Maken-Ki! Episode 05 - Tenbi's Strongest Woman

I wish that I could make some kind of joke about Determination, or simply not knowing when to stop. But let's just get real here for a moment.

Part of me, somewhere deep down in that twisted, dark valley of magma that is my heart, missed this.

By 'this' I mean writing this blog. Not Maken-Ki!. But on the bright side, this episode is the only thing standing between me and the next episode of Sailor Moon. Which I will not lie about - that I have legitimately missed, and keep wanting to get back to utterly destroying.

But first, I must finish what I stared. So today, we break the hiatus. We begin anew... with Maken f***ing Ki.

So, let's just recap real quick. Dude goes to all-girls school, and then crazy weird magic shit happens around him and he's like, a demon or shit in disguise or whatever? Okay. Roll the intro.

Was I running a pantsu counter? Let's find out. Why yes, yes I was. I am reminded of this because of the very prominent jiggling boobs in my face almost immediately. It's definitely one of those shows. I can't recall if this was better than Strike Witches, but I'm sure I will remember this by the time this is over.

Pretty sure it somehow had more pantsu-per-minute despite the fact that most of these folks spend most of their time fully-clothed.

Ah yes. The pantsu. All the pantsu. I'd forgotten what a thing that was. No wonder I didn't want to return to this so badly. It's all coming back to me.

We begin the episode with... a flashback. About how the main character is so goddamned useless. Because he doesn't have a Maken. You know, those crazy magic weapon things people use? Yeah those. Oh yeah and everyone wants his balls for some reason despite wanting to kill him or whatever?

Anyways, we end the flashback with an amazing zero pantsu counted, but lots of focusing on thighs for some reason. And watching people sleeping.

This is not a creepy thing to do to your roommate at all.

Flashback to some kissing, we see more people sleeping. This time its the booby chick who's all "MAI HUSBANDO".

Seriously Husbando is a real thing.

And his childhood crush is like "shit why am I sleeping around all these girls who also want to bone that guy I've known forever don't they know about the 'first girl' rule I mean geez."

Then she goes out to practice in the early morning air, and we see boobs jiggle while she wears spats and sweats and thinks about all those other girls making out with her dude. Who just happens along her practicing in the park and they have an awkward hello.

She mentions how weird it is for him to be out jogging, and he... talks about something completely different?

What the heck does that have to do with you jogging in the morning?

He uses this as an awkward (and I mean painfully awkward) segue into how he doesn't remember much about that fight from the last episode but he totally wants to have some kind of power while he's here or whatever so that is why he is jogging?

Maybe you should've led with that, not that your Deus Ex Machina hasn't somehow amazingly kicked in between episodes.

So he's like "I just wanna protect the people around me" and she's like "OH LIKE YOUR FUTURE WAIFU RIGHT" and he's like "errrr" and then she storms off and totally manages not to scream "BITCHES DON'T KNOW I WAS HERE FIRST LIKE SERIOUSLY HOW MUCH MORE FIRST CAN YOU GET THAN ME YOU CAN'T, SERIOUSLY. I GOT THE CHILDHOOD FRIEND THING AND I WAS THE FIRST GIRL YOU MET IN THIS SHOW SO BITCHES NEED TO STEP OFF AND LEARN THEIR DAMN PLACE."

Girls take their shipping very seriously don't you know.

A little? Only a little??

Then he goes to open his lunch and it's nothing but peas. This is what you get for making jealous girls make your lunch for you, ya loser.

This is code for "this is what you get for looking at other girls."

Blah blah talk about making him stronger, and she straight up tells him to make his own damn meals if he doesn't like it. And upon saying "but I suck at making lunch" she just says, hell with it, takes the lunch, and storms out.

Because who wouldn't want green peas with razor blades? I mean really.

Some men prefer only the razor blades, really.

Ah, but here we go with the first pantsu of the day, and amazing four minutes and forty seconds in. I guess he goes to chase after her, and just dives right at her? For some reason?

