Master of Martial Hearts Episode 03 - Three Sisters, Sworn Enemies

Have I mentioned yet just how many awesome shows are coming up this summer? I don't think I have. Besides the Sailor Moon reboot (which looks pretty awesome), we've got a new Persona 4 series based on the Golden release, a second part to Space Dandy, more Sword Art Online (which is fun enough), and the third part of Ghost in the Shell: Arise.

Honestly, I'm fairly excited for the series coming out, because there's a lot of really good shows this season. Even glancing over the full list, there's really only one or two stinkers at best, and no matter how much I try to rail against Free!, let's just be honest with ourselves: It's still going to do really well.

So what am I going to be covering once this show is over? Well, I've certainly got no shortage of options, that's for sure. I have a list of craptacular anime half a mile long at this point. To that end, I've added a new poll asking for some suggestions. Take a click, tell me what you'd like.

That having been said, Master of Martial Hearts! Will this show get better? I seriously doubt it.

So like last time, they begin with the intro because they don't want us falling asleep. As such, they give us the option to just skip the first minute or two, so that if we come in late we will be forced to watch the entire thing. It's a clever ploy, but one that actually works.

God I hate this song. At least it's over. How do they begin the show? With a recap about all the crap you've seen. Blah blah she got beat up by her teacher, then beat up her teacher, and sent her to a hospital naked and stuff, the end. Have a title slide!

We are immediately treated to the thing the fans really want to see: Clothes being shredded with a wrench. Not joking, someone is throwing a wrench on a string, and shredding our hero's clothes with it. Literally within seconds of the show opening.

I'm torn between trying to figure out if this is an idiotic or ingenious way to start the show. I mean, on the one hand, it's horribly confusing because there wasn't a fight going on when the last episode ended, so just immediately jumping in to show us her getting attacked from close up is pretty much not doing us any favors. But on the other hand, it skips all that pesky setting up shit, and we can just find out who is attacking her later, or why, or when, or what circumstances led them to this situation in the first place.

Actually I think I just decided THIS IS STUPID.

So today's opponent is short-haired Nanoha.

The resemblance is pretty uncanny, really.

I guess this is mechanic girl, whose schtick is throwing wrenches on strings for some reason. And yelling "does it hurt?!" when she hits her opponent. Well I don't f***ing know you're only hitting them with like five pounds of pure steel moving at high speed I'm pretty sure it DOES hurt.

Seems this nameless assailant has some kind of beef with the girls because they are students. At least that's what I'm getting from it because she's asking if they've ever helped anyone else, or contributed to society. Isn't kind of asking a lot out of someone that young what they've done with their lives when you should consider that their lives have kinda just freaking begun? But hey, whatever. Go ahead and keep the hate train going. Get mad at them for walking around town talking the boys and having fun, even though that's clearly not a thing they've done. Or being pissy because they wear short skirts because, I dunno, that's kinda their school uniform?

... am I seriously sitting here pointing out every little inconsistency with this crazy lady? Of course I am. I'm crazy. She's crazy. You're crazy. We're all crazy around here.

Eventually she's all like "you brats would just use the wish on something dumb" and then Aya finally up and grabs the damn wrenches instead of being beat up all the time because now she has to go all hero mode. Meh.

I guess you might say she's preparing to throw a wrench in-
oh screw it, this show isn't worth that caliber of joke.

To the show's credit, at least Aya takes the time to pretty much lay down the verbal smackage in a sensible fashion.

Using reason to form logical arguments? What manner of
sorcery is this?!

At this point, Aya runs forward and kicks her opponent in the pelvis so hard the ass of her outfit explodes from the force. Yeah, you read that right. She kicks her so hard that the ass of her uniform blows out.

Because f**k the physical laws, that's why.

And if you look close that's not even a kick. That's just a damn knee to the stomach. In fact the longer I look at this the less sense that it makes. The force would be going through her stomach where she was hit, so the shockwave doesn't even... okay, y'know what? Screw it. We're moving along.

... two seconds later she punches her so hard in the jaw that her top explodes and her bra evacuates her body.

Let me repeat that.

