Has it really been almost a full month since I stopped watching this show? Has it really? My god. It feels like so much longer.
And yet at the same time, it feels like not long enough.
It will never be long enough.
I think that's also a penis joke but at this point? I don't want penis jokes anywhere near this show.
I just screwed the pooch on that one didn't I? Alright. Let's go over this one more time, and grade the show based on its merits. Or merit. I'm not sure if that's going to be singular or plural yet. I'm sure it'll be at least singular. Otherwise this is going to be a really sarcastic remark in about a thousand words.
Someone, somewhere, honestly believed this show was, at some point, a good idea. I honestly can't imagine why though. I really, honestly can't. I mean this thing was released in late 2011. The manga itself only spanned a total of 9 volumes, which admittedly was only recently completed according to wikipedia. Though as a fun fact I was completely unaware of, yet I totally should have realized: Lotte actually made a cameo in Disgaea 4: A Promise Unforgotten as the traditional "I don't belong here but I'm showing up anyways" character for the Omega Ice spell. Which is fascinating and... I have to admit actually kind of makes sense to some extent.
But overall, I just don't understand this show, what it is trying to get across, or why they thought such an incredibly niche market would ever be successful. I really just can't fathom how this show ever got greenlit, because it is just so amazingly horrifying in every possible way that I am literally flabbergasted that the kind of thing you would expect to be a description of your 'typical anime shit' from the '80s somehow still manages to get made. Without exception, this show basically reinforces almost every possible negative trope of anime, and flaunts it.
This show makes me cry. It makes me want to hide under my blanket, knees tucked into my chest and rocking back and forth whilst sucking my thumb, hoping that when I finally emerge from below the pillowy comfort of quilted tranquility, the horrible creature will be gone from my view.
It never goes away. This show will be one of many that will haunt me to my grave.
Art & Animation
Overall, for the most part the artwork isn't that bad, and the animated sequences tend to be relatively neat. I think I wound up making more gifs for this show than any other, which says something about a show to be sure.
Honestly this is probably the best thing the show has going for it, above anything else. Characters that are cute tend to remain looking that way, making the whole show remain relatively consistent in its style and animation. If I had to criticize one thing though, it's that freaking tree. I mean holy crap can they have made that thing look any less realistic? I imagine they were probably working off of source material for that, but even so. I hate that freaking tree and its stupid leaves.
That said, I really have a hard time finding fault in their animations. The visual gags do tend to be pretty good, and they have some truly nice flailing around or panic animations that somehow manage to still make this show moderately entertaining, despite the fact that its actual content is completely and utterly deplorable.
Giving this one a solid B-. Not outstanding or amazing in terms of animation (they're no Trigger or Gainax), but it's still done fairly well.
Story & Plot
Where do I even begin.
No, seriously. Where do I begin with the clusterf**k that is Astarotte's plot. So the basic idea is a 'coming of age' story for a succubus. Okay, that sounds entertaining enough. But then they make her 13. That is already definitely skirting the edge, especially in the first episode they basically tell you they must drink splooge in order to survive. Literally. Oh but kissing is okay for like, a couple of years or something? Yeah that doesn't make this any less creepy because their goal right from the very start is trying to teach her that sucking on a trouser snake is the only way to live. Good wholesome values this is not attempting even in the slightest.
Oh but they want it to be funny. I'm sorry but sexual acts involving minors is never 'funny'. Nor is it amusing. Seeing people naked, fine, that I can see as being humorous. But when your entire plot is basically "find a man for this 13-year-old to suck off"? THAT IS NOT COOL. NOT. COOL.
But that's just the tip of this goddamn Titanic iceberg. Because of all the people they could find to fulfill this role is not only a man that is far too old for her, because eight years is a LOT at that age (or any age below 30 really), he is TECHNICALLY HER STEP-FATHER SORT OF. Because the one guy in the whole goddamn universe they find to take that spot quite literally diddled her mom and raised her SISTER. Yes. So you've got pedophilia, possible incest, and literal mother f***ing all in one neat little package.
But remember they want this to be FUNNY. Because nothing is more hilarious than an episode of Jerry Springer.
Wait I'm sorry, Jerry Springer actually has some form of redeeming social value. Astarotte does not. Except as a gauge of just how freaking low you can set your bar for humor.
Did I mention this show has an abundance of little girls naked? Because it seems to require that a LOT for some reason.
Oh and let's not forget that time when a bunch of little girls basically milked the maid half to death.
Needless to say, this show gets a solid F- for Story & Plot. If the characters were a slightly more acceptable age, this would have been a little less creepy, but then it returns immediately to creeper territory as soon as it is discovered that the main guy has, in fact, done her mother.
And yet he somehow falls in love with the bitch anyways. I AM SO DONE WITH THIS SECTION NOW.
