Gunparade March Episode 07 - In The Forests Of Nights - A Long Night

I think I had a bunch of things I wanted to say before I tackled this one, but let's just go over exactly why this is so late, and why this will be the only post for the week.

See, I spent most of my Friday moving a giant television. It was not fun. While I did not, in fact, die while moving it, I was left unable to type properly for about two days afterwards because my arms were just that sore. So that delayed things.

And now that I'm covering for someone's vacation at work all week, I am simply going to be too damn exhausted to keep up the normal pace. So I'm going to be slipping in this guy to catch up to the other shows, and then nothing of value will be put here until next Monday.

So that's where we stand right now. Which means I should get this done and over with and stop delaying so much. Ugh.

I really hate this opening. Here's a good example of why:

I literally cannot see what the f**k is going on half the time.

Whoever did the art direction for this opening better have been fired, because they have seriously failed in their job.

So we begin with baking cakes. Because they wanted to have Nono looking cute baking cakes because cooking is so fun amirite?

Fun fact. This show started in 2003. Azumanga Daioh! aired
way back in 2002. So you tell me if they're trying to capture
some of that Azudai magic or not.

She wants to see how the frosting is coming along and gets told it tastes good and then all the other girls who haven't kicked the bucket show up all smiles and sunshine to help out with cakes. Also clumsy one breaks something because she's clumsy.

Which means we have to awkwardly transition into a SERIOUS SCENE with the blind dude on the phone talking about how he understands whatever it was he was told. We don't get to know because SUSPENSE. Then transition to those guys on the plane who are like "shit what do I hate this crap". They'll be back in like five minutes. Except for those two they left behind! Cue the title slide.

What, no cat? Is this supposed to be more serious or something?

It is snowing in a dark forest somewhere. Wind coldly blows by and we see trees broken all over the place and a red mech just sleeping away. Inside a girl wakes up to see a bro looking at her all 'uh hi I have a blue glowing thing' and looks like she cut her leg or whatever, and is all freaking out because what's going on. To which he goes "don't you remember?" and we IMMEDIATELY PUSH THE FLASHBACK BUTTON TO WHERE LAST EPISODE ENDED AW YEAH.

It's still daytime and they're all fighting aliens and shit and then we come back to reality and find out she was only out for... an hour.

Wait a f***ing minute. You're telling me that within an hour, this entire forest was covered in snow? Because that shit WAS NOT THERE IN THE FLASHBACK. But now there's a thick coat of it all over the place? F**k you show.

Also, there's still aliens around so they have to be quiet but he gives her some water with roofies or whatever in it to 'heal' her or whatnot.

NO. WE CAN'T. THAT IS A STUPID F***ING QUESTION.

While she was out, he was all doing things or whatever. He figures the brain is probably nearby, and he shows her some sort of weird color-coded pregnancy test thing that's supposed to mean something I guess?

That is totally a pregnancy test man. It's even got a blue line!

This thing tells him that it's emitting some weird gas or whatever, and they maybe have twelve hours before their filtration systems cut out? But on being pressed, it's more llike probably four. Maybe three. Guess you're screwed! She decides they are basically dead, and asks him to tell her a story.

He's not ready to stay down though, he's all for running through the monsters to safety. She feels kind of tired though, and passes out again.

So he decides to open that present Nono gave him before they left, and then people fight over cakes back home.

Or at least fight in front of the cakes, I mean, it is Japan. Who knows with those guys.

Our resident hot-blooded mecha hero guy is all trying to beat on one of the command dudes who were just following orders because that's kind of their job. Then Nono cries which defuses the whole thing by making everyone feel SUPER BAD. HOW DARE YOU FIGHT IN FRONT OF A LITTLE GIRL WHO MADE YOU A CHRISTMAS CAKE AND STUFF. YOU MONSTERS.

Meanwhile, these two are off into the deep, black, forest.
Also, I guess maybe he really did roofie her if she's this sleepy.

He looks at a map, hoists her onto his back, and walks off into the snowy forest because aliens totally won't attack him right now.

Until two aliens immediately show up and he's like "well this was dumb guess I better start praying out loud".

I am every bit as confused as you are by this.

So instead of just outright killing them the aliens decide, nah, you're cool and let them walk away. Then we have a dream flashback of the girl who listens to the people who died when she was way younger which made her join the army because reasons. She didn't have to join but she wanted to for some reason. Then the monsters get all woke up again and chase after then, but they dive into a nearby building which I guess is impervious to angry aliens trying to kill you. How convenient!

They're in a dam building or whatever, and the aliens are like 'well guess we better stick around' and he tries the phone inside which doesn't work no matter how many times he presses the receiver button (no shit), and then blind teacher gets served tea by that other teacher who tells him not to worry for whatever reason. I mean it's not like people in their line of work just go missing and never show up again right?

Oh yeah and also they won't have any more missions for now because they're one machine short and I guess the shop is fresh out of combat machines for them to use. How convenient!

Commercial break.

So now we're back out into the snow, where bro talks about... roses? While walking outside? And the aliens just kinda calmly watch him?

I have no idea if I just missed something, but I'm pretty sure they are intentionally trying to mind f**k me here.

So he keeps talking about I dunno, roses or whatever. It's poetry or something or whatever, and the girl wakes up next to a fire as bro comes back apologizing that he couldn't find any blankets.

They talk about how this place probably controlled the floodgates at one time, and dude starts talking about some shit his dad told him a long time ago. Like how, despite being surrounded by monsters, folks used to get by with nothing more than a gas mask.