She punches her in the jaw so hard that her top explodes and her bra flies off. I can only surmise the bra was thinking "naw f**k this dawg I'm out", unstrapped itself and let the straps themselves explode as it just up and flies away at the first available moment.

WE'RE NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES INTO THIS JESUS PEOPLE.

Then there's some fast-paced chain combos, and the girl falls to the ground and throws up enough blood to fill a bucket. Cue angry hero face and an evil grin. FADE TO BLACK. ENTER SCENE: HOSPITAL.

Fight? Bothered? No, never. I mean she has new clothes and
everything already. She's clearly okay with things.

I mean they didn't even get the girl's name before the packed her off and her friend is all "blah blah it's okay she knew what was gonna happen" and Aya is all "nah man, I'm all scared of myself and shit" because she doesn't really know what's going on when she fights. Almost like she just lets instinct take over oh wait that's what usually happens when you fight. You get pissed off and want to f**k someone up. And now she's all worried that she just destroyed someone else's dreams I guess.

No idea how much time has passed between the fight with the teacher and now though, but long enough for them to have visited the hospital at least once since, given they talk about the last time they saw her. Go ahead and make your wish come true blah blah oh look her mom runs out of the hospital to reveal that the teacher is suddenly gone and nobody knows what's up.

PLOT TWIIIIIIIST.

There's only one possible explanation: NINJA GHOST ALIENS.
Because seriously... have you ever considered aliens?

So her mom is all "you look around I'll check inside again" and Aya is all "oh no people involved with the Platonic Heart vanish" and then the EvilNurse smirks and now the girls are getting burgers again. Aya doesn't seem interested in hers though, and they talk about what they should do to have some fun. But Aya is too busy being a Debbie Downer! Oh look, we're getting the angry/depressed/confused "everyone is vanishing and it's my fault and you don't care because you're not involved!" speech. Wonderful. All about the Guilt Train, choo choo!

Aya leaves Moe Burger by herself and walks around wondering what she should do, until she eventually winds up sitting on her bed staring at her phone in her panties because that's what middle aged schoolgirls do. She considers the philosophical quandary of every fight containing someone's wish that is crushed by her selfish desire to win to find her friend, and how by pursuing her 'dream' she is making life harder for someone else.

Truly we are setting off in some uncharted waters that have totally been explored thoroughly by far better shows. Also, I'm not sure two episodes are enough to make me actually give a f**k about people they show in the intro but don't even give names for. Or give more than two minutes of screentime. I mean seriously, I'm supposed to give a shit? Please.

Natsume calls, but Aya is uninterested in talking, even though her friend keeps calling. I think they just wanted any excuse to have a shot linger on her panties because that's pretty much the caliber of this show. It's about tits and ass, and girls beating the shit out of each other. That's really it.

Eventually she gets fed up and answers the phone to tell her friend to leave her alone, but turns out it's Haruki. You know, that guy who lives with her? He's all "she wanted me to ask you to come by the pool for shenanigans tomorrow" and she's all "OH HELL YA" because she totally wants to dooooo him. Also something about Natsume making boxed lunches so she's totally gonna be there. For the food, clearly.

Now she's meeting Natsume... uh, somewhere. Where the hell are they, exactly? Some kind of weird apartment building with a giant clock outside? It doesn't look like a bus terminal that's for sure.

Seriously where are you meeting your friend at.

So yeah, I have no freaking clue what's going on. She seems to be meeting her friend here as though she were waiting here the entire time, but it looks as though they must have arrived together. Also this doesn't seem like a very public place what with the lack of anybody else being present, so... again, where the hell are they?

So they both say that they're sorry and agree to be more positive about all this shit and share a nice friendly hug.

Not to nitpick but you're the one with your hands on
her hips, not the other way around.

Cue the zoom out where the brother is standing there thinking to himself "hoooot".

So hurry up and get into the pool, and let's have fun. Why yes, fun is what she wants. But Team Rocket is waiting outside! Wait that's not right. Or is it?

Well we've got Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy so... close enough?
And that one in the middle totally looks like crossdressing James.

