Shimoneta Episode 02 - The Mysteries of Pregnancy

So, I was trolling through the stats again, as I usually do. And of course, what happens to be the most popular post in the last week? Shimoneta.

I hate you people. But not nearly as much as I hate this show. It's not that I don't get the concept behind it. I do. It's sort of like the whole censorship thing, which I absolutely despise (yes har har funny coming from a guy who censors out f**k every time he uses it lolololol) but it takes on an air of just complete, unadulterated childish puerility with its concepts.

And yes, Google has just affirmed the puerility is, in fact, a word. So f**k you.

I'm in a foul mood. Let's make it worse.

It's daytime in the city. Today's plot picks up immediately after their little stunt at the school. And they pick it up in the classiest way possible. With a terrible f***ing pun.

Amazing. Only ten seconds in and already I feel my will to live
receding like the tide.

Dudeguy is like 'grrr' and giving her the death stare, and she's like 'dafuq brah that shit was cash money what's your deal'.

That's two in less than thirty seconds. We might as well
start calling this shit Euphemism: The Animated series.

Oh and here have some giant fly face that looks exactly like a vagina but is totally safe because it's the face of a fly boy are you guys f***ed up.

No. I'm not showing you that shit. What the f**k kind of blog do you think this is? Get your titillation elsewhere you sick f**k. You're on the Internet anyways, the hell are you coming to my corner looking for some poorly hand-rendered snatch smut anyways?

Not sure if getting an ulcer, or this just hurts that much to watch.

I don't know how much more of this show I can take already.

Yep. This is what hell must be like. Hell is watching this show.

Oh and for some reason she asked him to draw a pussy but instead he drew that weird f***ing circle thing. I'm not sure what it's supposed to be, I'm not sure I want to know what it's supposed to be. I'm not sure I even particularly care what it's supposed to be. But I am pretty damn sure they are gonna tell us anyways.

Also she accuses him of getting so hot under the collar that he couldn't even finish. Boy this show really does use only the classiest of double entrendres. It's right up there with Warren G Harding for sure.

... and if you don't get that joke, boy do you have a lot of Googling to do.

She's like the living embodiment of /b/. DICK DICK POOP
BUTT LOLOLOLOL.

He doesn't like what they're doi-

... this is the only reason anyone will ever watch this show, isn't it?

He says no, cut to a guy smashing a computer monitor that happens to have a  porn game displayed on it... completely missing the point entirely.

... also the city streets are rife with dudes beating ladies and burning porn mags because reasons. Also, using C4 to destroy anime figurines that are 'lewd' because reasons. Oh no you poor sad anime people, seeing all the things you love destroyed without having any concept whatsoever of how these things came to be in the first place or how they even exist. It's like the team behind this either had absolutely no f***ing clue, or they intentionally wanted to just piss off the weebs by showing this senseless destruction for no actual reason.

I know, there's some crazy shit out there in the world. Putin destroyed truckloads of cheese lately. Why? Because they were important maybe sure but the real reason is because he's mother-f***ing Vladmir Putin and don't you f***ing forget it. Oh and also a truck and a pool explodes for some reason I guess because THEY ARE TOTALLY IMMORAL OR SOMETHING I MEAN F**K YOU WATER HOW DARE YOU MAKE US THINK IMPURE THINGS.

You keep saying these things, but I have a hard time not only
believing you, but more importantly taking you seriously.

Blah blah in this world there are those who would oppose it etc etc nobody gave a shit.

Absolutely nobody.

Cue intro. It has lots of porn mags flying around and people wearing a sheet and a garter belt respectively.

... I am hallucinating. Yep. That's it. That's what's happening.
I am tripping on some serious acid or something.

This isn't real. This can't be real. This anime cannot exist.

This is all one very, very bad trip. I'll come back down eventually.

Opening story is, dude wakes up with morning wood, makes it to his door, sees that girl who roped him into this shit without his pants who smacks him for, I dunno, flashing his donger around? I thought she liked those things I mean SHE RAN AROUND THE SCHOOL SAYING DICK DICK DICK I MEAN COME ON WHY ARE YOU EVEN MAD AT THIS CHRIST.

