Sailor Moon Episode 15 - Usagi is Frantic! Rei's First Date

I have been a terrible, terrible author. By which I mean to say, I haven't been posting like I promised because frankly, my schedule has been a real mess. It's one of those things you never really seem to get a hold of.

But I guess I should find some time to slide another one of these episodes out into the world, now that said schedule is looking to return to its normal run of giving me at least one day on the weekend to do whatever. With the occasional time during the week to do.... whatever. Hard to follow the rules of the Punishment game when you have to be up at five in the morning.

With that said, let's move onto the next episode on the list (because screw KNJ, I am totally not putting up with that bullshit right now). Oh, also this episode seems to be 'uncut'. Whatever that means.

According to the episode overview, Rei maybe gets together with Tuxedo Mask on a date in the park or something? Then there's some bondage and Luna gets attacked by squirrels. I dunno. Let's just get this thing over with.

Oh, but not until we suffer through the "just in case you've never watched this thing before" once again. It would be nice if they'd at least cut THAT out, but no. Bluuuuh.

Tokyo. Japan. There is a giant tower, they call it Tokyo Tower. And there are three girls standing out in the park, enjoying the incredible view over a lake that cannot possibly exist in such an urban metropolis. These girls are regular school girls by day, but at night? They become... Sailor Warriors.

Or at least that's how I envision this would be typed out if this were some sort of noir flick. With the music they've got going here, it just feels right, y'know? So Ami takes the girls over to see this old dude she knows in the park who is scraping dirt around with his bare hands. Because I guess tools are too good when you are caring for plants?

The old man takes care of the park himself, but it's been sold and will soon be remodeled into a business park. Oh god they're going with a nature message this episode. Look, I understand that deforestation and everything is a terrible thing. Really, I do. But they are going to be so heavy-handed with this shit it could knock out Stallone in one strike. So heavy-handed I bet even the Terminator wouldn't be saying "I'll be back". Because he wouldn't be.

Anyhow old dude is all depressed about the park being renovated and goes back to shoving dirt around with his hands. I guess the tools were sold off too or something, I dunno. You would think a park caretaker would have tools to do his job with but they weren't in the budget. There's a double joke there, in case you missed it. (The joke is everything to do with the budget for this show. In case you did miss it.)

So Rei is determined to... bring...a  boyfriend. To the park. Before it is closed.

.... wait, seriously? I mean... what? Is this girl petty or what? This old dude just poured his soul out about how all the plants and animals will no longer have a home and your only concern is that you want to bring a man here before it is gone?!

Anyway, later that night Luna is going back to the arcade to presumably talk to the computer with no answers.

A new challenger appears!

And in a surprising move, she encounters the bane of all small animals in a metropolitan sprawl. A giant effing truck. Wouldn't it just be sad if a no-name truck driver could do the job that the villains never could? Oh, but she is saved in the nick of time by... some dude.

Seriously creepy stalker dude you are getting WEIRD.

Of course, Usagi and crew catch sight of this, and I bet that Rei is about to totally mack on him.

So Motoki (the arcade guy) comes out and says hi to Chiba. Who is the creepy stalker dude? Finally we have a name for this creep, who goes to the same college as the other guy. Somehow, this is surprising to the rabbit.

Anyways, back in the House of Eternal.... whatever. Star dude is all 'blah blah magic blah, stars tell me how to get my butt kicked'. For a nice change of pace, his target is the old man from the park. My god, for once they didn't target a woman. Will wonders never cease.

Back at the Arcade, Motoki is telling Rei all about Mamoru, the creepy stalker guy who is totally Tuxedo Mask. Aparrently he is loaded and lives alone in a big old apartment and lives off his parents money or something. Yeah, Rei is probably about to become a total gold digger.

Considering that she just resolved to go ona date with him there before slamming her head on the floor, I'd say she's off to a good start.

Back at the park. the old man is all watching the place get bulldozed, and then fabulous star man shows up to give him the power to protect the park. He enchants.... the old man's hat. Yes, he makes something possess the man's hat.

Have to say I really didn't see that one coming.

This on the other hand? Called that like, five minutes ago.

Then the old man summons magic butterflies that causes machines to explode. Yeah. Magic butterflies. You read that right. They don't do anything except float around, and make things go boom. Aparrently the old man's power is that he can control all the animals and insects in the park.

Though if that's the case, doesn't that also mean he can give them crazy magical powers that, I dunno, makes machines explode? Wouldn't it be simpler to just make the machines explode in the first place? Seriously, why does nobody think this shit through? Oh, right, because I bet the budget of a modern-day Quizno's commercial is higher than the budget for this entire show. Yeah, I went there.

So now the stalker has a stalker, in the form of one Rei. Who waits for him outside of his cram school so she can run right into him on purpose. Well, he seems embarrassed so I guess phase one of your TERRIBLE PLAN is working. Especially given that he offers to take her out for tea afterwards.

