Shimoneta Episode 07 - What SOX Created

During the time I was taking a break from watching horrific excuses of animation from Japan, I kept an eye on the stats, to gauge how traffic is in these parts.

It's mostly a curiosity thing. But every now and then, it provides some rather illumination information. Like the fact that Shimoneta has basically be the most popular series here since Idol Wrassling.

And it continues to dominate the weekly picks.

So basically what I'm saying is, you guys really love making me watch this.

I'm going to go cry in a corner now. I'll meet you after the cut when I've collected the broken remains of my soul and buried them in a pine box.

Right. So, this show has that annoying tendency to be structured like a modern piece of entertainment. Which means they've done a cold opening where someone is running through the streets. An officer of the law, desperately running through the streets to find the most horrific sight imaginable:

A pile of dirty laundry.

Then he gets knocked out and some guy that looks like our mainbro grins, puts some panties on the officer's head, and dumps him on the pile.

W-wh-what.

What the.

Wait what.

No, seriously. Just.

What?

Clearly I'm making this up. Someone tell me I'm making
this shit up. Please.

Oh my god I couldn't make this up if I tried.

They left a note saying "we support SOX".

I don't.

I can't even.

HRRRRRNNNNGH. WE ARE NOT EVEN THIRTY SECONDS INTO THIS AND ALREADY. MY BRAIN.

What.

So. That girl. Whoever she is. She decides now is the time to run around being a nuisance. Because terrorism is awesome! So she runs out and throws some cream-filled water balloons at some upstanding officers of the law, and asks if they liked their facials.

Given the context that is THE ENTIRE REST OF THIS SHOW,
I am fairly certain this is 100% accurate.

She is quickly joined by some allies.

I. I don't. Why. Just.

I don't. I can't. We aren't. Not even a minute. Why. Just. Just why.

What. The. F**k. Am I. Watching.

Then some dude wearing a jacket that says LONELY picks her up on a scooter.

I only wish I were joking.

Then she rides off all like "WAIT FOR ME SOX-SAN" while those other dudes make public nuisances out of themselves.

Did she just start a riot? Because it seems like she just started a riot.

Oh and we learn her name is Kosuri and is probably now a main character. ROLL THE INTRO. THAT YOU WILL PAY ATTENTION TO BECAUSE THEY SHOW YOU THE SHIT THEY WILL BE GETTING UP TO.

Why does this show continue to exist? Just, why? It's to torture me, isn't it? They amde this specifically to torture ME. I am now convinced this is the truth. Because it's the only thing that makes sense any more. Because I don't want to believe I live in a world where a group of people think this makes for great television. Because it doesn't! It's just a bunch of immature jokes strung together! It's an excuse to just run around screaming boobies like an idiot, and then expecting everyone to laugh because HA HA YOU SAID BOOBIES.

Anyways today's episode has panty riots and gay porn and shit. Also, porn isn't bad, and doesn't make perverts, people are perverted anyway yadda yadda.

And of course we begin with some real insights.

What the f**k is wrong with you people?!

They also take the time to tell us that it's been a month since that big thing happened. At least they're telling us time is passing, otherwise we'd have never known.

Also something about her reading a lot of porn and then we get a flashback where she's been getting together with other terrorist groups. And joining them. Because terrorism.

What.

So, she gave them a bunch of porn, and they gave her some porn too? They... traded porn.

Oh for the love of.

You say these words, but I don't think you actually understand
what it is you are saying.

I have to wonder if the translators are having as difficult a time as I am getting through this show.

Given lines like this though, I can only imagine they must.

Then the art girl draws some 70% anthro naked cat girls, and now it is lunch and the big ape wants to have lunch with Okuma.

I'm scared. He looks way too happy.

Way too happy.

Okay fat bison dude. It's totally not weird that not only are you very happy to see our bro, but that you made him lunch. And are announcing it to the class. This is not weird in the slightest.

Someone better start clenching their anus.

We find that the big guy also has a little sister, whose lunch he also made, and that he is, in fact, not a bad cook. Kind of a weird thing to establ-

N O P E

Then the leader of the dirty terrorists shows up and is like "holy shit you guys gay".

It's all in the subtext.

The sub-text.