... yep. This isn't real. It's not happening. It just can't be.

Oh and then girl goes around comparing carrots, hot dogs, and daikon radishes to penises, and then jacking off random objects. Like bars. Or pens. Or whatever. Also there is that pure as snow girl who hits corners of tables and a bunch of shit happens and people get naked or whatever and the narrator tells us what the point of this f***ing show is. Which is people being naked or something?

Also vibrators happen at some point. And people us-

Insert words here.

I... I... I...

I can't even...

W-what.



... what.

No, really. What?

I believe the only word to describe how I feel at the end of the opening is 'dumbfounded'. That's... yeah, I think that about covers it. Dumbfounded. How can something like this exist? I mean, I know that by the rules of the Internet such a thing has to exist, but... this isn't a fan-made bullshit thing for laughs. Somebody paid money for this shit. A LOT OF SOMEBODIES PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS.

I have to be better than this show though. I must continue. I MUST DEFEAT THIS MONSTROSITY. So with renewed fortitude, I press on.

Establishing shot, good. Film techniques, strong. Title slide,
a thing I have many, many issues with.

I know I said I'd press on, but I'd just like to point out my primary issue with this entire show's premise.

If you happen to have an entire populace that has no idea how it is supposed to propagate, you have a really big f***ing problem. And that's what this show is trying to tell us. That somehow, people are getting born that have absolutely no concept of how they are supposed to reproduce and that it is a terrible thing.

Oh and it's against the law to tell anyone about basic human bodily functions.

Yeah.

Anyways the council is meeting and Anna is like 'boo hoo what do'.

I would say this is gonna need some explaining, but frankly
after that intro, I'm not sure I care enough to learn at this point.

Also that thing is meant to be something else and also a bunch of files were stolen or whatever. Also some dirty stuff the new guy must know things since his dad was a dirty, dirty terrorist.

No seriously his dad was a smut terrorist, that's the story they're going with.

Oh and we find out the reason big dude was on the train was to monitor new dude and wound up getting 'saved' by this 'untrustworthy' dude and now he's all uncomfortable and shit because I dunno maybe he just wants to furiously masturbate and it's totally against the f***ing law.

Then things get quiet, he's all 'yeah my dad was a smut terrorist', and we get treated to... some truly bizarre shit.

... f**k you for asking me to watch this.

So after slapping their balls with towels for some bizarre reason I literally cannot fathom, he shoves his son's face down into his junk and...

WHOA. NO. OKAY. NO. NO NO NO NO.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
A BILLION TIMES NO.

You cannot hear the sounds of my wailing.
But you can imagine it.

MY FATHER WAS A TERRIBLE MAN WHO LEGITIMATELY
DESERVED TO BE IMPRISONED AND I WILL THANK YOU
TO NOT MAKE ME REMEMBER HIM SHOVING HIS JUNK
INTO MY FACE. YOU F***ING DINGLEHOPPERS.

When he was a kid, he thought dirty jokes were awesome. Then he grew up. Also, his dad went on a very public, incredibly violent assaulting spree, wherein he clearly shows how f***ing off his rocker the dude was. His platform is, and I quote, "free the dicks, free the pussy, free the assholes!"

"Oh and f**k those guys and their faces because they
didn't want to see my dick."

Oh and then he throws up a bunch of pixelated cards in the air which I guess are maybe condoms or pictures of pussies or goatse for all I know, whatever. Then it's snowing, sad music plays, and it's Christmas and little kid is by himself because everyone shunned him because his dad was clearly not right in the head.

Oh, and he had a mom too I guess but she's not important because she never shows up and is only mentioned in passing as having taken him to a daycare where he met Anna who was the only girl that didn't treat him like a leper because his dad was incredibly f***ing unstable.

She handed him a ball or whatever, and she's like "wow I don't remember that" and he's like "YEP OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T REMEMBER ME" and he made a promise to be just like her someday.

