Sailor Moon R Episode 31 - Our Feeling are the Same! Usagi and Mamoru in Love Once Again

The internet is truly a mysterious place. It fills us with equal parts wonder and sheer terror, makes us happy or disgusted, solves just as many problems as it creates, and teaches us as much as it distracts us.

Truly, the Internet is a marvel that we may never fully understand.

Kind of like how I'll probably never get 'social networking'. Seriously, knowing people? What are we living in the dark ages or something? What happened to the joy of letting computers do all of our work for us? I mean geez. Who talks to anybody these days?

I really don't know where I was going with this. Or why I'm musing on it. (Actually, that part's a lie.) Oh well. What's up for today? Sailor Moon? Okay. Let's hop to it then.

According to today's episode preview, Usagi dreams about getting married to Mamoru, makes a 'promise ring', and fights an Olympic Athlete.

... I don't even.

Our trainwreck today begins with, once again, Usagi being late to class. Sweet god, I get that this is a constant recurring thing, but it's one of those things they truly need to remind us of at the start of every three episodes? Well at least they're going to change it up today, with her running into Umino and Naru. You know, those two friends who've barely had any screentime this entire series? Yeah, sure hope you didn't forget about them over the last twenty episodes.

Give me ten minutes and my answer will be "NOPE".

Turns out today somehow Usagi managed to dodge a bullet though, as their homeroom teacher just didn't show up to class. So even their first class has now turned into a study hall. Great, so she is somehow off the hook because... I guess this school doesn't believe in substitute teachers. Or making sure students even come to school in the first place. Well.

Regardless, there's a more important thing going on: Naru asks Umino for "that thing" back. She will "finish it properly" and then give it back to him. So if that's the case why did you even bother giving it to him in the first place...?

Last time I checked it wasn't a string of beads.

Seems like Naru has finally decided to do something to show a sign of affection outside of just being seen in the same general vicinity of some other guy, and made him a Promise Ring. Which Usagi misunderstands as "Pro Wrestling", and... well. Then it goes all Family Guy on us.

Just throw in Peter Griffin laughing and you're good.

But that's not the weirdest part of this whole scenario.

Oh. Good. God.

Allow me to pause here for a moment in an attempt to make some sense here. Because, you see, I try to do research into these things. Why? For posterity's sake, and so that I can actually say "BITCH I KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE SEARCH DO YOU?" It's a thing I like to do. Anyway, I've tried to look up the whole thing about Japanese 'promise rings', and discovered an interesting little tidbit: there are 'promise rings', and then there are 'couple's rings', which are two very different, yet kind of similar things here.

Let me explain: See, a promise ring is exactly what you would expect: it is an actual ring that one wears, usually given by the male, and is a significant statement, saying that he promises to someday marry the other girl. Which makes perfect sense, since that's kinda like what we do in the US. Okay, fine. A 'couple's ring', however, tends to also be a ring, and is described by the internet as being "kinda like a best friends necklace", and usually winds up being something simple like just a silver band. Some places say they're basically the same thing, others don't... it's confusing as hell. But here's the takeaway:

Nowhere did I look was anyone talking about hand-made friggin' necklaces. Therefore, I must conclude that the people who made this show have no actual CLUE what they are talking about.

Which is incredibly surprising to me because this is a show about middle-school girls that seems to have absolutely no clue how middle school girls act. DESPITE HAVING A STAFF WITH A CONSIDERABLE NUMBER OF WOMEN WORKING ON IT.

NO SHIT.

Cue the freaking title slide already!

It gets better though. Or worse really. I'll let you be the judge here.

That is not a promise ring. Not even close.

Okay. Those? I know what those are. Well, sort of. Because we also have them and they too are relatively popular in the US. Or... they were at one point. Whatever. They are bracelets. You hand-weave them, and give them to someone significant, usually a friend, or in some cases someone that's a little more than a friend. Cool. I would love to chalk this up to simply a translation error, except that is completely impossible. Why? BECAUSE OF THE PRO WRESTLING JOKE.

There is absolutely NO WAY this can be in any manner misunderstood as a translation slip-up. They actually say Promise Ring. Which is very close to 'pro wrestling' and the only thing that would make sense. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE THAT YOU CANNOT EVEN UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN CULTURE?!

