Sailor Moon SuperS Episode 09 - Protect Mamoru! Jealousy of Usagi the Ninja

Y'know, I was going to write something incredibly witty and possibly poignant here, but then I started up the episode and saw this:

Oh christ.

So yeah. Whatever I was going to write? Doesn't hold a candle to that. And we have an entire episode of this shit to put up with.

Time to bust out the rose-colored glasses and bottles of haterade folks, because this one is already promising to be a real doozy.


Today's episode is something about some chick walking in on Mamoru naked and Usagi dressing up as a ninja and some... Kabuki... master... attacking people? Oh my f**k I cannot even right now. Roll the intro. Please. For the love of god roll it now.

The sheer amount of stupidity promised by the episode overview today is enough to make my brain melt. Who the f**k thought this was going to be a great idea? Just, just who? WHO?! I DEMAND NAMES. RESPONSIBILITY MUST BE HAD FOR THIS ATROCITY AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE.

Also right after the intro they jump immediately into the title slide. They're not even bothering to set up for the premise this time. They instinctively know that the premise is so goddamn stupid they can't even bother trying to defend it so they're just going to get it over with as quickly as possible. And hope nobody is watching.

We begin the episode with quadratic formulae. Super fun stuff.

It's like they knew they needed to bore people as much as possible
right off the bat!

Looks like Mamoru is giving Ami (and the other girls) some pointers on maths and stuff which makes Usagi super mad and jealous because Usagi.

Seriously, you know how this shit turns out in the future. WHY
IS THIS EVEN STILL A THING.

The other girls call her out for being a pointlessly needy bitch, she complains about wanting all of his attention, and everyone just collectively rolls their eyes. Which leads into Rei and Usagi getting into a big ol' tongue war.

And lo there was unto the world born in that moment a million
fanfics involving the girls making out suddenly, inspiring
one giant orgy that lasted for three days and four nights.

Of course then Mina comments on how it is kind of warm and then Mako is like 'dunno it's kind of smoky' and then Diana (who is, unfortunately, still a thing at this point) looks outside and goes "HOLY SHIT PORKCHOP SANDWICHES!"

PORKCHOP SANDWICHES!

Then everyone panics and nobody stops to think about how weird it is that nobody has heard a fire alarm go off yet and Rei grabs a fire extinguisher and proceeds to extinguish everything that is not on fire (read: the entire apartment).

I'm sure someone's made a joke about cocaine being a hell of a drug.

Now thoroughly nettled, Mamoru calmly explains that the smoke was from some fish being cooked downstairs and everyone is a moron who is too stupid to live and they no longer are allowed in his apartment because who wants to put up with this shit every single day? Not this guy, that's for sure.

Diana apologizes for basically being a really stupid kitten, Rei blames Usagi, and then the girls are like 'so what are you gonna do Mamoru?' And so help me if he doesn't kick them all out immediately I will have to question his judgment for the rest of the series.

He says he doesn't know, Rei offers to let him crash at her place so he can finish his report for college, and Usagi doesn't want to allow that. She'd much rather he stay at her place.

I don't know, how did she manage to explain you to them?
Oh wait, SHE DIDN'T. *drops the mic*

Then Diana claims that she will make everything okay because she will.... totally... guard Rei and Mamoru and make sure nothing... weird happens?

What in the actual f**k.

This sets Usagi off again, bawling like a child while her other friends are like 'oh for f**k's sake not this shit AGAIN I thought we resolved this TWO SEASONS AGO.'

Enter... the dark carnival.

F**k you I managed to resist making a Juggalo joke for EIGHT
EPISODES. THAT IS RESTRAINT.

As we slowly pan in on the flying circus (with neither monties nor pythons being present) we hear Baba Yaga yelling at them over and over about the same old shit. I swear they may even be recycling audio at this point, I dunno. But we transition into the interior where people are talking but they are so small we cannot see them talking and we cut away to the person being talked to because, quite frankly, the animation budget at this point has reached bottom of the crackerjack box prize levels of funding. So they stick with the still images and hope nobody notices.

Anyways, the trio is like "so uh, yeah about this whole Pegasus thing. We already have like super awesome powers and maybe if we just ignored him and focused on taking over the world we might have done that by now?" Except I thought the point wasn't to take over the world? I thought you were chasing something that escaped? I'm even more confused than I was before.

