Kenzen Robo Daimidaler - Daimidaler the Sound Robot if you're not some kind of weeaboo neckbeard - is such a show. Because the first image I saw of it involved giant enemy robots with giant, raging hard-ons.
Yeah, you read that right. So if you weren't convinced yet that this show is going to be absolutely, positively, unequivocally horrendous, then my friends, let me paste for you the entire synopsis for the show found on Wikipedia:
KÅichi Madanbashi is a high schooler who possesses Hi-ERo particles, which are used as an energy source for the robot Daimidaler. He obtains these particles by groping females, and uses them to power up the robot in order to fight penguin-shaped robots from the evil Penguin Empire.And if you are somehow still convinced that there is a chance this show could possibly be regarded as one of the greats of our time, then friend I have a bridge for sale that you would be quite interested in.
Buckle up folks. This? This is going to be bad.
We jump into the show, which at least seems to understand exactly what it is, and decides to greet us with a pair of beeewbs taking a shower.
Yep. Already, my expectations for this show have been met. When the first thing you show your viewers is a naked woman showering, clearly this is some high art shit. So some intercom lady is calling for people to scramble, says some other unintelligible bullshit, and we see that the boobs have been shoved into a suit that is clearly too small. Also some dude talks about how 'mass-produced machines' no longer 'being enough', and they give us a look at what I can only surmise is probably the titular robot.
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| It is about as dumb as you might expect. |
They say some more things that mean nothing as it's literal technical jargon that we have no basis by which to understand it, they randomly say lines in pisspoor English because it sounds more militaristic, and they prepare to send out the EVA. Wait I mean, they shoot out the Daimidaler.
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| Eh, we didn't really need that bridge anyways. |
So they remind us about how the "particles are unstable" or some shit, whatever that's supposed to mean, but off the robot goes, stupidly walking around while... oh god. While we witness the first enemy robot firing its penis cannon.
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| It's seriously a penis cannon. |
I'm getting this bad feeling that I'm going to be talking about dicks a lot more than when I was watching that show all about GAY SWIMMERS.
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| PELVIC BLAST. |
Y'know, this image just doesn't quite do this justice. So here you go.
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| IN YO FAAAAACE. |
The robot goes down, the girl's mask gets broken, and oh no her robot isn't working anymore. So now it fires out titty missiles and shreds the girl's outfit with fire, somehow managing to leave her entirely unscathed, and some dude narrates about how some army with weird robots showed up one day that no one could deal with. Oh and the robot is totally on fire now too. Welp, show over! That took less than three minutes. A record!
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| So they're like Occupy Giant Robots or something? |
Some other girl watches a burning skyline and we... transition into the really quiet and bizarrely weak opening? Oh. Well... I was expecting you to try and follow through with that a bit. But when the first line of your song is "Turn that voracious sex drive into strength", I really shouldn't be expecting a lot I suppose.
Just saying... I've seen Hentai with stronger opening than this. And as far as I am aware, this is not a Hentai. It's merely wishing it was.
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| Folks, this is pretty much everything I know about this show all rolled up into a single screenshot. |
Watching this intro brings back a lot of painful memories. Because I can see where they're going with this. They're attempting to emulate on the amazing greatness that was Gao Gai Gar. It shows with the way they scream "HISSATSUUUU!" in the song, and the wailing is eerily reminiscent of it. Sadly, it's just a much weaker, far less fulfilling song. Especially when you start off with talking about turning your sex drive into power.
It's looking a lot like someone looked at part of Abenobashi, went "hey, what if we did that part about the giant robots, mixed it with some GGG, and made BOOBS the center of attention?" THE END RESULT IS THIS AMAZING PILE OF SHIT LET ME TELL YOU.
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| Okay this is just getting weirder by the second. |
It's gotten to the point where I have absolutely no idea what is going on anymore.
NONE.
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| Hang on weren't two of you just... why would you...? |
Perhaps the weirdest part of all of this, however, has to be the final image they linger on during the opening.
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| What in the f**k am I even looking at???? |
So with that we leap into the actual show once more, with a title slide that is amazingly confusing. Did it not already leap into action and was immediately destroyed afterwards? What is even the deal here? Why is this city not somehow utterly destroyed by giant robot attacks?
Well, there's some chick with a parasol and a cell phone walking down the street, and then some kids at high school call each other by their names.
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| I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER AND I THINK MY NECK IS BROKEEEEEN. |
I want to call this guy Seto Kaiba. Even though that's totally not his name, I can't help but wanting to call him that. Also, he's aggravated at some chick with a huge rack.
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| They want to make sure you know who these super important characters are the instant you meet them. |
So he stares at her rack, talks about how stupidly large her tits are (no seriously that's actually what he's complaining about), and she's all mad about him breaking the rules or something. Also she's his.... guidance counselor?
Yeah, color me confused, given that he is taller than she is.
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| By the time this episode is over I may be saying something very similar myself. |
But of course this is our lovable misfit of a hero who has no idea what she's talking about, and immediately says "I had no idea it was against school rules to ogle your big tits like this!"
