Dog Days Episode FINAL - Promise

It's finally over. Or rather, it will be over very soon.

The sense of relief that I feel, it truly feels as though a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. That perhaps I may finally be able to rest soundly once again.

Of course I know that's completely a lie, but a fella can dream, can't he?

It's time for the final episode of Dog Days. A final episode that honestly should have come four episodes ago.

Hold me.

Oh no, a reminder that he can only go home if he forgets everyone and everything he's done while in Flonyard and they are totally not going to resolve this in the next thirty seconds nope not at all.

Thank god this is the last time I have to watch this stupid intro that shows you everything you should expect out of the show, but that it spends more than half of it just ignoring.

When we finally check in to the episode proper, they set it up by showing us we're at the palace where it all began.

Woooo, yay. Excited noises. Possibly applause.

We find Gaul and his entourage are all sleeping and stuff, but Cinque is staring out of the window. Then those weird frog spirit things are doing pointless stuff and now Cinque is walking with the princess, telling her how long it will be before he can come and visit again. Not that he's going to  mind you. Even though we as the audience know he's totally going to have some bullshit excuse come up to fix the situation blah blah f**k this show.

That's what she said. Oh innuendo. You never cease to amuse.

Of course he says he can probably come for a couple days here and there so if there's ever an emergency she can totes call on him and stuff because THAT WORKED OUT SO F***ING WELL THE FIRST TIME. How he is not absolutely furious that he was basically summoned for no f***ing reason is beyond me.

Wait no it's not, it's because Cinque is somewhat touched in the head. I forgot. Must have fallen on his head a few times too many.

So now it's time for the big ceremony thing where everyone witnesses Cinque's grand return back home and stuff. He gets to give her the ring back, and she takes it off his finger, they kinda look at each other for a moment, and someone is still burning the midnight oil at like 9 am in the library.

Seriously, you'd think at this point you should either give up
or tell someone to hold off on things.

Cinque eventually shows up to talk to her though, and she starts crying and stuff because oh no this is soooo tragic.

I wouldn't classify your magical artillery bullshit as 'useless'.
Just saying... that was pretty dope.

He chooses to comfort her by stroking the side of her face, and telling her that even though he's going to forget everything, he's not going to forget anything!

It's the kind of stupid that hurts so bad you just can't wait to amputate a perfectly healthy limb. Because that would make more sense than this piss-poor attempt at brave-talk.

Oh but hey, he has a gift for her.

Worst. Gift. Ever.

Seriously, when is this kid going to remember he has a f***ing cell phone?!?!

Nevermind. I'm going to scream into a pillow now.

So she's going to treasure these things forever and ever, and then he rides off with Eclair who has to complain about having to see Cinque off and stuff. She talks about how the princess is all waiting for them and they shouldn't really dawdle, so of course he decides now is a great time to present her with... his... armband.

... really dude I know you don't have a lot to hand out but I think an armband is probably the worst gift ever. Just... absolutely pointless.

Of course she takes it with a blush, and he talks about how he gave pretty much everybody gifts, and she doesn't like it because it's like he's trying to say goodbye or something.

Oh no let's get super angry about this now for no reason.

At this point he just give up all pretense of how he's not gonna forget a thing, and just admits that yeah, he's going to lose all of his memories or something. Though she admits that it was Rico that tipped her off, what with the way she's been acting lately.

He goes on about how he won't forget anything despite forgetting everything, and she's all "yeah not sure I'll remember you since I'm so super busy and shit". Which leads her to say that if he doesn't want to be forgotten, then he shouldn't forget about them and come back as soon as possible.

I think they really are missing the whole point of the ceremony thing. Eventually he shows up at the thing, that dog from the first episode shows up to show him off or something, licks his face, and then they shake hands I guess.

"Yeah thanks for kidnapping me and stuff, it was great."

Everything is all prepared for him to go home and stuff, so when the time comes he will just fly into the sky and all that. Which means now it's time for Cinque and the princess to once again talk about how it hasn't been a very long time but they've already grown close and yadda yadda yadda. Near death experiences are fun and boy wouldn't it be great to keep playing hero in a fantasy realm where war is fun and all of that crap that makes me want to barf. Then she starts crying when he says he's totally going to be coming back when clearly he shouldn't be able to.

Even he starts tearing up and shit about all of the bullshit he's spewing, and they're totally going to meet again, they promise. No matter what he won't forget them right? Yeah, never.

Then the ground lights up, and it's time to go home. The two part, Cinque walks backwards to his bag, and prepares to ascend into the sky to FINALLY return home.

Oh you greedy little bitch.

Cinque declares that he really wants to stay, and she's all "I LOVE YOU! I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER!" and he slips from her grasp finally, also declaring that he loves her too. Which is why he will someday return.

Then he's gone. Forever. End show. Wait what do you MEAN there's still another ten minutes of this left?! Fiiiiiine.

So now we're back in Tokyo, and Cinque gets called by that stupid girl from the first episode at his house. He wakes up, is all tired and stuff, Becky walks into his room and is all "man what the crap dude" and he looks terrible because he's crying, which makes her really worried.

Turns out he's, prepare yourself for this shocker, lost his memory. He went somewhere, doesn't remember where. Must've been a crazy two weeks.

Googoo. That explains so much about this show.

I don't even want to know what 'iGoogoo' is supposed to be. Really don't.

Also, Becky is somehow surprised that there are tens of thousands of search results for that kind of thing. Because y'know, it's not like these things aren't incredibly well-documented situations or anything.