Pretty sure he just wanted to grab that ass.

But then we hear a gasp and something falling and oh look she's not wearing a skirt anymore and oh look people are just walking in on this. How scandalous. They're even kind enough to show us both the front of the panty hose, and the back shot too. Because we know what's really important in this show - not the telling of jokes, but the pointless pandering of ensuring the horny teenaged boys are still erect enough to be watching this idiotic show.

They could have just led with this shot, but they felt the need
to ratchet up the tension but delaying it by fifteen seconds
while we got close-up zoom shots of her crotch and butt.

Ah, the pantsu counter is going wild now. The other girls are like WHAT IS THIS and of course this is ALL JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING etc etc.

Everyone in this show is a f***ing moron. Everyone. No exceptions.

Then some other girl shows up, busts dude in the chin, yawn etc can we just move on with our lives? This scene has played out before in this show I'm sure, and we are only five episodes into this shit. He begs for help from Grape-aid who is just like "step off" while she hikes up her skirt again.

NOT YOUR NEE-SAN NOT YOUR NEE-SAN.

They still manage to sneak in another pantsu in the next shot, despite managing to avoid all the obvious ones in the last few. I wonder, do they have a pantsu budget? An amount they need to show every episode, but an amount they are not allowed to go over? It seems like that might be a thing for some reason. Is that weird?

After some of the laziest visual edits to ever grace anime television, grape sits on a bench looking at the box of peas and suddenly feeling bad or whatever? Girl, you have literal melons in your shirt that defy gravity itself. Not to mention clothes that stick to said melons. I WOULD THINK PERHAPS YOU SHOULD BE A LITTLE EMPOWERED BY THIS.

A bell rings, some girls in class laugh, we get some shots of the lovely mountain in the middle of f***ing nowhere, and our main hero bitches about how he had no lunch and is a useless piece of shit.

Sorry, was I supposed to feel bad for this guy who is surrounded by beautiful girls, one of which has literally stated she will do anything for because they're supposed to get married? Because if I was, boy, did I ever miss that train by an hour.

But just in case you were getting bored of this show already, they randomly throw something at you to desperately vie for your attention in the hopes you don't stop watching, and also reminding you about that one girl from last episode who fought a dude. By uh, getting challenged by some more dudes. Seems to be a thing with this show.

Seriously, why would anyone think this was an acceptable way
to get a girlfriend?

At least this time they're just arm wrestling. This is still monumentally stupid, however.

So very, very stupid.

Turns out they were fighting over a club budget or something. Who cares, match was over in like, ten seconds. Whatever. Why do guys keep challenging girls to fights again?

Then that angry pink-haired girl who Shoryuken'd mainbro earlier shows up and is like "OH THERE YOU ARE YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT." But then we change to go watch those other girls walk away from the wrestling guys because this is clearly more important than whatever that plot-related thing up above was?

One would have thought that maybe they'd have realized this,
dunno, earlier?

Oh back to the roof where that girl is like "clubs fight over budgets instead of talking about it like rational human beings." But they're not taking part in these 'negotiations', and he's not taking part because... wait what?

School's been in session what, two weeks at most? Aren't those
guys down below just as new as he is? I'm confused again.

But hey, time to change scenes again FOR PLOT.

Violent incidents in a school where people participate in
Bloodsport-like competitions ala Mortal Kombat? Or
Rival Schools? WHO'D HAVE F***ING THOUGHT.

Oh but all of the 'victims' seem to have lost their memories. So, hang on. Is there any actual evidence of violence here? Because it seems a lot more likely some folks just got roofie'd.

Turns out that was all a flashback or something from their earlier meeting where they learned they were supposed to be looking into these incidents? But they've just been... not doing it I guess? Well, at least she takes the time to let him know how she really feels.

Give it another episode. You'll probably want his balls by then too.

Turns out that instead of hating him for all of the right reasons, she's just a short bitch.

