Gunparade March Episode FINAL - Everytime I Say Good-Bye

Finally. We're finally doing this. The end is nigh, and it is a glorious, wonderful, scintillating experience.

Make no mistake. I am absolutely convinced that this show will be a complete f***ing train wreck of a mess by the time this all ends. But y'know what? As long as Tanabe survives all of this, I could care less. Though to be fair, I'm fairly sure that all of this is just gonna be some shitty end anyways with maybe a hint of a war against aliens or whatever.

Yeah, kinda easy to forget that's what this show was supposed to be about, right? But then they decided three episodes in that was boring so they were gonna make it a love story instead. But not just any old love story. No, they were gonna make it the shittiest love story possible.

Enough of this. Let's get it over with. I want to enjoy every moment of never having to watch this putrid fecal offering ever again as is humanly possible.

This is the last time. I have to sit. Through this god. Awful. F***ing. INTRO. Just hearing that opening riff at this point is enough to make me want to stab someone. THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS SHIT ANYMORE.

Seriously. If someone comes up to me and plays this song they are getting a swift right hook to the jaw. I f***ing HATE this shit. How J.C. Staff could make such a horrendous turd is just beyond me.

Oh, but it seems somebody got the f***ing memo, and decided that since this is THE LAST F***ING EPISODE they were going to stop washing out all the goddamned colors.

What are these bright, non-saturated colors in my Gunparade?

We hear that maingirl repeat that stuff from the last episode during the Christmas dinner, and they cut between the new, colorful, non-shit artwork and last week's desaturated garbage as if we wouldn't notice the difference in quality. Sure, they're re-using the audio from last week, and some of the scenes, but it seems like they are kind of pretending to not do something shit. We get to see her walk out of the restaurant this time, and then we get our final title card, which is totally not what we were expecting.

Ooooh, does everybody die? Please tell me everybody but
Tanabe dies. Please!

Then the sad piano music cuts out and we jump to people clinking glasses in celebration of the end of the world.

Year! I mean to say end of the year!

Ah, 2000. Remember that? The Y2K scare? God I remember how stupidly hilarious that was. Computers were going to crash and it was going to be the end of humanity as we knew it. Ah, good times.

Oh look, here's Tanabe already, plotting how best to spend all
that money she made by appearing in this show every episode.

The girls are like 'gotta have fun' except for the downer Shibamura, then the cook dude gives them all some food for their party because they're on vacation or whatever so it's all good.

Unless your resolution involves drowning yourself in a vat
of acid I really don't give a shit.

Tanabe, once again silently thankful this show is ending.

The redhead proclaims her desire to learn how better to embezzle expenses for the new year. Because that's a goal one should aspire to, surely. Bandanna says she's gonna get her mechanic license, and Shibamura gets asked what she's going to ask for if she survives the end of the world. I mean year. End of the year.

She looks down and stays quiet and Tanabe is like "f**k y'all".

I DO NOT CARE THAT THIS IS THE WORST PERFORMANCE
IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. THIS IS THE END OF THE
SHOW AND SHE IS GONNA MILK THAT SHIT FOR ALL
THAT IT IS WORTH AT THIS POINT.

Oh you f***ing cunts.

It is now December 29th. They tell us this because it is super important I guess, and the boys are sitting around talking about how they can't wait to leave the next day. Well, except the main hero guy, nobody gives a shit about him I guess. He seems to be burying himself under the blankets, so Duo decides to torture the poor guy by not saying Shibamura's name over and over again. Because he's a f***ing dick.

But the Eros of the show tells him to knock it off, and then tells mainbro to get his shit together and stop moping all the f***ing time because he's really throwing off dude's groove or whatever.

Once more proving he lives in a fantasy world.

Duo asks him if this is true and dude is like 'hell naw'. So at least give him points where it's due.

They try once more to get him to leave his blanket or say something, but then give up and leave the room so he can mope in silence as he flashes back to the dinner once again, where he sees her try not to cry and then walks off.

SURE AM GLAD I WATCHED THIS ALIEN WAR SHOW.

Meanwhile in the other dorm Shibamura keeps looking at that stupid photo of dude with the cat and sees flashbacks of her sempai during school and stuff and watching his mech plane fly away or whatever. Oh and then dudebro's 'can't forget about him' echoes over the audio again.

NOW IT IS THE NEXT DAY. Boy this is super exciting drama.

