Kenzen Robo Daimidaler Episode 02 - Danger! The Stolen Sun

Well now that I am finished with working a 60-hour work week, I can get back to the important things in life. Like subjecting myself to torture.

Because really why else would anyone subject themselves to this garbage? Daimidaler is a shit f***ing show already. This much I know from the first episode. It hardly even makes sense in its own context.

Strap in folks, and have your ball-peen hammer ready for your testicles, because this is gonna hurt.

Seems like Daimidaler is the kind of show that utilizes what we call 'cold openings'. It doesn't start with an intro, and thank GOD it doesn't start off with expositional bullshit telling you what to expect out of the show. Nope, it just jumps right into the plot in an attempt to get you interested in its schlock.

I'll give them points for pretending to want to make a good show.

In case you forgot this is a show with robots, here, start the
episode looking at a robot that is in the show.

Our hero is getting told by grabby-boobs that this is a giant robot, and this is where they store it. Also some dudes work on it and stuff. Oh yeah, and there's some scientists referred to as "Professors Three."

They really did not need a catchphrase name. It's not
even a GOOD one. At least Witches 5 had a nice kind
of ring to it. Professors Three just sounds... stupid.

So these three are the reason there is a giant robot. Two of them have giant boobs. All three of them are girls. And this is all perfect because there are lots of titties for the boy to grab and he just so happens to get magic powers by grabbing dem boobles so it's clearly a match made in heaven or some shit.

Not even a minute in and I'm already forcing my brain not to enter automatic shut down. Here's a rundown of what happens:

"These are professors. Two have boobs. There are three of them. They made the robot."

"I WILL GRAB YOUR BOOBS!"

"No, grab the girl's next to you instead of mine you horny little boy."

"WHY DOES HE KEEP GRABBING MY BOOBS??"

Because the creative team behind this show are a bunch of
misogynistic, lonely men?

So he grabs her boobs, glows, and overhears that he could be an "S-class Factor" or something.

Hey, you just pointed out everything wrong with this show
in a single line! Kudos for that.

Slap the boy in the back of the head and summon forth your intro, in the hopes that this will save your show. Which it won't because I can't really think of a single redeeming quality that I've seen so far.

After we get that out of the way, we leap right into the show where alarms are blazing and we learn that their secret base is.... underneath a beauty salon.

... truth be told I really should have seen that one coming.

He runs into the shop, past the "auntie", into a closet, jumps in a salon chair that is just sitting in a dark closet for no reason, and next thing you know they're launching a giant robot to fight... a giant... robot?

I'm really not sure 'mysterious' is the word I'd be using.

No, your eyes do not deceive you. This is, in fact, a giant penguin robot. Which makes sense considering the villains are the evil "penguin empire" or whatever. So people are running for their lives, and this buddhist monk dude is just chilling.

Giant robots? Ah I'm sure it'll be fiiiine.

Now is the season of discount Daimidaler with 100% more seats than before. Also this new version is "designed to draw 120% more power out of its pilot".

Needless to say, the co-pilot is not amused with any of this.

Obviously so you can deploy your air bags when needed.

So the robots get to that thing where they fight, the penguin splits in half, and starts mucking about and shooting missiles at his back because he can't fight both halves at once or something.

Jordan and Rodman? At least they aren't named Charles, or
we'd have to worry about a Chaos Dunk.

Then the robot turns into a shitty kind of Iron Maiden, and tries to crush the Daimidaler but then the machines TRANSFORMS. By which I mean, the co-pilot's seat gets turned around and lifted up so her boobs can be grabbed. Oh but this isn't having the kind of sexy effect one might expect and is failing to charge his energy. Whatever could be the problem?

Dunno but then that monk slams his staff on the ground, a helicopter shows up and.... they dump..... porn mags.... across the battlefield????

This makes the penguin robot give up the attack because they really want to collect all the magazines and DVDs that fell from the heavens, and they can use the robot for this task. But oh no the Daimidaler attacks them and so the robot retreats, abandoning the magazines.

... this show is a whole level of stupid I didn't even know existed. Oh and pink-haired ponytail girl is looking on like in the last episode.

THIS PERSON WILL BE IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT
SOMEHOW LATER ON.

Except that she is none of those things I just described I guess. Whoops!

Except for the "somehow important to the plot" part I guess.

It's time for a gratuitous shower scene with all of the professors. At once. In the same shower. Talking about what happened. Meanwhile, our 'hero' is attempting to angrily feel up his co-pilot, then gets interrupted by the monk who points his staff at him and begins to tell him about how this place used to once be just a normal beauty salon.

Somehow it.... turned into a giant robot manufactory or something? You just really glossed over that transition. I mean, really glossed over it. As in, didn't even bother pretending to address it. Which makes me wonder why you are bothering to tell us this story?

Way to really paint yourselves as the villains here guys.

It culminates with "yeah and then we built a giant robot which is our only defense against the Penguin Empire."

HOW IN THE WORLD IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO HAVE TOLD AN ENTIRE STORY WITHOUT GIVING US ANY RELEVANT DETAILS WHATSOEVER?!?! JUST HOW?! NOTHING OF VALUE WAS LEARNED HERE. AT ALL. WHAT RELEVANCE DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO THE PLOT? WERE YOU DESIGNING ROBOTS TO FIGHT THIS EMPIRE? WHERE THE HELL DID THEY COME FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE? THESE ARE THE THINGS WE REALLY NEED TO KNOW HERE.

