Shimoneta Episode 05 - For Whom The Dirty Terrorism Benefits?

Once upon a time, there was a young man who had just discovered the wonders of anime. Of course, he had no idea what anime was - all he knew was that Sailor Moon looked kind of awesome, and it reminded him vaguely of some other cartoons his older brother watched many moons before.

But then, one day, he was introduced to the wonders that were Cowboy Bebop and Trigun. And from there, he discovered Gundam Wing, and it was basically downhill from there, you see. After this point, he would watch nearly anything and everything he could, because anime was great and fantastic and The Best Thing Evar.

It could do no wrong, you see.

I like to think that young man is rolling around in his grave at this point, because I can't see how any part of that young man may have survived the hell I've put him through. The hell I'm going to put him through.

F**k you Shimoneta. F**k you something fierce. I haven't even started watching this episode yet, and I already know I want it to die in a fire.

Such are the depths of my hatred for this show. Let us commence with the hell-raising. The pitchforks and torches are to your left.

We open up today's episode in the town, with that stupid suspended railway system overhead, and a girl talking to a guy and trying to apologize for trying to murder him for doing that thing she asked him to do.

What did you f***ing THINK was going to happen you goddamn
vapid bitch?!

He's all "I have no f***ing idea what you are on about" and the tiny artist girl, who is eating a banana for a reason I can only guess at, is like "she means the whole thing about almost f***ing Anna last night" and he's like "please that was just a dream that shit would never happen in reality ha ha ha."

By the way, I'm sure those fancy collars you all wear didn't
pick up a damn bit of that bullshit last night. Or the fancy GPS
tracking devices clearly embedded in them.

Don't worry though, tiny girl has you covered with all the proof you'd ever need.

Also, someone really needs to tell the artists how bananas work
because you cannot hold a good banana with your mouth.

OH HEY FLASHBACKS FROM LAST NIGHT. OH HEY DUDE FREAKING OUT IN PUBLIC. OH HEY, HERE'S THAT STUPID OPENING WE HAVE ALL COME TO LOVE SO MUCH.

AS YOU CAN TELL, I AM SUPER DUPER F***ING ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THIS SHIT. WHY DID I DECIDE TO DO THIS AGAIN!? NO SERIOUSLY. WHY DID I EVER DO THIS. THE SHOW IS LONG PAST ANY REDEMPTION. YET I AM CONTINUING TO WATCH THIS ANYWAYS.

OH HEY THEY'VE ADDED STUFF FROM THIS EPISODE AGAIN I THINK. FOOTAGE IN THE INTRO I AM UNFAMILIAR WITH. WE ARE GONNA HAVE SOME GIFABLE SHIT FOR SURE.

WAIT WHAT IS THAT SHOW? YOU ARE GIVING US A WARNING RIGHT AFTER THE INTRO?

OH GREAT. BOY OH BOY. I JUST CANNOT WAIT.

SUPER. SHOCKING.

Then Anna gets up to make some tea for the others while those other two talk amongst themselves and she's like "EAT MY COOKIES OR ELSE". Then dude bites into the cookies and is like 'uhhhh this tastes...'

I forgot. Oh god. I FORGOT.

I saw this on the Internet somewhere.

And somehow. It just. It didn't. It didn't click. I forgot it for good reason, I think. A very, very good reason.

A very.

VERY.

VERY GOOD REASON.

I can't believe I forgot this. I can't believe I didn't realize,
this was the show. THIS WAS THE SHOW.

THIS. WAS. THE. F***ING. SHOW.

I HAVE BEEN ASKING THIS FOR THE LAST FOUR EPISODES.

OH THAT'S YOUR F***ING PRIMARY CONCERN HERE?!
NOT THE HEALTH HAZARDS OR THE FACT THAT YOUR
"FRIEND" JUST GAVE A DUDE SOME OF HER BODILY
FLUIDS IN A BAKED GOOD!?!?!?!?!?!

I THINK. PERHAPS. MAYBE JUST A LITTLE. POSSIBLY. THAT YOUR PRIORITIES HERE. THEY MAY BE FLAWED. SKEWED IN SOME MANNER. WHICH IS, SORT OF, NOT NECESSARILY WHAT THEY SHOULD BE. WHICH IS TO SAY. THERE MAY BE A CHANCE. JUST A SMALL ONE, MIND. BUT A CHANCE YOU MAY BE FOCUSING ON ENTIRELY THE WRONG F***ING ISSUE HERE.

