Shimoneta Episode 06 - Handmade Warmth!

Of all of the shows I have watched around these parts lately, I find that few fill me with quite the same sort of dread as Shimoneta does. We're talking KnJ levels of "oh god I really don't want to watch this".

And I think everyone can agree that when I compare your series to a show about little girls trying to get their teacher to get it on with them, THIS IS NOT A GREAT THING.

So with that in mind, let's get this over with, shall we? People keep egging me on to continue watching this, and by god I may as well commit.

Y'know, it's been months since I last watched this, and immediately they wind up showing me all of the reasons I hate this shit.

I'm going to be in need of a new wall before the halfway
mark, aren't I?

So we begin today's episode with some dudes finding out what it is to be, uh, you know. Horny?

*groan*

They of course turn to our mainbro who totally knows about this stuff being from the outside and he's like, "Uh, sorry guys, I don't know shit" before ollie-ing the f**k out and then that crazy bitch with the black hair (not the other legit crazy bitch, just the normal crazy bitch) is like "oh I see guess I have to 'educate' him too".

NO. NO YOU DO NOT. IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO PUSH YOUR GODDAMN SEXUAL AGENDA ON EVERYONE. I ADMIT THIS IS A PRETTY F***ED UP SITUATION AND ALL THAT, BUT IN OTHER COUNTRIES I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN THIS WOULD CONSTITUTE SEXUAL HARASSMENT. OH BUT IT'S FINE SINCE IT'S A GIRL DOING IT RIGHT?

F***ING SICK ASS F**KS. SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, IS CURRENTLY SCHLICKING IT TO THIS SHIT. AND THAT IS THE ONLY REASON WHY THIS SHOW CONTINUES TO EXIST.

SPEAKING OF EXISTING. WE ARE NOW AT THE COFFEE SHOP WHERE DUDE IS TOLD TO WEAR AN APRON TO... uh. Make... things? Wait what.

Kill me now.

Roll the intro while I find a pillow to weep into as I realize what a horrible mistake I have made in watching this show YET AGAIN.

Maybe I've been watching this show the wrong way. Maybe I should have been looking at it from the point of view of it being purely about sexual harassment.

Wait, no, nevermind, they just wanted to make a show all about sexual innuendos as is made evident by the episode overview during the intro. Which, I will admit is kind of a novel concept, but basically falls into the Sailor Moon trap of showing you everything you're going to see before actually showing you, and that's a sin.

Oh yeah, and we should expect a vibrating Daikon to show up at some point. So look forward to that.

Now that the intro is over, I really don't want to be watching this.

In fact, if I were being paid to watch this, I think I would be hesitant to continue watching this. But I'm not getting paid for it. It is at times like this that I begin to think, perhaps, I should be getting paid for this. Because no human should ever be forced to put themselves through this shit. Nobody.

We begin again... in a river in a forest somewhere. Just because.

Hangin' round downtown by myself
And I had so much time
To sit and think about myself
And then there she was

I hope nobody minds if I decide to begin referring to lapgirl as Disco Superfly.

She falls into the river and that's it for her I guess, because we decide to go look at some pokemon tadpole thing while the crazy chick in charge of all this mess is like "we're gonna make lube!"

Oh yay. I am so excited.

He's got a point. If people aren't boinking in the first place,
giving them lube isn't going to help that.

Her big problem is that, despite giving everyone those 'educational materials', they haven't managed to fix their actual problem.

I honestly can't tell you how stupid this is. I wish I could.
But even I am incapable of expressing stupiditude of this
magnificacity.

Anyways she's decided to teach them all about masturbating in today's episode, in case the title didn't somehow clue you off to that, or the cold intro. How does lube factor into this? F**k if I know, Japan is a weird f***ing place man.

And this is coming from a guy who regularly partakes in their media.

I wish that I were capable of addressing how stupid all of this
is. I really do. I find, however, that I'm just not capable of it.