Turns out they are in fact at the pool, but where that bro was standing the entire time is a complete mystery to me. Let's just ignore that whole thing about none of that scene making logical sense from any standpoint and focus on the fact that they are at the pool! Why, boys would be drooling now if it weren't for the fact that we've already seen the main character naked. Hm. I guess that kind of diminishes the impact this show will have then. Oh well.

Boobs! Hips! Full body shot with a smile! More boobs! More hips! Other bodyshot from the back! Girls sliding down water! Gee don't you just want to see them naked as they splash water on one another and let their boobs jiggle?

This is guy code for "I have a massive boner right now".

But Aya is all "I'm kinda tired" while we linger on her ass, and she's all "let's take a break!" while she sits awkwardly beside the dude she totally wants to play rodeo with. Also let's look more at those boobs and hips because... reasons! Also Natsume is taking forever to get the drinks she said she'd grab, and now Aya is taking the time to squeeze her boobs together and be all "man if I'm together with him alone any longer I'm gonna pop" and of course they linger on the chest, but dude thinks she's cold and covers her with a towel so she doesn't catch a cold.

Isn't that the thing you wanted? I'm confused.

Her brain starts to melt down just as someone begins to heckle them about looking like a couple.

Poolside Officer Jenny blows my freaking mind.

Okay, I'm just going to say this now: WHAT THE F**K.

This isn't even a subtle disguise. She's still wearing her officer cap! Clearly you aren't a lifeguard, why are you up there! Who makes a swimsuit like that? NOBODY! This isn't a swimsuit, this is a skanky officer uniform! Why does she have a tie?!

Not in that outfit you're not.

She wants to "arrest" her for "illicit sexual conduct" because she was sitting beside a man. How insane is this show? Like, how f***ing delusional do you have to be to pull some shit like this? It's like they're not even living in a sane universe anymore.

I must question the authority of the state that clearly
employs hookers to dispense their justice.

Officer Jenny seems to know everything about her though, which puts her on guard immediately. What's going on here, she wonders? Well, the officer seems ready to enforce the law by punching off the girl's top. Because that makes sense. It doesn't take her long to put together that she has something to do with Platonic Heart, which she replies "Yeah I am but no I'm not who cares."

Congrats on summarizing the show in six words.

But no, this show continues to confound me because now other people are all "what's this a fight?" and "you fighting over a guy?" like it's some kind of bad thing, when it's pretty clear who the aggressor here is. And of course she doesn't want to fight here because it might get folks involved, and also she doesn't have a top right now, oh and that guy she likes might think she's violent.

Even though, y'know, she's kind of already been attacked so clearly it would be justifiable self defense?

Commercial break!

I'm not sure how to feel about this one. Really, I'm not.

When we come back she's still worrying about what to do, before deciding to run off or "change locations" as she tells her opponent. Nobody is going to call the cops? No one? Okay. Not that Officer Jenny has any intention of letting her go, since she uses handcuffs-on-a-string to trip her up.

... really now? Does f***ing EVERYTHING in this show gotta be either extending or on a string?

Also, do they really need to keep focusing on Aya's chest and ass all the time? We get it, we've already SEEN THEM BARE THERE IS NO SEXUAL TENSION WITH THAT.

So now the officer pulls out a baton and is all "man if you're this weak then you don't have what it takes to join us" but seriously, you're not really being very forthcoming to begin with, so you kind of have only yourself to blame here?

Weren't you just talking shit about how she didn't have any
skill or something? What is even.

Then she says something about how Haruki is kinda hot and she was thinking about 'getting a piece of that' later but now she doesn't think it's worth it? I don't understand this woman's thought processes. Is she high or something? Because her comments are pretty much all over the place.

Yes, I get it, you're trying to goad your opponent into fighting you. Except that you're terrible at it and just pulling random statements out of your ass in the hopes she's dumb enough to be riled up. But really? You're probably just confusing her more. Oh wait now she's mad because you talked about porking the dude she doesn't wanna admit she want's to do. Greaat.

No, that's not what you said at all. Do you listen to yourself?

