The Qwaser of Stigmata Episode 17 - Gospel of Flames

I've been doing a lot of things lately.

And I mean a lot of things.

Unfortunately, being only human, it means I am sometimes left exhausted after working 26 hours in two days. Or that I'm just exhausted in general. Or that sometimes I really do enjoy watching things that don't make me consider setting an orphanage on fire to spare the children from the horrifying possibility that they might someday watch one of these shows.

It's a fine line I walk, sometimes.

Today, I'm watching Qwaser again. Does that give the orphanage bit some context? Because I'm pretty sure watching this show can excuse someone from a lot of things.

When last we left off the show, we discovered that big-titty Tomo was actually the villain all along. Shock! Horror! Confusion as we also find out that the dude Sasha wanted to kill all along for being a pretty big asshole in general is sort of... not really vindicated at all since his plan to fix everything still involves murder and generally being a terrible person?

I mean come on, when your plan to save the world involves either killing or controlling the mind of a young girl, that's pretty inexcusably evil no matter how you look at it? I'm just saying.

What part of 'the person you knew was actually just a husk
of a completely psychotic evil bitch' did you MISS?!

Oh but let's crank up the weird factor since this person was actually a man before and is now fondling her own boobs.

Yeah that's not going to get confusing at all.

So yeah now the Gold Qwaser has the body of Tomo and has a gold seal to prove it and goes on about how awesome it will be to suck on her own tits and become all powerful.

Yes. You read that correctly.

It's that f***ed up.

And if you had any doubts? She just gets right to suckling on herself, because I guess having milk in your tits isn't the same as having it in your stomach.

Let me repeat that.

You have to drain the soma from your own body in order to use it. By having it enter. Your body. From your own body.

I'm going to let you process that logic, and just continue watching this train wreck of a show.

While we're at it, let's just roll that shitty intro.

Done now? Let's move on with some stuff that's happening because nobody feels like actually doing anything for some reason except watching things continue to escalate.

Yep. Just calmly let dude hand the crazy powerful dude
his weapon. Don't even try stopping him. That would make sense.

So now Not!Tomo has a gold gauntlet, and fondles herself some more with it because that's what gets her off now. Since this makes Mafuyu mad, she charges at her with a wooden stick, intent on beating her best friend into submission or something.

Oh but then Tomo speaks! Zomg what a twist.

Wait no this isn't a twist at all this is actually just very
predictable. Wait for it...

Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

So yes. You witnessed this correctly. Mafuyu runs up to hit her friend, hears her friend's voice, then grabs her hand and tries to run away with her friend, somehow forgetting in the last five seconds that her best friend is completely possessed by some dude.

Oh yeah and now she's tied up the girl with gold and is now fondling Mafuyu with her foot. Because that's what this show is all about! But first some exposition about how long it's been and how they knew people. Also some shit about plans or something.

Yep, shit still isn't making a lot of sense. Let's put the gold
user inside a giant thing made of gold! That'll work.

They talk and she attacks him or something and grazes his cheek because she has terrible aim or some shit, and he says some more shit.

Oh for god's sake enough with this shit nobody understands!

I finally took the time to Google what the f**k this thing they keep going on about. Theotokos basically means "Mary mother of God". So what about that other bit? Well Sari-su means, quite literally, "Yellow river".

So basically, my takeaway is this:

They've all been fighting over whoever can give the greatest golden shower in the world. Because to me a "Mother of god of the yellow river" can't really translate ANY OTHER WAY IN MY MIND.

F**k me there's a prophecy involved.

Oh but all of this was because they wanted to test Sasha to push him to become the... true... prophet? Or something?

Tsar Crowning? Really now?

Sasha has A DESTINY. To become a PERFECT SACRIFICE. Which they intend to make happen.

Speaking of Sasha, he just cut Theresa in half because that's how DARK AND EDGY he is.

Wait never mind all that blood wasn't hers after all.

Then Sasha calms down, Theresa cries or some shit, and falls over, and she's all "I was gonna let myself die so you could be stronger" and he's all "The f**k are you talking about?" and she's like "I AM YOUR MARIA."

At this point, the pretentiousness is off the f***ing charts. It's become so full of itself Donald Trump could take some pointers.

Theresa says some shit about how she really likes him or whatever, and really wants him to fulfill his destiny as a martyr, and then he just walks away.

Liz, let's face it. You're clearly in the wrong f***ing show.

That stupid dumb guy was like "hey Theresa, if you let me control your mind and shit and act like a complete dickbag, Sasha will kill you and Liz and become super powerful" and she was all "OKAY THAT SOUNDS GREAT!"

Now he's walking off to the church and everyone is all "oh shit here he comes" and blondie is like "hell yeah he killed those girls and is getting closer" and I'm just facepalming because WHY WOULD YOU THINK ANY OF THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE WITHOUT ANY CONFIRMATION? Nevermind ALL OF THIS IS JUST STUPID AT THIS POINT.

Oh and then the Qwaser lets Tomo come back out again.... for some reason? Who is like "oh hey why am I basically naked again I mean it's not like I don't just let my boobs hang out or whatever but what's going on?"

Dude, she's still possessed. I know you're dumb, but come on.

Cue Mafuyu trying to tell Tomo to set her free and she's like "uh what?" and then Sasha walks in with the fog rolling in around his feet because they want to remind you that HE IS SOME KIND OF BOSS OR SOME SHIT.

Ah but leave it to dumb guy to be all "oh you didn't kill those girls after all?" and Sasha... engages the 'phoenix' with philosophical bullshit.

How Not To Be Badass 101 with Sasha.