Actually no I'm not. I'm just going to mention all the other stuff I could expand upon but am choosing not to such as nonsensical plot devices, the fact that another little girl's entire personality trait is "cute and forgets to wear panties". Or that the caretakers have no idea what the signs of puberty are for their charge. Or the fact that they somehow don't know WHAT A GODDAMN MOSQUITO IS. Or any of that other shit that one would think is important to LIVING IN THEIR WORLD. Or the horrendously shoe-horned and completely pointless subplot with the wolf boy. Or... well, basically half the goddamn show.
NOW I AM DONE WITH THIS SECTION AND I MEAN IT.
Music & SFX
I am sure that somebody spent a lot of time working on the audio for this show. By which I mean they probably performed it all in their sleep because thank god I can't remember what any of the music for this show was like, outside of it just being stupidly forgettable and irritatingly aggravating to listen to on a regular basis.
I think there may have been one or two times where the character's dialogue may have just caused me to giggle when they screamed or something, but aside from that I honestly can't remember a single goddamn thing about this show's audio, outside of that truly shittastic stage performance Asuha and Lotte did together. And that was a travesty at best.
I don't feel very bad in giving this category a flat D. While it didn't offend me too badly with one exception, it was also totally forgettable, and therefore had zero lasting impact upon me. Thank god for small miracles I suppose.
Character Design & Theming
As much as I might hate to admit it, the character designs in this show are actually pretty decent, and the characters are all visually memorable to some extent, with very distinct silhouettes. The colors used are pretty nice, and with the only problem I see being that they appear to have borrowed heavily from the style reminiscent of most Nippon-Ichi games, I can't find a whole lot of problems with their character designs. Most characters act as they appear to, the fighter-types look like fighters of their appropriate type, the servants are very servanty, so on and so forth.
Unfortunately, they are complete shit at the whole 'theme' thing. In fact they pretty much abandon all pretenses what with the Japanese culture being rampant in a world that seems to have had zero contact with Earth in THOUSANDS OF YEARS. And yet, modern day Japanese traditions? Still somehow a thing.
Plus there's the whole Norse-mythology basis for everything, which is completely abandoned with the exception of basically tearing names from stuff as they see fit. When you use Norse mythology to literally explain your entire setting, but never use any actual Nordic themes in your show? Yeah, that just doesn't work very well guys.
Therefore, this section gets a D+. While the characters are in fact memorable, and their designs somewhat iconic, the style is borrowed and the themes behind a lot of the world around them is completely ignored. Which is a shame, because I feel they could have done a bit more if they'd actually put some effort into that. But whatever.
Final Grade: D-
I am being incredibly generous. Incredibly generous. Given the absolutely abhorrent subject matter they had to work with, they really did try to distract you from the fact that you were watching a complete horrid piece of shit. Which is admirable, to say the least, and I have to give them props for having some seriously Tanuki-sized testacles to pull off such an attempt, by using cute designs to try making you forget all about the whole trying to break in a little girl at the ripe age of 13 and train her to basically become a world-class sex-loving monster to survive.
There are just so many things wrong with this show, so many downright deplorable aspects of this show that I just can't fathom how anyone ever thought this show could have been good. Everything about this show's story is just straight up f***ed right from the start. Worst of all, they keep flip-flopping on whether they're going to attack it straight or try to make fun of it or nope actually they were just joking about that thing from the beginning wait no they weren't they're going to play it straight again sorry.
While not the worst show I've seen, it's damn near close to it. But unfortunately, I can't really warrant giving it a lower score, as much as I would love to give it an F+. Because frankly, the fact that if you look at it purely from an animation standpoint... it's pretty good, and easily gif-able. And the character designs on their own are still pretty cool.
It's actually a real shame about the whole incest pedophilia reverse-reverse-reverse rape harem bullshit thing. Because it completely destroyed what might have actually been a somewhat surprisingly decent show. Instead, we get a show that completely defies all expectations of its utter horribleness, and quickly descends into the lower levels of hell itself in terms of the utterly reprehensible story and plot devices.
I would not wish this show on my worst enemy. I would not even wish this show on my close friends as a joke. I would only recommend this show to the perverts that find this kind of disgusting tripe 'awesome'. You know, the ones that love to watch little girls get naked and do fanservicey stuff. Because at it's core, that's all Astarotte no Omocha becomes - just one big exploitative anime focusing on a target demographic that frankly, should never have existed in the first place.
I look forward to never talking about this show ever again. Or even looking at it ever again. Or doing anything regarding this series EVER. AGAIN.
WE ARE DONE HERE. THIS SHOW SUCKS AND SHOULD BURN IN HELL.
THAT IS ALL.
I MEAN IT.
SERIOUSLY. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
I HATE THIS SHOW AND IF YOU LIKE IT YOU PROBABLY HAVE A WARM SEAT WAITING FOR YOU AT SATAN'S DINNER TABLE.
NOW GO DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN WATCHING THIS SHOW ALREADY BECAUSE CHRIST THIS IS MAKING MY BLOOD PRESSURE RISE JUST THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN.
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