Dude asks the right question though - what about female masturbation? You'd think this would be a far more important thing considering the male to female population in the world but she calls him a sicko for even thinking about it.

He's actually got a point there.

It is at this point of the show that I begin to consider going downstairs to find a hammer with which to beat myself over the head. Because she claims that illustrations will be enough, but those dirty magazines they recovered had diagrams for 'making sex toys' and that it has been, literally, a dream of hers to bring back ever since she was a child.

Just consider this for a moment folks. Then ask yourselves: Is my comparison to KnJ really that far off? The answer is NO. NO IT CLEARLY IS NOT.

This speaks for itself.

The 'squishing' sound effects to bleep out the words is really
beginning to grate on my nerves.

She also says she wanted to try making a vibrator but that it's 'not something that's easily home made'.

TO WHICH I SHALL CRY, BULLSHIT! PURE BULLSHIT. TRUST ME, PEOPLE GET PRETTY FREAKING INVENTIVE.

*insert dinosaur shriek of fury here*

*insert pterodactyls swooping in and eating people here*

*insert T-Rex escaping from captivity here*

I'm running out of angry dinosaur references. WHO THE F**K
WOULD EVEN. GOD DAMN IT JAPAN. JUST STOP!!

In case you forgot, this was the entire show.

It is at the point the artist tells everyone to shut the f**k up because she can't concentrate on drawing porn.

It is, quite literally, some of THE strangest porn I've ever
seen come out of Japan, and they invented tentacle rape!

So he gets asked to talk to Disco Lemonade about making vibrators for 'massage' purposes.

Yeah because for some reason I'm sure you can't just buy a back massager ANYWHERE anymore. Oh and if he doesn't do it he'll get locked in a room with Anna. You know, the legitimately crazy bitch?

Yeah, that one who started stalking him and tried to rape him? That one. Oh ha ha ha how totally funny and not completely deadly serious or morally bankrupt any of THIS is.

Anyways they're gonna make sex toys now and the tiny art girl is going to paint them.

I don't think... that isn't how... oh f**k it.

.....

No, clearly you're supposed to eat them.

The girls clearly can't try them because they aren't properly equipped. Once again, missing the true point of the sex toy, because most of them are not made for men.

*sobs uncontrollably*

Now they begin the process of creating lube. While actually telling you precisely how they are making it.

I'd think this might be breaking a law somewhere. But I guess not.

Also, what the hell is the point of this thing? It just hangs
around. Literally doing nothing but floating there.

Note: This is actually what she said. Not a translation.

Then the art girl eats the lube and is like "boy this is pretty good".

I have no words right now. Except these ones that I'm writing. Shut up, stop judging me, I AM ONLY WATCHING THIS BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME TO.

Then that weird gray block of clay gets thrown on a table and they throw some lube into it and then he starts fingering it.

I have literally watched hentai with less innuendo than this shit. THIS IS NOT OKAY FOR ANYONE. WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD WOULD ANYBODY WATCH THIS SHOW? SERIOUSLY.

Excuse me, I need to go vomit now.

For those of you who, like me, didn't know what that stuff was, it's called Konjac. Quite common in cooking, and can be used as gelatin. Which is looks like that's the form they were using. Needless to say, the implications of what she is suggesting are vomit-inducing.

This is the stuff of nightmares.

Then we cut to Double Cherry Pie making a vibe egg, and then back to the worm in a bowl because they blew most of their budget on stupid shit already.

Very stupid shit.

Then they talk about some 'phase 2' bullshit like this is some kind of goddamn Marvel production. Also the old guy keeps polishing dishes and shit because they need something to make this incredibly boring sequence slightly less pointless than it already is.

The show is so bored with itself, it doesn't even bother
showing the people talking anymore, instead splicing in
completely unrelated scenes.

Prepare your anuses folks. We're going in deep now.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

I am going to label this one NOPE.JPG

I think this entire next sequence can just be written up as "stick a sausage in random cup of stuff".

