Maken-Ki! Episode 07 - Goddesses Descended to Tenbi.

You know something is very incredibly wrong when my first thought is "oh thank god it's Maken-Ki! and not Shimoneta".

I am not okay. Not in the least. But somehow, I get the distinct impression that no matter what happens in today's episode, it will be vastly easier to slog through than that other show.

What have I done to myself?

You know what this show's about. I know what this show's about. This show knows what it's all about. It isn't going to try and pretend it's not something other than what it is. Which I appreciate, deep down.

Oh my god what has Shimoneta done to me when I'm thankful I get to watch something that is just objectifying women. What the f**k has it done to me.

Anyways, the OP is ending. I'll shut up and try to pay attention. We begin with a minor recap from one of the girls about how the main character is just like everyone watching: a lonely virgin slow on the uptake, and whose main goal in life is to imagine what it must be like to have all of the sex while totally not taking into consideration that these are supposed to be people with thoughts and feelings all of their own.

I say supposed to because this is Maken-Ki!, after all. They abandoned any pretense of people having logical motivations like five episodes ago. At this point they're just coasting until they get to show some nipples or flash panties again.

Anyways, cat girl from last episode finishes telling us all of the things and that they now have a cat, and not a single pantsu was spotted during the flashback. An interesting choice, given their track record. But if they were hoping to turn things around at this point, then my friend, they clearly have abandoned their core audience. You know. The ones that want the boobies.

So when the episode finally does begin, what do we see?

It's all very picturesque.

So there's some other little girl in the car and we see this is a nunnery where some nun (big surprise!) is talking with some... person named Demitra.

Their gender is highly questionable at this point.

Turns out this 'Demitra' is a woman. Or appears to be if her facial construction is any indication, which it usually is, but this is anime. Also, they might have cast a female VA to throw us off. All I'm saying here is that you should always question someone's gender when you aren't entirely certain because shit in anime can get freaking weird.

Are we gonna smashcut to you murdering some orphans or kicking
puppies or something because I feel like this is where this is going.

Then the girl with the camera is like "LOOK AT THE CAMERA HA HA HA" and then the phone in the car rings. Holy crap this could only get more Christian if everyone were wearing crosses. Which, considering the lady in question claims to have grown up in a literal convent, I'm amazed there AREN'T more of plastered all over the goddamn place. Whatever, this phone ringing is supposed to be ominous, because it's 'work' calling.

I'm still holding out for that smashcut.

Anyways sorry nun, I gotta put on my SERIOUS FACE and then peel out onto the road and... jump to an idol on stage shoving her butt in my face. Pantsu number one at just shy of three minutes in.

It lingers there for a long time too. Then we're finally in a dressing room back stage. Another phone ringing. Oh boy. BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE! Because we're hopping scenes. Again. A BANK ROBBERY IN PROGRESS OR SO THE COPS ARE NARRATING TO US. Better watch out bank robbers because they're calling in the SPECIAL UNIT.

I get the feeling though that these guys must be pretty terrible at their job because not only are they not in a bank, but an abandoned building, they also have hostages.

If one is escaping from a bank, one does not usually take the hostages with them to use as a shield, because you will never lose your pursuers that way. Also, he's using a shotgun. Whatever, glasses dude is probably about to get straight f***ed.

Oh look, it's Jill Valentine.

Complete with pantsu number two.

BUT HER PHONE RINGS. And shotgun dude is like "the f**k is wrong with you seriously" and puts a gun to her head and she all doesn't give a shit because she's Jill f***ing Valentine. Which means she answers that shit and is like "yo, gimme five minutes" and hangs up like a boss.

Dude is all trying to give her orders and she's all ignoring the camera angles creeping up her legs and stares him down and is like "bro do you even anime?", throws the phone, kicks him in the face, then grabs the phone and is like "yeah did I say five minutes I meant five seconds what's up."

AND NOW SOMEONE IS HAVING TEA. I don't know what any of this has to do with the show we were watching, and frankly I'm a little concerned that they are introducing so many new characters all at once, but I get the impression they are trying to build up to something far larger than they can ever hope to pay off on.