But that's just me.

OH HEY. LOOK AT THE GIRL IGNORING ALL THE THINGS.
HA HA HA BOY ISN'T THIS JUST FUNNY.

I'm starting to think that the people working on this show knew what was going on. I mean, they had to. There's no way they couldn't have known. I fear for the poor bastards that had to make this shit. Because this is the kind of thing that drives a man to suicide.

"Oh hey honey, welcome home. Did you have a good day at work? What's wrong, oh god something happened at work today didn't it? Did you get fired?"

"Worse. I was forced to animate a sequence where a girl tells a guy who is being stalked by some crazy bitch who put her bodily fluids into some cookies to shut the f**k up and put up with it because that's actually a pretty sweet deal he's got going there."

"Oh god, I am so, so sorry. Oh god. I'll get the bourbon. Oh Jesus, you have how many months left on this project?"

And those are just the animators. I can't even imagine how the voice actors had to feel just SAYING that shit. Or the audio guys. Oh god the poor audio guys.

You can see the artist's will to live slipping through his grasp
like grains of sand. Just look at that.

.... OH SO THAT'S YOUR F***ING ISSUE THEN.

WELP.

JUST. WELP.

I THINK WE ARE DONE HERE FOLKS.

YEP.

DONE HERE.

... WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M GOING TO KEEP GOING? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT F***ING MIND WOULD CONTINUE TO-

SERIOUSLY. THE SHOW HAS COMPLETELY GIVEN UP.
WHY HAVE I NOT?!

AGAIN. YOU LOST YOUR ENTIRE AUDIENCE THIRTY
SECONDS AGO. AND I THINK YOU KNOW IT BY NOW.

I AM STARTING TO THINK. MAYBE. MAYBE THE ENTIRE
REST OF THE BLOG WILL JUST BE THIS.

ENDLESS SCREENCAPS AFTER ENDLESS SCREENCAPS.

YEP. DEM SUPERIOR MORALS ALRIGHT.

AND THEN ANNA WAS LIKE "YO DUDE IF YOU WANNA BONE ME LIKE LET'S JUST GET IT ON AND STUFF I MEAN HOT DAMN NO NEED TO HOLD BACK AND STUFF. OH YEAH ALSO SORRY ABOUT THAT CRAZY SHIT FRIEND I MEAN I JUST GET ALL HOT AND BOTHERED AND THEN SUDDENLY WANT TO STAB ANY PAIR OF TITS STANDING TOO CLOSE TO MY MAN I MEAN HA HA HA YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I WAS TOTALLY GONNA SIT ON THAT SHIT LAST NIGHT BUT THEN SOME BITCH GOT IN MY WAY AND MAN YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS DON'T YOU OH WAIT THAT BITCH WAS YOU HA HA HA WELL SEE YOU ASSHOLES LATER I AM GONNA GO FINGER MYSELF TO DEATH NOW."

And I bet you thought I was exaggerating.

She throws the scissors - yeah, SCISSORS - into the air, and they just happen to land right in front of our dear boy's nutsack.

CUT TO THE EVIL BUILDING WHERE ANNA LIVES.

ANNA. DID YOU SOMEHOW FORGET. THAT I HAVE
A GPS AND AUDIO BUG AROUND YOUR NECK?

YEP. THAT IS TOTALLY GONNA FLY BY YOUR MOM.

I'm sorry, did you... did you just advocate taking away free will?

In this case, what is 'right' happens to be detonating a thermonuclear
device. In your mouth. I RAN OUT OF WIT.

GONNA BE KINDA HARD SINCE NONE OF THEM KNOW
HOW THE SEX WORKS. OR SINCE NONE OF THEM WILL
BE ABLE TO MAKE THEIR OWN BABIES.

SERIOUSLY. HAS F***ING A SINGLE GOD DAMNED PERSON THOUGHT ANY OF THIS F***ING SHIT THROUGH?!?!?! A SINGLE ONE?!

OH LOOK. DUDEBRO IS LOOKING AT A TADPOLE AND THINKING TO HIMSELF, HOLY F***ING SHIT WHAT HAS MY LIFE BECOME. I AM SURROUNDED BY INSANE PEOPLE. WHY DID I EVER THINK MOVING HERE WAS A GREAT IDEA AGAIN?

