Diabolik Lovers Episode 2 - A Worse Story than Twilight?

I have to say I am surprised at the amount of energy I've been unable to summon in the last few weeks. I must lead some sort of busy life or something that keeps me from doing things like watching bad animu and blogging about it on the interwebs.

Though in my defense, I've also been doing some other boring stuff in the background. Like making advertisements, that whole facebook page thing, playing around with the lovely folks at Project Wonderful (for the advertising, you know).

Like I said. Boring stuff.

Oh and then there was the computer upgrade, so I guess it's been rather productive, even if it doesn't appear to be the case. That said? Let's hop into something whose productive qualities are questionable at best.

Yes, I'm talking about Diabolik Lovers. Because boy oh boy, if last week's episode was any indication, we are in for a real treat folks.

So we finally get our opening for this show, and now I see why they decided to make that 3D chandelier. It's so they could spin it in the OP.

I feel your efforts may have been misplaced here fellas.

Some shots of the house, that girl waking up on a couch, walking down flower petal stairs, then creepers standinga round, something about goblets and wine and that rosary, and... yeah okay I'm just not feeling this one. Shit, even the band who did the audio for this song don't even seem that into it.

So after that incredibly boring intro, we get a shot of a much smaller chandelier that is, for some reason, not made in 3D. I guess consistency is Not A Thing in the production team or something.

Then a close up of some luggage, then we creep up to a mirror where a girl is sleeping in the reflection, and then we creep up to where she sits up and bed and checks her neck, thankful that she was never bitten.

Because vampires. But she doesn't remember changing her clothes, so that means someone either mind controlled her or saw her naked. Or maybe both who knows. Then we get to see all the boys in the house again in a flashback and she laments everything that has happened, and reinforces that she needs to get in touch with the Father. And that she hopes he comes back soon.

Which... doesn't make sense because I don't think he ever lived here? Whatever. So Clockwork Yosuke shows up to call her Little Bitch again, and comments on just how damn fine she look.

Dude you weren't even here five seconds ago,
get over yourself already.

But then that other asshole shows up to claim her as his property and shoves that dude away, and then we quickly realize that everyone is pretty much here for a party. In her room. Or something. Because privacy is a thing vampires give zero f***s about these days I guess.

So Reiji shows up and is like "yo, better hurry y'all gon' be late" and they're all just like, "uh, well, gee, this is maybe a little embarrassing."

Shut up Brosuke nobody cares.

So he tells the girl that she needs to get ready for school. But isn't it late for school? Well duh, you'll be going to NIGHT SCHOOL.

IT IS CALLED NIGHT SCHOOL FOR A REASON.

Anyway he goes on to say that just because she's some kind of mortal it's not like they can just let her run around during the day like some sorta REGULAR GIRL or anything. So she'll be acting like a vampire because they are vampire and screw whatever say you might have in this, you are literally just a flesh bag full of blood to these guys. They give approximately zero shits (with a 0.0001% margin of error) about what you think.

But then he goes "Well, if you have a problem with it you can leave any time."

WAIT WHAT. OH NOW SHE'S JUST ALLOWED TO CASUALLY F***ING LEAVE? WEREN'T YOU GUYS ALL "OH NO YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE HA HA HA HA HA WE BROKE YOUR PHONE AND DON'T HAVE ONE OF OUR OWN OR SOMETHING SO YOU ARE NOW FOREVER TRAAAAAAAPPED."

Seriously. Assholes.

It's the Hotel California. You can check out any time you like,
but you can never leaaave~

Reiji tells her to get the uniform on and hurry her bitch-ass up, and she complies because hey, what else you gonna do? And just as quickly as they appeared, they promptly vanish, and she looks at her Rosary and decides maybe she could try to get back into that room.

Dude, it has literally been LESS THAN TEN SECONDS!

Slamming the door in his face as he tries to offer to help her get dressed, she sighs because somehow, she knows the title screen is coming up next. Tell me if you can make sense of this.

EPISODE CLOCK!

Maybe they're trying to say this is episode 1:59. I dunno. Seems like kind of a bulky title to me, I'm just not feeling it.

Then there's a limo with everyone in it, and she's all "these guys are brothers right? So why do they hate each other and never talk?" Douchehead McFlareon starts calling her pancake, and she reminds the audience (and the vampires by extension) that she has a name after all! It's Yui. You know. In case you forgot. Like I did. I get the feeling that might actually be a reflexive reaction from my brain.