Cut to him sitting on the rooftop with a terrorist telling him what a naughty thing he's been.

Oh and since they're now in tight on the council and all that it's time for phase two of whatever their dastardly plot to erode the moral fabric of society is. As if it wasn't going to just fall apart on its own anyways.

He once again tries to get out and girl is like 'oh hi there Decency Squad I know some things' and while I'm sure she's fake calling he gets the point because if she wasn't fake calling someone would definitely have to think something was up and go knocking on her door anyways. Come to think of it, with the shit that happened with mainbro whose name I've already forgotten and could care less about, wouldn't she be under just as much scrutiny and ostracizing as he was? I mean his dad was just some dude, her dad was a f***ing politician.

But phase two is porny mags, and she hands him a map, tells him to go find the hidden magazin, and distribute it to the student body.

So off he goes to some place in the middle of bumf**k nowhere.

And I do mean bumf**k.

OH HEY LOOK AT HOW AMAZING JAPAN HAS BECOME NOW THAT IT HAS SHED ITS CHILDISH BEHAVIOR AND FOCUSES ON SHOPPING AND CHILDREN AND JEWELRY. NEVERMIND THAT ONE OF THOSE THINGS TOTALLY REQUIRES KNOWLEDGE THAT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN IN THIS SOCIETY. JUST IGNORE IT AND MOVE ALONG BECAUSE JAPAN NUMBER ONE.

Also nobody uses print as a medium anymore because it is dead.

I am currently destroying my desk with my face.

Also all the books were burned because people screamed THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

Oh and sometime right after that everyone was forced to wear these dumb bracelets just because somebody said so and they were all like 'okay sure yeah that sounds great I'm sure this won't restrict any of our freedoms whatsoever I am totally okay with this'.

Curse the government's sudden yet inevitable betrayal!

And then at some point they 'destroyed' all 'unhealthy media'. Because saying a thing makes it possible I guess.

Wait no f**k the magazines is that a goddamned DREAMCAST?!

That's totally a f***ing DREAMCAST. Also with some
stupid UMD-format cards.

He looks around though, and finds a box under the bed. Which contains some books full of the smut. Which he takes a look through and goes straight to boner city. Then packs it in his bag, goes 'totally still on course for pegging Anna in the butt I mean TOTALLY GONNA BE A PURE LADY LIKE HER SOME DAY YEP NOPE NO AWKWARD STIFFIES HERE" and walks off.

Pretty sure that time limit isn't even being adhered to.

So they get right to their plan of taking these photocopies and slipping them all around the school which totally doesn't have any cameras at all, and won't see them putting said images in places where students will totally see them.

I kind of like this painting. Shame it's about to get smut posted on it.

It was painted by some third year student or other. I'm sure the name should ring a bell but it's not. Anyways he keeps running around the school totally not carrying smut in his jacket when he finds lapgirl again. She basically wants him to give her the D.

"Seriously, I want you to f**k me how much clearer can I make it?"

He tries to play the 'student council' card but she's like 'NEED TO KNOW FOR SCIENCE ALSO THEY USED MY FLIES WHICH MAKES ME HAPPY AND BOY ISN'T THAT JUST A GREAT COINCIDENCE THAT MY FLIES WERE USED TO MAKE PORN SHOWN TO THE SCHOOL. HOW GREAT IS THAT?'

Euphemisms: The Anime.

She is pretty certain those were her flies because they seemed to act a lot like her flies and she has definitely been watching them a lot and totally wants to know what he has to say on the subject and speaking of subjects she would really like him to give her a practical examination if you know what she means.

How much am I gonna go over the same shit time and again?
Or rather how much is this show gonna make me?

Cut to him meeting crazygirl in the council room talking about how pictures aren't enough, she totally wants some more hentai drawn so she can spread that shit around. Because Rule 34 just isn't going to make itself happen.

Yet they somehow can't track the fact that you guys
spend like HOURS talking about this shit constantly?

Because of shows like this, that's why.