While this is in fact true, THIS IS CLEARLY NOT THE
F***ING PROBLEM HE IS CONFRONTING RIGHT NOW.

Sorry, did you think they weren't going to go somewhere with this? Because you're wrong, you know. They totally were going somewhere with this.

I didn't say it was anywhere good mind you.

I don't know if any human being would have the energy to continue. But this show? It doesn't care. It is unrelenting. Unforgiving. Unfeeling. It has come here for one purpose, and one purpose only. And it doesn't give a single god damn whit what you think about it.

This. This Show. I just. I don't think my heart can take much more.

Well, looks like it's time for our boy to go around hiding shit in plain sight. OH HEY ANNA I DIDN'T SEE YOU STANDING RIGHT BEHIND ME.

There is no words to describe the shrill sound of terror that just erupted from me.

He really should call out rape or something. SEEMS KIND OF
WEIRD THAT THIS SOCIETY DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE
ANY RULES AGAINST THIS KIND OF SHIT.

ARE YOU VOMITING YET? NO? WELL YOU SHOULD BE.
VOMITING IS TOTALLY THE CORRECT REACTION HERE.

How does he get out of this? He straight up slips under her skirt (which causes her to shriek in surprise) and rushes out saying "SORRY CRAZY BITCH BUT I GOT SHIT TO DO."

Oh for the love of.

It is now THE NEXT DAY. And Anna is, uh, FREAKING THE F**K OUT.

She really isn't even being subtle. That organization tasked to
'protecting purity' or whatever bullshit? THEY ARE USELESS.

I am starting to think teachers just don't exist in this show now.

After covering his groin, she begins to get even more excited and attacks his penis with metal tongs in the hopes of 'extracting' his 'love nectar'.

Oh, and we're barely eight minutes in by this point. THIS ISN'T EVEN THE HALFWAY POINT FOLKS. THIS ISN'T EVEN.

LOOK IT IS NOW THE NEXT NEXT DAY. CRAZY GIRL IS STILL CRAZY.

And also for some reason toting around a portable vacuum cleaner.
Or a leaf blower. I dunno which.

AND ALSO THE NEXT NEXT NEXT DAY.

This. Shit. Just. Does. NOT. END!

He gives her the slip and drops his bag in the process, then gets chased out of the chemistry lab. But remember who basically lives here? And desires to know what this 'love nectar' Anna keeps going on about like a box of crazed, starving weasels?

Oh hi there lapgirl.

She sees the map and stuff and dude is on the roof all like "SERIOUSLY I CAN'T DO ANYTHING" and his partner is like "yeah this kinda sucks". Also, a bunch of dudes in coats showed up, but not because Anna is a f***ing psychopathic maniac. But rather, because her mom is.

They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!

Those guys are basically turning the entire school upside down for 'contraband' and arresting students for, y'know. Whatever the f**k they feel like? UNLESS OF COURSE THAT INVOLVES ATTEMPTING TO RAPE A DUDE. THAT IS I GUESS KIND OF OKAY. ALSO THE STALKING AND SUCH.

But oh no woe is them however will they get the students to go into the Deep Black Forest?

Meanwhile the guy in charge of the school catches wind of the plot and Anna's mom is like "YEAH THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS I GUESS THAT'S WHY WE NEED THESE CHASTITY BELTS WHICH MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM BUT HEY WHEN YOU GOTTA STOP ALL THE BANGING IT ONLY MAKES SENSE."

Yeah because that's a thing they probably really give a shit about.

Oh hey how convenient a newscast thing about this public 'signing' that totally isn't forcefully staged or whatever. Also Anna's Mom is like "PYOHOHOHOHO I AM SO BRILLIANT" and watches that shit with great interest. Lines are showing up and students are like 'gonna sign a thing' and she tells ehr driver to hurry the f**k up. Also, some terrorists are watching this shit and wondering how they're gonna do a thing. But then what's her butt is like "WELP GOTTA GET TO THE FOREST AND STEAL SOME PORN." Then they both run the entire way there gasping for breath and yelling, and they get there and she says some shit about how no matter what he does he'll always be accepted or some shit, but she on the other hand? I dunno.

