The Qwasar of Stigmata Episode 05 - The White Lily Battleground

Hello there, Internet. I come to you from what might as well be a completely new computer. Being that the only thing left from the old box is the case, power supply, and hard drives.

After more than a year of doing this, and realizing that extracting some of those gifs were taking forever, I figure I am probably justified in this.

Besides, with this, now I can attempt to bring you horrible in TRUE HD*.

*This part is a blatant lie. But it sounds good.

Anyways, on with the show! In this case, Qwasar. Hope you like milk, because here goes nothing...

Butterflies, and a field of lilies. And a little Teresa is discovering them with some older sister lady. Whose... clothes begin to melt when a butterfly touches them? Okay.

Two seconds later, the older lady is totally naked and being molested.

By freaking butterflies.

Then the ghostly image of a man half forms... in the butterflies? From the butterflies? With the butterflies? I dunno. It doesn't even have a full lower body and it's all holding her down and shit, and all I can think is, "really, butterflies? F***ing butterflies brah, that's the best you could come up with?"

But I guess he goes from generic mcrapeface to some dude with an actual face and then Teresa wakes up from her rape memory dream and just calmly lets her clothes fall off. There's also a picture! I'm going to guess this character might be slightly important for only this episode.

Admittedly, Teresa was a cute little snot.

I guess it's time for the opening though, because it is totally mandatory they remind us this is a show about boobies and blood, and not feelings and character development. Unless that 'development' involves boobs, and their growth. Which I doubt is a thing. Is that a thing? It'll probably be a thing by the end of this train wreck.

Anyways, the show starts up for real this time at the school. Some class rep is whispering about handouts from last week or something, and of course bubblegum is all making fun of her and shit.

That doesn't make sense. Also. WHY WOULD YOU MORONS
VOTE HER CLASS REPRESENTATIVE IF YOU HATE HER.

Oh Japan. I just don't get you sometimes. Like, the times when you suggest a class of people might hate someone so much that they vote her into a position of supposed power and authority. Because if you're just going to ignore her anyways, what the hell is the point?

But of course, our main heroine decides enough is enough and tells everybody to shut the hell up so she can think or something. Clearly, this causes friction between her and the rich girl whose beef I still don't entirely understand, and think it has something to do with the fact that she is friends with someone who has bigger tits than her so clearly that makes them evil or something?

As you can imagine though, Aldebert Pasty-white speaks up and suddenly the entire class shuts the hell up. Because every time he does something it is SERIOUS BUSINESS YO. He calls her a terrible person and... I guess something was supposed to have happened there because instead of some resolution the next thing we see is a boat passing under a bridge.

Oh. Okay. It got bored of itself and went "BUT WAIT PLOT IS HAPPENING ELSEWHERE." So the entire point of that scene in the classroom... was what precisely? Nothing? Oh, okay. Just wanted to make sure, no, it's fine, keep going with your so-called plot. It's cool. I'll just sit here and wait for you to do something... actually I'll just sit here and wait for you to end. Continue.

Two guys are talking on a boat, one of them asking the other what he thinks of this place. To which  he replies it's kinda like something out of a fairy tale except... there are too many people and they need to cut that back? I'm pretty sure that considering this is the first time you've ever traveled to a place like this you don't get to decide what constitutes as 'too many people'. But just in case you've forgotten what the show is about, they clearly remind you what it is they are actually trying to do.

The Teriyaki of Twerkdom?

Whatever. They're here for a thing. But of course, that pesky Aladdin is going to be getting in their way, so they're kindly asking mister doucheface who is probably not a guy who rapes nuns to give them a handy. I mean a hand. Ah who am I kidding dude is probably asking for both the way this show runs.

The power is his penis.

Dude vanishes, and other dude begins to narrate to himself about how this guy is called Gas Chamber. Or Purifier Croa but one of those names makes more sense than the other. I'll let you decide which.

He goes on to say that he is also known as the Thrill Killer, and that he would totally be down with this guy turning the entire country into a gas chamber.

Wow, we have suddenly reached incredibly epic levels of pure evil and vitriol here. And you're supposedly a man of god? I'm having a hard time remembering which section of that said you should just kill an entire country of people on a whim. Which chapter was that exactly?

