The Qwaser of Stigmata Episode 16 - Pheonix of Conviction

Now that I have finally sorted out the audio issues with my computer, it's time we got things back on track.

I would have loved to start up with Sailor Moon again, but you know what they say - you need to do the things you hate to reward yourself for doing the things you like.

... or something like that. It's booby time people!

Today's episode opens with a serene evening at some church where a certain evil priest dude is looking at pictures of the girl he's been raising. Because priests are creeps.

Also, he wants to know why said girl isn't sucking that other girl dry. Y'know, the nun they kidnapped and enslaved the mind of? Her response?

Because we are clearly evil or something?

Lizzie seems upset because now she has to kill the people she's befriended or something. But he tells her to shut the hell up and do as she's told, and she accepts that because, well, dude is in charge or whatever. Then someone screams and we get a flashback to when he was an even bigger douche in the past and set folks on fire for fun. After setting the entire convent on fire by snapping his fingers, a tiny person with a stick hopes that they might affect some kind of change.

If you make another parallel to Saber I will f***ing shoot you.

Kid claims she will totally take him down.

Could she have possibly picked a less threatening stick???

He thinks this is pretty hilarious though, and says that she should probably become a strong person or something, and then he finds out she's a girl.

Speaking of Lizzie, she goes to hang out with Teresa who is all "HERE'S MAH BOOBS" which depresses her and the creepy priest narrates about how he was going to use a little child for Soma and leave them to die but changed his mind because she turned out to be pretty cool.

What does this have to do with anything?!

He says she has a pretty name, and then we get back to reality where she is sucking on tits and stuff because that's what this whole show is about.

Speaking of tits Tomo is lying on a table behind the creepy priest. Oh right, he captured her too, but why is she suddenly in the background now when she wasn't before? Because this show is about as consistent as a five-year-old's alibi after six Snickers bars.

Cue the shitty intro with SUPER DARK EMO OVERTONES! THIS SHOW IS AWESOME AND GOTHIC DON'T YOU AGREE LOOK AT HOW DARK ALL OF OUR IMAGERY IS.

So after all that is over, Sasha gets all pissy with Father Eyepatch and that other girl is all like "boo hoo". Also, Sasha is all like "dafuq man why didn't you tell me that dude who killed that person who totally scarred me for life?"

Short answer? Because he's a dick. Long answer?

That makes perfectly no sense at all!

Oh right and Katja is also there with that other useless slab of meat I guess but for some reason they feel the need to fill the entire f***ing screen with Katja's mouth.

This isn't even an exaggeration.

The point of an artsy shot like this is to showcase your animation
skill, not to just fill up space with a single mouth flap.

Blah blah she starts talking about all the different names this guy has acquired over the years of setting random douches on fire.

Wait. Mancracker? Seriously?! AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Blah blah he controls salt and sets people on fire by controlling their salt or something. Also he can do anything because salt. Ignoring that one girl dreaming about being mind-controlled, they talk about how that one stupid egg thing got stolen by the other guy who kidnapped those girls. Yeah, so I guess they are probably somehow connected or something? That seems to make sense to patchy there.

But Sasha is all I WILL DEFEAT HIM and the priest all but laughs in his face.

You... only have six levels? Okay. That... seems dumb.

Yadda yadda Sasha you can't beat him and also you are totally not allowed to do anything because that shadowy organization we constantly reference but never actually talk about is going to be doing things so go play with boobs or something.

They're just supposed to kick back and do nothing, which makes Sasha run out of the room, followed by Mafyuu because she is the caring mother figure or whatever.

So she follows him to his room where he begins to give us his completely sad backstory. YAWN.

In Soviet Russia, people are property!

Sasha claims his parents abandoned him because they were 'blinded by greed', but then he says that his parents 'threw him away' as they beat him with sticks. Why can't you just say they got paid a hell of a lot of money? So this Fresco group or whatever hooked them up to these weird machines to turn them into Qwasars. But then he met Olja while he was crying one day.

Suddenly I am not okay with this.

I think perhaps this might be the squickiest thing that's ever been done in this entire f***ing show. Random girl walks up to crying boy, grabs his hand and says "I WILL BE YOUR SISTER."

Just. Just holy shit man. That's creep city if ever I saw it.

Then she comforts him. With her boobs. And then directly with her boobs because did you forget this whole show is about dudes sucking on tits? They sure didn't.

Now he comes out of flashback land long enough to say "yo, Tomo was like that chick or something I guess and I think that was pretty rad" and then we head back into flashbackland to find people dying and something about an ambush.

How do you 'ambush' someone in their own facility?

Oh and then he went to live in a cabin with his creepy sister until those Adepts showed up or whatever, and she's all "YOU MUST LIVE" and goes out to beat someone with a thing. So she dies because of a gold whip running through her, which was pretty pointless, and he picks up the thing and makes a giant sword, but gets frozen because some dude is a dick.

A dick who speaks to a child who cannot possibly comprehend
what the f**k you are saying. Sodium? Ions? I doubt basic
biology was on his curriculum much less chemistry.