YES. THEY ARE NOW. THE BEST. OF FRIENDS. AREN'T WE OKUMA. YES WE ARE. BECAUSE I SAY WE ARE. I MAKE HIM LUNCH. I WILL DO THIS EVERY DAY. BECAUSE. WE ARE THE BEST. OF. FRIENDS.

What the f-

I am sorry, Internet. Truly, I am.

But we are barely five minutes in, and already, I am uncertain of just how much more of this shit I can take.

I know. I'm already halfway through the show. And I did promise that I would manage to make my way through this entire horrible shitfest.

But I wanted you to know, right now, this is a very difficult thing for me to watch. Because it's just so goddamn painfully written. I'm starting to get the impression that every episode is just another kink to be explored by the show. Which only makes me even angrier, because the whole premise of the show is just thrown out the window because it only serves as backdrop for "ha ha penis jokes ha ha sexual innuendo".

As an aside, since I am giving myself some much-needed therapy from the show, I talked to a pal of mine on the Internets about the show. And he was like, 'aww, but I liked that show, it was funny!' I resisted the urge to bludgeon him to death with his own laptop via TCP/IP because one that would be rude and two I haven't yet mastered the art of murder via WAN.

The whole point of this was to establish that I f***ing hate this show, and that it is a travesty that nobody should ever watch, much less enjoy. Yet there are people out there that do.

I'm gonna need some serious restoration of faith in humanity after this is over.

ANYWAY. Lol bananadongs ha ha isn't that just funny oh look at how angrily he denies this thing but the big dude is just silent.

Yeah, you know, THAT OTHER CRAZY BITCH.

But then girls scream from downstairs. Oh no, someone stole a bunch of underwear! Cut to Anna telling us that panty thefts all across the city are a thing that is happening. Time for a boring meeting with all the people talking about underwear being stolen. Young, old, man, girl, worn, not worn... doesn't matter, people just snatch shit randomly.

... let me reiterate. People are mugging people for their underwear.

Never mind that people are being viciously assaulted. Let's
instead focus on their underwear being stolen!

I'm not even going to ask how underwear gets stolen while someone is wearing them without forcing people to strip down naked.

Oh yeah and there's notes about the thieves supporting SOX. Who cares. Not me! But you're gonna keep talking anyways. Anna can't let this thing with SOX or the underwear thieves continue and distribution of naughty mags continues to rise (hurr hurr) so it's time to do something about it all. Thus she resolves to... increase patrols around the campus.

Yeah because that's actually going to solve anything.

And that was how the main characters wound up watching the girls dressing room and making stupid jokes.

This isn't even clever that is literally just how your f***ing
language works!

The 'jokes' just continue.

Seriously, this just isn't even remotely funny anymore.

Anyways after doing the pelvic thrust in his face they dive to the ground because things are happening. Someone is going in! So he'll just stay put while she investigates because why did she even bother bringing him in the first place exactly?

And then Anna magically appears right under his penis and the chase scene ensues.

Did I say chase scene? I lied.

She's already gotten rid of that other guy so now it's just the two of them so clearly boy should give it all up for her because she's rich and makes all the rules or whatever. Also, ear licking occurs for some reason. I guess that isn't outlawed?

Just a reminder that THIS was a thing that happened.

N O P E.

She then proceeds to try to rape him while he screams for her to stop. But don't worry! This is hilarious! Because a girl wants a guy, so that's totally okay!

But then that dude shows up and I guess she jizzed on dude's face or something and then pretended like nothing happened. Oh ha ha isn't this show just so f***ing hilarious!

NO. NO IT IS NOT. THIS SHOW IS NOT FUNNY. IT IS NOT CLEVER, NOR EVEN AMUSING.

THEY WANT YOU TO LAUGH AT SOME OF THE MOST HORRIFIC THINGS IMAGINABLE.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY. NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST.

By the way dude, what about those books she asked you to find that she already admitted didn't exist? Oh you couldn't find them? Well then. GUESS YOU BETTER LEAVE US ALONE SOME MORE. Oh nevermind, she walks away with the big guy and spits out a zipper and bro is like "holy shit I don't want to be raped".

Oh and artgirl was sitting around watching the whole thing and totally not trying to masturbate the entire time. Because that's her entire character now.

At least ONE person seems to recognize this. Namely him.