Oh and everyone is just okay with this? I mean, sure, you can say
that they're using jackboots to force people to act but... doesn't
somebody have to be leading those troops to act like that?
Seems you have a much larger problem here.

She makes the comment that saying dirty things is worse that committing murder, and that's bad. Which... I actually agree with. I mean, that is bad. What's worse is that not only did people let it happen, or were perfectly happy to let it happen, but everyone in the system is totally okay with human rights violations on a national scale? Hell, the rest of the world is implicitly okay with this shit?

Anyways, another council meeting where Anna walks around talking about things that are happening around the school. All that smut making the rounds. What are they going to do around the campus?

Yeah you can use your imagination here.

Also, if their stupid devices are so accurate they can detect when someone is so much as touching themselves inappropriately, yet they can't figure out who is doing what and where and when despite showing earlier that is totally a thing they can do? I mean, that was their big opener.

By the way, dude notices the painting behind her and is trying not to freak out while Anna is like 'oh yeah by the way our school physicals might be the next target or something'.

And nobody noticed how happy this made that other girl.

Oh yeah also is there something wrong? Oh, that picture behind her? She thought it was cute and brought it into the room because she really really liked it.

Cue laugh track.

Uh-huh.

*sigh*

This is the entire show folks. Really. That's all you get content-wise. I'm sorry, were you expecting something clever? Something witty? Something on-par with Fahrenheit 451? Nope, it's just a show that revolves around nothing more but pointing out how funny sex jokes are and boy look at how funny these sex jokes are we can make an entire show about people reacting to funny sex jokes and it will never get old ever.

Oh and big dude was like 'I thought it was a banana'.

... I'm not even going to attempt to approach how goddamn stupid this whole thing is. I'm not. I'll just let it speak for itself because that's how f***ing dumb this is.

So they throw it into the trashcan, burn it, and Anna still doesn't get how this is even considered lewd.

I have so many issues with this show. Like this.

She tries to ask if he wants some 'alone time' with Anna to 'educate' her, and he's like 'hell no' and Anna's all 'boy you're great friends already how great'.

Roughly translates to 'she might seem like a stuck-up bitch
but she's actually a wildcat in the sack'.

Also we find dumb girl has a thing for stray cats or whatever? I guess she tried to pet one once and it cut her for being a dumb kid who tries to touch wild animals and she cried? Yeah, that's super vulnerable stuff there indeed, showing how 'soft' someone is.

Yep.

Oh and also she has a tickling fetish.

Also a BDSM fetish if the tape is any indication.

Big dude stops her, those two talk about bananas and stuff, and Anna looks to mainbro and is all 'well thanks for making this place not completely f***ing stuffy, things are more fun with you around'.

Then he looks stupid happy as he walks off with that other girl who is like 'man you're dumb' and he's like 'lol you got served'. They say things without saying more things, and he asks once more one of the stupidest f***ing questions in the world.

You're making NDT weep man. YOU'RE MAKING NEIL WEEP.

Oh and Anna's mom is trying to pass something called "The X Prohibition Law". What is this law, you ask?

Five bucks says it involves getting rid of guys entirely.

Oh so we're not going to talk about what that law is and why it's
bad, we're just gonna go right with 'and she married that one dude'?

Okay, so this new law would basically... monitor children with recordings all the time. I guess? It doesn't make a lot of sense.

You mean they're not already?

She makes the argument that if you see some chick's armpit and go to rub one out, bam you're done son.

Again. This is the entire show. This is what they were hoping
would be its entire selling point.

THEY CAN ALREADY DO THIS.

This show. It is baffling. Truly, truly baffling.

How in the world can this show exist? Just... how?!

Anyways, she wants to try to deal with this stuff before that law gets passed because she actually seems to see the one critical flaw with this entire society which is driving me up the f***ing wall.

One might argue though that it already is.

And we wouldn't want everyone to be like Anna, now would we?

No, seriously, that is the case she makes. We don't want everyone to be like Anna.