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| Actually I think it's against several laws to approach any woman like that regardless of your age. |
But no, the problem is that his uniform isn't correct I guess.
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| Okay. Yep. I hate this show now. Five minutes in exactly. HATE. |
Oh sure, he managed to get everything wright about his uniform, except for the part where it's completely the wrong f***ing color.
If the rest of the show is going to be like this, I may well want to commit some heinous, violent act before we're through.
So she pulls out the right color coat, tells him to put it on, he says "Nope!" grabs her boobs and runs off laughing about how he wouldn't be caught dead in it.
... okay so sexual assault is now hilarious. That's just great.
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| Kill me. Kill me now. This isn't funny. This is torture. |
He keeps running, plows past some girls, flips up their skirts as he runs past and calls it his "Hissatsu". Y'know. His FINISHING ATTACK.
Commence banging head on the desk. He runs off the school grounds, ignoring parasol girl who looks at him and is all "I am totally having some kind of conscious thought right now regarding that boy", and we switch scenes to some old man fondling his wrinkly nuts.
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| Seriously these jokes just write themselves at this point. |
He tells parasol girl to find some dude to test his skills or something. Also the badguys are also hunting people with "Factor qualities" or something? It's all supposed to make sense but really it doesn't because they keep using terms that make no f***ing sense.
Now the girl is tailing the boy but oh no, he dashes off suddenly, and she thinks that he might be on to her, which could be bad I guess or something who knows.
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| Can someone please tell the artists how clothes actually work? |
She decides that hey, maybe instead of being a creeper she should have just gotten in touch with him or something first. But now it is too late, but she finds him anyways and he's looking up skirts and stuff. Then leaps across six lanes of traffic to the other side of the bridge, just so that he can see up the skirts of the girls again.
Oh good god. I mean I knew that this show was gonna be bad, but I didn't know it was going to be this bad.
Eventually, parasol girl calls out his name, and asks if he has some time to talk. But nope, he's too busy looking up skirts but she promises he's not soliciting him for anyth-
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| ... the f**k dude. |
I really, really hate this guy. Not quite the level of hate I reserve for Strike Witches, mind you.... but oh god is he pushing it already.
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| I get you're a hot-blooded shonen hero but you are honestly yelling EVERYTHING so dramatically. |
So he looks over and sees some other dudes have stolen his spot for peeping.
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| What the hell is this show I am watching? |
Our hero gets kind of mad for some reason. Also, I guess those are... beaks?
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| I don't know how to handle this. I really don't. |
These... things decide they've had enough 'playing around' and get down to business. This girl is someone important from the "Beauty Salon Prince Intelligence Agency".
... wh-what in the hell?
Oh and they want the boy for some reason.
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| WHY DID YOU NEED TO PAN DOWN FOR THIS?! |
The hero doesn't take kindly to guys ganging up on girls, and is all "aren't you embarrassed" and they go "nah not really, I mean, we're naked right now so, y'know."
Sorry. I think I just threw up. Hold on. Yep. I'm gonna need to clean that up. Oh god.
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| This is worse than I thought it would be. FAR WORSE. |
They dedicate an entire f***ing minute to talk about their "wonderful front tails".
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| I'm in hell. That's all there is to it. I'm stuck in hell. |
I'm not even halfway through, and I'm considering just stopping. Because.... I don't know how much more of this I can take.
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| This show makes me want to die. |
Then the girl is all "f**k this we're leaving", presses a button on her umbrella and it sails into the sky and... turns into fireworks? Which... distracts the... whatever the hell they are?
Now the girl tells us that these guys were part of the command from the PENGUIN EMPIRE. Oh. So they're.... penguins. That...
No. I'm not even. That makes no sense at all. Just. Just stop. Please. It hurts.
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| ... that is so dumb, it's almost genius. |
No worries here, he'll just fight his way out of this situation. Oh wait no he won't. He'll just get kicked into the construction area and almost have a ton of heavy stuff fall back on him. But he is super important so clearly he oh never mind he just starts groping the hell out of her which causes uh.... something to happen? Then a bunch of metal beams fall on them but it doesn't matter because he's now suddenly Magneto or something?
He beats the hell out of them, then flies off because he can or something, and we get our commercial break slide which is parasol girl basically naked okay f**k this show.
Now he's walking up to hsi apartment but flashbacks immediately the the girl telliung him about how Penguins came from the moon or something and are here to... be evil?
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| This flashback is giving me flashbacks. |
Right. So she says that they are the scourge of the world and must be destroyed for mankind to have a future. Yet fails to tell us why exactly. I guess it's because the plot wants us to be surprised when they finally reveal the secret or something.
Then he's all "okay so you want me to come fight for you and that's great but you realize I'm just a high school student right?"
A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT WHO CAN F***ING LIFT STEEL GIRDERS AND FLY AFTER GRABBING SOME BOOBS YEAH SURE. SHUT THE F**K UP YOU ARE CLEARLY NOTHING REMOTELY CLOSE TO A MERE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT AT THIS POINT.
