Maken-Ki! Episode 03 - Welcome to Maken-Ki

I can't be sure, but I think my intermittent Internet outages may have finally been fixed. One can only hope this is the case. With that having finally been fixed, I can go back to ruining what tattered remains of my soul still linger, and what better show to continue this with than Maken f***ing Ki?

I never thought the day would come when a show would make me miss Strike Witches. But this one has.

I hate you so much right now Xebec for making this garbage.

They're not even pretending to be a 'modern' show at this point. Instead, they immediately roll the intro. I'm not entirely opposed to this, mind you, but it's kind of a strange move to make given how few shows actually begin with their intro at the start. I'm not gonna bitch though, it just means I can shut my brain off immediately for the ninety seconds that it rolls before I finally get into this bullshit show.

What I find most distressing is that I don't actively hate the intro song for some reason. It's... not actually that bad? It's just the intro is so god-f***ing-awful in general.

Oh well, it's over now, who cares? Here, watch some jiggling boobs we guess.

At least they seem to understand what a f***ing establishing shot
is. OH WAIT NO THEY DON'T.

So Boobs McKenzie is out jogging. Good for her. We flash back to last episode where dude asks WHAT THE F**K IS A KENKEIBU. Kind of like how I spent the last two episodes asking WHAT THE F**K IS A MAKEN (which I still don't have a legitimate answer for but I think I know the answer to at this point because of the last episode). Fortunately, they don't make us wait two episodes for this answer.

This sounds suspiciously a lot like 'cop kid team'.

Turns out his bestie just so happens to be the club president, oh and that one blonde bitch is also a member. GEE HOW AMAZINGLY CONVENIENT THAT TURNED OUT TO BE.

So now everyone living in the same apartment is now in the same club. She leans against a tree, thinks about some things, and then goes to get naked in front of a mirror because we are more than thirty seconds into this show and we have only some jiggling boobs to count as fanservice so we need to rectify this IMMEDIATELY OR WE WILL LOSE THE ATTENTION OF OUR AUDIENCE. QUICK, NAKED GIRLS.

In a surprising move, the nudity is mostly inferred. I mean, we know she is naked, but we don't actually see any of the naughty bits.

... am I still watching the same show? Did I step through a portal and into a universe where this show isn't a complete pandering mess to a horny teenaged-boy audience?

OH WAIT NEVERMIND THERE'S THE OBLIGATORY SHOWER SCENE. DAT BUTT ETC ETC. Going on the nudity counter that is. So she's showering, someone comes into a room or whatever. Dude wanders into the bathroom, brushes his teeth, and then gets mistaken for a girl.

Right, because he is either one of those people.

OH HEY. DID YOU WANT TO SEE HER BUTT AGAIN? WELL YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T, TOO BAD YOU ARE LYING SO HERE IS MORE BUTT. OH AND SOME SIDE-NIP TOO. BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU LIKE NAKED GIRLS. THAT IS NOW THREE COUNTS OF NUDITY.

Then she gets all pissy at him because he lives there too and she just waltzed right out of the goddamn shower without finding out who was on the other side and of course she's gonna punch him or whatever.

He gets hit in the head with a shampoo bottle, we see her cover her naughty bits, and now they're all off to class. WHAT IS THIS KENKEIBU THING? Oh sorry it's too early in the episode to tell you so of course she just doesn't want to talk about it BECAUSE THAT WOULD MOVE THE PLOT ALONG. But he's like 'dude seriously if I'm gonna join a club I want to know what the f**k it's about' and she's like 'oh well in that case let me just immediately change my mind and tell you everything you've been so reasonably asking me about.'

Don't ask where the TV came from. Or why it is magically powered.
Don't even bother asking why she is using a pointer on it.

I am noting a distressing lack of pantsu. However, they do give us some flashback pantsu, which totally counts. In fact... it's impressive how much they manage to achieve in a single screen.

No seriously. This is some next-level shit.

That's five pantsu in the same frame with only two characters.
That is truly impressive.

So basically, the staff are supposed to administer the whole battle thing, but students that are members of the Kenkeibu also help out with this. So they're less cops and more referees. Hokay. Of course, the 'club' hasn't seen a lot of activity due to being an all-girls school where everything is great all the time. But now that there are boys you can expect 'incidents' to begin occurring over which totally authorized bloodsport matches may occur at the drop of a hat.

She also reminds us that she's the club president. And her goal is PEACE IN THE SCHOOL.

And also yet another 5x combo for good measure. Jeebus.

I guess I spoke too soon. Am I supposed to be glad about them suddenly cramming as much pantsu into a single frame as possible?

Anyways explanation over so now we can mov-

Oh hey there other guy who spontaneously erupted from a bush.

Dude introduces himself as Kengo and literally reaches out for a boob-grab but our hero cannot allow this, so he rushes in and does the boob grab first.

Yeah. That's a thing I guess.

Oh and then this thing just shows up out of nowhere.

Her name is Minayo but I'll never remember that. So instead I'm calling her Mini.