So remember that thing that happened last episode? Well, now what's her nuts is getting milked. With a breast pump.

No. I'm really not joking. That little gothic lolita chick is literally using a breast pump to milk the girl while she is reading a magazine. No, can't let her do it herself, nah, you've got to get that milk yourself. Oh, but they're going to play some light-hearted circus music while they do it because they want to remind you this is funny and you should be laughing.

You know they're just doing this all on purpose.

Anyway the girl gets bored and comes up with some kind of great idea. But because this show has forgotten to take its adderall, we get to see Father Starwind once more talking about things. In this case, Athos has confirmed that yet another new person has arrived to town. Can they just kill you all and end the show already? No of course not, that would be too easy.

So he orders Teresa and that her charge to go kill a bitch, and then as she walks away he's all dramatically asking shit like "Man if only you knew it was that guy from the beginning of this episode, what would you do?" Thereby ensuring that she will totally know it is that guy.

Cut to lunch time at the school. Where Sasha is throwing a hissy fit because he ate all the borscht last night, forcing them to resort to eating something *gasp* Japanese for a change. Also, I guess Borscht doesn't go into a lunch box very well or something? It's a friggin' soup so why would you...

Oh god is he going to do this all episode?

I don't know how long this guy has been going to school with these girls, but I'm going to guess that in the last two episodes that he has been living with them he has survived off of nothing more than what might have been left of his character.

Yes, because clearly being in Japan has no bearing on what
'common sense' dictates. Who even... forget it.

But he decides this food is amazingly good anyways, and proceeds to dig in with his hands.

Really dude, you're going apeshit over cucumbers?

So... I can't believe I'm saying this, but so touched is he by the 'homemade cucumbers' that he lets Cherrybomb pat him on the head and tell him she will make some borscht later.

Touched in the head maybe. They are literally just cucumber slices. Look at that shit! It takes no preparation at all. You just cut and store. And yet, they are the most amazing thing he has ever eaten in the world.

I hate this show. I just want you all to know that. I absolutely despise this show.

Anyway jumping back to that storyline with the one girl and the lolita master/slave relationship, she tells the nurse that she isn't feeling well, and the nurse is all "you just wanna ditch class right?" and she's all "yeah sure fine I guess" "okay cool, well have fun I'm gonna go not appear for the rest of this episode see ya". And then that kid shows up literally out of nowhere. I guess she's taken classes from Diabolik Lovers or some shit.

WHY IS ANY OF THIS EVEN NECESSARY.

So as she is trying to declare that she is not in fact a slave, the girl sticks a finger up in her and then licks it.

No, really. That's the kind of shit we are stooping to at this point. And then she goes on to say that shit we see in all of the sex doll slave hentai where they break the mind of the person, and seriously. This show? How did it even get aired with content like this? Again, I'd have no problems if this show were in fact a full on hentai. It would probably be one of the most amazingly produced series, all things considered. But the fact of the matter is, this is a thing that actually aired on television. And it wants us to take itself seriously. While fapping. Or... something. Also sexualizing 13-year-olds is totally a great thing.

God who writes this shit?

Anyway the goth doll tells her slave to get naked and lie on the bed so she can receive her master's pleasure "in a room where you can hear your classmate's voices".

Time to go to another scene, where Sasha and company are busy going to the church. But then Mafuyu heads off to the bathroom I guess, where we get to see Teresa trying to put her panties back on.

I hate this show. I really truly hate this show. KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING MAYBE? Ah but of course Sasha now has the same amazing teleport abilities and shows up to say that people are most unprepared when they are relieving themselves. And that Teresa should be more careful.

What the f**k dude. You are in what might as well be your home base. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be totally aware of everything all the time TY#_(FINF@ _OV#ht9 tg I'm not going to dwell on this completely idiotic bullshit because it will just make me incredibly mad. Mafuyu calls him inconsiderate, and Teresa goes out to look at some lilies.

While that's going on the rest of the group attempts to talk about her behind her back. Like where is she from anyways? And why is the protagonist such an irredeemable douchebag?

We get it you're a terrible person whatever.

