filled with pain and darkness and shit, you should probably go kill that rabbit. Oh and do me a solid and get rid of those Sailor Scouts too? Thanks."

Yeah, because the first thing we really needed was a recap of that thing they've spent every episode since their appearance trying to do. He could have seemed a little, I dunno, angrier? Sort of like "dude, what the hell I asked you to pick up some eggs like three weeks ago what is the goddamn hold up?" Because frankly at this point, I would be saying that instead of gently reminding my underling hey, if you don't do that thing I told you to do you are going to die.

I mean that's not something you be all nice about, especially if you're on Team Evil. At least Beryl had that shit down, what with losing her temper all the goddamn time and flipping out when she couldn't get Oxygen on her crystal ball anymore.

Anyhow Rubeus is all like "goddamn woman I know that shit, fine, I'll like, totally throw this one my all I promise!"

I guess he's finally beginning to understand that maybe his underlings? They aren't quite as competent as he had initially imagined.

After the title slide we get to see Chibi-usa flinging leaves around while Koan helps the other girls sweep up leaves around the shrine. I think it's kinda cool that she's around more now, considering she sorta has way more personality now than she ever did when she was on Team Evil. I mean seriously.

Then Usagi starts yelling at the little one to help out a little and she's all "pfft you came here because Rei said there was a  yam party" and then Koan all picks a leaf out of Chibi-usa's hair and she's all "yay you are so nice Koan I'm glad you aren't trying to kill me anymore".

... you know when I put it that way it's kind of amazing this kid isn't freaking out more considering this chick tried to slit her throat. That's kinda hardcore right there.

Well, at least she's still all aboard the 'gotta look pretty' train.

Meanwhile Berthier is all like "man, I was such a dick, and I totally didn't see how awesome Japan is, I can't believe what a cunt I was last episode" as leaves blow around her. Then she's all feeling useless because she can't even help the girls in return, since the things she knew were pretty much jack and shit, and she's kind of mad because she was, in her own words, 'just a puppet'.

It's amazing what a little thing like having a heart will do for you.

But Ami's all "nah girl it's all good, I'm just glad you're our friend and totally not trying to cut our throats or some shit anymore". Seriously these girls.

Turns out they are in fact having baked yams after all, and Chibi-usa gets the first one because she's a kid, which makes Big-Usa mad and they run around because she's too damn impatient to wait until it's her turn for a snack. Typical. Of course this whole thing is being watched over by a couple of others, who are less than amused by the whole leaf-sweeping yam party.

Well gee it's not like you ever really seemed to care before...

Then Rubeus is all like "so yeah, your sisters up and left Team Awesomely Evil, what the crap, next thing I know you two will be all having tupperware parties and getting day jobs and shit, and I can't have that because I am too damn lazy to do my own work. I got shit I need you to do."

Except that it kind of is because there's only three of you left?

Petz then is all like "I'mma just go kill some bitches" and Rubeus is all like "okay cool, take this wand that increases your powers and totally isn't just a gimmick to sell some more toys, and get back with me when the job is done".

It's a Magic Wand of +3 Evil.

He then lays down his ultimatum after handing over the wand: Kill the Rabbit and the sailor scouts, and kill your sisters, and if you fail to pretty much murder everyone, you can forget about coming home.

... wait, so you give her this thing that makes her more powerful, something that you could use to make yourself more powerful, and then you just casually remark that if she fails she can forget about coming back, therefore pretty much insinuating that the wand is worth jack all?

God not only are you a dick but you're also an incompetent idiot. Even Calaveras thinks this is some serious bullshit.

That is a "watchoo talkin bout Willis?" face if I ever saw one.

So Rubeus leaves after wishing her luck, and Calaveras is all "yo, you gonna be cool?" and Petz is all "nah, I'm good, I got this brah, I GOT THIS". To which her sister says "seriously, all of your plans suck ass, seriously are you going to be okay?" But then they quickly devolve into a bitchfest about who's had the worst time so far and Petz is like "seriously I have the worst luck because you assholes are my sisters, and you're all goddamn worthless".

Harsh. Though to be fair? All of them are pretty damned useless as a whole. They try to fight over the wand briefly, and then Usagi eats them both.

No seriously, they transition by having Usagi eat the entire scene.

I gotta give points for creativity here.

Then Ami tells her to stop eating so much or she'll get fat, and Rei is all like "yeah you got dumped since you're a fatty" and Ami is like "uh, no but seriously you should pace yourself" and the other two are all "yeah seriously you don't wanna eat too much of those yams". Does she listen?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it,
does anyone actually give a shit?