Some posh chick is all having tea and reading manga and being all "man I wanna Japan and see all the animes!"

Someone has never seen Japanese girls on the Internets.

... for the record, yes they are cute.

But then. HER PHONE RINGS.

And now A HELICOPTER FLYING OVER A FOREST. Oh wait no it's just that stupid school. They have permission to land BUT NEVER MIND MILITARY DUDES. I WILL JUST LEAP OUT. YOU HAVE FLOWN ME FAR ENOUGH.

I AM WELL EQUIPPED FOR THIS BECAUSE MY SHOULDER
PADS DOUBLE AS WINGS.

Blah blah he's gonna give them rave reviews and... prepares to shove two girls out of a helicopter.

DOES ANYBODY ELSE GET THE DISTINCT IMPRESSION
THAT THIS IS, PERHAPS, A REALLY TERRIBLE IDEA?!

He mentions their names but then we cut to THE PRINCIPAL. Who is sleeping and then some other people are getting dragged away and that dude who makes things is like "yo where's that dude I got a thing".

How convenient, you just so happened to be dragging him along!

Also, I'd like to note their unusual choice to not be showing off panties at every opportunity. Did they really think a plot is going to keep their audience's attention? Also, don't these two people hate one another? Or did they make up between episodes and suddenly are buddy buddy again?

We then jump into a segment that I hope doesn't become recurring.

I get the feeling it might however.

A couple of girls were about to get their fight on and then he patted their tits and they beat the shit out of him. Oh the hilarity. Oh good the segement is over, guess I should pay attention again. Is he still alive? Yes, he is still alive. This is a stupid question. You are a stupid person. This is a stupid show. Can we move along?

I GOT THAT THING I SENT FOR YOU.

Congratulations, you now have a Maken. BUT WAIT. HELICOPTERS OVER THE SCHOOL. And... magical light boxes?

Not only is this going to take longer to get down than it would
take to RIDE THE HELICOPTER DOWN, it's going to hurt
a lot more as well.

OH WAIT SORRY DUDE GUESS I HAVE TO GIVE YOU THAT THING LATER. ALSO PRINCIPAL THERE IS A HELICOPTER ABOVE YOUR SCHOOL MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK OUT THE WINDOW.

Oh look, all of those people we saw in the first part of the episode are descending upon the school. For some reason.

And yes. They're flashing their panties. Well, most of them.

Then the Principal is like "OH COULD THIS BE?" and then a giant flower walks in her door and oh it's that guy who is now hitting on her and she's like "uh huh cool".

BITCH I AIN'T GOT TIME FO YO SHIT.

Oh and she's now being saddled with "exchange students" suddenly. All of who probably have magical powers for no adequately explained reason. Who are literally here just to fight. Even though at least ONE of them is clearly strong enough to warrant being an entire special forces team on her own.

At least three of them are too old to be 'students', but let's ignore
this because it's more convenient for the plot.

All of them are... called Venus? Wait okay now I'm even more confused. Are you saying that's how you refer to them, as Venus...? Venuses? Venusians? Look, you chose the most annoying f***ing name to pluralize. Are you saying they are collectively known as Venus? I DON'T KNOW. OR ARE ALL OF THEIR NAMES SIMPLY VENUS? HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL THEM APART?

That would be great to know but you'll probably put off telling
us until the latter half of the episode because drama.

Anyways, he tells them a thing.

Whoa now, slow down there buddy.

At this point, I take some issue with the people in charge of the subtitles, because I am pretty sure it should actually be Yamato-no-orochi. Which is much easier to digest, but I digress. Something about a giant snake demon? Oh noes, super serious plot deve- nevermind she just laughs that shit off because that shit is dumb and doesn't exist.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN OTHER PEOPLE DON'T. OH NOOOO. YOU CAN TELL THIS IS A SUPER SERIOUS SCENE BECAUSE THEY ARE USING TELEVISION STATIC ALL OVER. THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW. THAT THE SHIT IS GOING DOWN HARD.

What country, exactly? Japan? Russia? Latveria?

Also there's some talk about... gods? Who used to rule the world? I'm a little bit lost now. So there were gods that used to rule the world but a team of four warriors of light said "f**k that" and they formed a boy band and wrecked some shit? I guess they went by the name of Kamigari which is just a fancy way of saying "god-killers". They were super ahead of their time, y'know.