So Umino explains: you make them one knot at a time while making your wish to it, and then you tie it around your wrist or ankle. You know, like we did back in middle school. I dunno about you but things like this were crazy popular in the 80's and 90's, so to me this makes sense. Except for the part where they call them FRIGGIN' PROMISE RINGS. SERIOUSLY HOW CAN YOU FAIL SO BADLY AT THIS SHOW.

Anyway when the stupid thing finally snaps your wish is supposed to come true or something. Which doesn't make any sense at all, why even call it a promise ring? It should be called a WISH RING. Because you are making wishes on them, not a goddamn promise! Start making some sense already for crying out loud!!

Supposedly these things are 'super popular nationwide' and of course everybody is wearing them. Except for Usagi who slept through the NATIONWIDE CRAZE SWEEPING THROUGHOUT JAPAN'S MIDDLE SCHOOLS. Somehow, Usagi managed to miss that everybody in class has been spending their spare time making these things. I realize that she isn't the brightest lump of coal in the bucket, but my GOD. She seems to miss literally everything that isn't eating food or sleeping in class.

Ah but of course, there's more.

But of course they have a store for this shit.

Of course. Why am I surprised? Seriously. Why am I surprised. Of course there would be a store that sells nothing but colored string and teaches you to tie simple knots. Of course. Because why wouldn't a store like that ever manage to make business in Japan of all places? I mean, these people give away free weddings for god's sake. So why the heck not this too?

Ah, of course they also sell all of the accessories. Sewing supplies, books, leather strings... beads... wait. I'm sorry, I thought these were simple bands of cloth? Now you're telling me it's not?

But the real lesson here is that, and you guessed it: There's a rumor that if you make one for your boyfriend and give it to them then you'll stay together forever. Because there always is.

So not wanting to be shown up by the redhead with a short temper and the creepy nerd with coke bottle glasses, Usagi has a flashback of Mamoru yelling at her and her crying about them supposed to have been together forever, and she walks home while birds chirp and shit.

Then Ami and Mako show up and see her all depressed and tell her to cheer the hell up. Which makes her consider going to the promise ring store, but who should cross their path but a wild Mamoru, who appears sullen and despondent as usual.

But when Usagi trips and falls, who is suddenly all showing concern and shit? Yeah, it's that guy. But he's not allowed to show her that. He tries to walk away but she's all "dude, seriously, I don't know what's up and I just don't get it, this whole you not being into me thing, so would you mind telling me exactly why it is that you hate my guts because I'm sort of blonde and just don't understand rejection".

Hate to break it to you, but he has not only given you up,
let you down, run around and deserted you. He's also
let you cry, said goodbye, told you lies and hurt you.

So after she begs him to explain, he turns around with the weepiest tears in his eyes, and tells her that he is just being selfish and that she should forgive him for it. Then walks off.

How can you possibly get mad at that face? He's like a puppy.

Having left her in the dust yet again, the girl cries, and then we get to see someplace new for a change! I'm going to call it the Dark Garden. Because that's pretty much their motif by this point right?

Welcome to Dark Garden, home of the Dark Pool,
please hate your stay here.

This is Esmeraude's domain, and she enjoys sipping wine while purple petals fall around her, and she determines where the next Dark Point is: some kind of weird-looking skyscraper I guess. So she hits it with a statutette and summons Droid Udering.

Wait. Udering? Don't tell me that's-

Yeah that's actually her name.

Admittedly, it is a pretty cool appearance scene, and very dynamic. I imagine they had a lot of fun drawing it. It's just a shame that the design is so very boring and uninspired, and is basically "woman wearing some other ethnicity's clothes". But I'll give them credit for at least making this one seem like she has kind of a personality based on appearance alone, but how is this going to fit in with our theme, exactly?

Whatever, she tells her minion that the city is suffocating and she should go do a thing, so she goes to do a thing while the boss lady starts having some questionable thoughts.

She comes on as strong as a Dodge Ram Dakota.

So she floats there for a moment talking about wanting to... bury her face in his arms.... and the scene fades to black with me having to ask myself: is she really just floating in the air, above a busy Tokyo street, daydreaming about a man? Holy crap that is just a little bit disturbing to me for some reason.

But leave it up to our girls to arrive at "Mirage Mansion". You know, that place where a monster was just released. If you don't know where the rest of the episode is going by this point, then boy are you in for a surprise. Also, you've clearly never watched this show before. Because we are right back to that good ol' monster a day formula where they take just randomly pick an object out of a hat and go "this is what our episode is about, so we will make an enemy that has something to do with this theme regardless of how contrived it might appear because our viewers are idiots."