So these old guys look down on the kid, he gets a scar on his face and they tell him to be strong or whatever, and that he should try to defeat them someday or something the end.

"Do ya wanna hear how I got these sc-" "NO!"

Over with Count Katja and her incredible slave girl, they find themselves in a library where they look at stuff on a computer. Are we supposed to know where they've gone off to? Because you failed to establish the scene properly. They could be anywhere! But back to Team Tomo where Mafyuu picks up the phone and listens to the gimp that tells her some stuff. Sasha sees what she wrote down, and then suddenly they're attempting to emulate much better stories again because this show is complete crap.

Sorry, when did I start watching A Certain Magical Index?

Come to think of it, this makes perfect sense. This show wants so hard to be Index. Because that show is infinitely superior to this shit. Magic and science THAT MAKES F***ING SENSE TOGETHER IN CONTEXT. Unlike this bullshit. Hell, it's got everything, from the oppressive Christian overtones and crazy priests and nuns to bullshit science magic and artifacts that act as deus ex machina.

This show wanted to be Index. Did I mention this once before? Because it seems like it should have been obvious to me at some point but I probably forgot because this show is just that terrible.

So after ordering Hana to take off her panties Sasha goes to leave the house and Mafyuu wants to go with. Because Tomo is her sole reason for existing and stuff but he doesn't want her to go because life is precious or something even though he's about to throw his away. Also, he's getting even more emo by the f***ing second.

WE GET IT YOUR LIFE IS TRAGIC.

But then she takes his hand and is all GRAB MAH BOOBS and he is suddenly convinced by her or something. So he sucks on her boobs, she cries and falls to the ground because it feels great or something, and then they're in the missionary position. What the hell?

So NOW we find them getting re-dressed in front of the house and he's all "still wanna come with?" and she goes "uh yeah sure whatever". Also I guess he sucked on her a 'different' way or something it's really kind of unclear.

Yeah, they went there.

So she hits him in the face with her stick, and goes storming off, and now they're in the woods where some wild jungle animals are making noises.

Seriously, I doubt ANYTHING sounds like that in Japan.

Now we're at that place with the girls and they're all "oh hey the iron dude is gonna show up" and dude is all "Lizzie, kill whoever comes in" and then apologizes for dragging her into this shit even though... he really shouldn't care? You can't be all penitent about doing super evil shit because you're a complete f***ing jackass and then turn around and fake apologize for being a complete turd blossom even though you've really not shown any reason for anybody to ever assume that you might feel the slightest bit bad about dragging a child you were going to drink the life from into a decades-long personal goal of yours?

I mean, seriously dude. What the f**k.

Then they say they love each other, and some other dude shows up after Lizzie runs out, and dumps out all the booze.

This is a whole truckload of stupid right here.

So... they are maybe gonna fight or something I'm kind of unclear on this. But no matter! Lizzie is meeting up with those other two and they're about to fight or something too I guess maybe.

Now everyone begins fighting and stuff, and I guess... priest dude is... fighting a clone? Even his explanation doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

I'm just going to stop trying to think about what this show
is trying to tell me and just accept things keep happening.

Oh and I guess he's now up against like six people or something abut then the church explodes which interrupts that OTHER fight. Mafyuu goes running off, and Lizzie is all "yeah I was supposed to kill everyone that tried to go inside or something but hey she can go in because I'm busy fighting you bro".

So she gets in there and finds priest dude and some other dude and Tomo and is all like "what?"

Then Lizzie and Sasha trade words about their goals or whatever and decide they're both dumb and try to kill one another again.

Someone clearly missed the entire conversation where dude
has straight up murdered countless innocent lives for kicks.

Oh, but he reveals it's because he's been trying to keep a promise to... Tomo's dad! DUN DUN DUUUUN.

More fighting happening outside. Lizzie gets hit into a tree and almost gets her top ripped off, but then Teresa gets in the way and is all "dude you already won so walk away" but he's all "yeah f**k that I'm just going to cut through both of you and not go after the dude I really want to kill because reasons."

So they manage to actually tie in that one episode that made absolutely no f***ing sense two episodes back. That "elemental circuits" thing. Turns out there used to be seven of them or something and one happens to be inside the egg. It's called the "Sword of Maria" which makes a lot more sense than the Tiddlywink of Tselinoyarsk or whatever the f**k.

And just like that they lost me again.

IT IS FOR THE SAKE OF THE WORLD OR SOMETHING. But he has to because Tomo is SECRETLY EVIL OR SOMETHING. Because now she's awake and shit and super not Tomo actually because she's glowing. That other dude goes to like kiss her legs or something now that she is straight up floating in the air but gets kicked away and girl is all "yo dude, you been gone so long what's the deal?"

Oh yeah he mind-controlled Tomo this entire time which is why she was always so dumb but now its worn off I guess? I'm kind of confused again. I guess she's been possessed or something? By "The Golden Qwaser". Episode ends.

How in the f**k is it possible that I keep knowing LESS what is going on with each passing episode?

Seriously. How the f**k does that even work. I don't even know.