Oh and then Hawk's Eye asks a brilliant question.

A question that I feel was probably already asked once and
promptly forgotten entirely about.

But rather than actually provide an answer, Baba Yaga gets all indignant and shit and is like "doesn't matter get me a thing or else hop on that shit goodbye."

So they bow and immediately run off to the bar where we get even more stock footage. They talk about how shitty their boss is, and how dumb this whole Pegasus thing is and how that seems to matter more than anything else. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you came to this world FOR PEGASUS and NOT FOR TAKING OVER THE WORLD. Was this not the original premise? Did I miss something in the first few episodes? Because Pegasus was LITERALLY YOUR ENTIRE GOAL THIS WHOLE TIME.

Tiger's Eye decides to fancy himself a psychic though, and closes his eye while proclaiming his psychic-ness and picking a photo at random.

*sigh*

But just wait, it gets weirder.

Aren't you an alien? How do you even know what that MEANS?!

So cut to the shrine where Rei is talking to her grandpa an- wait.

I'm not going crazy, right? Something is out of place here.
What the hell is HE doing back suddenly?!

Anyways the grandpa is telling Mamoru he can stick around as long as he likes. For reasons.

*groans*

He goes on to talk about how he doesn't have anyone to take over the shrine for him and boy what a shame that is. It sure would be nice if she married a nice man who could take over etc etc okay you get where this is going now.

Usagi prepares to go and take her man back and away from this nutty place but Makoto is like 'NOPE' and so she is forced to watch as the grandpa continues to fawn over this guy who he clearly must have met at SOME point. Whatever.

Oh yeah and that other guy who is MAGICALLY BACK AGAIN or something is like "WELP, GUESS I AM LEAVING A SECOND TIME EVEN THOUGH I NEVER ACTUALLY CAME BACK BUT WHATEVER."

Seriously dude, YOU LEFT. Also, you're a bum. NOBODY CARES.

By the way they bring up the whole thing about how Rei and Mamoru were a thing once. OH GEE DID EVERYONE FORGET THAT? LOLOLOL. Way to go Ami, you have once again brought the show back down to teen drama levels that we haven't seen since season two. Thanks for that.

Ami tries to make up for this by saying that Rei is totes over the dude and is very open to finding a boyfriend and Yuichiro (WHO SERIOUSLY, WHEN DID HE F***ING COME BACK?!) is like "OHO IS THIS THE CASE? I MEAN. I'LL TAKE THE CASE!"

Or something like that.

He then runs into a tree and we skip straight to night where it is quiet and peaceful and there's a guitar and a piano and typing on a laptop while Diana watches the dude type because she is just the most adorable little thing in the world that you want to hug and to squeeze and to love until it's head pops off.

And we're about to see how well THAT works aren't we.

Turns out, you can't keep someone from leaving the room.

Maybe I'm just a prude, but I do not think I could bathe while
a cat stared at me. It just seems weird.

Time for the bath scene. Rei is off to go get herself a bath while dreaming of all the things she's going to be that don't involve shrine maidening and of course walks in on Mamoru bathing.

QUICK EVERYBODY COME LOOK AT THE AMAZING
DICK ON THIS GUY!

Then Rei slaps Yuichiro to the floor, calls him an idiot, asks him why he didn't tell her about the bathing order earlier and storms off. Meanwhile Mamoru is like "god damn everyone is gonna see my dick this episode aren't they?"

Rei makes it back to her room and it turns out her desk is possessed.

Usagi is also possessed by this is less of a surprise.

God damn it.

*groans*

It's going to get worse from here, isn't it.

Yeah. It is.

Wait for it...

Waaaaait for iiiiit....

There we are.

Rei at least admits that she did, in fact, see the everything and totally not on purpose, but this does little to appease the anger of Usagi, despite the fact that nothing was actually seen, according to Rei.

Oh no. Not his back. How horrible.

They fight about the thing and scream and stuff, and meanwhile a dude is throwing stuff in a fire for some other dude to bathe while lamenting that this dude used to date the girl he wants to chill with and then Mamoru has the gall to apologize for making dude stoke the fire and all that.

The gall.

Of course, he mentions it's getting a little too warm, and so Yuichiro just throws some more wood on the fire because that was his entire plan from the start.