By which I mean she is both vertically challenged and a complete
bitch.

Blah blah we have to work together whatever let's just get this over with. She's going to be getting angry at him for any reason she can come up with, isn't she?

We then interrupt your anime for a completely different anime.

Madoka?! What the hell are you doing here!?

I guess grape aid and that glasses chick are talking to.... some otaku?

Oh boy.

I have to give this show props - all of these knock-offs are highly recognizable. In the last image, we have the bunny girl from Daikon V, and what looks like a discount Chiyo next to her, and in the background there's Luna and Artemis, Haruhi, a dude from Black Butler? And then there was a FLCL reference too. I mean, these guys who made this show clearly like anime. At least, I hope they do.

So why have they gone so very far out of their way to produce this amazing turd buffet I am currently ingesting?

Grape says, look, we get you guys love what you're doing but for now we'll just keep the budget where it's at. Which was super useful information to know? Will this come up again later? Probably not. So that was forty seconds of time that was wasted for us to learn... what, exactly? Oh right, NOTHING.

OH GOOD. EVEN MORE FORCED CHARACTER
DEVELOPMENT. HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE
EXACT THING I WANTED?!

Tiny girl is like "lols you used to be a hard-ass bitch of a perfect VP now you're a big softy prolly cuz of that guy whose balls you want amirite?"

ARE JUST LIVING TOGETHER. WITH TWO OTHER GIRLS.

Cue the flashback slides as she's like 'he's prolly hungry' but then she gets all pissy about all the little things he does and her friend is like "yep you want his balls arright".

Cut back to those other two doing nothing while a dude's stomach growls because he's incapable of buying lunch. So his partner buys him a sandwich. And promptly fantasizes about how 'gentle and loving' she is.

Prepare yourselves for vomit.

Then he bites into the sandwich and it tastes kind of bad or something? And now we get a flashback where grape helped her when she dropped her lunch I guess? I'm confused. STOP CHANGING SCENES SO FAST.

Oh good even more forced character development nobody asked
for at this stage.

We barely know anything about this girl, but already we are learning that she's just a bitch for no good reason? I think? Is that what's going on here? Because I'm really kind of confused. Also, why are they facing off against dudes when they are clearly going to an all-girls fighting school? I HAVE SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.

I guess maybe they went to the same school before they transferred here? Maybe? That's probably what it is. Don't mind me I'm just being an asshole. But whatever, then she got brought onto the student council fight club society and was told to do a great job, and she's taken that super serious because of friendship.

We interrupt this flashback to ask for some juice and then kick said asker in the head so we can flash some panties at the audience who are probably getting a little soft themselves.

*sigh*

Then he goes drinking some water by himself, feels better, and talks to himself.

There's probably a feminist joke here.

Just as he says he needs to show what he's made of, some girl with leggings and a short skirt fluttering in the breeze walks up. Of course, it's important we first establish what she's wearing on her crotchular region first. Because who's watching this show for personalities? Underwear first, because everything else is ancillary. Except for the main character who is so bland it makes that chick from Twilight look three-dimensional.

We finally get a look at this mystery lady's face, but not before we get one more glimpse at her undies.

Boy you aren't suspicious at all. Nope, not one bit.

You can tell this is the person who gets to fight next because they keep focusing on dat ass.

They're being about as subtle as an atomic test.

She's like "I wanna talk" and he's like "Uh kay?" and she just stares at him and he goes "OKAY WHY IS MY PENIS ERECT WHAT IS GOING ON HERE."

Just wait for it. I'm sure this will be great.

Still waiting for it.

So she puts both hands on his shoulders and says she knows the person behind the so-called violent incidents. Ignore how she knows this, despite the fact that it's supposed to be a secret - a fact that she herself winds up reminding him of.

Again, I have many questions here, but I feel all of them can be adequately answered by my comments about everyone in this show being some kind of moron up above.

