Sailor Moon R Episode 39 - The Birth of Black Lady, The Queen of Darkness

I think I am beginning to slowly lose my mind.

This show is bad. Just... all kinds of bad, without a doubt. I know how bad it is, and spoiler alert, I kind of know how it gets worse. But how is it that I am just now beginning to lose my mind?

Why, because I am kind of looking forward to seeing this train wreck of a show continue. I can't even really grasp the reasoning behind this, I just... I think I just want to see how bad it gets. Which makes this the campy sort of bad. Or the campy sort of good. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure that it does.

Why does this show confuse me so?

I was gonna say something, but then I got distracted by the opening shot.

I admit it, I just wanted to use this as the preview image.

Let me show you exactly why I got distracted.

Remember kids: Evil? IT IS AWESOME AND HOT.

This is still a kid's show, right?

Yeah, I thought so. After that little bit, they leap into the episode because it's not like we don't know what's coming up next. Crystal Neo Tokyo OF THE FUTURE. The Crystal Palace. People looking for a kid who is clearly NOT IN THE CASTLE ANYMORE. And they all come to the conclusion they should split up and search some more. TITLE SLIDE.

Wiseman is sitting in his eternal slumber palace, staring into his ball. Above him, or in front of him, I'm not really sure since the camera just pans up, I mean it's possible but we see a Small Lady, or Chibi-usa, floating around. She looks to be like, sixteen times larger than the dude so I don't know if she's just grown or he's shrunk or this is some weird trippy camera angle... whatever.

He talks about how memories from the past can leave scars on the heart. Y'know, like accidentally-ing the entire world. He asks her to recall her 'cruel' parents, and how bad they were to her, and I'm gonna guess that he's re-writing her memories or something.

Totally evil parents walking around in totally evil rain.

A frog crosses their path, and the Queen is all "dude, you're gonna trip" and then she trips. Then they look down on her when she cries and her mom is all "dude, I said you were gonna trip, quit crying." And then she's like "I hate you mom" and asks her dad for help and he's like "dude, just get up yourself" and clearly THIS is the catalyst to turn her into a super evil bitch. Because her parents were all "seriously, we told you that was gonna happen" and Wiseman is all "yeah remember all those other times people were dicks?"

Flashback to the scouts asking about her birthday, and she's all sad because they have KINGLY and QUEENLY things to do instead of be there on her birthday. BOO HOO HOO. Mars is about to say something about a birthday surprise but gets cut off and then they all RUN AWAY. HOW TRAGIC.

Yes, recall all your super-entitled first world problems that
were clearly rectified immediately after or totally reasonable.

He comes to the conclusion that nobody loves her. Oh no, whatever will she do.

Oh right become super evil queen bitch of the universe that's what.

She falls into darkness (literally) and sees images of people as she spins wildly out of control.

Literally spinning out of control.

Wiseman asks her to turn her hatred onto the world and she puts on a super mean face, and he's all "yeah let's wreck some shit and be hateful and give you the power of the Evil Black Crystal" and his eyes shine and the crystal ball glows and the metamorphosis begins. Admittedly, it is a kind of cool transformation sequence. But now she has become THE DAWK LADY. Cue glowy blue aura.

Meanwhile, Dimande is sorta sitting around when Wiseman drops by to show off his new gal.

"Wait you're the kid we've been trying to kill?"

He sees the Dark Moon crest on her head and she introduces herself and Wiseman orders Dimande to go back in the past so that he can take control of the Earth. At which point he's all "aw yeah, gonna take some shit over." But his brother steps in to give some words of warning about how he used Esmeraude before she died, but the prince is all like "pfft, whatever, I'm gonna go kill some bitches."

Once more his brother tries to caution him however, quite reasonably pointing out that Wiseman basically holds all the cards here, and Dimande doesn't seem to get that the dude who gave you all of this power and shit? He's probably not one to trust. I mean, let's face it, the man has literally given you everything, from your Evil Black Crystal to the information and accessibility to time travel and all of that, and you honestly think he isn't working some kind of angle?

Paranoia would suggest nobody?

But the Prince shows his brother a holographic image of the Sailor Warriors doing that thing where they're defending against all of his attacks by holding hands and standing around, and he's like "we are really not getting anywhere like this, so we might as well follow through and do what the creepy old dude in the cloak says". He insists that he'll go back into the past, while his brother stays back to protect the dark energy generator or whatever, until the Dark Gate is completed.

Oh and then they invent the eye-f***ing trend.

Meanwhile over at that other palace, Pluto shows up to tell them that the princess they are looking for is in another castle. Sort of. She's actually gone back in time. Y'know. Along with Dimande. Oh and the kid didn't quite seem right.

