Sailor Moon R Episode 32 - Venus Minako's Nurse Mayhem

I've got to say, transitioning from Windows Vista to Windows 7 (yeah laugh all you want about being 'behind the curve', I prefer shit that works thank you very much) has gone a lot more smoothly than anticipated. Sure, it hasn't been perfect, and of course some stuff got lost because I was dumb, but overall, I'm pretty impressed.

Sure, there's some stuff I'll miss dearly, like the digital clock I had on the desktop. Man that thing looked nice. I do like how everything just works a lot faster though. Or how I don't have to wait three minutes to use my mouse after waking the computer from it's slumber. That's always a swell bonus.

Why am I going on about this? Well, other than the fact that, y'know, this is kind of my blog and I can say what I want, I also wanted to point out just what a nice sort of guy I can be. Because amidst all the screams of anguish and cries of rage, it can be pretty easy to forget that I am, at heart, a pretty genuinely easy-going sort of guy.

... yeah, it's time for some more Sailor Moon. Alright, play me in with your annoying alluring theme song that will never ever leave my brain no matter what and I am kind of okay with that but it's really just a shame that the show cannot live up to your incredibly amazing potential theme song that will never ever change and OH GOD WHY AM I RAMBLING ALREADY START THE SHOW QUICK.

Today's episode is all about colds. And everybody being sick with one. And it being the fault of, yeah, you already know the answer. It's those evil dudes running around. Great.

But when the episode does start, it's at the shopping district around what I can only guess is Christmas time, what with all the decorations abound and people wearing flu masks. Because I geuss they're having a super nasty flu virus going around. How bad? Well, it's closed several schools so-

Oh god damn it.

She refers to it as a cold. But the news people clearly indicate that it is, in fact, a strain of the flu. Why. Why do you do this to yourself? Why? The cold is not a virus. The common cold is just a general illness. The flu? That is a goddamn virus. But let's stop harping on this... continue.

So after laughing about how all these stupid humans should just get sick already, Mina happens to be wandering around town talking to herself about how everyone... is getting a cold. Even though it is clearly the flu. Whatever...

Yes because you are so good at the whole 'love' thing.

Cue the title slide. The utterly ridiculous, completely stupid, incredibly inexcusably moronic title slide.

I mean, come on. They're not fitting to any of their conventions at this point. They're not even making title slides that make sense. That is literally just a bunch of words strung together.

... let's continue before my head flies out the window from all the shaking back and forth in shame it is doing.

We discover that even Rei and Makoto are sick, though Mako is not so bad off, but isn't going to be doing anything too exciting. She also reveals that hey, even Usagi and Ami are down. The only one still up and about...

...is the only person more abusive towards cats than
even the title character for the show.

It's around that time Mako decides to hang up, since she knows exactly what her friend is in for, if the giant mess left behind is any sort of indication. Rei isn't the first victim. And she probably won't be the last either.

As evidenced by the other two lumps on his skull.

Artemis reveals that Mina has been going around giving her friends the worst porridge in the world. But don't worry, she assures her bestie that she totally didn't screw up this time. She means it.

After about thirty seconds of buildup, we get to see what that porridge is like.

THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVAAAAAAR!

Eventually Rei passes out, Mina freaks out, and Artemis discovers that the reason is because she put too much salt  in the porridge.

I guess she can't tell the difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon. Or a spoon and an entire box of salt. Who's counting?

That just doesn't even cover it.

Rei can't even pass out in peace as when Mina attempts to clean up, she pours everything all over her friend, who just desperately wants to sleep this fever off. Oh the hilarity. So of course now she has to change the blankets and I think you can see where this is going. An escalation of the highest magnitude, which won't stop until the entire shrine is on fire because Mina just wants her friend to stay warm.

Oh hey look at that clever little segue set-up.

Shame they don't actually segue here. Instead now we get to see Mina continue to be a pain in the ass, because after remaking the bed she decides to put on some music for Rei. Except that somehow, she can't even figure out how to operate a cassette player. My god, how did she ever manage to live before?

How this is even possible I just...

Eventually, Rei explodes again and chases the girl out, who winds up back at the shopping district. So that means it is time for her to make one final trip: Usagi's place, to care for her best friend, and her entire family.

You mean from you, right?

Finally we get to see Esmeraude again talking about how awesome this plan is working, and how well the tacky crystal seems to be growing. But it's only twenty seconds before we get to Usagi being told to watch out for Minako, who has already hit the rest of the girls' places. But hey, sick Usagi has enough to worry about. Like a suicidal eight-year-old, for example.

Seriously how do you even.

At least she has an excuse I guess, I mean, the kid genuinely just wants to help out. And given her age, well it makes sense right? She is only like, eight years old. So it makes perfect sense that she'd want to help out with the cooking and the cleaning and be completely horrible at it but still wanting to help out anyway because... well, that's the kind of kid I guess that she is.

Just as Usagi is wishing that someone would show up to play with Chibi-usa and keep her busy, guess who shows up?

Oh yeah. It's Minako. All dramatic and shit and ripping off of Tuxedo Mask and somehow leaping like, fifteen feet into the air while she's at it. Isn't anime great sometimes?

Ah but Usagi, she is a master of this whole getting other people to do things for her thing. She knows that she needs to keep this girl as far away from her as possible, so she asks her friend to babysit the kid, and then plays up on her illness. Why, don't worry, it's almost gone, she means it, she just needs some rest and boy wouldn't it be swell if you'd just take this kid off my hands so I don't have to deal with her for an entire day.