She totally wants to help him out, learns his name, and then magic happens. Naturally. We finally go into a late commercial break as we find out, oh no, our hero cannot move, whatever will he do. *yawn*

I'm counting the return slide as a pantsu because that is just.... she cannot be more than 14 for god's sake!

So we find out this girl has magic spider webs or something, and asks him to call for his friends. Because that's how spiders work. Then that other girl shows up and talks about how she could give two shit's about her maken, just wants to know if chick is behind this whole thing. Which she probably is.

Then more magic happens, we get pantsu that occur for a single frame (bet you thought I wouldn't notice?! HA!), and more magic occurs. There's more pantsu in a single shot as evil girl dodges the speed lines, and we realize that there's still plenty of time for them to use up all that pantsu budget they've been saving all episode.

Blah blah please give up I have bullshit magic that never stops as long as I have energy etc etc. She then takes the time to yell at the dude without any magical powers whatsoever that he's making everyone else look bad because he doesn't have a bullshit magical weapon to use.

Again, I have no issues with her being a bitch, it's just, it would be nice if she were angry about something normal. Like how useless he is, and how maybe he shouldn't wander off alone or something? Just saying.

They manage to sneak in yet another pantsu while the girl complains, because they made this villain with garters and they are going to show them off at every given opportunity damn it all!

But they use this opportunity about yelling over names for the villainess to unleash her power or whatever and that's a bad thing? I guess it probably works off of knowing someone's true name. What a concept! Actually, that's a pretty novel one these days that doesn't get to see a lot of use anymore. So I'll give them credit for that much at least.

Of course she's all like "man I went to all this trouble and only got the little shit stains boo hoo look at how evil I am."

Zzzzzzz...

Then we get to see a spider up close, because they haven't played THAT theme out yet, and she decides it is time to mete out 'punishment'. Uh huh sure. She throws her magic yoyo and it hits bubblegum in the head and makes her all weak in the knees. Oh but hey dude can make a phone call right? Oh nevermind, bubbles there says no phone calls because dramatic tension dictates that he needs to unleash his latent potential in order for him to prove to her that he isn't as useful as a wet paper bag.

Also I guess getting hit in the chest with a magic yoyo also shredded her clothes somehow.

I think she just doesn't want to be seen getting her ass handed
to her so hard.

So he gets mad and throws his phone and I guess spider girl breaks it and gets annoyed at the 'weakness' of her opponents.

Oh how original.

Cue the "man I am tired of being weak and talking big" thing that happens before the inevitable powerup. Oh no look at that broken phone. Oh and people are like "welp those two losers aren't answering their phones I wonder if something happened?" and people rush out to save the day anyways.

I'm only counting this as one, because I don't want to count
how many times her skirt flips.

Blah blah call your friends or else.

WELL MAYBE IF YOU HADN'T BROKEN HIS PHONE PERHAPS HE COULD.

Bubblegum decides to get mad, and bro is like 'durrrrrrr' and then the girl takes a yoyo to the face. But doesn't because magical bullshit. And then everyone else from the club is like "oh look I guess someone is fighting" and rushes to the rescue. First up? Drawing girl. Whose power is... um, drawing things. Yeah!

I AM DOING THE LEAST ACTIONY THING IMAGINABLE,
AND YET I STILL MANAGE TO FLASH MY UNDIES.

So then grape rides a magical beam of light specifically so we can get a nice close-up of her snatch before she flies off into the sky. Because again, this show knows where its priorities lie, and she lands to the ground, with yet another crotch cam grab, as she prepares to save the f***ing day. Then she poses like Iron Man and is all "YO. UH. I MADE IT?"

This pleases the spider girl who does her magical spider bullshit some more, but I guess grape is resisting or whatever because of how badass she is. Blah blah power overwhelming oh ha ha look at the loser boy audience stand-in who is weak as hell. Also touching moment where SENPAI HAS NOTICED YOU AND COME TO YOUR AID EVEN THOUGH YOU SORTA DIDN'T WANT THIS. BUT YOU ALSO WANTED IT ANYWAY. GIRL EMOTIONS ARE CONFUSING OKAY?

