It's almost enough to make me want to take some time off. But I won't, because I'm probably going to be needing that time off the week after next. I'll be working an awful lot of hours, and may decide not to post anything during that period. 60 hours is a lot to work in a single week.
So expect July to kick off kind of slow is what I'm saying.
Anyways, something about Sailor Moon. Let's hop to it?
So today's episode is about cats.
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| Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you need to be in a relationship first before you can technically have an affair? |
On the one hand, this is just such a ridiculous premise that I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. On the other, this feels an awful lot like one of those moments where the show goes 'eh f**k it give me some sharks IMMA JUMP THIS BITCH.'
They go right from the intro straight into the title slide, which is a habit I have to say I'm not against. I just wish they'd stop telling us what's going to happen in the episode before it does, but at this point, some hundred and thirty episodes in, I'm honestly beating the dead horse into pulp.
We begin the episode with some super exciting math homework action.
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| Yet more proof that Chibi-usa is not nearly as old as she is supposed to be claimed to be. Which makes everything regarding her character just that much more awkward. |
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| Again. SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER. YOU KNOW THIS. YOU ARE TRULY THE WORST DAD EVER. |
Then Chibi-usa called him Papa, and gets all doughy-eyed.
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| Yes because clearly you couldn't get your education, I dunno. HUNDREDS OF YEARS IN THE FUTURE?! |
However, when you see shit like this, it feels an awful lot like she is actually just nine years old.
This leads me to one of two conclusions. Either she is, in fact, just a child, which makes everything that ever happened to her a terrible crime against humanity, or she is, in reality, pretending to only be nine years old to her future parents who no doubt will know the truth later on and be able to punish the f**k out of her for it. Also, she is hitting on her father constantly.
No matter how you look at this situation, Chibi-usa is a f***ing HORRIBLE person.
Blah blah what a poor little girl who just ca-
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| *spittake* SERIOUSLY. I AM CARDING YOU CHILD. |
Anyways leave it to her future mother to brighten her mood.
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| So supportive. |
At least they are openly admitting that they are parent and child through this entire conversation, so that's an improvement.
Anyways the cats show up, and Luna isa ll "yo dude here totes just got his love cherry popped".
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| Oh good. We're back to the beastiality thing. Again. Wait wasn't that the plot of the last movie? |
So back the f**k up for like two seconds here. You're telling me they are just rehashing the entire plot of the last movie, only this time it's Artemis and not Luna?
What the f**k Japan. I know you're lazy but goddamn.
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| Wait how the f**k do YOU know that? Also, you KNOW he is a cat, right? Right?? |
Waaaait a second. This is the last movie all over again! God damn it!
Cut to Mamoru walking off with Artemis and telling girls to do their damned homework OR ELSE. Also Artemis feels miserable and Usagi mentions something about him totes loving Luna.
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| You are literally one of two talking cats in the entire world. WHY IS THIS EVEN REMOTELY A SURPRISE. |
This show is making me so very confused right now.
They talk about Luna behind her back to her face, and they talk about how Artemis is such a pussy (cue drums), and Artemis is all like "LIFE SUCKS" and then...
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| .... and then.... |
No.
Oh dear god no.
Please god, don't do this to me.
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| IT HURTS. STOP. OH GOD IT BURNS. TAKE IT AWAY! |
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| *cue nervous twitching and frothing at the mouth* |
At this point, I'm pretty sure someone just went "F*** the timeline".
Artemis is understandably confused, but Diana has absolutely no question about the situation. At all.
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| In the future you are dead ha ha ha ha you suck Artemis. |
Also her mom told her not to get picked up by some random stranger when being sent back into the past and of course she immediately latches on to the first people she sees.
Then it gets even more awkward as he begins to hallucinate Luna staring at his tiny little butthole.
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| Full disclosure: I just wanted an excuse to write butthole. |
Except that it's much less a hallucination, and more her actually freaking the f**k out about how only he could be the father of some random kitten that talks, cuts his face, and walks off in a jealous huff without once considering that THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE TRAVELED THROUGH F***ING TIME.
They run off, leaving Diana with Mamoru.
Which means it's time for us to check in on the Dark Carnival.
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| Oh hey we hope you don't remember some of that other stock footage from the first episode because we're using it now. |
Our three main antagonists make their entrance n the court before Baba-Yaga and he all shows up and is all "I AM SO GLAD I HAVE NO MOUTH WITH WHICH TO LIP SYNC WITH, IT MADE RE-USING ALL THIS FOOTAGE SO MUCH EASIER."
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| Seriously he/she/it just twitches around when speaking. |
Anyways then the head pops out (ahahahahahaha kill me now) and everyone is all "this is totally not just footage from the first episode everyone forgot about".
They claim that they are totally going to take care of this thing and aren't wasting time, and Lord Frieza is all "DON'T F**K THIS UP" and then everyone goes to get drunk.