That 'something' is called puberty.

So that time gate appears and it is once more time for them to DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAAAIN. Oh but while they're journeying, they have to show us as little animation as possible while asking about what happens between the time they're in now and the time when they found that crystal city because hey, if you're already flipping the bird to the space-time contiuum why stop here when there's so much more havoc you can wreak?

But Pluto dodges this by saying "yeah uh, I know you kinda already got spoilered for like seasons four and five but uh, try not to focus on that and instead focus on the bright and happy times you live in already. You know... so you don't completely make all of this work pointless."

Then they slap us with a commercial break.

Once more we are back in the past, at the park where they first left, and  it just so happens to be a beautiful night with a full moon. Shit be awesome. Oh except for that part where Dimande is here to wreck some shit so they should probably be figuring out what's up with that and saving that little girl.

Speaking of, said little girl is out with Dimande who takes off an earing and starts growing a giant dark crystal in the ground below while she feeds it evil energy or something.

Are you sure? What gave you that idea?

They can't allow an evil Dark Gate to show up, so off they run but then a weird dark evil whirlwind shows up, and Black Lady appears to stop them. Who introduces herself as such. Oh and Puu is beeping and glowing or something but whatever. It floats on over and she's all "aww, you remember me" and hugs it, thereby turning evil. It doesn't take them long to figure out what this means.

It was literally like, not even an hour ago!

But they can't believe it, so it's up to her to prove it by turning Luna-P into a giant EVIL UMBRELLA. Which spews EVIL CORKSCREW ENERGY at them, blasting everyone to the ground. They're all confused but she's all "I'll never forgive you!" and they figure out she's probably being mind controlled or something.

She's all "rar hate" and Sailor Moon is all "srsly what is ur deal" and she's all "HATE" and Moon is all "wait who?" and she's all like "ERRYBODY" and she's like "uhh that doesn't make sense like what about your mom and dad who are by extension me and this dude beside me I mean have you actually thought any of this shit through?" to which she replies "GRR ARG MUST KILL."

But what about all those people who loved her? Oh, that was false and meaningless love so that doesn't count time to attack some more UMBRELLA DRILL.

Says the cat who seems fine with everyone else literally
standing around doing nothing. Thanks Luna.

Sailor Moon can't fight against her though, I mean that would be silly. But she gets pinned down and goes to finish the job with an umbrella drill when the requisite rose blows past, and Tuxedo Mask is all "yeah you're being mind controlled, you get that right?"

You do realize that you kind of started this, right?

She throws the cat-ball at him but he just dodges it and is like "yeah you should use that wand thing" and so Sailor Moon decides to do just that, making with the Moon Prism Power. In a very short sequence. She tries to undo all the brain washing, and the girl starts freaking out and going down memory lane when she's crying about everyone being mean to her. But then she shows up and SURPRISE BIRFDAY PARTIES, LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE IS THERE OH GEE WHAT A TWIST.

Shamalamadingdong would be proud.

SO HAPPY IS THE BIRTHDAY SHE TOTALLY NEVER KNEW WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. THEREBY NEGATING ANY CHANCE OF HER EVER TURNING EVIL. And of course this is enough to make her revert back to a little girl because that's a cool thing right? Happy music plays and everyone is happy except for that one guy.

Oh, right. Him. Yeah.

For some reason, during the transformation between adult and not so adult, she seems to have lost her clothes. Like, all of them. I'm not sure why this is either, but she's standing around literally naked halfway through the reversion process, and he's all like "yeah you're still evil you know. Nobody loved you and you are lonely so this is clearly enough to continue being evil."

He explains that the vision she saw? Totally an illusion because it was something she wanted to see. Not a real thing like what he shows her, because evil dark things are the way to go.

Seriously where the f**k did your clothes go!?

Unable to determine which is the truth and which is the lie, Wiseman hits her with soem more dark energy and the happy memories fade away in evil nothingness and mean faces and people saying she's not loved, and I guess that's enough to make her super angry again, and finally gets her clothes back.

Floating up she's all "pfft my name is Black Lady shut up people" and everyone is all "no that's not your name" and she laughs and is all "Yeah soon the Evil Black Crystal will be fully grown and we'll win the world and destroy everything and I'll laugh some more". Then she laughs and vanishes, and the sky returns to kind of normal morningness while the sad theme plays.

Well, bitch- smacking the old guy is probably a good start.

They look off into the sunrise, and the episode ends on a sad note. THE END.

So remember kids, when someone you know goes crazy and starts trying to kill your best friend, the correct course of action is to stand around and let other people tell her that she needs to stop being a pussy, man the f**k up and fight back or something. Instead of, y'know. Helping her. Because helping is for sissies.