Then she claims to be putting an end to this, when Aya jumps up and... somehow gets her ankle out of the cuffs.

... uh, what?

You didn't even kick them or anything you just jump and they magically come undone? What?

What? Just... what?!

Then Aya's all "how dare you, you don't even have a boyfriend" and this echoes and has some kind of impact on her and it's clear what she is fighting for - a reason even worse than Miko's.

Voldemort? Sauron?  Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto? Gimme
something to go with here I'm kinda lost!

She snaps her baton and says that she'll kill her, and then the nurse.... is.. oh god help me.

WHO WEARS THIS TO THE POOL EVER?!

THESE ARE NOT POOL OUTFIT. THESE ARE JUST SEXY OUTFITS. WHO WOULD ACTUALLY WEAR THIS SHIT TO A POOL. WHO? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

They give us some close ups of their full body but who cares girls are fighting while they talk about Aya not fighting to her full potential. Then Officer Jenny uses her baton like a rapier, and just as Aya is about to knee her in the face so hard her, I dunno, everything explodes, she pulls back, letting her opponent just flinch.

Then Meowth, I mean, Female James, applauds and is all "that was good now we have an idea of what you can do thanks" and then offer to let her join them. Oh but she'll have to meet them at the harbor at 8 later that night, so have fun bye.

I'm sticking with my Team Rocket theory.

But then that guy comes up and gives her a shirt and is all "whoa what was that?" and Natsume conveniently shows up moments later all "oh hey sorry shop was crowded" and wonders what was going on.

NIGHT TIME. THE HARBOR. PROBABLY EIGHT O'CLOCK OR SOMETHING. And Aya shows up wearing something that might be ridiculous I dunno. She demands to know what the hell this whole Platonic Heart thing is all about.

But of course Nurse Joy is all "well what we tell you depends on what your answer is."

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION IF YOU DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING?!

Leave it to Lady James to pretty much blurt out that they work to the people who 'sponsor' Platonic Heart. Oh, and they refer to themselves as "Our side" or "from Headquarters".

... uhhh, that... uh...

Maybe you could have just said "we're basically the home office" or "we're the ones that send you text messages". That would've sounded a lot less pretentious, and less unoriginal. Because referring to yourselves as "our side" is just... it's f***ing idiotic!

So the deal is they want her to withdraw from Platonic Heart and start taking orders from the Home Office. Kinda like she does already. Except, y'know, not for a wish? Oh and don't worry because the jewels that she's collected already will go to some new person?

Kind of makes you wonder why they want her to give up. I mean, it almost sounds like they just don't want anybody to win this contest for some reason. Why, if she does well enough, maybe they'll grant her wish.

Or, y'know, she could just win the contest to get her wish, right?

But wait, there's more! If she also recruits people she'll get a hefty bonus! Wait hold on, this is sounding more and more like a pyramid scheme actually. I'm pretty sure that's how this works. Though there's only one thing that Aya wants to know: Will she be able to find Miko and that teacher who tried to kill her?

It takes them a moment to figure out who she's talking about before Officer Jenny laughs at how stupid she is.

Except Miko didn't lose her challenge...?

Oh yeah but they actually just 'disappear'. Because, y'know. That's kind of their other job is to make people vanish? Sorry they probably should have mentioned that up front but y'know, referral bonuses being what they are they probably thought it might scare her away, sorry about that!

Obviously, this doesn't go over well with Aya, who shakes with rage, and decides she's sick of this shit.

You could've been a little more forthcoming with the "join us
or die" rhetoric, I mean geez.

So they all three attack her and who'd have thought fighting three people at once would be hard.

Oh sure, you get a name but Mechanic Girl doesn't? God.

Aya cries out in defiance that she can't lose to them, and Lady James is all "please, there's three of us. Plus, we're sisters!" like that should mean anything. So what if you're sisters? Either it's not by blood or one of your parents was incredibly loose because you all have totally different color hair. I know this is anime, but even then family members tend to have similar hair color. Because that shit is hereditary!

They do another combo attack and I guess the nurse has EXTENDING GAUZE that wraps around her neck as Officer Jenny slaps her in the chin so hard it explodes the rest of her blouse.

