Sailor Moon S Episode 28 - Higher, Stronger! Cheers by Usagi

This is going to be a really rough week on me.

It's always hard getting back into the swing of things after being on vacation for nearly two weeks. It's even harder when that vacation is followed up by busting ass and working twice as much as usual.

Today's entry might be a little bit more curt than usual, but I'll try to make those words meaningful somehow. Probably by shouting with caps lock. We'll see.

Today's episode is all about athletes. Specifically, high jumpers.

Oh god. I can already tell, today's episode is going to have more than a couple of gifs, purely by the episode overview. This is going to be f***ing precious.

Let's get this over with then. Roll the intro, I can't wait. To sleep. Because I'm gonna need it later.

Today's episode begins with something that probably should have been narrated by Carl Sagan.

Okay what show am I watching again? I already forgot.

Tuxedo Mask plays the role of, well, Carl Sagan. For some reason.

This would be so much better with Sagan's smooth vocals.

For some reason it's his job to tell us about those Sailor Scouts who were different from the others. The ones whose mission it was to protect the solar system from threats outside of it.

By the way GREAT JOB WITH METALLIA THERE YOU ASSHOLES. KIND OF DROPPED THE BALL THERE.

So just in case you forgot who these people were or you just failed to pay any attention to the show up until this point (a feat in and of itself really), the cast is as follows: Uranus with the glowy saber, Neptune with the stupid looking mirror, and of course Pluto, with her signature staff.

Also, she's the "soldier of the afterlife". I bet she gets invited to all of the parties.

Now, if you're paying any attention whatsoever, that brings the total number of Sailor Scouts up to eight. But hold on here, are there not nine planets in the solar system? Well okay actually that's a tricky question to answer but let's say there are nine classical planets in the old model which the show is based upon. So far we've got Mercury, Venus, Moon, Mars, and Jupiter, and now Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto. Chibi Moon DOES NOT COUNT. Therefore, something is wrong here. Where the heck is Saturn?

"The ability to be total f***-ups who still have better origin
stories than the original crew this show was based on."

If you ignore the part where they totally missed that whole Metallia thing, they state that when they were born into this age, the enemy had somehow already nestled itself on the planet. By the way, did we neglect to remind you that Pluto is the f***ing GUARDIAN OF TIME? But that's an aggravated rant for some other time I suppose.

Oh but of course because she IS the guardian of time, she'll make an exception and help THIS time around. But not all those OTHER times when threats from outer space came in. Like with that whole Metallia thing. Or Ali and En. Or that second time Aliens showed up. Oh, did I not watch that movie yet? I should probably do that at some point because that's another thing that actually f***ing happened.

So yeah, the only time she's stepped in to help out so far in the series was, ironically, when a threat that is technically from within the solar system cropped up. Y'know, that whole Dark Moon Clan thing. Remember that? Yeah.

Oh good, a title slide. At least this one's short.

So the other girls are sitting around talking about those other sailor scouts and I guess this is why they don't play well with the others, and then Artemis starts crying about how beautiful it is because he's an idiot.

You are some kind of moron Artemis. Some kind of moron.

And it seems like Mamoru is not actually an illusion, and is now sporting a small ponytail, for some reason. And is looking pretty.... Fonzie.

That is some radically different attire you're sporting, sport.

Mamoru goes on to say that the world Usagi (and the Scouts) wish for are fundamentally different from that of the Outer Senshi (I think that's what they're called right?)

... that is f***ing idiotic! I'm pretty sure they're all fighting for the same damn thing!

But Usagi takes this as some great universal truth, sans the stars overlaying everything, and the camera flies up into the sky, up up and awaaaaay.

Meanwhile back at the lab....

Do you people EVER get any work done these days?!

For some reason, Mimet is saying that she has some athlete on her side. Oh right. This episode is something about athletics. I'm so tired I forgot the preview already. F**k.

What happens next can only be described as the kind of fever-dream editing that you'd expect from a 70's movie where the cameraman has just discovered the zoom function. They use it for everything. Everything.

Just. Just. What the hell man. This is seriously f***ing with my head right now.