Who cares the monk uppercuts the boy ala Street Fighter, rips off his outfit, and is revealed to be THE ADMINISTRATOR.

Why is anything in this show even happening?

Blah blah if we didn't help you with those magazines you'd have died in that robot blah blah I'm gonna punch an old man inna face. Wait no actually I'm just gonna grope a girl. Then the old man waves his hand in front of her and she falls to the ground, and is like "that's how you do this shit", and... and...

What the f**k am I watching dudes. Just. What. Am I. Watching. They go into a lengthy explanation of how he somehow managed to touch her nipples, and... and...

I'm ready to die now thanks.

So now our hero feels 'lost' or something, and... oh god this dialogue is just so f***ing idiotic not even a horny 13-year-old would write some shit like this.

This is making me dumber by the second.

I guess there is some kind of deep message here that they are attempting to convey.

Or not.

Now our hero begs to become a disciple, and is told that he must see beyond that which he cannot see. Which is something he has to figure out himself? This is stupid. Just. Amazingly stupid. OH AND SUDDENLY THEY ARE GETTING HACKED OR SOMETHING WOW. COMMERCIAL BREAK. PENGUIN EMPEROR ON A SCREEN.

I get this is the second episode but you've been terrorizing the
world for how long and NOW you want to 'negotiate'?

Turns out, all the villains want are these Hi-ERO particle bullshit magical macguffin thingies. No need to fight over 'em.

The only thing dumber than Midichlorians that's what.

Now we get to learn what these things are. They were... particles granted to all living creatures in the universe? By the "Creator"?

.... my brain hurts even more than it did and that is a monumental achievement.

Not that we get to hear anything else beyond that explanation because it's unimportant and stuff and then that angry parasol girl gets angry and yells and calls the bad guy evil or something and a liar.

.... I'm beginning to think a second viewing of "Mars of
Destruction" may be warranted here.

The more I watch, the less I want to.

You'd think these were joke translations. Except they're not.

Now we get to jump back two years ago back when her dad was attempting to make 'peaceful negotiations' or something. The penguins brought a giant robot with a penis cannon. Her dad brought some flowers.

It was all so very touching.

But then the penguins did..... what. The. F**k.

100% accurate description of what actually happened.

Somehow, this caused her father to become bedridden. He wouldn't even eat his favorite fruit anymore: Bananas.

I'm going to reduce my face to a bloody smear before this is over.

Then she got approached by the Administrator and now she gets her boobs grabbed as what I can only assume is literally her entire job description. But the Penguin Emperor is all kinds of insulted saying that dance was QUITE LITERALLY THEIR HIGHEST FORM OF GREETING.

Which means these negotiations have 'broken down' and so now they're launching "Operation Shadow Hell" which you can learn more about on their website. Which as far as I can tell, must have been hosted by GeoCities.

I think this may be the stupidest thing I've watched by far.
Like, the actual stupidest show I've ever seen.

So this plan of theirs? Oh it just constructs a giant metal umbrella over the city. No big deal.

*weeps softly for all of the brain cells lost so far*

This 'plan' of theirs is supposed to get people to go home, and make with the baby making, which will fill the world with those bullshit particles. Which will help their plan come to fruition. Oh and they have guys ready for a porno mag attack so THAT WON'T WORK AGAIN EITHER OLD MAN.

Except their plan doesn't appear to be working as well as they had hoped for some reason.

As far as LifeHacks go, yours sucks.

Qucikly, send out the giant robot to do a thing again! Say some vaguely scientific-sounding bullshit and order some things in English to make it sound super official! Launch the robot! For the second time this show.

When your giant robot show utilizes the same stock footage TWICE in the SAME EPISODE, you are doing something horribly wrong. Then he grabs the girl's boobs, and fails to power up for some reason. But the umbrella gets packed up anyways because the enemies are dumb, and it's back to fighting with a giant penguin robot.

Things are suddenly bad and it's because the hero is bored of that girl's boobs already. Even though he only really met her yesterday that's more than enough time for him to have gotten bored.

Being in this show is probably the hardest thing you'll ever
do in your entire, sad little life.

The pilots argue about the semantics of 'getting bored' and all that, and they get attacked some more and scream. But then the Penguinbot prepares to blast them with their cannon, and the Administrator is prepared to let them die, unless they can figure out something. This something being having boobs jammed into his face, and so he just rips her shirt open, and goes right for her nips directly which makes the giant robot charge up or something and Finger Barrier the enemy attack away.

Numbers are climbing. This is supposedly awesome. Meanwhile, I could care less because this is just plain f***ing idiotic. Now he Finger Punches, and the city explodes. End of series.

Or not because only part of the city gets destroyed.

.... seriously Japan? Just.... seriously? Seriously.

I. I can't even process this any more.

I got nothing left at this point. I didn't think stupid this
powerful existed. I thought wrong.

He starts calling the old man Master, he gets told there will be a rigorous training regimen or some shit, and the truest words that have ever been spoken get spoken.

Yeah you've got that one right.

Then they lead into the credits and we're done.

I'm going to go out and find myself a bottle of Jack Daniels now.

And promptly club myself to death with it.

It only seems fitting.