PokeMon Episode 001 - I Choose You!

WHAT.

YOU THOUGHT I WOULD SOMEHOW NEVER EVER PICK UP THIS SERIES HUH?

COME ON. I THOUGHT WE ALL KNEW I WAS SLIGHTLY LESS SANE THAN THAT.

OKAY POKEMON, YOU SHITTY SHOW, LETS DO THIS. IT IS TIME TO BECOME A MASTER. THE GREATEST. OF THEM ALL. BY WATCHING EVERY EPISODE OF POKEMON EVER.

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

"No, there's no possible way that he could actually be going through with this and watc-"

ASH KETCHUM STRONGLY DISAGREES WITH YOUR
ASSESSMENT HERE.

Oh yeah. Yeah. WE ARE DOING THIS.

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND, THE POWER THAT'S INSIDE.

YOU KNOW ITS MY DESTINY!

F**k you Gary Oak. F**K YOU BRO!

ALL I NEED IS FOR MY COURAGE TO PULL ME THROUGH.

So how do you start a brilliant f***ing show like this?

YOU DO IT BY ANIMATING THE GAME INTRO. BY HAND!

This is how you start a mother f***ing show.

The cheering crowds, that pumping battle music, they don't just throw this in as a one-time gag. Oh no, they play this one all the way through. This isn't just some random battle. THIS IS A GODDAMN LEAGUE MATCH BABY COMPLETE WITH STADIUM AND ANNOUNCER. THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING YOUR ENTIRE JUVENILE LIFE FOR MY FRIENDS. THIS IS THE PINNACLE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD.

Gengar beats the shit out of poor Nidoran Male though. So our macho-looking bro chooses his next fighter.

Gengar 'bout to get raep'd.

Quickly transition to the fact that we're watching this on a TV. But not just ANY TV mind you.

Welcome to your hero for the next 850+ episodes.
Plus the movies. And specials.

The narrator lets us know what's up. This is Ash. He's a bro. And he lives in Pallet Town. WAIT WHOA THAT'S THAT PLACE YOU TOTALLY STARTED AT IN THE GAME. THIS DUDE IS YOU! HOLY SHIT!

Better yet? Ash tells us he's ten. And you know what that means?

BRO IS GETTING HIS POKE'LICENSE.

Frickin' sweet!

He also has this totally rad poster.

The Narrator once again chimes in, giving us helpful hints. See, when you turn ten, and you get a Poke'License? You get a starter Poke'Mon from Professor F***ing Oak.

Yeah. Just. Like. You.

And just like you, Ash declares to the entire world while holding a toy Voltorb that he is going to become THE GREATEST. POKEMON. MASTER.

SPEED LINES MAKE IT MORE DRAMATIC!

Oh but first his mom says it's 11PM and he should be asleep and NO DO NOT CARE IF YOU GET YOUR POKE'LICENSE TOMORROW YOU GO TO BED SON. OH FINE, WATCH THIS EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM FROM PROFESSOR OAK INSTEAD, BUT THEN STRAIGHT TO SLEEP YA NERD.

You can tell how educational it is because Oak is
holding a very official educational pointer.

He takes the time to introduce us to the starters: Charmander, Squirtle, and Bulbasaur. (Personally I'm a Bulbasaur kinda guy myself). We get the title slide for today's episode, and we find out that Ash is also a fan of Bulbasaur. Since he says it in his sleep. Heck, he even dreams of choosing a Bulbasaur! Or a Squirtle. But let's face it, Bulbasaur is clearly the correct choice here.

In the morning, he gets woken up by Dodrio - the worst alarm clock in the world.

With a voice like theirs it couldn't be used for anything else.

Then Ash dreams of a Charmander, realizes he threw his clock and SHIT SHIT SHIT GOTTA GET OVER TO OAK'S SHIT.

Unfortunately, he got co-opted by the GARY OAK FANCLUB.

Seriously f**k this douche!