We now transition back over into town where Chibiusa looks out of her window, and gets a glowing ball message from Pegasus, and asks him what the big deal with jealous bitches is.

So Pegasus, being knowledgable in all things, decides to tell her the secret of love.

So it makes you into a raging psycho. Gotcha.

Then Chibiusa is all 'man that's dumb if I were in love with someone I would totes believe in them' and he's like 'well that's one way of looking at it' then she blushes and falls off her bed. Commercial time!

After the break, we find it is the next day and Mamoru is still working on his report. Rei wakes up and opens the doors and finds the local rodent population has had a surprising growth spurt overnight.

It's the meatballs in her hair that make her look like a certain
trademarked mouse.

Anyways the girls continue to be loud and obnoxious and then Diana yells at them to shut up, and Usagi... ninjas out into the forest? Also Yuichiro is nowhere to be found and that annoys Rei.

Speaking of dude, he's all meditating and stuff so the old man yells at him and is like 'the hell is wrong with you boy get your ass to work'.

It immediately proceeds to get pretty weird.

Don't worry though. It does proceed to get even weirder.

Troll grandpa trolls super hard.

So I guess they're out to do some super awesome training. Which involves... trying to pick up chicks because you cannot have eyes for only one woman at his age.

It gets pretty bad.

And by bad I mean 'why haven't the police done anything yet?'

Enter Tiger's Eye who is like 'lulz' and shows up at the shrine where Rei is doing a thing. He's like 'fufufufu pure maiden' and talks aloud about how it would be a shame to straight up attack her so he'll just charm her first and do that thing he always does which usually fails because that's just how he rolls.

But then Rei stabs a bush with her broom and yells at Usagi while knocking the dude to the ground.

Then she retrieves her broom, and continues to ignore him in pursuit of Usagi instead. Which of course makes him mad so of course he decides to go right for the attack with a whip and a transformation. He does a thing to Rei and she yells and her mirror pops out, and it's time to see some dreams.

Meanwhile, Usagi continues to be, quite literally, out of her goddamned mind.

She's even making ninja sound effects to boot.

Chibiusa is like "okay seriously what the hell man" and Usagi climbs to the top, and somehow the tiny one gets to the top first...? They talk for a moment about love but then see Rei getting ravished and decide they probably ought to deal with that? So they transform because hey, there's like five minutes left so they really should wrap this whole thing up.

Pegasus isn't around though, and that makes Tiger's Eye angry and sad and decide to kill her, but then the heroines show up to declare villains are bad and heroes are good and it's time to kick some ass.

So it's time for a thing to show up.

Did they have interns working on this episode? Because
this character art just looks weird.

Anyways the monster shows up out of an old parasol.

Gee. I cannot wait to see how difficult this monster is to take
on what with there only being three minutes left.

Once she shows up he orders her to do some stuff so she floats around and gets water on the girls which makes them cry because water. Then Mamoru hears the girls but Diana is like "FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK" and he's like 'oh okay' but then MORE WATER OH NO.

Seriously. They are getting attacked by garden-hose like attacks. Then Mercury shows up for some reason along with the other girls who decide they ought to do things if they want a paycheck this week, and they manage to basically deal with the parasol, which makes the monster super mad.

IYOOOOOOOOOOH!

But now Chibi Moon does a prayer thing, and of course a horse shows up and does a thing so that Sailor Moon can do HER thing as the monster charges at her.

Then the baddie gets Final Smash'd, Tiger's Eye leaves, and Rei falls to the ground and is like 'aw crap'. Then they all went out for ice cream while Mamoru apologizes for not coming to help while Yuichiro continues babbling on like the idiot he is.

Thank god this is almost over.

Blah blah Rei plays the role of the Tsun and looks at some of the waiters and is like 'aww yeah' and he continues to apologize right into the credits.

And then the episode ended and I was very thankful because god this one was just f***ing horrendous.

Seriously, I've seen better Naruto filler than this. And I watched ALL OF FILLER HELL. ALL OF IT. That said, it's definitely not the worst that show had to offer... but this episode is damn near pushing it.

I think by now if I had any hope held out for this season turning out to be awesome, I should consider it completely dashed, because this is probably going to happen for the next four episodes as the other girls are targeted, in order, just like what happens EVERY OTHER SEASON.

God help me.