They also remind us about what the day is. Shibamura makes up her mind, and glasses dude tells her she should probably do the transfer but that's just his opinion man.

"You're one of our best pilots and I totally think you should
leave for no good reason."

He asks her to let him know by the new year though, and she leaves the room while the blind dude who may not be blind is like 'the hell is wrong with you brah'. He wonders why dude didn't give his 'personal' opinion, but he's like 'man whatever don't judge me it's her call'.

Then someone knocks on mainbro's window, and turns out it is the local loli and fat cat.

I HAVE NO FAMILY TO VISIT AND AM SUPER BORED.

Those other guys asked her to talk to him, and she asks him to take care of Shibamura who also isn't going anywhere. Wait, even Nonomi is going home? I thought she was a homeless orphan or something? So it's just going to be the two of them at the school? Also someone left him a note by a bag.

Yeah this is super helpful. Wait, no it isn't.

Then some people gather in town to basically leave the school abandoned. A child gets on a street train, and remember that dude who got shot down from last episode? Yeah he runs up and the lady is like 'f**k you pal!'

What a strange callback for them to make.

Dude falls to the ground, and blind teacher is like 'let's go mainbro this is pathetic' so they leave and go back to the now empty school. They have some tea in the office next to a space heater, and awkwardly have a not-conversation. Then some tangerines are brought into the mix, and they start eating and talking.

Unless this is a story about how you lost your eyesight, this
is probably not going to be very interesting. Also, why the
hell do you always wear sunglasses if you're not actually blind?

He talks about how at one point he was such a hikkikomori who couldn't even talk to a store clerk. He peels his tangerine and eats and wonders why he couldn't talk to anybody for some reason. And... that's the end of the conversation I guess. It is now nighttime and mainbro makes him some hot water for cup noodles, and hears noises outside. Also it goes from having a light on in one shot to not having a light on in the next shot, despite the fact that he is still boiling the water for his cup noodles. So color me confused. Did the lights go out or something? Seems the case since none of them are working and lights are out all over the campus.

So he grabs a candle and heads into the girl's dorm to go visit Shibamura since he heard from Nonomi that she hates being lonely.

Knocking on the door, he walks away without saying much, but she opens the door anyways and is like 'rar'. Then commercial break happens.

Afterwards he's like 'uh so the power's out I guess' and she's like 'uh yeah'. He came all this way to give her a candle which he lights, and she hunts around for something in her room, and so he walks in to see she was drinking coffee or whatever, so they put the new candle on a saucer and stare awkwardly for a moment until mainbro sees that photo which just so happens to conveniently have the face obscured despite there being no logical reason for this to be the case at this point.

Seriously, look at the shadows. There is LITERALLY
no f***ing reason the face should be obscured by shadow.

So he looks at the photo and is like 'so that's the dude huh, well guess I oughta leave' but she tells him to stay put because she needs to talk with  him. Remember that time they were stranded all alone? Well she lied about a thing. She was totes in love with that dude. This bothers her I guess. But then the lights come back on, and the phone is like 'yo set the time blind dude' and now mainbro is back in his own room thinking about all those times they argued and fought in a machine together and went on that date or whatever.

Oh and she was totally in love with some dude who died. He looks at the jewelry thing, and they helpfully let us know that it is the 31st. Shibamura goes outside to find a tiny note on the door, and a cat who is probably wondering where the hell his breakfast is. Also it starts snowing and people on TV are talking about how you are spending the end of the world. I mean year. Man. 2000 sure was a weird time right?

At least nobody is talking about partying like it's 1999. Which it actually is, but at least nobody is talking about that thankfully.

We get to see how other teammates are spending the end of the year.

The goddess Tanabe, for example, continues to sow chaos
everywhere she goes.

But who cares about that, the people on tv are showing a big countdown timer. How often do you get to experience a chance to usher in the new millennium? Never, that's how often!

Anyways, dudebro is out on the town and that old lady from the shop calls him over, so he goes to see what is up.

Why does this seem strangely creepy to me?

She gives him a can of something and is like 'here you must be cold'. I'm not familiar with warm cans of drink in Japan but I'm sure if she had been hanging onto that it must be at least somewhere between freezing and not freezing so I am not sure how good that will be at warming him up, but then again what do I actually know about Japanese culture anyways?