Ah, but now they are getting into the advance pantie flashes, where they make them last for literal frames. They thought they'd get away, but I'm paying attention. I see what you did there. I'm keeping track. Grape introduces maindude as a childhood friend and Mini introduces herself.

.... oh god now I have to put up with this.

Oh good, this is happening. Yay.

Anyways Mini is a 'nice person'. Or so we are told. She crushes hands out of kindness surely. OH BUT COME QUICKLY BECAUSE STUFF. ALSO THAT OTHER GIRL IS SITTING IN A TREE NOT FLASHING HER VAG ALL OVER WHICH IS WEIRD BUT SHE IS ALSO TOTALLY PAYING ATTENTION.

Turns out some dude challenged a girl to a fight.

Yeah okay I don't see this ending poorly for him at all.

Still no major pantsu invasions, which is strange since we are nearly six minutes into the show (including the OP). Something weird is going on here. It's like the show wants us to take it seriously. But whatever she accepts the duel and says if she wins he has to leave her alone period so that's cool I guess. The others show up in the big crowd, and want to know what the deal is, and she says something about seniors needing to set examples for the juniors.

So who's that guy she's fighting?

He's probably supposed to be a big deal but I'm sure he'll be
knocked out in like two seconds.

The blonde twintail shows up and is like 'oh well this guy is kind of a tool but at least he's honest about his feelings and doesn't run around peeping and shit' which is pretty fair, honestly. Oh look, they manage to sneak in another double pantsu as the wind gently blows past. One is more hidden than the other, but they just love these low camera angles.

Time to set up the 'battle ritual'.

Which, for some reason, always begins by looking at some girl's
painted-on panties.

She chants some spell or whatever, blah blah MORE PANTIES. Then dude wants to know why chick isn't 'taking a stance'  and she's like 'lol whatever not even gonna magic' and he's like "SO F***ING HOT" and oh here we go it's time for the battle pantsu explosion. Oh and he's got a Maken which is impressive or whatever I guess and makes him think he's a big deal.

So the Maken aren't weapons? I'm so confused.

He then proceeds to shred her uniform with a single punch that doesn't even hit her. Also he's a robot.

Kind of weird for a robot but whatever.

The guys are all like "AW YISS TITTIES YEAH BEAT THAT GIRL DOWN" and she gets kind of mad, and demands the ref allow a change of the battle terms to cover the cost for replacing her uniform if she wins. And also underwear. Everyone's cool with this, so the battle continues.

Meanwhile, our main hero is wondering what the hell is wrong with everyone here, getting all excited about some dude trying to beat down a chick. It bothers the hell out of him, and he's wondering why nobody else is getting bent out of shape over this.

But the girls are like 'meh it's cool I mean she's strong and shit so whatever'.

We hear more fighting going on off-screen while that tsun blonde is like 'oh I see you just don't like girls fighting'.

Eventually we get back to the fight, and also back to some pantsu because isn't that what this show is supposed to be about? That's what I got from the opening at any rate. Dude is going to town on that girl, and our hero just doesn't really want any more of this, but the other girls all stop him from interfering in this fight.

This has seriously got to be giving him one of
the most confusing boners of his life.

They all have reasons for stopping him, but in this they are all agreed - he can't interfere.

Oh but then some glowy orb shit appears in his mouth and travels down his esophagus.

We wind up in his heart watching blood cells rush around and shit.

WHAT SHOW AM I WATCHING?!

He starts trying not to freak out or whatever, and we see that girl is sort of in trouble or something and may be about to get her lights knocked out. But then, somehow, our hero magical bullshits his way in between the two fighters.

Oh and his magical bullshit powers awaken.

He still gets knocked back, and the girl winds up on top of dude's head, and probably not in the way he was hoping for.

Counting this as pantsu because you can still see it.

Big dude spouts some shit, gets a knee in the teeth, and then falls over.

And once more, we somehow avoid the pantsu, which is a really strange move for them, because we see plenty of cheek, but no panties. So not adding to the counter this time.

Oh, turns out there was a reason for that.

I'm not even going to bother asking how this is even physically
possible.

So at some point between kicking him and leaping off his head, she removed her underwear and somehow never noticed.

Wow that is so stupid I feel drunk just thinking about it.

Girl won but she's not so happy, and then everyone leaves and breezy girl takes the time to ask bro what the f**k his deal is getting in the middle of her fight or whatever.

He gets told rules are rules and he can't go against the school rules because he doesn't feel like it, and also he doesn't have a Maken and shouldn't be fighting, but either way man that was kind of cool right?

Thanks for the vote of confidence cheery cherry.

He has to apologize, grape is like "MAN HE IS AWESOME NOW LIKE HE WAS WHEN WE WERE KIDS" and we see a flashback of her hiding behind him against some wild dogs or whatever. Then we snap back to reality and he's like "yeah so if girls are gonna fight we should have RULES."

Because y'know, fair fights are kind of the point of their little club? This makes her happy, they look at each other and wind blows and he's like OKAY IN THE CLUB NOW.

Then that blonde twintail is like "man what was that thing" and then we find out that black-haired doof is also joining the club because hot girls.