Then there's some more boring exposition about the mountain's element doing weird shit in the last couple of years. Which can only mean ONE THING.

I'm trying very hard to keep up with your plot, but you're
just moving too fast for me.

At this point, I'm trying to figure out if they decided to scrap the original plot, or if this was their intention all along and they are just now getting around to talking about this shit. I am pretty sure I don't remember any talk about the world being ruled by gods or anything, because I'm fairly sure the real world never had anything like that in it, and this is supposed to be set in the real world, or so we were told. A real world where magic exists in like one place I guess.

... suddenly, I have far more questions than I feel like dealing with because it gives me a headache.

Oh noooo not the seal. Quick, kiss the rose by a grave!

Oh are you still talking? I'm struggling to stay awake bruh.

Anyways he was sent here to do a thing and that's why he's here. So it's time for that other guy to show up and be all angry and this dude not telling him he was coming I'm guessing?

Also he brought some teachers as backup.

Blah blah what are you doing here blah blah long time no see.

It's like everyone here are just soulless dolls trying to play
the parts of human beings.

Oh hey, let's have an argument just within earshot of the people I was going to talk to earlier but ditched.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with them at all.

So it turns out, this Maken-Ki thing hasn't been around forever. But Makens... have? Again, I'm getting hella confused here. Because either the weapons have been around forever, or they haven't. And if you're new, and this whole school thing is just a front to train magical people (which also hasn't been around for long? Again, relatively unclear on this), I am, once more, left with all kinds of questions.

Oh but forget that, it's time to start hitting on the student body!

Dude literally just became a teacher and he's already
macking on his students. The f**k.

He at least introduces himself...?

Okay, glad you clarified THAT one.

Glasses girl takes the time to get moist at this dude being all polite and shit.

Because nothing gets a lady going like good manners.

Aren't you a teacher now? I'm a bit confused by your having
to ask permission for this shit.

Oh but of course she'll show him around! Also, the idol takes the time to hit on the only other dude presumably her age, and addresses him appropriately. In English.

But she does it in a Japanese accent because the VA
has no idea how native English speakers actually talk.

Also, they give us a very close-up shot of her face which only makes this even more alarming.

BEWARE THE SNAGGLETOOTH. SHE CLEARLY HAS
A THING FOR CATS.

Those other chicks leave, grape escape gets all huffy, and then the others are like "oh yeah those assholes yeah we used to be a thing back in the day because we were all in the same class or some shit".

Yes, you've told us this FOUR TIMES NOW.

Anyways they've spent the first half of the f***ing episode establishing that now they will all be WORKING TOGETHER.

Sweet mother of god. How ever will they fit in their requisite unnecessary panty shots and fight sequences with the time they have left?

Oh god don't answer that.

It's time for all of them to introduce themselves.

Twins. Right.

Shut up, stupid cat girl.

Anyways, during the introductions one of them feels as if that one girl seems kind of familiar. The one with the huge rack, of course.

Whose bright idea was it to name the idol Syria?

Now she's more Chun Li than Jill Valentine. I'll just call her
China Girl though because that works for me. Also, pantsu #7.

Blah blah people who are weak are useless and I only have time for STRONG PEOPLE. Boring. Next!

MY CHEST IS UNNATURALLY LARGE!

Time for them to be DARK AND EDGY. Especially the one who grew up in a nunnery.

It only took them eleven minutes, but they got there.

Then they take the time to say that nobody here knows what a real fight is because this is a school.

NO. F***ING. SHIT. OF COURSE NOT. THAT IS WHY THIS IS A SCHOOL, NOT A F***ING WARZONE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ANY OF YOU PEOPLE. DON'T F***ING TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE LEARNING THE ART OF MAGICAL COMBAT BY SAYING THEY DON'T KNOW SHIT BECAUSE THEY ARE STILL LEARNING THINGS. GOOD F***ING GOD.

ALSO. IF YOU'RE ALL SUCH EXPERTS THEN WHY ARE ANY OF YOU STUDENTS? THIS IS A BULLSHIT JUSTIFICATION AND WE ALL KNOW IT.