In fact, the dialogue has gotten to be so bad the translators have essentially said "F**k this, we're not even checking for spelling errors anymore and leaving it in because that's how much WE hate this show at this point".

Oh and I guess now Sasha and the old guy are gonna fight now or something because destiny or whatever. Cue the shitty flashbacks and the "time to kill you" bullshit. They fight... off screen. Then on-screen. Then they resort to speed lines and teleporting around and all the boring fight shortcuts you see in all the other shows because even the animators are giving up. But they're all "omg Sasha u so weak" and now everyone is SERIOUSLY DISAPPOINT OR SOMETHING. Oh and the blonde boss guy starts going on about his entire plan and how disappointed he is.

Oh, and remember that priest dude? Yeah he's praying somewhere or something instead of, y'know, BEING USEFUL OR WHATEVER.

I can't think of a single thing this asshole has done in this entire show.

But more boring fight cuts! More speed lines! More characters fight monologuing! You can't win Sasha because you're weak or whatever! Then Sasha gets knocked back by an explosion, jackass dude keeps going on about how friggin' weak Sasha is, and how he doesn't have the power of death or whatever, and all I can say is that NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HOW A HUMAN BEING ACTUALLY F***ING WORKS. NO ONE. THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT SOME ANGSTY FOURTEEN YEAR OLD WOULD WRITE.

Oh god. Now you're using THIS line too. F**k my life.

I'm really not sure where dude was going with this speech. Or how any of it has any real relevance on anything. In fact... I'm not even sure what the hell he's hoping to accomplish at this point? Whatever he blows up Sasha but we know that since Mafuyu screams his name dude is totally gonna survive or whatever because main character.

See, what'd I tell you.

By the way, for some reason he's picked up Mafuyu's wooden sword. Instead of... using steel?

Yeah. I don't get it either. I get the impression everyone working on this project just said "to hell with it." Oh and he's all "I HAVE TO PROTECT SHIT OR SOMETHING AND NOW I WILL BADASS OR WHATEVER THANKS TITS."

And then his blood becomes a... thing? Oh, it becomes a literal sword and he transforms or whatever and levels up.

They even give him particle effects for leveling up.

Again. I'm not sure what the dialogue folks were thinking. But I know the translators have truly stopped giving a f**k.

"Don't even bother proof-reading. Nobody is still watching this shit."

Now they're ready for FINAL FIGHT VERSION TWO WITH FULL POWER UPS OR SOMETHING. FIRE EVERYWHERE. GIANT PHOENIX THINGY. PEOPLE RUSHING AT ONE ANOTHER. EXCITING THINGS HAPPENING OFF SCREEN. Oh and Liz and Theresa show up just in time to see Sasha rip bro in half and explode the church.

So now everyone is all "man that was a cool fight only we got to see" and OH COME ON SERIOUSLY DUDE JUST DIE AND STOP WITH THE MONOLOGUES NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ANY MORE.

I know you're supposed to be a priest or some shit,
but so help me, you'd better f***ing cut this shit out.

Then Liz runs over and cries and shit and gets mad but dudebro is all "hey man dont' blame him, he just saved my life or whatever". But he's all "yeah I'm a sinner but hey Liz help that dude out and stuff because I'm actually not a diiiiiiiiick."

They have a touching thing where he's all "you're my Mariaaaarrrrrrgh" and finally f***ing dies." Which takes a bit for Liz to process.

So while all this is going on, what's happening elsewhere? Oh, the roof caves in and Sasha saves Lizzy from being crushed I guess, and the body gets buried and nobody seems to be giving a shit about the actual evil people in the room who supposedly orchestrated this whole thing?

"So, uh... we're just gonna keep sitting here and stuff?"

But then Tomo laughs and becomes possessed again and says dude was a lolicon, and laughs because her ultimate plan is now coming to fruition or something?

I'd just like to point out that breasts DO NOT WORK THIS WAY.

Liz realizes her master was manipulated, Sasha realizes Tomo is wearing the gauntlet that scarred him horribly and oh hey there's the real final boss or whatever and he has Mafuyu too. Oh hey, Tomo is sucking on Mafuyu's tits now! And fondling both of them because that's cool? Oh yeah also you should probably kill some other dudes. Time to use the egg for a thing.

.... I give up.

Then Evil Tomo bears her top, and some shit explodes as that goth loli shows up by feeding on her slave while her copper mother literally uses a f***ing rail cannon to bombard the place from range.

I. Am. Going. To. Kill. These. Assholes.

Remember way back when I said this show wanted so very desperately to be Index?

Yeah, well... this is actual proof.

So the egg goes flying and stuff, and then vanishes and so the villain is all "welp f**k this I'm just gonna murder everyone" and knocks Sasha back and is all "ha you're no match or whatever" but then Liz runs at her and chooses to free Mafuyu. Who... immediately grabs onto possessed Tomo and changes her back to normal. WITH MAGIC OR SOMETHING.

So then other due does a thing with a magic card, boobs stop touching and Tomo vanishes with that other dude.

Note that I specifically state "boobs stop touching" because their bare nipples were connected.

I'm sure they'll try to make this detail important later for some reason.

Lizzy has another moment where she looks at the rubble over that dude she really liked, and a slave girl moans in ecstasy, and a priest says some shit that even after translation still requires some translation.

Seriously dude just talk like a normal f***ing person.

EVERYTHING IS GREAT AND ANGELIC OR SOMETHING I DUNNO WHATEVER EPISODE IS OVER FINALLY.

F**k this show and the people who thought it was a great idea. Seriously. YOU ARE RUINING ALL OF THE THINGS I STILL LIKE.