Of course he goes on to say he doesn't really give much of a damn what she thinks, and Reiji... says that one thing again.

YOU ARE IN A LIMO, THAT HARDLY MAKES SENSE HERE.

Oh and they've been kind enough to provide Yui... with cranberry juice? Which I guess is the 'best cure for weak blood'? Uh, what? I'm not sure what the hell you are trying to say there. In fact, I have no clue what you're trying to say.

Ah but he goes on to say that she just needs to understand that she's just food to them and... okay hold on. If she is just 'food' to you, and you're forcing her to drink Cranberry Juice every day, why are you taking her to school. Why does it even matter if she does or doesn't go? Because I'm pretty sure it doesn't actually matter at all.

At least there's no added sugar.

Then that one with the bear starts talking to his bear about how people act when they are scared... as if.. it had no idea? That doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, which I guess is actually par for the course with this entire show so far.

Okay dude. Seriously. How old are you like, 8?

Anyway the car finally shows up at the school and she is instructed that she'll be in the sam class as red and the one with the bear, and that she needs to be careful not to step out of line. Or. I dunno. Do anything I guess? So we get to the empty class where she stands there watching the kid laugh at his bear.

The one legit creepy vampire, and he's creepy not because he's a vampire but because he appears completely mentally unstable. Go figure.

Then there is a thing written on the blackboard.

The Home Economics. I don't even know what to say.

Having realized this, red takes her to a small room, and orders her to... make some takoyaki. Instead of going to their class I guess? But he's not taking any of that back talk, he's hungry for some damn takoyaki, to hell with him being a vampire!

I've been saying that since day one.

So now he eats the takoyaki, and he tells her not to worry about skipping class on the first day of school. And then they eat takoyaki together, she realizes she needs to get to her next class and needs to clean up, and of course, that dude isn't going to help her out at all. He's just gonna rock back and forth in his chair.

But then he suddenly shows up behind her all creepy-like and he's all "I've been holding it in since yesterday". Oh god. Are we really doing this now? Yes. Yes we are. He wants to do the neck bitey, and he's all "I'm gonna be your first" and then bites down on her.

Boy you look awfully concerned about that.

She shoves him off at one point and he calls her an idiot, and then goes "man, seeing you cry and bleed like that really turns me on" and all I can think is that these guys must have seen some really shitty vampire movies because these guys just don't really act like vampires to me. Just some guys that are really f***ed up in the head.

Then she asks him to please stop and he's all "as if" and shoves her down and continues, but then Reiji shows up and is like "dude, seriously? You better make sure she gets home." And then turns out the light as he leaves.

Now I guess they're back at home, or something, since she's lying on a couch, and she starts to freak out a little bit as he picks her up. No, I guess they are at a pool now, and he just... throws her in. Okay.

You realize she can't say anything underwater... right?
Or that she can't even hear you...?

So he tells her some things, and she tells him she can't swim, and then he has some kind of horrible flashback or something of someone doing the same thing to him I guess. And then he drowned. Or. Something. Eventually he realizes what an ass he's been or something and dives in to save the girl, and we also discover this pool is like, fifty feet deep or something. Oh, but the best part? It's when he kisses her underwater because she needs air. So these vampires need to breathe? Brilliant.

Technically a pool is a body of running water and you know vampires aren't supposed to have any power in those... right?

Screw it who cares they kiss underwater it is just like
that Twilight except better because it is anime am I right?

She opens her eyes and they kinda stare at one another, and instead of pulling her up for air? He bites down on her neck again and basically drowns her. Brilliant plan.

Eventually they do get back to the surface and he feels amazing. She doesn't though, and in fact feels pretty horrible, what with the almost drowning and the constant neck biting and blood draining, and he throws a towel on her head and walks away.

Now there's some green-haired chap in the woods, all looking Belmont-ish and staring at the manor, and Yui heads back to her room. Except it's not her room, it's that one place with all the books that was sealed up, and she finds the journal she was looking for. Except that now it is completely blank. Oh noes, what now.

Oh, we end the episode? Awesome. They needed some kind of cliffhanger I suppose considering I don't think anyone would even bother with watching the third episode at this rate.

Frankly, I wish I didn't have to watch it, but I'm gonna anyways. Because... I hate myself?

I have to consider whether this is better or worse than Twilight. I think I'm leaning towards 'worse'.

And that is bad.