Night time, and Anna is talking to her mom who is like "YOU HAVE TO BE ON YOUR S-GAME HONEY. YOUR A-GAME JUST WON'T BE ENOUGH."

Totally ignoring the fact that your daughter only exists because
of those so-called 'dirty' things. Or you. Or anyone.

So now a car drives down and we find those two main characters at that restaurant again and she's all like 'got any ideas?' and he goes 'hell naw' and she's like 'okay maybe we should turn you on maybe that would get some stuff rolling' and he's all 'WTF'.

Uh, what.

I am beginning to question if logic is a thing that ever once entered the mind of ANYBODY working on this damned project.

Please. Just end this now. Please god. Make it stop. I beg of you.

Oh god it just. Keeps. Happening.

I'm really, really not even sure how I should react to this.

I'm going to wake up any time now. Any time now.

I have no idea what's going on anymore. My brain broke twenty
seconds ago.

I guess her 'plot' is to have the school rocked by a scandal of... protein being in boys' urine?

The more I try to think about this, the more it just hurts. Because it has stopped making any sort of sense whatsoever. Are you going somewhere with this? I somehow doubt it.

I'm adding this to the next proposal to the UN's list of shit
banned by the Geneva convention because THIS IS RIGHT UP
THERE WITH SARIN GAS.

THIS SHIT. JUST. KEEPS. HAPPENING.

She's gone so far off the deep end even the San Andreas Fault is like 'whoa girl back the f**k up this shit is way too deep'. He brings her back on point by saying how the f**k is this gonna educate anyone, and she's like 'oh hey what about the sight and hearing part of the physicals?'

Oh god please just let this end soon. Please.

.............

...........

..................................

Some examinations take place I guess. Then she goes and grabs Anna and is like 'oh no some hastily contrived bullshit you should take a look at Anna'.

I am sure no technology currently exists which would allow them
to track the culprit. Nope. Not at all.

The plot is to 'put protein into the urine samples' which neither of the other council members seem to understand.

DOT DOT DOT DOT DOT DOT DOT

*groans in agony*

When. Will. This. Just. END.

So dudes go to get an exam, turns out their nurse is A TERRORIST who is out to show all the guys and girls SOME STUFF.

Oh no what a tweest.

It's what everyone wanted to know how babies were made. Flashback how she forced him to do this, and then he has them divide up into boys and girls and will have them literally spell out the speech about the birds and the bees.

This is their brilliant plan folks.

AND THIS SHIT STILL ISN'T F***ING OVER YET.

Oh and that big guy meanwhile just straight up starts assaulting some poor doctor because.

Because sex is bad but assault is fine.

OH NO. IT WAS A DIVERSION AFTER ALL. BACK TO THAT GUY WHO IS TRYING NOT TO FREAK OUT. He likes cross dressing though and is literally spelling this shit out to them.

Words cannot hope to accurately encapsulate the full breadth of
pure stupidity of this situation.

Oh but then Anna showed up to stop them.

Whoops. Time to leap out the window and sown the building. Oh but then she starts pulling up the rope and he's like 'oh hell naw bitch is cray' and starts running through the school as Anna chases him down. Along with the staff. But seriously Anna is crazy fast.

He climbs up to the roof, and makes it to what he thinks is safety, but nope, she straight up goes full psycho bitch, busts down a door and is like IMMA GETCHUUUU. But then her phone goes off, and is told that's a decoy because the real one is on the gym roof.

Words do not exist to describe how completely, mind-bogglingly,
unbelievably ludicrous this is.

Seriously, I have officially run out of words to describe the sheer breadth of stupidity this show has now reached. We're well past Daimidaler levels folk. This is uncharted f***ing territory here.

If Daimidaler set the bar, this show went "f**k that" and dug a goddamn canal beneath the bar.

Then Blue Snow runs off freeing dude from being caught, and he takes off his disguise and some art girl just happens to see him.

Sure. Interesting. Whatever.

END EPISODE.

I don't know what to think anymore. What to feel. What to believe. I can't be sure if anything is even real anymore.

What is life?