There are shows that manage to do stuff like this well. GARO was a great example of that, a dark, gritty Tokusatsu show where, of all things, there was an episode with a monster born from manhole covers. By the way, that's also one of my FAVORITE episodes. I mention this because in that case, these things make sense since the monster was created from the passions of the guy who was possessed. It made sense because the monster had no form prior to being released.

But in this show? Every single monster already has a form. Has a name. Yet they always seem to show up at places where they would somehow make sense but only in that context which makes no sense because holy crap lots of these things are USELESS. So either they just make a lot of useless shit and hope for the best (a terrible plan), or magic is bullshit.

I'm really not sure which is the better alternative here. I'll stop sidetracking and get back to the point: This show.

She barely knows what to eat for lunch much less
knowing what will make her happy.

So Makoto there tries to give her some advice about believing in stupid things makes you feel better, which is a thing she read in a book somewhere. First of all I'm surprised that she's ever managed to read a book considering she's about as smart as the girl she's talking to but whatever. This helps I guess, and Usagi gets a bunch of stuff to get started making promise rings and heads into the class. Who's also there? Naru and Umino.

In five minutes I will be knocking out the class for Evil
Reasons, so make sure you don't miss out on that!

It's pretty obvious this is our villain. My question is, why is she even bothering with this? What is the point? Just none of this makes any sense at all. But okay, whatever. She's going to tell Usagi how to make this shit anyways, and we're going to watch her fail at this over and over. But then class ends like, thirty seconds later, and everyone gets sent home. Having sent them all away, she does the the transformation thing again, and reveals her super evil plan of evil.

Wait, are you Indian or Native American? I can't tell.

So basically having corrupted everyone it will increase the dark power and the Dark Henge grows and so on and so forth. But Usagi falls asleep without being able to finish hers, and Chibi-usa watches as she sleeps. Then we get the dream where Usagi gets married to that guy who constantly disappoints her at every turn.

Except for all of those times I already let you go. And
tried to kill you. Or straight up ignored you.

Wedding music plays, kiss happens, and then EXPLOSIONS. CREEPY VOICE TELLING MAMORU NOT TO GET CLOSE TO HER. NOW WE ARE IN MAMORU'S DREAM. IF HE GETS CLOSE SHE WILL BE FILLED WITH MISFORTUNE.

Oh wait no that actually was still Usagi's dream, and she wonders just what the hell is going on. She picks up a picture frame of them together, and it cracks, which can only mean evil things. Then there's a commercial break.

When the show returns Usagi is politely knocking loudly on Mamoru's door at some 'ungodly hour' to ask him something.

The one where you go away and are never seen again?
All the freaking time.

But of course he is surprised, and Luna and Chibi-usa kind of follow. Inside, the two talk about this weird crazy dream, and she decides that she doesn't care what the dream says, she still wants to be with him anyway. Of course it is revealed that this is the reason for him acting like a complete dick towards her. At least, more of a dick than usual. Whatever. Mamoru goes on to make an incredibly astute observation.

Recurring nightmares where you are separated from
a girl you maybe don't even like?

Yeah, it's not a normal dream, it's a prophecy from the future. According to him.

Whoa wait I'm sorry WHAT.

Um. Did Usagi seriously just suggest a suicide pact with Mamoru? Because... that seems to me to be how this plays out. They both believe that being together will literally be the death of them. And she is saying she doesn't mind dying with him.

Holy shit Japan. Pretty sure you were supposed to be sensitive to this shit even back in the early 90's. How did this ever get aired?!

But it seems like Mamoru is still trying to keep his shit together, says they are just not meant to be with one another, shoves her out and slams the door in her face. Yeah, that'll teach her. Maybe this time she will finally get the message that you really just don't want to be with her.

What part of THIS IS WHAT HE WANTS IS SO HARD
FOR YOU TO COMPREHEND?!

She continues to bang loudly at his door and scream at him how no matter what, even if the earth blows up, even if the rivers run red with blood, even if hell itself rises and devours everybody's souls, she doesn't care so long as she is with him.

People? This is not what one would EVER consider a healthy relationship. This is some straight up creepy mental health related crazytown bullshit. 

Yeah seriously just consider he might not be that into you.

