Sailor Moon Episode 16 - Dream of a White Dress! Usagi Becomes a Bride

Things are a bit quiet tonight. Perhaps a bit too quiet. I need to fix this by causing some severe mental scarrage. Hence, the next episode of Sailor Moon.

I figure, ANYTHING is better than that other show.

Anything.

Hell, I would rather watch Strike Witches, and I absolutely hated that show.

So today's episode seems to have all of the Sailor Scouts in wedding dresses, fighting some giant spider lady thing, according to the overview. Glad to know I know exactly what'll happen before I watch this thing. Of all the episodes I have watched, only one of them has managed to be even moderately interesting?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's not that this show is particularly bad... but at the same time, it's incredibly sub-par. I mean seriously, what redeeming qualities does this show really have? That it was made for little girls who had absolutely no concept of what 'good' television was?

And I think at that point I may want to start locking my doors and boarding the windows because I can already hear the crowd with the pitchforks and torches stomping down the street...

Today's episode begins in yet another boring Home Ec class, where the teacher doesn't care about anything. What do darts have to do with Home Economics? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Umino shows up during lunch to let Usagi and her red-headed friend know that it's because the formerly-single 34-year-old teacher is about to get hitched to some hunky dream guy.

Five bucks says that it's star-guy. I mean seriously. Who else would it be? If you are that old in Japanese society back then, and you don't have a man? YOU ARE NEVER GETTING ONE, EVER.

I guess the big catch is that she's going to be getting hitched in a wedding dress she made. Oh, and it would appear that I was wrong about the groom.

Well this is... refreshingly sensible.

Seems the guy is pretty much a loser nobody who isn't rich or tall or even handsome. But I guess his heart's in the right place so it's all okay? Usagi makes a declaration of wanting to be married by 25 which... eh, I guess that makes sense too, given the time period this was made in.

Blah blah more wedding talk, the bride can't find material she likes, then man in Ferrari consults the stars to find out more about this lady he was totally spying on just moments ago.

Usagi is wandering around and then.... oh dear mother of....

WHO COMES UP WITH THIS SHIT?!

Any credibility this episode might have lost is dashed in an instant. Seriously!? Who the hell comes up with this kind of crap?! I mean first of all, who makes their own wedding dresses like that, second of all, who in their right mind would sponsor a contest where the only prize was paying for someone else's wedding?! That just makes no sense at all. That's... it's like... I think Team Rocket could come up with something better and they are notoriously terrible at coming up with things!

Rei happens to be walking by as Usagi is doing her whole magical dream sequence thing with her and Tuxedo Mask and Motoki. Because one man is not enough for her? Ugh.

To add yet another layer of complete and utter WTF to this, it is declared (after Rei's pestering) that whoever wins the grand prize can cash it in any time they want, regardless of how many years into the future it may be.

That's just pure insanity is what that is. Not even Japan would come up with something that crazy. This is just purely someone writing whatever comes to mind to try to get across some kind of sense of coherent story-telling. Maybe they were just using story-telling dice or something? Pick a random word out of the dictionary, that's your main theme, here's a few other words to associate with it: Wedding, Sewing Contest, Spiders. There's your whole episode. Like, what? This is like something a middle-schooler would write.

And let's face it, most of the shit those kids write are all self-insert fan fictions. Graaaaah!

So now we've got the whole rivalry between Rei and Usagi, and the only thing I can think to myself is, 'holy crap, when did the animation get so fluid? And for that matter, when did the characters all get so round?'

Probably the best animation of the entire show thus far.

Somehow, I get the feeling that this show would have been immensely more enjoyable if the guys who did this particular scene were in charge of the entire show. Because clearly they know how to animate. Anyhow, the teacher predictably walks by and sees the contest and you already know who is going to win.

Once more, I am astounded by the sudden presence of relatively good animation in this show, as Rei comes home with Usagi, only to pump her mother for information on sewing... a wedding dress. Only to find out she sucks at it.

The friends have a bit of a spat, the animation returns to normal static images with moving mouths, and Usagi goes to Ami for advice on sewing. Which is a terrible idea since she requires books to be read first.

So across town, every woman in town is raiding the fabric shop, and our Villain approaches the teacher...

Okay, yes. We get it. Stars are your thing. You can
SHUT UP NOW.

Then he makes something possess the silk and walks off. Given that it's silk, I guess it's a spider. At least that makes some kind of sense. More sense than magic butterflies, right?

So Usagi meets up with Naru after going to her teacher's house to get advice on sewing, and there's more boring talk about the whole ordeal. But they do manage to see the fiancee. Who is ignored because she is totally possessed and no longer wearing her glasses. And doesn't want to see him until after the contest is over or she'll break off the engagement? Talk about hissy fits, but her hair is totally different too!

Does this character even belong in this show? Like,
shouldn't she be hiding a gun or something?

Then she starts freaking out about making the wedding dress and goes back inside. Usagi is more worried about the contest, but at least Luna is on the ball, realizing something is kind of wrong. I mean let's face it, lady is tall and scary now. That's usually a good sign a monster is involved.

So Ami and Luna are heading to Rei's, and I guess grandpa is really mad about her wanting to use the ceremonial wedding thingie in the contest which she swears she won't do (but was totally thinking about doing anyway?). Then grandpa turns to Ami and starts pimping the shrine asking if she wants to get married there. And immediately hits on her once she says she's single.

Then Usagi starts sneaking around her own house like a burglar, in an attempt to steal curtains to make the dress. Then there's some sort of comedy routine where she calls her mom "governor" and she threatens to suspend her allowance for three months to pay for the curtains. And then Usagi cries because she is a worthless lump and the contest ends in a few days.

Meanwhile, crazy lady has completed at least part of her dress or something, then passes out. Then it's the day of the contest! And Usagi is still pretty worthless, having tried her best and probably having accomplished absolutely nothing. But on the bright side it seems the other two didn't either, so yay.

But then it is Luna of all people that suggests she abuse the power of the transformation pen to enter the contest as a contestant. For totally legit reasons that let her spy on the other contestants.

Process that for just a moment? Now tell me who's gonna win.

So now the contest begins in earnest, and the teacher is nowhere to be found. Until DRAMATIC ENTRANCE THE ANNOUNCER NEVER SAW COMING. And then he falls in love with her.

At least the dress is fashionable but.... is it wedding material?

So then she announces herself the winner, and I guess she makes everyone fall asleep. Except for Sailor Moon who is saved by Luna who hid under her dress? Then she calls the cat a pervert?

This episode just gets weirder and weirder, with Ami and Rei coming in on the "happy couple" boat. Then we get the transformation sequences all bundled together to expedite things along.

And the award for most uninspired monster design goes to...

Immediately, Sailor Moon gets pegged with the webbing, but like every episode lately, Mercury blasts her bubbles, Rei hits something with her fire, Usagi gets freed, and then she kicks its ass. Like, there's not even any actual fighting anymore.

Then everyone wakes up again, and the teacher gets married, and everyone is watching. Then they make the comment about the whole bouquet thing and Ami winds up being the one to catch it, end of episode.

At this point this is less painful and just plain boring. Don't get me wrong, it's still pretty bad by all counts. But at least it isn't worse. It's just plain tiring, as opposed to making me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spork.

I imagine that'll probably be coming up again soon enough though. This new villain can only last so long before he gets replaced, and we're coming up on the end of the first 'season' technically. Not the end of the first series, sadly enough, as there's 46 episodes all together.

Sixteen down, 184 left to go.

WHY DID THAT NUMBER SEEM SMALLER TWO SECONDS AGO OH GOD HELP ME.