BUT OFF TO THE FOREST. Where a bunch of dudes in white coats are hanging around, and they're like "well shit, what do?" But Tsungirl is all "WE R TURRISTS GOTTA TELL DEM DIRTY JOEKS" by which she means say dick and balls a lot. Also she tells him to stay back and let her do the thing alone because y'know. But he is now CONFLICTED because he can't just let her run off by herself because that wou-

I somehow doubt that you even know what that means.

They yell and then suddenly THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY ERUPTS AND IS LOOKING AT PORNY DRAWINGS AND ARE LIKE "HOLY SHIT PORN IS GREAT WE GOTTA HAVE SOME."

It's sad that this is an actual question that they have to legitimately
ask because they actually don't f***ing know.

Oh and lapgirl is riding in a wheelbarrow just because.

Oh, hey, looks like NOT A SINGLE F***ING PERSON SHOWED UP TO SIGN THAT BILL. WHOOPS. GEE DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING AT ALL.

The parents all seemed to think their kids were off to the signing, and then it occurs to Anna's mother. Where the entire student population has suddenly gone off to.

BOY, YOU SURE DIDN'T THINK THIS ONE THROUGH VERY WELL NOW DID YOU.

I really wish I could show you a gif of this. It is truly a majestic thing.

Let me be perfectly frank with you.

This show is so f***ing terrible, IT BROKE MY GIF-EXTRACTION TOOL. As in I CAN NO LONGER GET IT TO WORK.

I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation. It has literally broken it. For whatever reason, it just isn't letting me extract gifs. I like to think it's because the tool knows. After that last one, it has said "BRO, ENOUGH IS F***ING ENOUGH."

I'm starting to agree with it, frankly.

Meanwhile back at the school Anna's mom is super mad nobody showed up to her big thing on national TV. Except her daughter who is like "MOM LET ME GET TO THE FOREST".

Speaking of, lapgirl has PLANS. She tells the girls to... do a thing they discussed. What is this thing, you ask?

Oh, just your typical backstabbing bitch girl stuff.

The girls pretend to be all on the boy's side and lean up close to all the dudes in the crowd who go running off to chase the boys while the girls are like "WELP TIME TO WEAR OUR PANTIES ON OUR HEADS NOW."

The worst part? This show still isn't over yet.

Oh and our other team is still around and somehow managed to change their outfits.

But more importantly, this tree is giving a big middle finger
to the laws of physics.

Also more terrible jokes.

But they should have enough time to steal all the porn and stuff before that happens. Also she's not a GOOD PERSON. Or so she says. NO F***ING SHIT. But she's like "look dude, I am just how I am and I can't help that shit but you are a dude who keeps denying who you are and basically jumps through hoops to do what other people do but really you should just do your own thing".

The analogy actually makes sense but is really out of left field. She's about to say once this shit is over she'll ask him to join the group for real and stuff but SUDDENLY ANNA.

VERY SUDDENLY.

And suddenly the show turned into Naruto.

"Noooo physics whyyyyyyy"

The shit is seriously straight out of Naruto with the running and the jumping and the straight up flying through the air bullshit. But none of that matters, because Anna has only one goal here. To capture Blue Snow. Y'know. For that dude she keeps trying to bad touch against his will.

At this point, we've passed the event horizon. We are now
firmly on the other side of the singularity.

All those other students see this shit going down, and take notice of how f***ing insane Anna has become.

Who continues to chase those two, but girl is like "dude go do some other stuff I mean I kinda got you into this shit and I'm sorta sorry but it's cool for you to bail now like seriously please go now."

I haven't slept in 30 hours now, and I get the horrible feeling
I may not sleep for another 20 because of this.

Girl then throws dude off the cliff as the girls get into a scrap. Oh but hey, look where our hero wound up.

BOY THAT SURE WAS F***ING SUBTLE WASN'T IT?

Turns out he found the secret shrine. He looks at some of the stuff and is like "holy shit people are f***ed up" and then he hears Anna trying to murder her best friend out there and decides maybe he should do something about this despite the fact that, y'know, she's been kind of a complete bitch the entire time.

Of course, that said, Anna has gone completely insane. Oh but what's this?

A MYSTERIOUS BRIEFCASE YOU SAY?

WHATEVER COULD BE IN HERE?!