Usagi then promptly farts and then tries to say it wasn't her. But then a glowy thing drops down from the sky and lights up the area and Koan and Bertier shield Chibi-usa, but then get pulled away by glowy whips and then the orb thingy floats away with them, and the girls are like "oh, shit, uh, we should probably do something".

So what do they do?

They lock Chibi-usa in a closet.

Isn't this usually the part where you leave her overnight
just for kicks?

Anyway the lock her up and then Chibi-usa promptly ignores what she is told because she needs to get the Sailor Scouts, and then runs up to... see them transform.

Now hold on a second. I thought it was already established that she pretty much knew who they were already? Now she's right back to not knowing? Even though she has ever reason to have known, considering everything that's happened? I mean seriously.

Anyway the girls all transform and Chibi-usa is dazzled and/or terrified, take your pick based on her reaction.

It's the same sort of look most kids get when they walk in
on their parents doing the nasty.

Here's another one.

OH GOD WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!

So yeah now she has zero excuse for being an idiot, and the girls are off running while Chibi-usa slowly runs after them because to hell with doing what you're told right?

Then there's a bridge with some weird trippy colors, and the two evil sisters are looking at the not-so-evil sisters that are trapped in a bubble and Calaveras is like "dude, you seriously thing they're gonna come after these bitches? I mean they did try to kind of kill them" and Petz is all like "psyeah, of course they are why wouldn't they?" And Calaveras is like "Yeah whatever, that wand is pretty dope."

Yeah I guess that is pretty dope.

She then proclaims that she is now invincible and we all know what happens next. Buildings fall on top of you and explode, and James Bond makes off with some hot chick to bang just as the credits begin to roll.

... what, I saw Goldeneye okay?

Yeah because that's the most important thing right now.

Then Petz hits her sister for asking if she can take a hit of that sweet infinite energy (because hey, if it's infinite what's wrong with sharing it? Half of infinity is still infinite). And goes on a little tirade about how those other two sluts went and betrayed her by having 'hearts' and, I dunno, pretty much giving up on everything since they were basically left to die. That's not betrayal, that's not being allowed to come back and them going "oh yeah, well eff you maybe we don't want to come back". So basically you're angry because... they suck? That's not betraying you, that's them getting something better than the raw deal Rubeus was giving them.

And that dude? I'm sure he likes it raw.

The other two sisters finally wake up and... oh god. Petz demands to know where the Sailor Scouts and the Rabbit are hiding.

... WELL MAYBE IF YOU HAD STOPPED FOR A SECOND YOU WOULD HAVE REALIZED THEY WERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU MORON.

But hey, let's be fair, the only ones who ever bothered to discover their dirty little secret (dirty little secret) happen to also be the ones that are now not so evil. Oh and they ask her to please stop fighting them because really they're not so bad and hey, they don't try to kill you if you happen to suck at your job, instead they give you nice things like feelings and the knowledge that you were truly an asshole before.

Well your boss *did* kind of leave them to die.

They inform their evil sisters that they realized what a shitty deal they were getting, and that frankly they were kind of sick of being treated like shit all the time? So when they were cut loose they just went off to do their own thing, because, in their words, "The Black Moon Clan is terrible".

You realize that you spend as much time fighting each other
as you do the people you're supposed to be fighting?

Then Petz is about to kill them but then the Sailor Scouts show up and give the very first team speech ever about how they fight for all living things on the planet, and how they are totally gonna punish the ever-living f**k out of them for this.

Oh and it'd be swell if they'd hand back their new friends now kplzthx.

So Calaveras is surprised that, for whatever reason, they would come to save their friends. Even though it was a trap from the start but they didn't care because hey friends right?

Then Petz lets loose a Dark Thunder and sorta blows up part of the bridge and Calaveras is all "omigodthatissocoolletmetryletmetry".

At which point Petz starts pretty much destroying everything around her and Rubeus is watching from a safe distance because the last time he got involved, it meant he had to do something. And this guy hates doing anything, least of all his job.

Though really he's just looking for the first opportunity to ditch his hired help so he can reap the rewards without having done any of the work.

.... seriously what kind of moron ditches his help before the job is done? That's just piss-poor planning right there.

Anyhow the girls are all "wow what power" and Jupiter is all "I got this!" and chucks lightning at her, and then realizes she does not, in fact, got this. And man, this chick is suddenly crazy powerful for some reason, I wonder what it could be.