He thanks her for the drink and she walks off, but then is like 'yo c'mere' so he does. They head over to the store and she hands him a second can, and he notices Shibamura is also out and about. But she sees him and goes running off and she's like "dude seriously go get that bitch". So he goes running after her and she stands at the top of the bridge and they're like "BOY THIS IS SUCH A ROMANTIC MOMENT WE ARE HAVING IN THE FREEZING WEATHER."

Also, it is very dark which makes it even more romantic.

Then the final countdown is on and there's less than a minute until the ball drops and they head out into town with other people together. And he's all like "I WANNA TALK TO YOU".

Oh yeah and these two show up again for SOME REASON.

She puts the dude down again and after that awkwardness, dude is like "I..." but then OH HEY LOOK A GIANT COUNTDOWN. He keeps trying to say things and she smiles and shit and then he says a thing and she smiles and they're like Happy New Year AND THEN THAT F***ING SONG STARTS UP AGAIN. NO. NO ON NO YOU F***ING F***ERS DONT YOU F***ING DARE DO THIS TO ME YOU F***ING COCKSUCKING ASSHOLES NO YOU PROMISED ID NEVER HAVE TO HEAR THIS F***ING SONG AGAIN AUUUUUUUUGH.

... wait, 2001? WHAT YEAR IS IT?!?!

The camera flies into the sky, and our narrator is like "oh yeah and those aliens? Yeah, still tearing shit up somewhere but who cares, this is a love story".

"Oh yeah, we started this show with aliens killing people
and shit, so we should probably end it like that too. THIS
IS A LOVE STORY LOLOLOLOL."

No, wait, nevermind. No aliens killing at all here.

Also those two are on live TV and everyone sees dude giving her a ring on TV.

ALL HAIL GODDESS TANABE!

Also we see a wish plaque was that Mai stay with the crowd and we see that note asking if she'd like to go to the shrine.

Then we see people doing... things. Related to... military things. Also Shibamura wearing her new earrings and... NOW THEY ARE PLAYING THE OPENING SONG. AGAIN. MOTHER F***ERS JUST WILL NOT LET UP.

JUST LET IT BE F***ING OVER ALREADY. PLEASE GOD MY EARS CAN ONLY TAKE OS MUCH. A PLANE FLIES OFF. A CAT YAWNS. LADY COMMANDERS COMMAND LADIES. ALIENS LOOK MENACING AND SHIT. NOT THAT ANY OF THIS MATTERS BECAUSE THE SHOW IS OVER AND F***ING EVERYONE IS STILL F***ING ALIVE EXCEPT THAT ONE CHICK WHO DIED IN EPISODE FOUR.

OH AND NOW THEY GIVE US THE END F***ING CREDITS.

F**K YOU J.C. STAFF. HOW DARE YOU GIVE US THIS SHIT SOUFFLE AND TRY TO PASS IT OFF AS SOMETHING IT WASN'T. YOU PROMISED ME A MECHA SHOW WHERE ALIENS DIE. THEN YOU GAVE ME SOME SHITTY SUB-PAR F***ING ROMANCE SHIT BECAUSE YOU HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH THIS INCREDIBLY SIMPLE F***ING CONCEPT.

YOU THINK I HATE LOVE STORIES? F**K YOU. SUZUKA WAS GODDAMN AMAZING AND IF YOU DIDN'T CRY AT THE END OF THAT YOU HAVE NO F***ING HEART. VIDEO GIRL AI? YEAH I ACTUALLY OWN THAT SHIT. HELL I WILL EVEN TOLERATE F***ING FRUITS BASKET. FRUITS BASKET. OKAY? SO I DO NOT HATE LOVE STORIES AT ALL. WHAT I HATE ARE SHOWS THAT CRAM THIS SHIT INTO MY MOUTH AND EXPECT ME TO LIKE IT WHEN NONE OF THE CHARACTERS SHORT OF TANABE ARE CAPABLE OF HAVING MORE CHARACTER THAN A WEEK OLD PIZZA BOX SITTING IN A DUMPSTER.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THIS SHOW GAVE US. CARDBOARD CUTOUTS WITH ZERO F***ING PERSONALITY BESIDES ONE-WORD DESCRIPTORS.

F**K YOU, AND F**K THIS SHOW. I'M OUT. WE ARE DONE HERE, THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING LEFT TO SEE. THIS SHOW IS GARBAGE, AND IF YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THIS YOU HAVE CLEARLY NEVER SEEN A GOOD SHOW IN YOUR LIFE AND NEED TO WATCH MORE ANIME. F**K.