Eventually she finally gives up and just sinks to the floor crying, and does wind up coming out of the apartment building, just in time to see Chibi-usa being attacked by an evil charm bracelet.

I dunno about you but I find this pretty hilarious for some reason.

But Luna goes in for the safe and gets the bracelet off the kid, and Usagi realizes this is an Evil Thing. So she's off to be Sailor Moon to save all of the people at... uh.

Really, that's the best name you could... oh forget it.

So almost everyone in Ami's cram school class is screaming, and she sends out the SOS to all of the other girls, wherever they may be.

Hel-lo Mina.

The animation takes a dramatic leap forward for half a second thanks to a dramatic pan, but then we get shunted right back into stock animation territory as Sailor Moon transforms. Then we get millions and millions of speed lines as Udaring does her thing. But Sailor Moon shows up to yell at her for her unforgivable deeds, and she'll be punished for this.

Let's just cut to the fight that's why everyone is here right?

Uh, what?

So Udaring, amazingly enough, attacks with giant glowing rings of magical blue death. Yeah. Completely original there guys. Oh but it turns red for the 'two-ring' attack, which is a 'heart pattern'? I'm not following this at all, I'm just going to assume it has to do with those stupid bracelet things. Also, it inspires this completely delusional comeback:

NO YOU DO NOT!!!

But before the next attack can be made, Tuxedo Dickwad shows up and states that he is mad that she's betrayed such trust. But in a strange reversal, for the first time ever it is Tuxedo Mask who gets saved, and it's by the most useless member of all: Sailor Mercury! Who I guess has the power to freeze things now. How novel! I'm sure they'll forget she can do that by the next episode, because now Mercury and Moon are running from the next attack.

Suddenly Mars shows up and fires fire, and Udaring, no shit, calls up her ultimate attack.

They're not even trying to hide what they're doing here.
They've even used the entire rainbow.

Jupiter and Venus show up to save the day however, and block the next attack, and six on one is just no fair. But without even doing any more fighting, they all just stand around while Sailor Moon goes to do her thing because everybody gets their stock footage played today.

Literally, everyone. The monster is sealed, the people return to normal, and the Dark Henge thing is destroyed. Esmeraude shows up to yell at them, and tell them her evil plans. About how the Dark Gate will open and then Tokyo is screwed and Godzilla attacks and how the hell did Chibi-usa suddenly show up again!?

SERIOUSLY WHERE THE HELL DID SHE JUST COME FROM?!

I had to skip back to double-check. In the time between the monster being sealed and Esmeraude showing up, Chibi-usa just literally appears, with the CATS, out of freaking nowhere. Like, I guess they were sealing the monster and she just toddled along? Way to look after her Luna! Proving once again that you are completely useless to the team.

Also, whatever happened to that stupid Luna P? Geez.

Anyways evil things will happen, the future will be destroyed, she laughs a lot and then vanishes, and Tuxedo Mask is all like "Yo, in the interest of saving the future? We gotta do whatever we can to stop that shit. So uh... let's just keep fighting together I guess? I'm gonna go jump off the building now, later."

But the other girls tell Sailor Moon that she should run after him. So, she does just that. Except as Usagi instead of Sailor Moon. And everyone wishes her luck off-screen as she spends the next thirty seconds running to some place where she just magically knows where he's waiting for her under the moonlight, and runs into his arms. Suddenly, they've decided to hell with all of our previous motivations, let's get back to our roots and kiss a girl that is seven years younger than me. I mean sure I'm in college and she's like, fourteen but who cares? TRUE LOOOOOVE. Roll the credits.

Look guys. You had some pretty good stuff going there, but you absolutely butchered it with this writing. Worse yet, you've now just set up some incredibly frightening expectations for your audience who, as I may need to remind you, are girls who don't quite understand how this love shit is supposed to work.

Things I've learned from this episode: When he says 'no I don't like you go away', he really means "I secretly desire you and cannot live without you." And if he keeps insisting that he wants nothing to do with you? It really means he wants you more.

The flip-flopping of Mamoru's character doesn't help here at all. It just reinforces this even more, and all I can think of is that if the roles were reversed? Holy shit that is mega-creeper territory.

So in the end, what did we learn from Sailor Moon today? That it's okay for girls to be creepy, obsessive psycho stalkers, because if they do it long enough? The man will eventually cave in to her desires.

... WHAT WORLD DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE ON?!?!