The Qwaser of Stigmata Episode 14 - The Melancholy of Tsujidou Miyuri

I think that I am beginning to get sick. Or am sick. Wow. Long work weeks aside, forcing myself to watch these shows may in fact be worse to my health than I had initially expected.

Let this serve as a warning to anyone that tries to watch these shows: They may actually make you sick. Today's case in point: Qwaser of Stigmata.

I'm not sure it's capable of being dumber than Daimidaler, but I'm pretty sure it's still pretty idiotic.

So... did I... miss an episode or something? Because today's intro feels a lot like I must have. Though I suppose since Sasha didn't remember who he was last episode it might make some sense but even so...

This makes me ten different kinds of uncomfortable.

Just as the girl-boy asks for someone to help, help... arrives?

This had better be some kind of bad dream.

Suddenly, I'm not so sure I want to be watching this show ever again.

That noise you heard? That was part of my soul dying.

This makes me want to cry.

You just tried to rape a little boy I'm really not sure you
are in any position to talk about perverts bro.

So a dude grabs her boob, she sends him sailing into the stratosphere, and she declares that she will teach them a lesson. By shooting lasers. Out of her tits.

... by shooting. Lasers. Out of her tits.

Shooting lasers. Out. Of her tits.

Which ruins her outfit but please tell me the intro sequence is coming up now please I don't want to watch any more of this. The hero leaps off into the sky and thank you god we have our next shitty intro.

I'd be willing to call the episode over after that. Seriously. Because this doesn't look like they're going to try to explain this away  as a dream. No. It's canon now. People just shoot lasers out of their tits now.

The f**k has this show turned into?!

After the intro, we get a close up of some tits, and I suddenly realize, after reading the episode's title, this is supposed to be a parody.

But it's the strangest parody ever because Sasha is, no joke, talking to a pair of talking breasts.

*sobs gently*

They are, of course, Tomo's breasts. Because I guess he'd rather talk to her nipples than to her face.

Let's ignore the rest of the plumbing I guess.

I. I. I can't even. This show.

This is not okay in any way, shape, or form. It's just not.

Then what's-her-bitch is all "the f**k are you doing?" and her friend is all "oh just giving him advice also he doesn't mind staring all at my boobs anymore".

My condition, on the other hand, is rapidly deteriorating.

So what's the reason behind this sudden change, you may ask? Well, that's easy!

Woman shoots lasers out of her tits, causing millions in
property damage and psychological scarring.

So of course, Sasha wants to learn how to shoot laser beams from his tits.

... *cries*

Then some news papers roll off the press saying things like "who is this vigilante?" and "Is this a crime? No, it is not." Even though most people would be freaking the f**k out if people could suddenly shoot laser beams from their breasts.

Seriously.

Oh look. It's that person who looks exactly like that other person.

"School swimsuit and an apron? No matter how you look at it, it's kinda f***ed up" says our main cherry pie. Then the hero runs off and stops a robbery or some shit, and turns into, you guessed it, the only person in this show that it could possibly be.

Stop talking. Please.

Oh but then, A VILLAIN APPEARS. WHOEVER COULD IT BE?

Oh just kill me now.

She says her name is something dumb and forgettable and ultimately unimportant because she has something bigger in mind.

And what would you mistress have to say about all this?

And then they were partners. Or something. Now they must train! So out comes her master, who is, as you guessed it, completely predictable.

God help me. What the f**k am I watching?

Then cut to the forest where the S&M freaks are looking for something but not really looking for something according to them where they talk with Father Starwind.

The what now? Actually don't bother I don't care.

They attempt to explain what this thing is anyways.

You really aren't even bothering to research this shit anymore,
are you???

Just so you are aware, they're actually talking about Neutronium. But considering I'm pretty sure these guys never finished middle-school science, I am hardly surprised that they could not be bothered to take thirty seconds to Google that shit.