WHO KNOWS. BUT HEY. DUDE STRIPS DOWN FOR SOME REASON. SO YOU KNOW. THAT THIS. THIS IS GONNA BE THE OPPOSITE OF GOOD. IT'S GOING TO BE AWFUL. TERRIBLY AWFUL. I MEAN SERIOUSLY. THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE PLACE THIS SHOW CAN GO AND THAT'S BECAUSE WE SAW THIS SHIT IN THE OPENING SEQUENCES.

Oh yeah, and Anna is still trying to straight up choke a bitch to death. But not before unmasking her, but THEN.

THEN.

THEN.

HE SHOWS UP WEARING THIS.

Also he announces himself as the 'co-founder' of SOX and just as Anna is about to Do Things, something.... happens.

This sequence is best described as Gurren Lagann doing coke
with Star Driver who invited Lucky Star over to get shitfaced drunk,
and then puked in the toilet and used that as the background.

Anna gets all confused and stuff, and falls to the ground all confused, but also aroused, but then confused because dude looks like that dude she likes so much.

Yeah. This just happened.

She then, and I shit you not, f***ing has a straight up orgasm on the f***ing spot.

I am literally not even joking about this shit.

Anna freaks out some more, then jumps off a cliff and.... flies off into the forest.

... I mean that. That is legitimately what happens. She jumps off a cliff. And flies off into the forest. With a rainbow trailing behind her.

Oh and lapgirl shows up again. Because she can.

She just wanted to make sure that the materials were recovered, and is all 'welp, we best get out of here before those dudes show up, also I got a lot of bugs that are f***ing' and then people say some things to other people.

Yep. I got nothing left. This is literally the end for me.

He yells at her, then narrates what a sudden success their plans were, and then they had a party over pron while that one girl keeps drawing during the erotica party.

Also, this is still not the end because other people actually did sign a thing. Oh and all those kids who were arrested were forced to sign legal documents against their will or something? What freedom?

OH HEY TIME FOR SOME TERRORISTS TO CRASH A TV CONFERENCE WITH ANNA'S MOM.

By having her hold up some pornographic material and not realize it until it is far too late.

And of course everyone is watching, and boners were had all across the nation.

Gee, it's almost like your police force is useless to stop
actual crimes or something.

OH HEY LOOK THE BROADCAST GOT CUT. SUCCESS. Also, they burned a bunch of those things but ha ha Anna's mom got in trouble and they burned a bunch of signatures and went on to become great terrorists who were always running from the law.

That was a lie. They're actually terrible terrorists, but everyone
around them is so goddamned incompetent it's actually embarrassing.

More shitty puns, more terrible euphemisms, and oh look at what you've become dude.

Please. Please god. Just please. Make it stop. I beg of you.

They run off into the night, and he's like 'SO YEAH I DIDN'T WANNA TERRORIST BUT NOW I DO AND I AM DOING IT BECAUSE I ACTUALLY REALLY DO LIKE IT.'

And now he is totally a legit terrorist because he likes running around wearing garters.

Oh, did you think this was the end though? OH HELL NO. YOU ROLL THOSE CREDITS. AND YOU ROLL THEM FAST SON. BECAUSE THEY HAVE POST-CREDITS BULLSHIT TO FORCE YOU TO SIT THROUGH. WE ARE NOT DONE HERE YET.

See, they have to FORESHADOW SOME SHIT. He's all like "so yeah those books we stole, I didn't know it at the time but uh, man, that was a really bad thing that came because of it."

AND THAT IS THE END OF THIS GODFORSAKEN EPISODE.

Let this stand for the record.

Shimoneta is so bad, it broke my f***ing gif extraction tool. And it was so bad, it almost actually broke the blog itself. Because those last couple of images nearly didn't upload.

Let that sink into your brains. THIS IS HOW F***ING HORRIBLE THIS SHOW IS. THIS BLOG ITSELF IS BEGINNING TO REBEL. IT IS STRAIGHT UP GOING "NOPE, F**K THIS. WE ARE DONE. WE ARE OUT. WE WANT NO MORE PART IN THIS."

And y'know what?

We're gonna keep going anyways.

BECAUSE I MUST HAVE ALL THE NIGHTMARES.

ALL OF THEM.

I REALLY NEED TO CONSIDER GETTING A THERAPIST BEFORE THIS IS ALL DONE BECAUSE OH GOD. I THINK I AM BEYOND THE BROKEN POINT NOW. I NEED A HUG.

F**K THIS SHOW.