I don't.... did they just watch Ikkitousen and decide "yeah we can do that" and totally ignore how physics is supposed to work!? You're supposed to hit the f***ing clothes when they explode! Not six inches in some other direction so that they explode in a manner that reveals some skin!

Not joking, this is FIVE YEARS AFTER IKKITOUSEN. FIVE YEARS. AND YOU ARE DOING A WORSE JOB OF IT. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?!?! GOD DAMN IT ARMS CORPORATION WHY ARE YOU SO SHITTY AT EVERYTHING?!

So Aya comes to the realization that she can't dodge all three attacks and decides she shouldn't even bother dodging. Then Lady James attacks her with... I dunno, a bag of marbles on a string? Seriously, everybody has some kind of extending or on-a-string weapon in this show. EVERYBODY! Except for her teacher but that doesn't really count because EVERYONE ELSE DOES.

Even the nurse has something. I have no clue what she's swinging around. A whip? Gauze? Hell if I know it's just A Thing at this point. But there's rock music playing and Aya swings so hard at Officer Jenny it shreds HER top even though her attack totally missed. At which point they clearly went "who cares BOOBIES!"

And kicks so hard the sheer momentum shreds her skirt.

This doesn't even look badass! It just looks like you are trying way too hard to look awesome!

At least she's speaking like an actual badass...

Oh and remember what I was saying about the ranged attacks thing? Well turns out, THERE'S MORE.

Throwing hairpins too? What about your bag o' marbles?!

The nurse also throws syringes... which is predictable I guess. But Aya gives no craps, and just goes to town of Officer Jenny so hard her bra explodes and now we have more naked tits. Hooray for fifteen year old boys touching themselves! But Aya is all "guess I can take one of you down" and she asks for help and of course the other two run after her as she cries. So now Aya double-knees the other two sisters in the faces, and kicks them so hard their entire outfits just start falling off piecemeal.

But Officer Jenny runs off, and starts up a car and prepares to run over not just Aya, but also her sisters in a cop car. Not that Aya cares because she'll straight up Street Fighter that f***ing car, ripping through the frame and going right into what's-her-name's face. Which somehow doesn't kill her immediately.

Though this probably will.

Come to think of it, why was it necessary to kick through the car in the first place? Clearly she wouldn't have been able to stop it before it ran off the edge anyways, so surely you could have, I dunno. Avoided it or something? Jumped over the car? That's clearly in your ability set.

Then the other two sisters go for a little skinny dip and Aya looks over the edge as parts of their outfits come floating to the top and sad piano plays.

None of these things should be floating. NONE OF THEM.

Aya looks at her phone one more time and is all "Miko was erased and didn't even lose, what bullshit!" and wonders why this had to happen. But then someone else congratulates her on her victory.

We're just moving right up the pyramid aren't we?

She clarifies that, yeah, it's clear Aya won't be joining, and they're cool with it. She can continue on as just another participant no big deal. Not that she really cares since Miko is gone now, so what's the point? Except that, PLOT TWIST she's not actually dead, but if she wants to see her friend then she's gotta win the thingy.

This just went from Magical Wish-granting to straight-up
Mafia-style extortion racket.

Oh and also the guy in charge of this wants to meet her personally. He doesn't normally do this but hey, he's making an exception tonight just because.

Yeah, so uh, hey. Just wanted to see your boobs. LOL!

Having seen his face, they drive off in the limo and she is left wondering why Haruki is behind all of this. Or what anything means! PLOT TWIIIIIST.

But seriously I'm pretty sure he just wanted to see her tits. Even though there were way better ways of doing that? But this also implicates his sister. EXTRA PLOT TWIIIIIIST.

Actually, I don't even care. Because this is all just stupid. So freaking stupid. Like, Ikkitousen had a more comprehensible story and that show was twice as long! This is just straight-up ridiculous. There's only two more episodes of this left? Boy, I can't wait to see how it ends!

... actually I could stand to wait but I guess I'll find out in two weeks regardless. Ugh.

I hate this f***ing show already.