Leave it to Mercury to point out the obvious and use her visor to discover that boy, there's something special about that wand, they should probably try to do something about that.

Power levels are bullshit. - Vegeta, Saiyan Prince

Venus has got this, she has a chain thingy that would work if she could hit her. Then Mars follows up with some burning wheel disks, and Petz is all like crazy OP and decides it's time to finish this. But then those good sisters are all "wait, seriously guys stop fighting them, Rubeus is a dick and will kill you for no reason", and they beg for the others to listen. But hey, why should they bother listening? Maybe Petz should just up and kill them already.

At which point Petz decides to just try killing all three of them instead.

Gee it's a good thing nobody would ever want that
thing back right?

Finally Petz has gone off the deep end and attempts to finish off her sisters, but even with 'infinite power' still manages to screw that up, and Calaveras is finally getting to understand that maybe her clan is full of assholes after all. Especially when Sailor Moon comes up and tries to comfort her, saying that she understands what it means to feel betrayed by someone you love.

... god damn it, now they are all finding ways to justify Mamoru being an asshole by somehow making Sailor Moon... an empathetic character. She can relate, and because of that, she can show them there is another way through this.

... shit. It is hard to hate it when the characters start actually making sense for a change.

Yeah, it's not stabbing people in the back. It's kinda rad.

Calaveras starts crying and realizes what a turd she's been, and Petz is all like "god you all suck, it's like you're all some kind of scum" and laughs at them.

... SERIOUSLY THEY JUST SAID THEY AREN'T HUMAN
LIKE, FIVE SECONDS AGO JUPITER.

Petz comes back and is all like "who cares about worthless scum? They can't do anything by themselves anyways" and somehow manages to completely miss the point entirely about why it is they keep failing. Or what it is they need to do in order to win. Which is work like a team? Because teamwork man, it's a thing that works.

Then Calaveras is like "hey that's not really our sister, she's been, I dunno, possessed by the wand or something maybe you could help her?" At which point they all have to work together to get that wand away from Petz, so they use their powers together to get it away. A little bubbly mist, some chains of love, and some.. uh, thunder I guess pretty much solves the issue.

But then Chibi-usa starts running up and Petz's sisters are like "yo are you okay?" and then Rubeus shows up and is all "oh hey you got everyone in one place, cool job Petz. I didn't think you could do it. I'll uh, pretty much kill everyone now. Oh, and then go find some new pawns to use and/or abuse because disposable minions are a thing I guess, so just do me a solid and die or something."

Then it occurs to Petz that maybe, just maybe, her sisters had a point.

Dude just abandoned you like Yoshi.

He activates the wand which starts sucking everything into a 'dimensional crevice' and the whole bridge starts to collapse. Then Chibi-usa finally shows up and Ami is all like "all the energy it was emitting was reversed" and Jupiter makes the astute observation that this basically turned it into a black hole. Whoops.

Gotta give Rubeus credit, at least he wanted to make damn sure to wipe out everything.

Petz claims that she can use the rest of her power to destroy the wand and seal that hole, even at risk of her life, and Calaveras decides to help her out because that's what real family does. Eve the other two powerless ones decide to pitch in somehow, and they all have a tearful moment at the edge of a black hole. Then Tuxedo Mask shows up to tell them not to give up, and uh, to kinda combine all of their powers to blow that thing to hell.

Y'know, because I guess a rose just won't cut it this time.

So the Scouts all jump into the hole at the same time to find the wand on the other side, and destroy it before they get sucked into another dimension. They do all their Star Power stuff, and invoke the Sailor Planet Power, which makes a giant wheel in space spin and some colored lights reach out and break some shit, and then they get sucked back into the real world, on a bridge that may or may not be structurally sound at this point.

But there's one last thing to deal with before this episode is over, and that's purifying those other two sisters, who get all naked and Refreshed while Chibi-usa realizes that Sailor Moon has the Silver Crystal. And then Rubeus finds this out and smashes a mirror because goddamn dude how did you miss that one all this time?

Oh right by expecting your minions to do everything for you. Good job.

Afterwards the four sisters open a cosmetics store together, and as usual Berthier spends more time making herself look good than selling products, and Rei and Usagi get into a tiff, and the camera flies off into the sky and everything is great the end.

While not quite as good as the last two episodes, and definitely nowhere near as emotionally impacting... I gotta admit this show is still pretty goddamn decent right now.

Or maybe my will has finally been broken down and I am being sucked into Sailor Moon because that's just how it gets to you.

... nah, I fully expect the next episode to suck since this one was a two-for.