Diabolik Lovers Episode 09 - Eight Episodes Too Many

So I kinda fell apart last week.

It happens. Polar Vortex whips its nasty little head around for one more go, completely screws everything up. Makes you feel violently ill. And totally unable to do anything other than sleep when not working. Also, I think I may have had too much caffeine at several points, which likely didn't do me any favors either.

I wanted to find a replacement for Qwasar. Honest. I haven't managed to scrape that together just quite yet though. (I have ideas, don't worry, but some terrible shows are harder to get hold of than others.)

So being that I can function more or less like a reasonable human being, I guess I should go right back to driving my skull into the dirt. Whatever doesn't kill you...

I think that being totally lost in this show at this point is par for the course. They've spent the first half of the show basically trying to remind us that these guys are all vampires who live in a giant house for some reason that has yet to be determined and this girl is somehow important to them even if they don't really get it themselves. Not that any of them even care, of course.

Just a quick note: If your characters don't even seem to be invested in your shitty show, how should you expect anyone else to be? F**k's sake.

It is night time. There is a full moon. That dude with green hair is looking over at a lake. Yume is sleeping in her bed, probably naked. But not really since she's a prude. Dude says "wake up Cordelia" and she wakes up and hears thunder and is all "My chest hurts."

I'm guessing heartburn.

Another establishing shot of the house after the shitty episode number thing. Girl walks out by the lake, goes to a mausoleum. Finds bats coming out to terrify her for no other reason than she is in a show about vampires. Let's ignore the fact that bats cannot hover like a goddamn hummingbird, or that they eat insects. Nope, they gotta terrorize a completely brainless, utterly hopeless blonde walking around in the dark by herself.

Is there a vampire trope they haven't invoked yet?

Someone tells her to be quiet and the bats vanish, and she walks in to find...

Oh great, this guy.

I guess Shu hasn't gotten enough screen time or something so they're making up. She decides to talk to him, and goes with "something weird is going on with me. I'm all hearing shit and feeling woozy and stuff. Obviously you are a caring person so I am telling you."

He is totally caring for her. Honest. Haven't you ever read
Twilight?

So he bites down and has a drinky and we get to be bored until he's all "hey there's something different about your blood. I guess you'll be waking up soon. Your blood is different."

Way to be redundant dude. But he has himself more of a drink but when she tries to push him off, he decides to just completely be idiotic.

I don't think he understands how blood circulation works.

He decides that going for her wrists next is the way to go if he wants even fresher blood. I don't really get how that works but whatever man. He compliments her on how awesome her blood tastes and she just lies there listening to him talk about how great it is that she is terrified out of her wits, and decides to go for a collarbone nibble, and he's all like "man, your blood totally quenches my thirst. So I'm just going to drink even more even though I said that it totally satisfies me."

Then he wonders if this is what the awakening is.

... okay not only is this kind of coming out of left field, but if you don't even know what it is, how do you know what defines it? I'm confused and you are not helping clear up any of this confusion at all. Like, none whatsoever.

Yes because clearly you are scared of the helpless girl.

Finally she asks what the heck this "awakening" thing is supposed to be, and he's all "yeah, no bride has actually made it to awakening". Flashback to the first episode where he's all telling the others about how this girl is from the church.

After that she's all "okay that's cool but uh, why am I actually here? And what's the deal with my father?"

But instead of answering, Shu decides to let Richter Belmont answer the questions... because he just so happens to be loitering around all calm and shit? Or something.

I just told you he's Richter Bel- oh forget it.

This is Richter, their uncle, and she remembers him from her vivid hallucinatory flashbacks. Shu picks up his book (a music book) and walks out, and Richter is all "yeah, sorry these kids are all morons, what's up?"

So she decides to ask why she is here, and why she was chosen for this. Oh and the deal with the father would be awesome to hear too.

He all but laughs at her for thinking she was 'special', and is all like "chick, you were just the right age and getting hold of you was like no big deal. There's no 'Chosen' thing you're just, y'know. A nobody." Which is, refreshingly enough, a valid excuse, even if it totally negates all the shit the show has been trying to set up.

Oh and her 'father' didn't know shit about the whole sacrificial bride thing. But she collapses and Richter looks down all impassionately while her hear beats like a drum or something, and he's all "Aw, I'll be seeing you again soon. Awesome, I been waiting for this. C'mere."

The wind blows all dramatically and shit, and she has the smarts to ask what is going on. But he comes over and kneels before her and is all "let's go to her".

Oh, okay. Sure, whatever you say dude.

The wind stops blowing and she gets all glossy-eyeed. Now we see a full moon again! They go into that one room that was closed off, and there's the diary and the photo, which he says there's no more need for. It turns to dust and she just watches without a care in the world, totally under some kind of spell. That bookshelf opens into the secret room with the bloody torn up dress, and he's all "yeah that's your dress so go ahead and put that shit on."

She touches the flower and blood seeps out of it, and weird shit happens as the purple hair lady reaches out for her in her mind's eye or something.. When she turns around, she smiles and is all "sup biiiiitch."

Seriously that smile is SO 'sup biiiiiiitch' it hurts.

Now Cordelia looks down at her bloody hand, laughs, and we get ANOTHER shot of the moon. Which turns red now and the dramatic music plays and all the vampires suddenly feel that SHIT IS GOING DOWN. At the same time. Oh and there's ringing bells somewhere.

I hope you like seeing their equally uncaring reactions, except for that first guy who goes looking for his little girl toy only to find that she isn't in her room.

SINCE WHEN THE F**K DO YOU ASSHOLES
SUDDENLY USE DOORS?!?!

Nine episodes - ten technically - in, and a vampire ACTUALLY USES A GOD DAMNED DOOR. Instead of just teleporting I guess. WHICH WOULD HAVE MADE A LOT MORE SENSE RIGHT? But it's dramatically appropriate so I guess he was... in a hurry... or something.

Anyways red finds her rosary on the bed and gets all sentimental or some shit, and the episode ends.

Who cares? Not me! What, you expect me to give a flying f**k that the only girl with less character motivation than that moron from Twilight had is now possessed by a vampire who was already killed or something?

Please. I would actually be kind of happy if she straight up murders everybody and then the show ends with her covered in blood. That might actually make it good.

... I suspect I will be sorely disappointed.