At least the art girl seems to get who this is really for.

Yeah because that's totally for guys.

After many hours of deliberation, they decided the only thing worth mass-producing were the general lube and konyaku because that won't kill anybody. Oh and we're not even halfway through this shitshow yet. SO I SURE HOPE SOMEONE HERE IS HAVING FUN.

It is now evening, and mainbro gets a message from... someone?

The f**k are you even talking about.

Turns out that Platform Double Suede (the hell does that even mean?!) finished that thing they asked her to make off-screen. So they head out to go check it out. Or rather he does? Turns out, they are exactly what they wanted. Which is to say, they were exactly the thing they were supposed to be. Almost like she knew exactly what she was making.

I don't want to know why lapgirl is only wearing a lab coat.

She did make other devices. They weren't what he asked for, however, despite still serving the same function, and so they were, you know. Just handed out.

I'm going to start banging my head against the wall again.

Of course it is.

After all of this, he finally realizes she's not wearing any clothes, and she explains that she fell in the river or whatever trying to watch some bugs get it on earlier. I guess it hasn't been all day for her clothes to dry off and just stood around in the buff working on things because ha ha isn't nudity hilarious.

Now he starts to feel sick, and she wants to know who this is going to be used for, and she doesn't quite buy it. But whatever, she wants something in return.

OF COURSE.

She's all "SHOW ME YO DICK" and he's like "NO" and then he says he doesn't want the thing anymore but then he winds up chasing her around and grabbing her coat and oh hey hi Anna when did you get there oh just right now oh ha ha no he totally wasn't chasing a naked girl around in an empty lab nope not at all I am sure this will NOT TURN OUT HORRIBLY IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER.

Not pictured: Anna's steel grip that is about to rip the door
right off of its hinges.

After breaking the door handle clean off, he offers to explain just what is going on. See, he totally came to her for some advice of an embarrassing nature. He uh, wanted to know what kind of gift to give Anna? So yeah he totally came on a weekend to ask her such a weird thing directly because he has no idea what kinds of things Anna would want.

Of course, he has to take it a step further, and tell her that, uh, he already got the gift and just wanted Disco Superfly's take on it.

Hilariously enough, the perfect gift for her.

He calls it a "power stone".

Again, this is neither a euphemism, nor a choice of translation. That is literally what he calls it.

She feels super happy that HE got HER a PRESENT! So no matter what he says she is going to take it and HA WHAT A GREAT GIFT. Oh, and I should remind you the wand for that can be used to control it ALL ACROSS THE CITY. Because, y'know, that's a thing that needed to be done.

Anna puts it in her pocket, says she's off to meet a teacher, and walks off. So long as he has the wand, it should be fine, right?

Riiiiiight?

Okay seriously you could not telegraph this punchline
ANY HARDER IF YOU KICKED ME IN THE NUTS WITH IT.

What a brilliant idea! She will turn it into a pendant so she can always have her power stone that was given to her by that boy she wants to rape. WHAT LUCK.

*cue more head banging here*

It's now the next day and they're still at school for some reason even though it's sunday and blah blah boring exposition about how the other vibe got broke oh no whatever will they do.

Cut to that thing a few hours ago.

I did tell you this would end in vibrating Daikons.

With every passing second, another part of me I didn't even
know existed continues to die.

Eventually the daikon explodes, and then the vibe itself breaks. Oh no. Now it is now again, and they go meet with Anna who asked them to show up for some reason. That other dude will be late but then her power stone goes off. Oh and now the wand is broken on maximum vibration.

Thanks for clarifying this. Not that you have any reason
to know what you're even talking about!

All of the blame immediately goes onto him because she totally thinks he did this on purpose, and once again he's a pervert.

The jokes in this show are so groan-inducing, I can't imagine anyone ever laughing at any of this shit. Who the f**k finds this funny?

Oh, and now it's just him and Anna hanging around in a room alone.