Also whatever happened to the other girl? He rushes in, and finds lapgirl sitting on the floor probably crying over her underwear coming up missing. Oh wait, nevermind, she's stuffed something in her shirt and won't show what it is and is now under suspicion of stealing underwear.

But lapgirl things bro will understand and shows him what she's hiding.

Despite being completely safe for work, I feel uncomfortable.

It's to light his head on fire, you know. That's the only rational
response to seeing this shit.

He 'confiscates' the material and tells his partner that they need to burn it because THAT IS THEIR JOB.

For once, I can see him kind of enjoying his position. But then they get outside and he's like "YOU WROTE THIS SHIT DIDN'T YOU".

The answer is, of course she did.

You are not Monty Python.

So why the hell did they make this stuff? Well...

Okay, again, seriously, WHAT THE F*** IS WITH THAT
NAME.

Also she overheard some chick who was all like "man I like when I see those two bros together" and she was like "WELP GOTTA MAKE SOME GAY PRONS BASED ON TWO PEOPLE I KNOW."

Fairly sure that's a crime. And if it isn't, IT SHOULD BE.

Anyways now they've made their gay slashfics stupid popular at the school and everyone is expecting them to go bone zone all the way to chocolate junction on a bicycle made for two.

I rest my case.

Suddenly, underwear thieves! Better go grab them and stuff. Which they do. And everyone gets tied up! And they start chanting that... they're... going to lick their underwear?

NO SHIT IT ISN'T!

Oh but then some asshole takes over their LCD windows and appears in the sky.

Wait, the f**k? THEY HAVE LCDs IN THEIR WINDOWS?!

I have many questions about this show.

The more I look at this, the more I realize there is some seriously f***ed up stuff going on in the background here. Like. Holy shit. Dude just sewed a hundred panties together, and is wearing them as a fashion statement.

What in the actual f**k.

Also, he... drinks pantsu?

I. HAVE. MANY. QUESTIONS.

WHO THE HELL THOUGHT ANY OF THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA AGAIN?

NO. SERIOUSLY. JUST. BACK THE F**K UP RIGHT THE F**K NOW PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF MAKING THIS SHOW.

I HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT COME OUT OF YOUR COUNTRY. BUT I THINK PERHAPS YOU MAY HAVE GONE SIX STEPS TOO FAR. THE SHIT YOU HAVE BEEN SMOKING, IT HAS RENDERED YOU UNTO A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE DRINK CLOTHES. I THINK PERHAPS. MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO PUT DOWN THE BLEACH YOU ARE DRINKING. IT IS AFFECTING YOUR JUDGMENT. ALSO, IF I MAY HAVE A WORD WITH YOUR EMPLOYERS: YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER PAYING YOUR ARTISTS A LITTLE BIT MORE SO THEY AREN'T DRINKING BLEACH THINKING IT IS FOOD AND THEN MAKING SHIT LIKE THIS. BECAUSE UH. THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANYBODY LOOK GOOD.

ANYWAYS. BACK TO WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS I AM WATCHING.

NOPE OKAY WE'RE BACK TO THE DRINK THING. BECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY WHITE WINE WITH PANTIES IN THEM.

Okay. I think. Perhaps. That is maybe enough. Let's. Let's just. I can do this. It may only cost me my dignity, a pair of pliers, and a cup of tears, but I think I can manage to survive a little longer.

Blah blah oh no boring stuff about hijacked whatsis and whoevers.

I guess someone has a phone or whatever that is causing this thing to occur. Oh but then he's all like "HEY ME AND SOX YEAH WE'RE A THING HA HA HA HA".

We are going to stick it to the man by doing a bunch of illegal,
highly immoral things because we are sexually repressed!
That'll teach 'em!

I don't have the time, the energy, nor the inclination to just really go into detail about how f***ing stupid all of this is. It doesn't make any logical sense. This simply boils down to someone wanting to cause trouble because they just want to watch the world burn. That's it.

But don't worry. The pictures explode into panties.

... yes. You read that right.

The videos explode into panties which rain down on the crowd.

I don't. I can't. This is.

People are mad and whatever but I just. I don't f***ing care anymore. I honestly can't tell you how much more of this I can take. I don't know if I can survive the next... ten minutes of this nonsense. It's already taken me this long to get this far into it.