Oh god get me off this ride please!!!

Imagine a full minute of THAT before the show moves forward. A full. Minute. God I'm gonna hurl.

Eventually the professor calls out for Mimet, she falls over, and he's all like "yeah so I came down to the lab in person for once because I wanted to make sure you were working or something and also the next target is an athlete that's cool I guess. By the way here have your Daimon so DON'T F**K THIS ONE UP."

So she runs off and... they... send her off I guess. Running.

What is even going on in this show anymore.

With Mimet out of the picture it's right back to Twister they go! With the Professor joining in on the fun because why the hell not! It's not like they have work needing done or anything.

So now we check in with creepy girl, who is busy writing in the most depressing room in the world. Her room. She blushes about something, and is watching that athlete dude on the tee vee or some such. He's jumping over poles and setting records and stuff, and was once some frail little kid who is suddenly awesome athlete and that makes someone blu- OH GOD WHAT.

JESUS WOMAN KNOCK OR SOMETHING GOD.

Hotaru gets all pissy, yadda yadda why don't you knock, Kaori makes fun of her for whatever it is she's writing, and walks off laughing like a bitch because that's all she is. Despite having died or something I dunno. You'd think that might make a person a little nicer.

Seems like this is a letter of some sort, presumably to the athlete in question. Yep, that's what it is, Kaori drops back into her room again, laughs at Hotaru for writing a love letter she'll never have the courage to send, which is odd since she just remarked that Hotaru seemed to be stronger lately... oh whatever. She's just... hovering around. Stop hovering. It's really f***ing rude lady.

More laughing as she leaves a second time and now we check in at Usagi going home and noticing they have a guest. Oh look it's Hotaru! Who is visiting Chibiusa who still has the most annoying name in the universe. Urrrgh.

Then Usagi pops her stupid head in, joins the conversation they haven't even started yet, and oh how rude of an eight-year-old for not serving tea you should totally go do that being the older child and bringing it up in the first place OH JUST BOTH OF YOU DIE IN A F***ING FIRE ALREADY GOD. HOTARU STOP FINDING THIS FUNNY. IT IS NOT FUNNY. IT"S AGGRAVATING AS HELL.

Eventually she gets to the point of why she came over. She wrote a letter to a famous person, which probably has some totally embarrassing shit in it about how she looks up to the dude, but has decided she wont' send it because... she's weak? Or doesn't know where to send it to, or...?

This sounds like a great idea, but you actually know in reality,
this would be a HORRIBLE idea.

So they're off to some... stadium... somewhere... where a dude is stretching on the track. While Mimet watches and proclaims she will steal his heart, warning signs be damned!

I bet this will keep everybody out.

Said sign is immediately torn down by Mimet who... uses it as a tissue.

... of the things I expected that was definitely not one.

Like.... six times. She does it six times. Or something.

... what the f**k am I watching?

Then a guard catches her, and she... puts the sign back up....?

What. The. Hell???

I'm truly at a loss for words.

Did I accidentally stumble into Katamari Damacy???

 This is so Japan, it hurts my head.

..... WHAT?!

I have absolutely no idea what the f**k just happened, but I am pretty sure that I will never be the same as a result.

Then Usagi and those other two dweebs show up at the stadium, and Usagi is pushing for them to do this thing for what is probably some kind of selfish reason and oh a commercial break fantastic.

After the break, guess who else has shown up at this very same totally empty stadium?

Okay seriously why don't we just invite the entire f***ing gang?

Blah blah athlete is awesome oh no he might be sought after and oh hey look it's the pink-haired brat saying hi to everyone. What's she doing here? Oh, she came with those other two who are being chased by dudes with... whistles. For... running onto the track field. To... deliver a letter.

Blow your whistles harder. I'm sure that will stop them.

Mimet watches on in horror as they get caught just before they get to the athlete, and... and... and...

What in the name of god is THIS?!

That gif right there? That is the very thing in the episode overview that I saw which made me realize this was going to have a lot of gifs. And oh god. Oh good god was I f***ing right about that.