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| Seriously. At this point, Sailor Moon is going to become entirely a clip show. |
Tiger's Eye complains about his teammates, and Fish Eye is all 'man these pictures suck" but then Tiger's Eye is all "I LOVE ME SOME NUNS."
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| Totally stealing that line the next time I go on a bar crawl. "Baby, you're like Everest and I just gotta climb ya." |
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| Seriously not even pretending it's not a double entendre. |
Immediately cut to...
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| Ba-dum-tish! |
So what we're seeing here is actual Christians doing actual Christian things in Japanese anime. My god. This is so Catholic it hurts... and is kind of spot on compared to how they tend to portray this things. Which is unusual, given that we've had shows like Qwasar.
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| Oh yeah and these two are here for some reason. |
Cut to Artemis going home.
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| Boy Mina, you really love yourself don't you. |
I'd like to pause here for just a moment to address something that bothers the hell out of me.
So, canon established long ago that Mina was actually Sailor V who was running around Europe fighting crime and stuff. It seems kind of obvious that she doesn't have parents, because if she did, they never once reported her missing.
Which leads me to beg the question: Why do you need to put your name on your door when you are the only person living there?
Anyways he walks in to find Mina just staring out the window. Ignoring that he is talking to her.
For like, ten seconds.
But then she prepares to flip a bitch on him because, y'know. Reasons I guess.
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| Yes because ownership of sentient beings is totally okay. |
Then he's all 'whoa wait owner I mean that's kind of rude and also we are totally just comrades in arms and shit' with makes her go 'oh yeah? Some comrades who hide things from one another fufufufu'.
He thinks she's talking about a cake but she gets all angry she didn't notice before. Or it's not all the other things he did thats he never really noticed or bothered to attribute to him. But that's not what she's mad about and she is ready to forgive and forget.
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| The producer called. He said "we need this scene finished in three hours. Cut whatever corners are necessary." |
Mina has not moved an inch this entire scene so far. Arms moving around, but nothing to do with her body. They got super lazy with this shit.
But then she finally turns around.
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| You can turn back around now thanks. |
She's all mad because he's a dad and never told her. Then she goes on the rampage and the full bitch-mode commences.
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| BECAUSE TIME TRAVEL. |
Now it is time to be at Rei's place eating snacks and doing nothing related to being at a shrine.
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| When you feel lonely, just get fat! That way you'll be even lonelier. |
All the snacks are purely for Luna's benefit, however. Snacks which include chocolate peanuts, or cookies.
Dear christ are you trying to kill her?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE THINGS DO TO CATS?!
Anyways Rei tries to comfort Luna by saying there are many other, er, talking cats out there in the universe?
... yeah I'm not buying that one.
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| Oh Ami. I missed you being the most intelligent person around. |
Hell, even Luna is kind of wondering what the hell these people are on about.
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| THEN WHY IS THIS EVEN CALLED AN AFFAIR?! |
Luna deflects the whole thing by saying she has one mission in the world, and that is making Usagi somehow not completely useless. She is her own woman... cat. So there's no problem whatsoever with the whole Artemis being a dad suddenly.
By the way where the hell did Diana even go this entire time?
Also.
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| Not three minutes ago you were checking out the lady he supposedly was seeing instead of Luna! Hell you even commented on this before even that! |
More evidence that Usagi is a horribly written blonde cliche who can't even remember the things she said earlier that very day.
Also blah blah Artemis will never like Luna because he has a kid blah blah oh noes I didn't know you two were even a thing.
It's like she can't even remember who she is supposed to be through an entire episode. This is garbage writing.
Cut back to the church where a nun does nun things and gets tempted by some dude who has no idea what a nun even is.
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| Bro, you really have no idea what you have set yourself up for. |
It's a classic tale of corrupting the innocent devout. Except that it works much, much better on a young girl than it does on a legitimate nun who has taken a vow of celibacy.
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| He's talked to her all of five seconds and already wants to drink the Kool-Aid. |
But then he pulls the classic sudden fainting spell, and says how he just wants to hear the words of the lord. Also somehow quotes the most common scripture, and then... cuts right to assault.
Oh and Artemis is wandering around somewhere.
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| Wait. Seriously? What the actual f**k, HOW DO YOU LET A KITTEN JUST WANDER OFF? WAS SHE NOT SUPPOSED TO STICK WITH YOU AND MAMORU OR SOMETHING? |
We are seriously missing some crucial details here folks. Because at some point between "Daddy!" and now, the kitten has plumb wandered off.
Who in their right goddamn mind would allow this?
Anyways he's walking by the church and seeing Tiger's Eye forcing himself on a lady right into a commercial break. Fantabulous!
When we return, Tiger's Eye is about to do a thing, and the nun just straight up starts asking for the Lord's divine intervention, which gives him pause.