It's the Power Stone of Love?

He runs off screaming about needing to go to the bathroom, and immediately goes to find lapgirl. He does, and asks her to fix the thing immediately. But she says without the Power Stone, she can't fix it. For... reasons?

One would think you'd just take the batteries out of the wand and that would fix it. BUT NOPE.

Then Anna is at the door, and now chasing him across the school. Oh look, here's artgirl to give him more shit.

Probably because you're genre savvy.

He asks for help, but instead it looks as though he'll be the one helping her as she tells the entire school where he is.

Because rape is always hilarious!

Off he runs some more, and winds up coming across the big dude who wasn't around earlier, and is like "yo we gotta do the meeting let's go" and drags him off to the meeting to go see Anna. Did he seriously not notice anything weird going on with her today?

Because a vibrating chest is never something to worry about.

THIS IS WHY I HATE THIS ENTIRE SHOW.

Cut to vibrating boobies.

I was not joking about that.

She then asks him to go find some other person, and slams the door shut so she can have her way with a dude.

At least somebody gets it.

So she winds up grabbing his 'thing', which is really just the wand, and she's all excited by it and stuff. Do I really have to spell out what's going on here? No, I don't. So we'll just leave it at that.

Uh-huh. Sure it is.

Then the vibrator starts vibrating so hard her shirts starts undoing itself. Not even a joke, shit is all button-popping and undoing ties and EVERYTHING. But he eventually sees the power stone and is like "oh cool I mean I know a pair of tits is vibrating on my crotch but THIS IS MY CHANCE FOR SOMETHING".

But then the bra breaks because SO MUCH VIBRATION. Oh look, euphemisms for penises about to explode. Screaming and then the thing breaks down finally, and dude is like "BLUE BALLS FROM HELL".

Now she's all sad because his present broke, and he's all 'don't worry about it and please don't try to rape me again seriously'.

YES BECAUSE THIS IS THE IMPORTANT THING HERE,
AND NOT THE WHOLE NOT GETTING RAPED THING.

Then several days later she totally wants another power stone.

Uh huh.

Oh and the other girl is not having any of his excuses despite the fact that THIS IS TOTALLY WHAT SHE WANTED THE ENTIRE TIME. This is the goal to which she was supposed to have been working towards, the whole sexual awakening of people, and now she's all pissy about it for some reason.

But seriously, he wants to know what they're supposed to do because lapgirl isn't going to be doing any more favors because she didn't get the 'payment' she wanted, and he's not too keen on whipping out his schlong for her.

Don't worry, I'm sure Anna won't hear you from two feet away.

MY TITS ARE DOWN HERE.

Then artgirl shows up, says they oughta just f**k and get it over with, and hilarity ensues as Anna literally tries to choke the life out of him because ASSAULT IS ALSO COMPLETELY HILARIOUS.

You and me both.

CUE THE ENDING SEQUENCE. THANK. F***ING. GOD.

OH SHIT I FORGOT THERE'S STUFF AFTER THEIR ENDINGS. GODDAMNIT.

Oh but during the ED sequence this time, they decide to walk you through that cold sausage thing. With photos. And a lovely little message at the end.

I hate this show so much.

Anyways, after that shit more shit happens.

SUDDENLY THIS.

Bunch of dudes sitting around. Talking about how that shit that happened on private property totally doesn't matter to them because, y'know. Not in their jurisdiction. And totally not because they secretly condone all this behavior.

We find out that this is the Decency squad and some girl is like "man I'm f***ing bored with this shit", and hops online to hear about reports of DIRTY TERRORISMS.

Oh hell this is that other girl from the OP isn't it.

NEXT EPISODE, THINGS GET ONLY WEIRDER. THE END.

This show belongs at the top of the list of things that should never have existed in this world.

It's right below Kodomo no Jikan, and several places above Strike Witches.

F**K YOU ALL, I AM DONE WITH THIS SHOW FOR A WEEK.