Buuut leave it to Father Starwind to have all the answers. She's from a little place somewhere in central Europe. Nope, not even gonna bother naming it. Just someplace. Gotcha. Then we get some history about how a civil war after the cold war killed her entire family. Now jump to twelve years ago when she is at the orphanage with the other nuns and stuff.

... you know, I suddenly realize something is wrong here. Because, you see, the history doesn't match up. The Cold War ended in... 1991 according to wikipedia. I did not know that and probably should have. But whatever. So if the end of the Cold War caused a small country  in 'central Europe' to spiral into a civil war...

Yeah I still don't really buy it. It just doesn't seem to line up for me for some reason. But you know what? Whatever. The show can try and date itself, see if I care.

We find back in the past that little Teresa loved caring for the flowers and pretending that one chick was her real sister. Then some guys raid the church and... decide to kill all the nuns? Okay, that... doesn't make any sense at all without any sort of context and let's face it, the show just wants to show us a bunch of big-breasted hot nuns (because all the old or otherwise unattractive ones will just die off-screen) getting ravished and having their clothes torn off. All while little Tersa watches of course.

Oh but then that Gas Chamber dude shows up, and I immediately want to punch someone in the face.

Oh great. I bet his thing is that he can control Chlorine.

You know, I am having a very hard time believing that the world could go on where people can literally control a single element and NOT HAVE ANYBODY F***ING NOTICE THIS SHIT. Not without it greatly altering the course of human history. But whatever, he kills everyone with chlorine gas, but not while Sister Goodlove tries to say something to Teresa that nobody can hear.

.... and lived unhappily ever after.

Okay so the end of the story is that she came to this school to protect those two twits. Time to change scenes! Some dude is walking down the street! Who could it be?

First of all, no Japanese kid would ever say 'mum'. Secondly.
WHAT KID JUST BLURTS actually never mind.

Ah but now we're back to the girls all talking and shit. They want to 'get to know Teresa better'. But then it smells like the pool and Teresa clearly starts to have a freakout session. Oh and of course the one with big tits gets grabbed first.

I think you should really lay off the caffeine bro.

Sasha detects something is wrong, but hey, we've got to see those other two folks walking around town, with the loli laughing about something or other, but then a bell rings and she goes "oh, well shit, I guess I have something better to do". Then we go back to the action.

One of these days, she is going to learn that thing is
pretty much completely useless, right?

Anyway Mafuyu is all "yo girl, I'll keep this guy busy you go rescue Tomo right?" and then we see the fatal flaw in Father Starwind's plan: that there is absolutely no way she wouldn't know about this guy and is in fact paralyzed in fear because of that shit that happened before.

This isn't a case of not knowing this might happen. This is clearly something the Father knew about. And he chose not to tell her... because he's a dick?

Then Tomo gets groped and clothes get ripped off, and dude is all "yeah I heard this cow has some nice soma so I'll just have some myself I guess".

But then Teresa asks for the dead sister to grant her strength, and runs forward just to get lifted up by one hand. Great plan! Though Mafuyu throws a bag of slaked lime which... explodes or something and manages to free both of her friends I guess. The badguy attempts to kill them with... I dunno. A chlorine... blast or something? But it is mysteriously redirected, and Mafuyu is all "I WILL PROTECT YOU, AND ALSO MAKE YOU THINK OF ME AS THAT SISTER WHO DIED IN FRONT OF YOU, NO BIGS."

At this point Sasha shows up and they let each other know they know one another's names, and Sasha has to pretend to be the heartless badass that everyone is supposed to like and I swear to fucking god this show will make me vomit if I don't get to punch SOMEONE who had a part in writing this IN THE NUTS.

These are not characters. These are just human dolls being manipulated by horny twelve-year-olds who have never read anything in their life. These characters are so f***ing devoid of emotion, it is impossible to understand how this show could have gotten not just an ENTIRE SEASON, but an entire SECOND SEASON. Literally. It's impossible. I just. I can't wrap my head around this.

He tries to give some kind of 'rousing speech' about how Teresa is his partner, but it falls flat because he's just an asshole. "I don't give a f**k about your past, but you can't be weak shit because, well, I chose you as my partner and I don't want to think I maybe mad a bad call? So uh, stop being such a whiny bitch and stand there so I can suck your breast kay? Thanks."