Anyways then that one with the red hair gets all pissy because the new kids are talking shit and she doesn't like that so hey let's have a fight.

Wait are we NOT in Japan? Because if not... where the f**k
is this show taking place?!

Oh no, people want to fight. So they're going to go fight. And then make out.

Of course the one who draws is the one to be all 'yay lesbos'.

But then suddenly they're... not allowed to fight because it's forbidden? I guess members of the same group aren't allowed to beat the shit out of one another so instead they're...

... going to have a sports competition.

I am beginning to question if anybody working on this has any idea what their show is about anymore.

Also, it's time for a commercial break.

Counting this as pantsu.

The return slide is even more racy, and counts for a double pantsu combo.

Now they are outside in front of that statue and they avoid the massive pantsu counters from going wild by... having everyone wearing gym spats.

Oh and they're playing 3v3 volleyball.

Cheeky bastards are finding ways around my counting ways.

We know how sports work.

She is our ref because we say she is.

The dialogue is just so f***ing dumb I can barely pay attention to what's being said.

So much dumb.

Oh, wait! There's a cheerleading section. And the only things we get to see?

You guessed it. The waistline. As they jump up and down.

I want you to die in the most horrible way imaginable. Can you
do that? No? Okay then. Carry on.

Also they give us the most obnoxious camera pans like this was some kind of f***ing visual novel. You know why you can pan and zoom a camera around like crazy in a VN? BECAUSE IT'S A STATIC F***ING IMAGE AND THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO SIMULATE MOVEMENT.

Anyways shut up EXTREME VOLLEYBALL COMMENCES.

Time to do the volleyball thing, and then it's suddenly Volley Ball Z. Also, people are using Elements because f**k sports am I right? Also let's just get a view of all of the butts. But only one of which counts as pantsu because of stupid costume restrictions.

Also we give you some of the most soulless animation seen right next to Hametsu no Mars. Yeah, it's pretty horrible. More volley ball and hitting on foreign students and... oh my god.

They went with the shitty photoshop filter montage instead
of animating the most exciting scene of the episode.

I think they just went "shit we ran out of time F**K WHAT DO WE DO?!" and someone went "QUICK! GRAB THE STORYBOARD PANELS, WE'LL JUST ANIMATE THAT!" and that's what they went with.

This has no purpose for existing. None. It conveys zero information.

This shot too. Why does it exist in this montage? What does
it tell us? Not a damned thing.

Oh no, what do you know, suddenly they went to a draw because that's the way these shows always work.

And then, the pantsu counter goes wild because the show the cheerleaders jumping up and down. Repeatedly.

Hell, they even snuck in a few extra peeks, so I may not have accurately counted that, but they managed to get over 20 flashes in the course of five seconds. That's efficiency my friends.

But now is the season of flashbacks and unnecessary upskirts as we find the stakes for this contest have risen. If Venus loses, they have to join Maken-Ki. And if they win, then Maken-Ki has to not do anything for the rest of the semester.

... this. Is. INCREDIBLY. F***ING. STUPID.

I don't have words for how frustratingly idiotic this is. Who the f**k CARES about who is on whose team or whatever? THE POINT IS THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING FOR SOME KIND OF MYTHICAL MONSTER SUMMONING, NOT BITCHING ABOUT WHOSE TEAM IS THE BEST. WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K IS WRONG WITH ANYBODY IN THIS WHOLE F***ING SERIES.

I WOULD RATHER WATCH DOG DAYS.

YES. I HONESTLY RATHER WOULD WATCH THAT THAN KEEP GOING WITH THIS SHIT. BUT YOU KNOW, CONSIDERING MY OTHER OPTIONS OF THINGS TO WATCH RIGHT NOW I WILL STICK WITH THIS, BUT KNOW I DO THIS UNDER A GREAT DEAL OF DISGUST.

OH DON'T EVEN TRY WITH THAT BULLSHIT.

OH NOES. SCORES ARE TIED WHATEVER WILL HAPPEN.

Where the f**k did you come from?! ALSO STOP MAKING
YOUR NEW STUDENTS MOIST THAT IS WRONG.