Of course this never came up before.

But don't you worry. More bullshit is well on its way.

You'd think they might have figured this out over the last, I
don't know. Sixty years or so?

If you ever had any hopes that this show might turn out to be pretty decent, I will just consider that your hopes have now been forever dashed. Because now we're going into the 'aliens really aren't monsters after all!' trope despite the fact that they clearly wiped out most of the world's population or whatever. It really is Strike Witches all over again. Except Strike Witches was better.

Dude keeps talking about how the only ones besides the monks that lived were sleeping children.

Ha! They were roofies!

He tells her he was reciting some fairy tale from back in the day and that's what kept them alive this long, and she's all 'yeah I can never not hate those assholes, did they get all weird when I was dreaming about the past?' and then they finally decide to address the elephant in the room, the whole 'why did you bother joining the military anyways'?

Of course she joined because of her senpai.

Strap in yo butts, we're about to get super emotional all up in here.

I'm sure you probably would have killed some other girls
to get him to notice you.

Anyways she all super respected that dude and he died three years ago and wouldn't you know it, he was just some poor mech pilot and she felt super guilty because he died using a machine her dad developed or whatever and that made her feel super bad so she joined the military and became a super tsundere because FEELINGS ARE SO FOREIGN TO HER.

Anyways yeah her dad basically owns the company what a big surprise. Also she has daddy issues because he's a monster or whatever.

Okay. To be fair, this is actually a valid reason to hate your dad.

Seven episodes in, they decide to try and address how these "PBE bombs" work. See, it requires people with, let's call them 'magic' powers because that seems way more accurate than 'special' powers. Just call it f***ing magic. But since those guys are so rare they decided 'well shit we need more of these freaks so GENETIC ENGINEERING YEAH!' because that solves everything.

Though... I don't think the writers understand how that stuff works because he goes on to say they 'gathered orphans from all over the world' to 'conduct research' on them.

Genetic engineering kind of works from the womb y'know. It uh, isn't easily applied after a person has grown? I mean, sure there's hormone therapies and stuff but I wouldn't call that 'genetic engineering'. Hell, if it were that simple, why only conduct it on orphan children? That seems kind of weird.

Oh and of course there was a 'side effect' that meant they could never grow up THE HORROR.

Boy, this show is really going out of its way to find more ways for me to hate it.

One has to wonder how mankind survived this long, if this
is what it takes to fight back against the alien menace.

Blah blah Nono is a happy girl and you shouldn't feel responsible for her or any other kid. Also, speaking of her, she's sleeping in someone's lap because cute little girls.

Also the other girls are all wondering about those two who got left behind and how they're probably going to die soon.

Outside mech dude throws a ball against a wall and has a moment with the other dude who is like "yeah I don't like that other guy but man I really wanted to tap that girl's ass, we should totally go steal a mech or something right?"

Meanwhile, those command dudes talk to the blind teacher who is like 'yeah uh you can't just set up a bomb with two mechs I mean that doesn't work' and they're like 'well we could just team up with some other bros' and teacher is like 'well we're gonna have to clear that with everyone and I totally don't suspect you just want to go rescue your comrades or whatever'.

Which means that they're going to move forward with this plan because those other two pilots show up to uh, 'request' a machine'. So fine, let's go do a thing. Oh how convenient, the maintenance is just magically done as soon as they go to ask if they can take them out for a spin.

I hate you Nono. Stop trying to be so cute. It's simply not working.

The whole team in is on this thing, and back at the dam bro shows that he found a bunch of civvie gas masks and girl is like 'yeah we're still only good till morning and probably still totally dead' and decides to look at a random book.

Or rather the dude does. It's hard to tell them apart when they wear the exact same goddamn thing. But he's all 'yeah well we could just leave I guess' and she's like 'okay cool I'll leave it to you' and he's like 'wait you're not gonna bitch at me?' and she's probably thinking 'bro we're about to die and shit and frankly if you think you can get us out of this alive then I may as well take the chance since we're pretty much dead no matter what'.

Oh wait, nevermind, she asks to be left behind because broken leg or whatever.

So now planes fly through the air to do a thing. Also one dude apologizes to another dude and then immediately retracts it because he's a dick.

More snow, more forest, more depressing music with simple piano, and Nono makes a giant green marble glow.

Then machines are on the ground fighting with aliens and rushing a thing to the endzone. Bomb gets set and put inna monster's belly and goes boom and then everything was great. Gas density is dispersing, they find the old machine but no pilots so they follow some tracks (which is possible despite the fact it's been snowing all night) and then Jingle Bells starts playing over the dam's radios because. Y'know. Also they left a note telling them where to find them. Also they somehow got the dam controls to work to make them notice what is up.

Meanwhile, they continue to look at that pregnancy test downriver because they have nothing better to do.

I mean seriously. 

They decide the coast is clear, take off their masks, and smile at one another as they drift down the river and meet up with a machine and are all 'yay we're not dead'. Then heartwarming music plays, people say Merry Christmas, and the episode ends.

Sweet f***ing christ. I really would rather watch Strike Witches than this garbage. I honestly would. And that mad me froth at the mouth over how bad it was.

But for all of it's failings, at least it's story, while cliche'd, made some sort of sense as opposed to feeling like a bunch of half-hearted bullshit attempts to string a story along.

F**k this show man. I'm glad I'm taking the rest of the week off from this garbage. Ugh!