Just wake me when this is all over...

I think I've met my match.

To the show's credit. The lady in charge finally acknowledges how insane this entire thing is. The point of all their goals was to be able to read porn and say 'pussy pussy dick pussy' all day long. Which, as I've pointed out, is an understandable enough goal. The issues I've taken, however, were the fact that ALONG THE WAY THEY HAVE CONDONED A VERY LARGE NUMBER OF QUESTIONABLE THINGS INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO SEXUAL ASSAULT AND HARASSMENT. But those are minor quibbles at this point.

Mainbro is like "maybe we should leave the dude alone" but the boss lady is like "NOPE GOTTA FIGHT" and then there's some unnecessary censorship of a banana and her fingers. I guess it's because there's condoms on them? I don't know. I'm so confused, and I don't want to care about this anymore.

I've reached that stage during a rape where I just want this to be over as quickly as possible. So that I can go along with the rest of my life, crying myself to sleep at night because I've been violated against my will. Oh, sure, you can say "but you asked for this!", but to you I say you can go f**k yourself. Just because I asked to watch some bad anime does not excuse something of this caliber existing, and forcing itself upon me.

YES. I JUST EQUATED SHIMONETA TO RAPE. F***ING DEAL WITH IT. BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH INCREDIBLY MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE THINGS, AND THIS SHOW SURELY DOESN'T APPEAR TO HAVE ANY PROBLEMS THINKING RAPE IS HILARIOUS, JUST BECAUSE THE GENDER ROLES ARE REVERSED.

HAVE I LOST MY MIND? PROBABLY. BUT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I AM FORCED TO WATCH THIS KIND OF SHIT. I SNAP. I LOSE MY DAMN MIND. BECAUSE THERE IS NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER FOR THIS KIND OF GARBAGE TO EXIST. IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY. AND YET FOR SOME REASON, IT IS ONE OF THE MORE POPULAR SHOWS OF ITS SEASON. AND I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME IMAGINE WHY.

OH WOW. AN ACTUAL, LEGITIMATE PROBLEM!

CONGRATUF***INGLATIONS SHIMONETA. YOU HAVE FINALLY MADE A VALID F***ING POINT FOR ONCE IN YOUR USELESS GODDAMNED LIFE.

YOU ARE JUST NOW REALIZING THIS?!?!

So basically, in order to be able to safely educate people ON THEIR OWN F***ING BODIES, it is in their best interest to get rid of this dude. Because he poses a huge risk to LITERALLY THE ENTIRE POPULATION WHO SEEM TO NOT UNDERSTAND THEIR OWN BASIC INSTINCTS SOMEHOW.

Now dude walks home by himself and runs into that other terrorist girl from earlier who immediately attempts to straddle him because he's the main character and every male lead in an anime has to have everyone after his balls BECAUSE THAT IS HOW ANIME WORKS DON'T YOU KNOW.

Seriously, they just met.

She asks for his help because the decency squad is after her and so she tries to do the cutesy bullshit, and so he hides her away. Then she thanks him for his help, and he's like "hang on a second".

Oh and then uh, y'know. Lapgirl shows up. For some reason.

I'm going out on a limb to suggest the reason is SCIENCE!

Considering how the entire rest of this show has gone, I'm
not even going to be mad at this 'misunderstanding'.

He asks what the hell she's doing here, and she's like "LOOKING FOR YOUR GAY PRONS LOL". But then the squad shows up and he's like "please halp" and so she does. But only after he promises to get the council to 'turn a blind eye' to those 'comics'.

Starting to think they're just bleeping random words again.

She gives them a story about being molested, and they promptly... leave her immediately.

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG HERE WE ARE MOVING ALONG.

So now dudebro and girltrouble sit on a bench and she gets all cuddly and shit and he's like "OKAY WHOA NO BACK THE F**K OFF CHICK" and she's like "SORRY I WANTED YOUR BALLS SO BAD AFTER ALMOST GETTING CAUGHT DOING SHIT THAT IS VERY AGAINST THE LAW."

She continues giving him the bullshit moe act and is now attempting to weasel her way onto the school council because SHE HAS A MISSION OR WHATEVER. She clearly wants to uh, you know. Be all chaste and shit.