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| I am so glad they are having this conversation where we can clearly see them. Wait, where are they again? |
This show. It is some of the most amazingly, mind-bogglingly, soul-tearingly, ass-poundingly HORRENDOUS GARBAGE I HAVE EVER SEEN. They try to be 'artsy' or something, yet they open with fanservice. Shots of characters are either too close, or too far away, when they aren't just jamming boobs into 90% of the shot. By 13 minutes in, the plot makes little to no goddamn sense, and we have no real idea of what is supposed to be happening.
Who in their right f***ing mind thought this show was a good idea? Even if you were high or tripping on shrooms, this show would be downright agonizing to watch. WHO MADE THIS F***ING SHOW?!
(TNK) have produced a number of series to date including such titles as Kannazuki no Miko, UFO Ultramaiden Valkyrie, Lovedol ~Lovely Idol~ and I My Me! Strawberry Eggs.
Oh. Well... thanks for nothing, Wikipedia.
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| "Hey, remember that thing where you threw half a building at dudes and flew off in the sky? Yeah that was all you." |
I'm going to a very bad place right now folks. Like, I'm gonna lose it. I'm gonna straight up lose my shit. It's hard to keep your calm watching these shows sometimes. This is one of 'em because of how poorly constructed this shit is.
He walks off, and finally ends the flashback and is all "oh right that chick had awesome tits" and finds the Penguins have invaded his house and are looking at his dirty magazines.
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| Which honestly seem to be about the only thing he actually owns. |
So our hero runs off some more, jumps off a thing, and gets cut off by an obnoxiously 3D car that has no place in the rest of this world. Just none.
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| They didn't even bother with the cel-shaders. |
Oh look it's parasol girl who was about to drop by his place. Oh look the penguins have a robot now. Oh no people are screaming because a giant robot has suddenly come out of nowhere. Oh no.
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| I'm not even going to ask about the name. It's not worth it. |
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| My brain has stopped functioning at this point. I may be legally dead by the end of this. |
WAIT NO THERE ARE STILL TWELVE OTHER EPISODES F**K ME.
WELL TIME TO GO SEND THE GIANT ROBOT OUT. OH LOOK A GIANT ROBOT POPS OUT OF THE PARK. GET TO IT HERO BOY.
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| You seemed happy to go fight some bros earlier. Now you're wussing out? OG Shinji had more balls than you! |
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| This is stupid. You are stupid. This whole thing is stupid. |
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| Having magic powers is, I guess, not a big deal in a world WHERE NOBODY F***ING HAS SUCH POWERS! |
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| I HATE YOU. |
OH LOOK NOW HE IS ENJOYING HIMSELF. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT USING A GIANT ROBOT WOULD BE SO COOL. ALSO THIS IS SOME KIND OF BULLSHIT FIGHTING GAME SINCE YOU NEED TO PERFORM "COMBOS" TO BUILD UP POWER.
WHO THE F**K THOUGHT THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA? JUST. WHO? HOW COULD THEY EVEN?
OH NO YOU GOT KNOCKED DOWN BY THE PENISCANNON AND ARE OUT OF PARTICLES. WHATEVER THE F**K THOSE ARE. WHATEVER WILL YOU DO NOW.
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| WAIT FOR IT.... |
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| JUST WAIT FOR IT.... |
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| ALMOST THERE, JUST HOLD ON.... |
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| CONGRATS. THIS IS THE ENTIRE SHOW. THE END. |
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| THIS IS SO MUCH EASIER. THAN TRYING TO WRAP MY THINKPAN AROUND THIS SHIT. |
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| LIKE SERIOUSLY. IT JUST TELLS ITSELF AT THIS POINT. |
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| MAGIC IS ALL HIGHLY SCIENTIFIC AND SHIT CLEARLY. |
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| I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT WAS GOING ON NOW. WAS I DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT? |
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| OH HEY. BOOBS. BEEN AWHILE SINCE I SAW THOSE. WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THIS SHOW I CHECKED OUT LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO. SORRY. HOPE IT WASN'T TOO IMPORTANT OR ANYTHING. |
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| I'M NOT CRYING OKAY SHUT UP. I'M NOT CRYING AT ALL. THAT IS PURELY YOUR IMAGINATION I ASSURE YOU. |
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| WAIT THIS SHOW IS STILL GOING? GOOD GOD. I THOUGHT YOU ENDED BY NOW. |
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| ............... |
It may have been my skull.
I'm sure that's not important at all. I can just get a new one right?
He blows up the robot. Then he tries to rape the girl. She clocks him with a wrench off-screen or something. Then he's all "yeah I'll fight these guys".
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| *shrieks in agony* |
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| WHAT THE F**K AM I WATCHING?! |
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| This is it. They're taking me to hell. |
I want to die now. Please. Release me from this torture.
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| I don't. What is. How. Why. |
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| This is hell. This is what hell is. I'm sure of it. |
....
........
...........
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
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