Ash is just in time to literally run into Gary, who is the biggest dick in the world. He even tells Ash to call him Mister Gary to "show some respect".

Oh yeah and also he's got a PokeMon and Ash doesn't. And because the crowd is cheering his name he's gotta declare to be the greatest PokeMon master of all time.

Yeah.

I take it back. Charmander is the option to go with so I can
set his petty little ass on fire.

So which one did Gary get? None of his business. All Ash needs to know is Gary got the best f***ing one. And boy is it nice to "have a grandpa who is in the business". Whatever that means? Then he cranks the douche-o-meter up to 20 by driving off in a chauffeured car.

DOES YOUR ASSOTRY KNOW NO BOUNDS!?

This sets Ash off, but then the Professor shows up and is all "uh, hey Ash you are still in your PJs dude, what's up with that?"

So now, it's time for Ash to make a decision. HE PICKS SQUIRTLE!

... shame, someone else already got that one. FINE THEN. HE WILL BE THE ACTUAL BEST BULBAS-

...well shit.

Okay. Clearly the show is well aware of our desire to SET GARY MOTHER F***ING OAK ON FIRE. Charmander it is.

"Sorry Ash. Also taken by someone who wasn't late."

But... well, there is one other...

It had to be hidden inside the pedestal though.

He tries to tell Ash that there may be an issue with this one. But who cares ASH IS TEN YEARS OLD AND NEEDS A POKEMON!

Say hello to your franchise mascot.

"You'll see," says Oak.

Oh, you'll see.

I LOVE IT. I WILL PET IT AND HUG IT AND FEED IT
AND TAKE REALLY GOOD CARE OF IT AND
I WILL NAME HIM GEORGE.

... unless he takes offense to this of course.

Yadda yadda here kid take your stupid pokeballs and pokedex and leave my lab.

So helpful.

But hey, don't mind Pikachu he's just... y'know. Not jealous at all or anything.

And we all wonder why he was always confined.

Afterwards, Ash goes out to meet the Go Ash Go committee!

It is quite literally the most humble gathering imaginable.

He sets his little pal down, his mom hands over all his stuff and tells him to get outta town. But he's a big Trainer he can take care of himself! Pikachu doesn't seem to like him much but that's fine. HE WILL USE HIS LITTLE PIKA-PAL TO CATCH EVERY POKEMON IN THE WORLD.

IN. THE. WORLD.

Oh yeah and what's with this one not staying in his ball?

This might take awhile.

Clearly they are THE BEST OF FRIENDS. Which is sealed by electrocuting the entire audience.

So now Ash is off on his GRAND. ADVENTURE. AND IT IS GRAND. AND ALSO THE BEST ADVENTURE IMAGINABLE.

SO GRAND.

Eventually he gets tired of dragging his pal around, and sits down to have a heartfelt chat, where Pikachu tells him exactly what's wrong.

Or he just... I dunno. Does that I guess.

We learn that Pikachu can only say... Pikachu. AWESOME ROLL CREDITS.

Wait no nevermind, just shut up and get in the ball Pikachu, even the 'dex says you should get inside of it while being trained. Wait, no, some hate being confined and stuff. So Ash takes away the rope and gloves, and A WILD PIDGEY APPROACHES.

QUICK ELECTROCUTE IT FOR THE XP!

It's an easy bird to beat so...

Nevermind, Pikachu has his own agenda. Falling asleep in a tree. So Ash decides screw you Pikachu, he doesn't need your help, he'll just toss balls at that thing until he captures it.

NOW IT IS TIME FOR TODAY'S WHO'S THAT POKE'MON SEGMENT!

Wait. Waaaait. Hang on. I know this one damnit!

Ash tosses down his bag, reaffirms his pledge to capturing everything, grabs a ball, shouts at the bird, and declares ENJOY YOUR FINAL MOMENTS OF FREEDOM BIRD. YOU ARE NOW MINE!

Wait no, never mind, that fierce bird cannot be confined so easily.