This will only end poorly.

He wants to know her name and where she comes from but then SUDDENLY SCOOTER DUDE SHOWS UP AND IS LIKE "what the hell kid?" Then she tazes him, and he's like "oh shit you're some important chick" and she's like "YEP I'M HERE TO JOIN SOX LOLOLOL".

To avoid being tazed, however, he tries to tell her that he's actually one of the ring leaders. Because he has clearly suffered enough on this day. Not that she believes him, but he shows her the lewd stuff he's got. Including the naked 70% cat girl.

So now she believes him and tackles him and basically begins to f***ing dry hump him right away on the spot because CLEARLY SHE FINDS ALL OF THIS ATTRACTIVE.

Anyways they go back to his place, Kosuri meets up with the 'leader', and she has, uh, a rather stern message.

Endorsing incest AND pedophilia. Yep.

Blah blah nope hate the old guy even though he was helping you guys because he made nice with the Decency Squad after his shit got raided and therefore I hate him so I ran away to join some terrorist organization. And that's her final decision.

Please tell me this ends soon.

But the person in charge doesn't like this. There's just something off about it all.

My mind is literally incapable of unpacking what the f**k you
just tried to say.

Little girl then tries to prove her worth by saying she can provide them with funding and weapons.

She was carrying a gun. A GUN.

A polite way of saying "Bitch you cray-cray".

Turns out that's an airsoft gun I guess, BUT EVEN SO.

She says they don't need any of that shit. You just need an upper mouth and... and... a lower...?

NO. NO NO. JUST. JUST NOPE. WE ARE LEAVING THAT RIGHT THERE. WE ARE MOVING. RIGHT. THE F**K. ALONG.

I say you taze her and leave her in the street.

Oh look even more sex jokes.

Is this a sick burn? I don't even know anymore.
I am dead inside.

Then she gets asked why she even has all this shit, and she's like "well people think I'm always useless and shit". OH NO. NOT ANOTHER SOB STORY. BOO F***ING HOO TELL ME ABOUT HOW HARD YOUR INCREDIBLY PRIVILEGED LIFE HAS BEEN.

Her excuse is that she was always bullied so her dad gave her lots of weapons with which to defend herself. Because in a society like the one that they live in now, THIS TOTALLY MAKES ALL OF THE SENSE. (Protip: It actually doesn't make any f***ing sense at all.)

So she just wanted a place to belong and that's why she put all of her hopes and dreams into joining a terrorist organization. Okuma is like "eh maybe we should let her join" and they ask what she did to get the Decency Squad after them.

Because assault is hilarious!

I'm sorry I'm not sure I fol-

.........

I am not sure how any of those things make any sort of sense
or are related in any way.

Then a decision is made. If this girl gets arrested, it's going to cause a lot of problems so maybe they should just let her join if only to keep her out of trouble, the end.

Note they're not even bothering to have her use the phone
anymore. It's like everybody stopped caring all at once.

............

Please. Please tell me this is it. Please. I'm begging you.
Let this be the end of this.

But before we end this episode, someone has to comment on hair styles, of course.

*groan*

Cue the ending.

Something broke in me tonight. I'm not sure what it is, or what it did. But it was probably important.

This feeling. I haven't felt it in quite some time.

It is not a good feeling. It is the kind of place one goes when they've realized things have gone entirely too far. This show has gone entirely too far.

Oh, and I forgot. This show has post-credits bullshit. Which in this case is Anna leaving a voicemail to her dad about how she's trying so hard. But she still needs power or something? Eh whatever. Turns out he was actually on the other line and he's like "okay cool I got you fab".

Then the camera lingers on this bitch for like ten seconds telling
you SHE IS TOTALLY SHOWING UP NEXT EPISODE OH NO.

And they leave us with a horrible preview of next episode.

N O P E

Of all the things I want right now, I think the thing I want most is to never watch this show ever again. EVER.

I honestly have no clue if I have the mental fortitude that is required to slog through yet another episode of this monstrosity. But chances are, I'll probably try.

I did not give up. I weathered through the entire thing. One would normally consider such a thing a 'win'. But in my book, I'm not sure that I can agree. This is, at best, a Pyrrhic victory. I didn't lose. But I'm not really sure that I actually won either.