Usagi tries to explain that they're only trying to give a guy a letter, and all they can do is shake their heads in unison and blow their whistles.

Seriously, what in the ever merciful love of Satan am I watching?!

Hotaru gives up right here at the finish line though, but then the athlete walks over while the... dudes... blow their whistles a lot and stuff and he's all like, "So uh, sup." Then Chibiusa does... oh f**k it. I'll just gif it.

This is the kind of thing that makes you say, "Only in Japan..."

This whole episode is playing like a fever dream. The effects, the awkward characters, the bizarrely barren landscapes... it's all like some kind of dream.

Not to mention they keep looping the same f***ing sequences over and over to build up dramatic tension which actually fails and just leaves the viewer asking what in the hell they are doing with their lives.

Seriously. What am I doing with my life?

It just. Keeps. Looping. Getting weirder. And weirder. And eventually, Hotaru.... does nothing. Chibiusa... falls over slowly? And Hotaru declares that she cannot deliver the letter or somethign so it's time for Mimet to knock down a fence and summon a monster.

... a sexy athlete hermit crab?

A sexy. Athlete. Hermit. Crab.

I'm crying now. I just. I can't take it anymore. The levels that this show have sunken to have suddenly reached a whole new level of bizarre that is truly beyond my capability to process.

What's her attack, you may ask?

It's f***ing Katamari up in here.

Guys with whistles cannot stop... whatever the hell that's supposed to be. So quickly everybody, run or something! She's running so fast she leaves trails of fire behind in her wake. Oh no, the letter gets caught in the flames! Hotaru feels... I dunno. Something? Then the whistle guys go into a door, the ball slams into it trapping them, and Hotaru has a breakdown about the letter while Usagi drops her off in a corner so she can become Sailor Moon and do a thing.

Yeah. I. I got nothing for this. It's all gone. All of it. Gone.

Doesn't take long before she then plays "Mount Your Friends!"

Ha haaaa clever joke.

Then she tries to kiss him, it's awkward as you'd expect, Mimet cries because she's about to win or something, and.... the awkwardness continues.

It just. Keeps. Getting. Awkward.

Eventually, Sailor Moon tells them to stop that, this is a kid's show for god's sake. I think. I've forgotten what the demographic is at this point, really.

Today's episode also inspired Duck Lips. Ugh.

Sailor Moon says a thing about sportsmanship or something, love and justice, punish in the name of the moon, oh and a tiny pink version of her too why not.

Quickly monster, do a thing!

Special attack: Three-legged race. No really.

Her attack is actually called three-legged race.

Time to steal a heart while those other two trip and stuff. Then he gets bad-touched by a monster, his heart gets swallowed, and.... he just looks weird afterwards man.

Who drew this stuff, seriously??

The villains go to run off, and pass by Hotaru, and then... the monster stops... to check on the girl?

Yeah. My brain hurts.

OH SNOP, EVIL HOTARU. FLASHING LIGHTS. MONSTER GOES FLYING. FLASHBACKS TO GIRLS SAYING HOTARU ISN'T NORMAL.

So the monster looks on and is like "man glad I'm in my shell, or I'd be dea-

Oh damn it.

This show. It... it just keeps going further and further into the realm of what-the-hellsistan.

Yep. My brain checked out.

Eventually it comes out of its shell, Sailor Moon rips the ribbon off their legs, grail transforms, and grail heart attacks because we're basically out of time but not so out of time that we can skip all of this incredibly long stock footage. At least they cut a few seconds out of it but it still takes forever.

Monster is defeated, Mimet runs off mad, and Hotaru wakes up to a dude staring down at her saying she should really take things easy because she's such a frail girl. THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. Even he wakes up in the morning sometimes and doesn't feel right. THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. DO YOUR BEST. MAYBE SOME DAY YOU CAN PLAY SPORTS TOO. HOW GREAT. YOU HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

AND NOW HE IS ON THE TEE VEES SETTING RECORDS WHILE GOTH GIRLS WATCH ON. ROLL CREDITS.

Holy hell. This... is straight up the most bizarre episode I've seen so far. And I've seen some doozies. This one takes the cake.