Blah blah something about needing to become a "Quest maker" which... makes no sense, and we find out that this is a thing which is in Sasha's earring and that creepy copper doll. So basically, it's a thing that lets them use their powers.

Why didn't you just say that in the first place??

Then the old man says that the thing is already in someone's possession and wants their help getting it back, and then it truns out to be that tattoo on what's her name's arm. Which leads us into.... the 'training'.

If this didn't make it blatantly obvious who is behind those
masks, then there is no hope for mankind.

The point of this exercise is to... endure... or something? So begins the BDSM training.

Well that was fast.

Thena plane lands, but.... wait. What? It's not supposed to land? But it has to land? But it's front landing gear won't deploy? So.... a pink-haired girl has to...

Oh just f**k it all. Some dude watches over this,d ecides this can't go on any longer, and now the heroine has bodyguards. But somehow Sasha makes his way over to the heroine, begs to be made her apprentice, and she decides, why the hell not? I mean he's saved her life how many times now?

No it isn't, you became one in like a day!

Now we flash-forward to Mafuyu and Tomo crying on Sasha in the middle of... what the-

What in the ever-loving f**k is even going on anymore?!

This is just... it gets weirder and weirder.

Uh, what?

I have absolutely no idea what's going on anymore.

What does this have to do with anything?

Sasha closes his eyes, everyone thinks he dies, boo hoo won't wake up end series.

People cry, and then the gimp shows up to say they need to skip to the final boss fight. Y'know.

Yeah I'm still just as confused as I was before.

Clearly there can be only one 'heroine' here, but of course tits doesn't want to fight so they just start fighting anyways. Then the thingy glows, and her whole body glows, and they prepare to unleash their final attacks or something, and the world exploded.

YET IT IS STILL NOT OVER. Because of course pinky won't lose, and they sit at the bottom of a crater and there are still some words of wisdom to pass on or whatever.

I thought you were supposed to be getting the thing back?

How much longer are they going to drag this shit out? Another five minutes? Great.

No shit.

Next up pinky has to... climb... a tower... to fight... oh god.

*sigh*

So now Teresa is praying in church as the pinky-haired chick ascends, and meets the final boss.

WHAT IS A WOMAN? A MISERABLE PILE OF TITS!
*glass smashes* BUT ENOUGH TALK, HAVE AT THEE!

Teresa continues to pray for god to stop with all of this incredibly stupid bullshit, and make things NORMAL again.

Ah, but up at the 'final boss', the circuit seems to be 'melting away', so there's no reason to keep playing this game. Except pinky isn't going to stop because she's stupid.

More like she's just absorbed into herself.

Then Katja rips off her mask, is all "oh hey yeah actually it's just me ha ha okay can we just stop now seriously."

Fine. Whatever it takes to end this show.

For whatever reason, I just really like this expression of hers.

Then the building explodes, Katja flies off into space, and the thingy continues to melt or whatever. Then the girl passes out, and that dude with black hair from earlier shows up and is all "wow. That was something."

And he will never show up ever again. Ever.

Now pinky wakes up, and finds herself in the middle of a pentagram, nipples exposed and tied to the ground.

So unimportant he will never show up again. EVER.

He promises to remove that uncomfortable feeling from her body, by purifying it with some stuff passed down by his ancestors. So he slathers it all over her nipples, and she starts having an orgasm, and he slathers it all over the rest of her body while he's at it because y'know, this show. Eventually she cries out, the mark vanishes, and she's back to normal so his work is done. Even though it totally would've come off on his own, so.... why did he do all this?

Oh, right. For rapey reasons.

Then the gimp that got beat up earlier shows back up, and some other chick shows up and hits the dude with a fan into a column. Who the hell is that?!

What the f**k is going on?

This image sums up this entire episode perfectly.

Then the dude gets dragged off, and no explanations were ever given for what the hell just happened. END EPISODE.

If I didn't already feel like dying because of all this coughing, I'd surely feel like it after watching this.

I think the show broke itself.