So they all enter the club room, and we hit our commercial break. The return slide...

*sighs* It counts.

Suddenly we are at a hot spring.

... wait what?!

I want to know how you went from walking into a club room
to WALKING INTO A HOT SPRING.

FLASHBACK TO THE NEW FOLKS GETTING WELCOMED. AND BEING INVITED TO THE HOT SPRINGS FOR AN 'EXCHANGE MEETING'.

Cut back to now.

*sigh*

The worst part about this is since it makes sense for the girls to be wearing things I can't coutn any of this as pantsu. Even if it is totally for pandering reasons.

Oh and then the boys get admonished for pitching tents in their trunks as if they really had any choice in the matter. But whatever, it's time for a meeting thing right? After hitting the boys with water buckets, they make the introductions, even though we already know who most of these characters are.

I'm calling this one Shyguy.

Literally, only two new characters get introduced. But whatever, now everyone knows who one another is. LET US INTRODUCE THE SCHOOL NURSE WHOSE NIPPLES ARE CLEARLY SHOWING GIVEN THAT SHE IS WEARING LIKE ONE STRIP OF CLOTH NO MORE THAN AN INCH WIDE.

Then Jupiter explodes presumably because some pants explode.

Anyways, turns out there are two different clubs meeting here, and they basically have the same sort of goals even if they aren't? I'm confused.

Though not nearly as confused as I am by how this teacher
EVER thought this would be 'appropriate'.

Then the olive-skinned girl whose name I already forgot throws a giant shuriken. Why? I don't f***ing know. The boys almost get hit, and then she goes to bathe under the waterfall.

Meanwhile, that teacher continues to be lewd as f**k. I don't have counters for this. Should I just add a lewdness counter? I'm not sure that actually solves the problem here.

Oh hey look at more butts and boobs and butts and boobs and people enjoying the spring. Also butts and boobs. And people talking. And that blonde twintail looking at grape-aid's boobs and getting super jealous of being a flatty. So she wanders over and pulls off that top exposing nipple (and triggering my nude counter), and removing the padding too, because that was super polite I guess.

Why is this important? F**k if I know.

zzzzzzzz

I'm sorry was there some kind of logical train of thought
going on here? No? Didn't think so.

Oh good. Now we get to see a girl groping another girl again. And the other girls just being like 'eh that's cool I guess'.

Wasn't there supposed to be a meeting? For that matter,
where are the guys at?

Shyguy asks to touch her teacher's boobs.

And her teacher is like 'yeah cool go for it'.

What. The f**k. AM I WATCHING.

A thought occurs to me. A terrible, outrageous, baffling thought.

IKKITOUSEN MADE MORE SENSE THAN THIS SHOW.

Then she wants to know what her teacher's cup size is.

Oh okay, I guess these two are still around.

More breast talk. The dudes get a serious nosebleed, and then a bear shows up.

An actual bear. Out of nowhere. Just because.

The boys point out the bear, and get told this is a 'moon bear'. They make some old folklore references, and then the president is like 'eh whatever let's just kick the shit out of it.'.

No big deal I guess. They do this all the time.

But then some girls are like "NO CAN'T FIGHT BEAR" and make a stupid teddy bear joke and so now they wonder what to do about this thing. They decide though that maybe they can just make it go away without hurting it, and the olive one starts ripping up the fence to throw.

Sure. Okay. Why not.

Then they're like "THAT'S MAKEN-KI" and mainbro is like "WHAT. THE F**K. IS A MAKEN-KI." Then the bear charges and knocks the dudes over and the girls are like "uh?" and kick the guys into the air for some reason because anime.

The teacher flies into the air, saves the guys, and that bear is running around some more. Oh look at that, it's chasing the guys for some reason.

Now Olive Oyl does her magic bullshit thing which is called 'compression drive' or whatever which I still don't understand how this works but who cares the board grows or something and turns into a ramp and then the bear gets knocked onto it and launched away into the mountain. Only it won't because Shyguy is on the case.

I am getting the distinct impression they are just making this
shit up as they go along.

Shyguy makes some words turn into an airbag which safes the bear from hitting a rock, and the guys are confused so the girls explain that Shyguy's ability lets her turn comic bullshit into real bullshit with her magic bullshit. Then the bear walks off.

They also try to explain that other thing but I stopped paying attention. I just want this show to be over already. BUT AT LEAST THEY EXPLAIN MAKEN-KI. It's a portmanteau of the two groups. Maken, for the Maken things WHICH ARE STILL UNEXPLAINED LARGELY, and KI is actually just the descriptor for both their clubs working together.

... that was actually not a bad explanation for once.

So now it's time to welcome the newcomers to Maken-Ki, a celebration ball opens, and they decide to go eat for the 'second part' of the meeting, end episode.

... I don't even know what show I am watching anymore.

... what am I doing with my life?

*edit*

This show was so horrible it made me forget I was keeping track.

Pantsu: 24 counts. A low number, seriously padded by multi-combos and flashbacks.

Nakidity: 4 counts, with some seriously risque additions that are damn near borderline.

You may go on with your day now.