But she is then noticed by senpai who is like "so evil bitch why you so evil?" and then she freaks out and is like "oh yeah some girl or something? Whatever uh, I just wanted to fight I guess?"

Uh-huh. Yeah sure. Because fighting like, the second week of school is the most important thing in the world.

Oh no, she can't forgive you now. That's how you know you're
in serious trouble.

Sorry, it's hard to pay attention to anything you're saying, much
less take those things seriously, when your butt is firmly
entrenched directly on my face. Just sayin'.

They even take the time to re-focus the camera so that the butt is the only thing IN FOCUS.

Again. If you thought this show could ever be taken seriously, there is something incredibly wrong with your brain.

Oh no grape is unlocking Heaven upon her enemy. Oh hey, double pantsu. Oh hey MORE PANTSU BECAUSE WE ARE PULLING OUT ALL OF THE STOPS IN OUR PANTSU BUDGET FOR THE END OF THIS EPISODE. Garters get melted, grape talks about how badass her bullshit magical medallion is, and the hero is like "uh whoa she's doing shit" and suddenly grape becomes f***ing Utena.

Maybe I should write a thing about why Utena is f***ing
amazing. If I haven't already. Oh is this still going?

So she rips up spider's webs, she's like "oh, uh, shit. Well. Guess we'll uh, do this then? Draw your sword and let's do this?"

And grape is all, 'nah bruh, it only lets me pull it out for actual threats, you're just some bitch I'll beat with the scabbard' and then the entire crowd is like "OOOOOHHHHH SICK BURN SO SAVAGE ETC."

*snrk*

Turns out she's a little mad because reasons but then she shreds the yoyo and hits the villain with her magical sword hilt and that's the end of the game. GG WP NUBS.

Then some girls hug, talk about how sorry they are for being useless turds and how great it is when senpai notices them, and I guess the other dude is just kind of hanging out somewhere. Then he pops up and is like "yo look sorry I'm a dick and useless and stuff" and then bubblegum decides he's maybe not so bad and he's super impressed at grape's Maken and maybe he should get strong and stuff too because, y'know, might help to not get his ass handed to him constantly.

Which makes her happy and she totally thinks he can do this thing. But then he slips on his own broken phone, and some other people are like "what's all that about?" and blonde twintail chick is like "pfft whatever". And so the episode almost ends, but not before SUPER DRAMATIC FORESHADOWING occurs.

You can tell it's super dramatic foreshadowing by how you
can barely make out anything despite knowing exactly
who the person talking is since you've already seen them.

Shots like this annoy me. There is zero reason to obfuscate the people talking, particularly when we already know who the hell they are. They just realized that suddenly there was an extra 30 seconds in the animation budget and needed a way to fill it very quickly because they spent too much time animating skirt flaps and underwear and fancy camera shots showing off underwear. This is some of the laziest goddamn editing ever.

GOOOOOOOD FOR YOUUUUU.

Now the childhood friend is out running and preparing to practice her thing in the morning, and finds a bottle of water with a note for her from the other dude apologizing for, y'know.

'Accidentally' falling on her. Again. And making her lady bits
feel funny. Again.

Also that other girl electrocuted him, and she drinks the water and is like "ha ha man water is great".

Oh, and we finally get the title slide... at the end of the episode.

Cue the ending! And what's our pantsu count for this episode?

41.

Most of which happened in the last third of the show. Good god.

If this show spent more time on the actual plot instead of asking itself how it can throw in more titillating shots purely for fanservice, this would be getting somewhere. But unfortunately, it's taken all the wrong cues from great shows like Kill La Kill, and focused purely on the spectacle, rather than the actual show itself.

I have nothing more to say about this show. I think this pretty much says it all.

Come back Monday. When I take on Sailor Moon again. It'll be a grand ol' time, I swear it.

... it's good to be back.