But Teresa decides that the sister was trying to tell her something but we never find out what since there's NO AUDIO AT ALL and then she stands there and he calmly sucks her tit and everybody watches. Including the bad guy. No don't mind him, he'll just... kinda chill there. Yeah, don't forget he has been standing there for the last two f***ing minutes doing nothing. He'll wait.

Go ahead Sasha. Take your time. Oh, ready finally? Awesome. Time for the shitty fight scene where he talks about how iron and chlorine interact. Blah blah they react poorly whatever whatever nobody cares because the only people that understand chemistry ARE CLEARLY NOT EVEN WATCHING YOUR SHOW SO TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT SHIT TO YOUR AUDIENCE IS POINTLESS. ALSO ANNOYING STOP EXPLAINING SHIT THAT DOESN'T MATTER AND FOCUS ON SHIT THAT DOES AUUUUGH.

I hate when characters just tell you exactly what is going on. I understand sometimes it is necessary. It is not necessary to tell YOUR F***ING OPPONENT HOW TO DEFEAT YOU. Or what your schtick is. I hate hate HATE HATE HATE THIS. And yet, everyone is all "oh hey I do this thing lol".

Sasha. That is never an acceptable statement to make.
NEVER.

So out comes the scythe and the declaration he'll kill his opponent or something and then I guess he makes hydrochloric acid. Which I only know because... well.

WE GET IT STOP PRETENDING YOU ARE SUPER CLEVER.

Meanwhile at the back line, a shield just literally drops out of the sky and Teresa asks for Mafuyu to help her out with something or other. We get back to the fight with the Qwasars, and Mafuyu comes charging in and we discover the shield is made out of something other than iron, since it refuses to melt when splashed with hydrochloric acid. Woo hoo.

So Teresa kicks the shit out of the dude, then Sasha cuts him in half, he screams "impossibiru!" and explodes, the end. Time for the post-victory cry sequence. Oh, and that part where Sasha gets mad because someone made a copper shield and totally interfered and shit. I guess.

I hate this show I hate this show I hate this show I hate this
show I hate this show I hate this show I hate this show.

Oh and somehow Father Starwind gets up on the rooftop along with those other two, and he's all like "so yeah, it'd be great if you could help us out. Think you can do that? Thaaaaanks." And she's all "Eh, maybe."

Back at the mansion, they talk about the science of that shit Mafuyu did. And dude can't believe she didn't know the science that she did when she threw that bag of slime. And of course she gets mad at him for just standing there the whole time, and he tells her she is too loud, and Tomo is all like "man, this is seriously turning me on for some reason I just don't understand."

Seriously, she doesn't look that troubled by this.

But the doorbell rings, and Teresa decides she wants to move in. Which... I'm surprised she didn't do before? And also he is totally going to be sucking on her tits all day long. That's honestly what Mafuyu's takeaway is. Oh and he makes a comment to Mafuyu "You are like your breasts, small in capacity." How does that MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL?! More yelling and arguing and Teresa thinks this shit is hilarious and then we get to see the ghostly image of that girl who will never appear in this show again as she tells Teresa to "never forget your smile". END OF EPISODE. Except that oh my god they've changed the ending already.

Because this ending? IT IS LIKE A FREAKING MEMORIAL VIDEO OF TERESA'S LIFE. And some other shit that happened in this show. Because... I don't even know why. It's just come out of freaking nowhere. Did her supposed character development this episode really warrant HER OWN ENDING? Because I don't think so. I really don't.

I guess it makes more sense than spinning bath tubs but really-

Wait you're still not over?

Wait Mafuyu seriously walks in on Teresa taking a piss again?

She yells at her for not locking the door but you don't think to KNOCK FIRST?!

WHO THOUGHT ANYBODY WOULD STILL BE WATCHING AT THAT POINT OH MY CHRIST.

This. This right here. This is the laziest shit I've ever seen in an anime. They reused footage from the last four episodes to make that ending, and even some stuff from this episode. Then after that they reused an entire skit from earlier. They just recorded new dialogue.

I can't believe I am saying this, but I think this show might actually be worse than Kodomo no Jikan.

I'm not sure if I should be celebrating this fact, or if I should be summarily horrified by it.

I really f***ing hate this show.