It runs off into the grass, Pikachu laughs, and even the 'dex seems condescending because Ash is an idiot.

Ash gets an idea though, grabs his PJ shirt, and creeps up on the Pidgey.

Momma always said he'd be going places...

To his credit, he gets it under the shirt, but then it uses a gust attack, and knocks him off, then covers him with sand and flies off. More laughter from the Pikachu gallery, and a Ratatta to steal stuff from his bag. And the 'dex tells him that they sometimes steal stuff from stupid travelers.

Then a horde of Pidgey! He throws a rock, and one bird remains. He pegs it in the head, but...

That's. No. Pidgey.

Oh hey, that's a Spearow. They're kind of vicious and stuff, and so it straight up starts attacking Ash, who is forced to defend himself. But it decidees to change targets, and instead goes after Pikachu just because he's a dick of the Gary Oak variety.

Also the 'dex tells us that wild 'mons tend to hate Trainer-owned ones because jealousy. They can't stand their easy-livin' ways! But then Pikachu electrocutes the thing, it cries, and suddenly an entire flock of Spearow.

Even the Sandshrews are like "oh shit what NOPE NOPE NOPE WE ARE GROUND TYPES NOPE."

Seven types of Nope right now.

Mankeys watch on as the boy and his new buddy get chased and pecked to death. The birds start piling on Pikachu, who practically faints, and Ash picks up his little buddy and leaps into a waterfall, passing by Magikarp and Gyrados and eventually gets fished up by a very unlucky girl.

She's expecting the catch of a lifetime. She's about to be
disappointed for one.

After fishing him up, she chews him out for treating Pikachu horribly. After all look at that thing? Man it is totally beat the hell up! What is wrong with this kid?

Better get him to the PokeCenter like, now.

Oh yeah and the birds are still after him so he takes her bike and rides off claiming to GIVE IT BACK SOMEDAY.

EPIC CHASE MUSIC as a storm rolls in, and we see him riding across the plains while Pikachu watches, barely hanging onto consciousness as the birds close in and the rain pours down on them. He slips off a cliff, and they both go flying as lightning sails through the sky. He asks his pal to get in the ball, if only to save his life. Afterwards, he totally promises that everything will be okay.

He then turns to deliver a very rousing speech to a bunch of angry birds.

To be fair, telling them who he is and who he is destined to
become probably sounded a LOT better in his head.

Pikachu takes note of his declaration to catch and defeat all of the birds, and watches as the kid lets himself get pummeled. Or would if his little buddy didn't climb up, leap off his shoulder, and electrocute every mother f***er in the room.

Oh and then the sun comes out because MAGIC!

Alas, poor bike, we knew ye well.

Eventually the two wake up, kinda smile at each other, and go "man, that was crazy."

Y'know what's also crazy?

This f***ing bird, that's what.

Oh yeah. You know who THAT bitch is?

That's f***ing Ho-oh mother f***ers. Shit blew our MIND.

DON'T MIND ME JUST A BIRD SO F***ING LEGENDARY I'M NOT EVEN IN THE GAMES YET. SEE YOU ALL IN GEN TWO. PEACE!

Ash asks what the f**k, who the f**k and the 'dex is just all "heck if I know dude, I'm just an encyclopedia. Got no clue what that one is."

So he watches it go over the horizon, and the narrator reminds us that this is just the start of their adventure and it is gonna be awesome. So you should totally be watching. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. THE END.

And 15 years later, he's still ten years old.

PLAY THAT OUTRO. Which... is just the intro with credits squeezed in on the side. BUT HEY. LISTEN TO THAT TOTALLY RAD SONG! GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!

So join in next time as I never watch this show ever again.

What, come on dudes. It's April the 1st. Did you really think I would watch the entire thing here? This show is over four times longer than the one that started this thing.

I'd have to be completely insane to try and tackle that. Especially since it's on-going.

And I like to think we all know that I'm only mostly insane.

Four out of five voices in my head agree on this point.