You can tell they ran out of budget for this episode, because they give you a full-on photoshop-filtered montage of shit you saw AT THE START OF THE EPISODE. Which means I can't count that upskirt as pantsu. CLEARLY. THEY HAVE NO MONEY WITH WHICH TO MAKE THE REST OF THIS EPISODE. AND STILL HAVE FOUR MINUTES LEFT.

Anyways people are having fun because they never get to magic and then they start destroying the gym. And that counts as a point? NO. YOU HIT THE CEILING. THAT DOES NOT COUNT AS A F***ING POINT.

F**K THIS STUPID F***ING RIDICULOUS BULLSHIT SHOW I SWEAR TO F***ING GOD I WILL STRANGLE WHOEVER F***ING WROTE THIS ATROCITY. IN FACT. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SHIT? I'll tell you who. It's this mother f***er. Yosuke Kuroda. Who has an alarmingly solid array of screenplays under his name, some of which I count among my personal favorites. Like Demonbane. And Trigun.

I refuse to believe that this nonsensical bullshit is really his fault. So instead, I'm going to lay the blame for this squarely on the original manga artist, whose only credit is this series.

WELL TIME TO END THIS THING BY WINNING SO SORRY BUT TIME TO WIN. Syria serves the ball and it just bullshit magically drops but then saved and so they do more bullshit magic to cheat like crazy and wreck shop and destroy more of the gym.

But now it's less volleyball and more just a straight up fight but whatever. Then the teacher lady asks the pretty dude "the f**k did you bring them here for?" and he's all "pffft we don't have the budget to go into this today, so we'll save it for the episode after next probably just watch this shit instead" and so we return to watching this shit instead because that's clearly the more interesting thing going on.

Oh and the twins are recording shit because that's what they do.

And then teh entire school starts to rumble and the nearby stream f***ing explodes and shit and screw the gym who cares JUST DESTROY ALL THE THINGS.

Yeah f**k unnecessary property damage, her pride was wounded.

Oh no she's super skilled or whatever. But then it's like "hey let's have some cookies" and NOBODY CARED. But then i'ts time for more magical bullshit because yeah this show is supposed to be all about that. And so grape aid is like MAGIC ON and then the girls go all magic at one another and shred the f***ing gym floor without regards to personal safety and then dude jumps in the middle and the entire gymnasium explodes.

Only one count of pantsu. Part of me is disappointed.

Now everyone's clothes are shredded, and the pantsu counter goes mostly wild, and everyone's like "well way to f**k up the gym assholes, now nobody wins."

Also, way more pantsu and the idol girl goes wild.

Seriously this is some ridiculous shit.

THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE. YOU ARE HOT AND I WANT YOU INSIDE OF ME. Oh and those other girls apologize for being bitches kinda and thank him for saving that other girl who probably would've been fine anyways but whatever.

Sure. A 'little'.

The pantsu counter goes wild with every shot, and we can see now why they were so reserved. Also, who wins? It ended in a tie.

F**k you, I'm counting this as a double.

Seriously. He's like "I look faaaaabulous!"

There's no need to compete anymore though, and now they get to take the greatest picture of all time, and all they had to do was destroy a gym for it.

The rare and highly dangerous 11x combo.

I am amazed they somehow didn't manage a full 12x combo on that one. Like, holy f***ing shit. That's a LOT. IN A SINGLE IMAGE. A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT. Then dude in the background falls just before the shot and many laughs are had, the end.

Oh but not before that one jackass remembers who Syria is. ROLL TITLE SLIDE AND CREDITS.

So what's the final tally on today's episode? Let me just count up all the little marks here.

Today's pantsu counter rests and a comfortably alarming 66. SIXTY F***ING SIX. Sweet mother of Mexico that is a lot. And most of that came from the last five minutes or so of the show.

I'm at a loss once more. That such a thing can be allowed to exist. Flabbergasted, I am, and befuddled at how it was ever made popular enough to warrant not just an OVA, but a full TV series.

Japan is supposed to be a land of masterful storytellers. But when all you see is shit like this, well, it makes you question the validity of such a statement.