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| He must be thinking "holy shit, this girl is serious". |
But then he cringes in horror at the whole thing and she's all 'oh hey are you okay' and he's like 'psyche!'and then does a thing with a thing and makes her drop her rosary and rips a mirror out of her chest.
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| While actually a pretty clever reference, how the f**k does he manage to know this stuff? |
Then Artemis arrives on the scene to not scratch him in the face, and Mina transforms into Sailor Venus because I guess it's time that some other scouts do things for once.
Also the new audio for her transformation sucks balls. But who cares it's time for her intro pose, which is stylish as f**k.
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| BECAUSE CROSSES ARE COOL IN JAPAN. |
Then Tiger's Eye calls her ugly, she gets all pissy about it, and decides to give him some divine punishment. So he summons his Remless, Kigurumiko.
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| Wait. Do you mean that Kigurumi?! |
Also Artemis jumps at dude and he bats him aside and is like 'lol whatevs' and Mina gets mad. But no time for that because creepy doll face is creepy.
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| The f**k? |
Then she transforms into...
... into...
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| We all knew this was coming. *sigh* |
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| Even Mina is like 'okay this is a fever dream right?' |
I really, really don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, it's nice the monsters of the day are getting cool, unique abilities, and that they all kind of relate to the whole carnival schtick. But... god this one is just so incredibly dumb!
Anyways Tiger goes to peek around, has a good laugh, can't find what he's looking for and decides it's time to kill the nun. But Artemis gets back up and scratches his hand. So he orders his monster to deal with a cat, which puts him in her pouch and... he... becomes a mini-her?
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| What show am I watching? |
But Venus whacks her with a chain and it hurts Artemis because they are now linked as one or whatever, and Venus gets knocked out. In time for the mother daughter combo to show up with a transformation sequence to save the day because let it never be forgotten whose show this actually is. Sorry people who used to be main characters, you're just set dressing at this point.
Also some other girls show up but who cares because let's face it, they're going to all be useless except for the Moon girls.
Tiger's Eye decides its time to bounce and leaves the monster to clean up (which never works), and the girls notice Artemis is in the thing, and everyone gets the shit beat out of them, so he is all "just beat me up already!" Oh and at some point Luna leaps onto the monster's back and starts nomming on it because reasons and gets knocked to the ground.
Which makes him mad so he bites the pouch and...
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| Oh god this is HORRIFYING. |
We suddenly go from Japanese Anime to Walt Disney and back again.
This shift is... quite disturbing.
But she throws the cat away, which is just what they needed I guess. He goes to check on Luna, and a rose comes in to just hit the ground in front of her, which lets Tuxedo Mask pretend like he still does something useful.
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| Also, she has a bell on her head. I love this design. |
Oh yeah and also he's not alone because he literally pulls a cat out of his hat.
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| Just because. |
Kitten jumps down to talk with Small Lady, and the monster charges forward and Diana is all "DO A THING SMALL LADY" and so she does a thing which lets Sailor Moon do her thing. Which brings us one stock footage sequence closer to the end of this whole ordeal.
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| Also, once again, a mix of styles. I'm not sure how to feel. |
Monster defeated yay good job everyone.
Artemis and Luna share a moment, people clap at the church because someone gets married I guess, and the truth gets told to everyone.
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| NO F***ING SHIT. THIS COULD HAVE BEEN EXPLAINED FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO BUT YOU CHOSE NOT TO JUST SO YOU COULD HAVE THIS STUPID EPISODE ABOUT A NUN. |
She's here to be friends with Chibi-usa, everyone goes 'holy shit the talking cats hook up', and Luna decides to horribly scar her future child for life.
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| Why do people love this show again? I keep forgetting. |
She gets all grumpy at him for ogling a human woman, and a NUN at that, despite the fact that the movie totally established she completely had a thing with a legit human that one time while pretending to be THE MOON GODDESS and he's all like 'whoa slow your roll there grape-tits and let me explain my deal.'
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| What do you know it was all just a hilarious misunderstanding. |
LOVE LOVE LOVE. ALSO KITTEN WILL BE YOUR NEW RECURRING CHARACTER YOU HOPE DIES.
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| THIS ENTIRE SEQUENCE MAKES NO SENSE. ALSO F**K THE TIMELINE. |
Ha ha Artemis knows how Mamoru feels everyone laughs the end.
No but seriously.
F**k the timeline.
If you packed this show into a cannon, and pointed it at an ocean of sharks, this would have the be the moment where it is blatantly obvious they have done this.
And I mean a literal ocean made out of sharks. Like, replace all the water with nothing but sharks. And fire the cannon over it. That's this show right now.
You had five good episodes. Way to completely f**k it all up guys.
We're done here. Come back and see me next week when I inevitably punch myself in the balls hoping this show will ever get good again.
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