He's pretty sure he didn't hit his head, he just can't remember. But who cares? He should get to the hospital anyways, and maybe even call his parents. For some reason though, he pats her on the head like some kind of dog, and says "hey let's just get some breakfast".

Then presumably they walk off to go get breakfast.

It's all terribly boring. He does some acrobatic pirouettes and shit because he's that awesome, he watches a plane fly overhead, and he monologues about how he's just a normal kid with a cool best friend that's a girl. Who also has that cousin.

Also, his cousin tries to make out with him. The f**k Japan. The f**k.

Seriously. COUSINS.

We learn about her boring family that will in no way be important ever again, but that he can remember that stuff but not about the last two weeks. WELL OF COURSE YOU REMEMBER THAT STUFF ABOUT THEM. THEY ARE YOUR FAMILY DUH.

He can't shake the feeling that he's forgetting something important, and does balancing acts with his cousin all throughout the night.

Now we're back into fantasyland where Rico gets some books dropped off by someone with a name, and they talk briefly.

Do you not have, I dunno, real issues that you could instead
be dealing with here? No? Must be nice.

Well, here, have some other books about summonings and stuff and oh hey that's a letter. Wonder what's up with that?

Brace yourselves.

Now Rico is dashing off somewhere, as they find out that the whole Deportation ritual was pointless, since it's only used when someone wants to resign from their position!

Yeah, that's actually what they say.

Though, I guess this is where they start getting weird because I guess the memories just get locked away, instead of being immediately erased. They actually have like, six months before those memories really go away. Oh and here's another ritual to re-summon the hero and stuff because f**k those other rules we laid down before I mean what were we even thinking when we wrote that crap?

Bullshit explanation is still bullshit.

So here's the list of conditions that need to be fulfilled: First, gotta be re-summoned ninety days from the first summoning. Okay that's not a big deal. Second, he needs to make a promise to three other people besides the summoner in order to return. Oh yeah and he also has to give some of his stuff to those people as well.

That noise you hear? Ignore it. It's just me slamming my face against the wall as hard as I can. No worries.

Crappy armband gift is still a crappy gift.

Oh and there is, of course, a third condition. What is this third condition? Well, we have to wait right? Until Rico talks to the Princess and asks what it was she was entrusted with before the hero left, despite us not having seen such a thing having transpired in the first place? It's some kind of box or whatever but it is super important to triggering the final condition I guess.

She opens the box, and finds out what's inside.

This show makes me want to punch babies.

This is where I get mad.

This is where I get really really mad.

Oh gee and there just so happens to be a note inside.

They read the note, and he does all of the things they just mentioned because who the f**k talks about themselves in the third person like this without knowing this was integral to the entire f***ing bullshit plot twist?! NOBODY! NOBODY AT F***ING ALL!

THIS SHOW IS BULLSHIT. PURE BULLSHIT. THIS IS TERRIBLE WRITING AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD FOR WRITING THIS DRECK. YES CONGRATULATIONS YOU CAN SUMMON THE HERO AGAIN WHO GIVES A FLYING F**K YAY CRYING GIRLS AND SHIT WHO CARES.

FINE. SO NOW HE'S OFF TO A PICNIC OR SOME SHIT, AND HE LOOK AT THAT THERE'S A DOG THAT LOOKS VERY FAMILIAR. OH LOOK AND IT'S EVEN GOT A NOTE.

OH GEE LOOK AT THIS CONVENIENT TIMING.

Inside the envelope is the ring he wore for so long, and then all of his memories obviously come flooding back, so he runs off to grab Becky, screaming her name and shit before giving her a pile driver about how he remembered everything.

SO NOW THEY SET UP FOR SEASON TWO.

And some uh... very uncomfortable stuff too.

Moments later, his cousin shows up and OH GOOD GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.

DIE. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE.

OH HEY YEAH HE WAS A HERO THAT ONE TIME OR SOMETHING AND HE WILL BE AGAIN WHATEVER. NOW WE GET A SHITTY OUTRO WHICH IS  BIG TRAINING MONTAGE AND STUFF. PEOPLE ARE DOING THINGS.

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I DON'T CARE. PLEASE JUST STOP. MORE TRAINING MONTAGES. PEOPLE GETTING THE GOOD NEWS PROBABLY OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW OR CARE. JUST END IT PLEASE. PLEASE. CINQUE AND HIS COUSIN STAFF FIGHTING AND SHIT.WHY BECAUSE THEY CAN OR SOMETHING.

ALSO A LONELY PRINCESS WAITS FOR THAT GUY WHO LOVES HER TO COME BACK OR SOMETHING. THE END FOR REAL THIS TIME. RIGHT? RIGHT. IT IS NOW FINALLY OVER OVER. WE MEAN IT.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING OUR SHITTY SHOW,
SUCKERS.

AND NOW FINALLY. I CAN SAY THAT I HAVE SURVIVED DOG DAYS.

I WASN'T SURE IF I WAS GOING TO MAKE IT THERE IN THE LAST COUPLE OF MINUTES. THOUGHT I WAS ABOUT TO BREAK DOWN CRYING HYSTERICALLY OVER HOW BAD THIS IS.

BUT I MADE IT. I SURVIVED YOU AND NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE ME WATCH SEASON TWO.

UNLESS I FIND SOMETHING WORSE THAT MAKES ME WANT TO WATCH YOU.

OH GOD PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME REGRET SAYING THESE THINGS. THIS SHOW IS STUPID.