OR WOULD HAVE IF THAT WEREN'T ENTIRELY A DREAM SEQUENCE.

Such is Rei's terrible plan, and it can only meet with complete and utter failure. Usagi happens to be watching, and true to form, the plan fails, with spectacular results.

I was gonna say something witty about doormats but
y'know what? Just no.

After tripping over a crack in the sidewalk - all to Usagi and Luna's amusement mind you - Mamoru starts apologizing, then totally walks off after she says she's okay. Not even checking to see if she's fine, just sorta casually "oh cool well see ya later". But she doesn't give up, and he recognizes her as being friends with that one girl he is totally not stalking. She offers to take him out for tea to make up for the whole thing.

To make up for what?

I'd be as surprised as he is too if some girl said that to me.

Suddenly, I am wondering to myself why I don't have any alcohol nearby, because I get the feeling this is just about to get all kinds of worse. He accepts her invitation for tea anyway, and they walk off. And Rei is suddenly jealous about the whole thing? I guess her issue is that Rei is getting together with a guy who is in college. Which makes sense, since they're still in middle school? But then again, she's been dreaming about a guy the same age anyways, so what's the big deal?

Don't get me wrong, this is still a terrible, terrible thing that to this day I have never been able to justify. But aparrently in Japan, it's okay to be rocking the cradle. Or, was at one point. I don't know. JAPAN IS WEIRD.

Then Usagi goes tromping off after the newfound couple, and we get the halftime show. Yay.

At the tea shop, Mamoru looks bored as hell, and Rei is totally being dumb. Outside, Usagi is seriously considering abusing her pen to become a waitress. I told you, giving shit like that to a kid like her is Bad News.

Of course, Umino shows up suddenly while she is talking to her cat about using a magical pen to become an adult. After writing that, I suddenly feel like there is a lot more wrong about that than it seems, but my mind just isn't picking up on it. Maybe I'm getting sick or something. Maybe this show is making me sick.

Maybe it is actually making me physically sick. Oh god.

Immediately, Usagi takes advantage of the opportunity and asks Umino if he wants to go on a date, right there and then. So she uses the opportunity to get close and fails.

Ami wanders by, and Luna is all "gee you look sad what is up?" Then we cut over to the old guy getting told by his boss that the park will stay open for now since the construction crew just up and left. Back to Ami, she's all 'yeah he's totally going nuts and telling me I don't deserve to come to the park."

Then comes the violent squirrels.

THE SIGN. SAYS. NO. SMOKING.

The boss who was just smoking gets attacked by ravenous squirrels. And Luna is all "zomg, evil!"

Meanwhile on the lake, Mamoru and Rei are talking about the park and its fate and then comes the sappy "people should take better care of nature" and all that nausea-inducing drivel. I understand the importance of environmental messaging, but christ almighty there are better ways to do it than by forcing characters to say that kind of shit in such a wooden manner that it is exactly the same as just about any other anime that ever existed with the same message in it. I mean seriously.

Anyhow, Usagi ditches Umino and meets up with Ami, who informs her of TERRIBLE THINGS. Then the old man shows up and goes all Dragonball on them, and his hat transforms into some horrible plant-looking lady.

Could this possibly scream Poison Ivy any more?

Cue the transformation sequences, which are still nowhere near as exciting as the first time you saw them. I really think they were like "Yeah we have this totally rad-sounding music clip, we should use it in EVERY EPISODE!" and so the transformation sequences were born.

SUDDENLY SPEED LINES!

I guess Mamoru has a freakout moment right after Usagi transforms. Then the birds come to attack them on the boat.

Meanwhile, Luna is attacked by squirrels, and butterflies are attacking the girls. But somehow bubbles put them to sleep, and then comes the bondage portion where the girls just get slapped by vines. Then Rei realizes 'oh hey there's an evil thing' and runs off.

She arrives as Sailor Mars just as Ami looks like she's going to Hulk-bust her way out of the vines, and burns all that to ash. Then comes the whole "we will punish you" line, only without Usagi. I think I much prefer it that way.

Then Tuxedo Mask shows up, and slaps the monster in the head with a rose, and this fight is pretty much over already. Funny how quickly these things end when everyone is actually on point for a change. Seriously, I think that's the shortest monster battle yet for the entire show.

As quickly as he showed up, he leaves, and the old man gets better. Mamoru shows back up all sopping wet, and Rei makes a comment.

Oh gee, you're so clever. It's almost like you are a PSYCHIC
or something OH WAIT YOU ARE.

Usagi yells out that he can't be Tuxedo Mask, he seems to have no clue what she's on about, and Umino shows back up asking about their date. Y'know, the one she asked him out on. End of episode.

So pretty much, what have we learned from today's episode? That being a psychic isn't as cracked up as we thought it would be, nature is awesome and we totally shouldn't bulldoze parks for business centers, and if you're ever being attacked by butterflies and squirrels, blow bubbles at them. Because that'll totally solve the problem.