The plan works, and finally Usagi is able to get some peaceful rest. Even Luna is sick, much to Artemis' distress. That is, until something far more distressing appears.

Yes. Their horrible powers combine, and together, they are...

They are the worst thing that could ever happen to a person.

Let me just make one thing perfectly clear. That thermometer getting shoved into her mouth? That my friends is Luna P. That thing which seems to have been mysteriously absent for the last couple of episodes finally returns. That thing which turns into poison. Or a hammer. Or opens the timegate whatever. Or does all that other stuff. It's that thing.

I do not have high hopes for the rest of this episode. I really do not.

So it doesn't take very long before Minako literally throws the damn thing out a window. Breaking the window. Letting the cold in. And yeah. Even Chibi-usa realizes she is suddenly in some super deep shit. So what does Usagi plan to do in order to keep her from being fed horrible porridge or subjected to eardrum-shattering music? Why, redirect them to check on her mother instead! That'll do the trick.

This is literally the entire episode isn't it oh god.

So let's cut to the montage of them basically destroying the entire household. And her mom figures that she's going to take a nap and then fix all this crap. And then Usagi passes out because she looks dizzy or something, and we get the commercial break. Okay. Not so bad I suppose.

After the break we get to see that dream sequence where Usagi is spending Christmas with Mamoru over a candlelit dinner, and then suddenly as they are about to kiss GIANT AMI APPEARS TO REMIND THEM THEY ARE TOTALLY IN JUNIOR HIGH AND THIS CONSTITUTES AS A BAD TOUCH BECAUSE BRO IS IN COLLEGE AND THAT IS SOME SUPER SICK SHIT MAN.

I wholeheartedly agree with Giant Rei.

So Giant Everyone yells at her, Mamoru falls into the abyss, and as she feels herself being set ablaze, she wakes up to find Minako actually doing something useful, trying to change the towel on her forehead. Aw, how nice. So they have a touching moment where Minako tells her that Usagi that she is caring for her because she finds Usagi very important to her. Not because she's the princess or anything like that, but because, well, she just feels better when she's around.

Well, I've heard worse explanations I guess. I'll give it a pass. This is what we call "character development".

That is, until Chibi-usa wakes up and we veer totally into uncharted territory.

What the f**k are you talking about.

Did I miss something somewhere along the line? Did I miss like, an entire five minutes of this episode where the hospital is EVER mentioned?! But hey, that's fine. Usagi says she feels way better and she'll be just fine so... they can go to the... hospital.

... yeah that really doesn't seem logical to me at all. Especially not the part where you take an eight-year-old to go with you.

So now that we cut over to the hospital, we get to see that it has been completely overtaken by the evil... evilness, and our monster of the day's name is Pharmakon.

God I wish I was joking about this.

On the bright side, at least Esmeraude is fashionable as hell.

The entire evil plot thus far is that they've been giving "Dark Power pills and injections" to people. Wait a second. Why is she talking as if this is a thing she hasn't been doing all along, when the episode is telling us that this is exactly what they've been doing in the background while nobody noticed? Also, why is Esmeraude's wardrobe changing suddenly?

Pink boa? Different glasses? WHAT IS GOING ON.

Okay, so it turns out that was actually just her fan, but that just... my god that is way too confusing. Whatever. So Tweedledee and Tweedledum make their way to the hospital, only to discover that nobody seems to be around. Gee, how mysterious. Especially given the fact that you are here for what appears to be NO REASON AT ALL.

I guess they are here to get medicine, though you don't normally go to the hospital for that, right? You go to a pharmacy? Which would honestly make more sense? Oh who am I kidding, trying to make sense of this mess at this point is the dumbest thing I could try to be doing. So Chibi-usa goes running around to see if she can find someone, and Esmeraude after what I can only assume is ANOTHER fashion makeover is about as confused as I am.

Seriously how many times are you gonna change outfits today.

Moments later Chibi-usa busts in, demanding medication for all of the sick people who are already sick. But sure, she'll give her some medicine after a free flu vaccine. But the kid is terrified by needles, and starts screaming as she's held down, which of course reveals her identity as being that girl they were supposed to kill but somehow keep managing to screw up.

All of the girls realize what's up and about to go down, but Venus is the closest so she's the only one who'll get a transformation sequence.

SERIOUSLY STOP CHANGING CLOTHES BETWEEN CUTS!

Of course this is the part of the show where they are all "ha you will never stop me and my evil plan go do your thing lady who turns into a monster" and then the lady turns into a monster that will inevitably die in the next two minutes. So what's Pharmakon's true form, you ask?

Sadly one of the most badass designs to come out of
this show for awhile.

So Sailor Venus shows up moments later and talks about how she will "Call down the judgment of love". Wow. At least it's better than the usual line of "I will punish you!" or "I won't forgive you!" or, you know. The usual stuff Sailor Moon says. I mean, "Call down the judgment of love" is actually kinda badass when you think about it. Why is Mina not the main character again? Oh, right, because she's not a princess. I mean, she only went traveling the world to fight evil, teamed up with the goddamn United Nations to beat up evil crime syndicates, and became a literal symbol of love and justice by beating the hell out of badguys. I mean, it's not like she was born into royalty or anything like some other people so clearly she has no reason to actually be main character material.

I mean my god. What if the show had centered around her? Hell, she even manages to bullshit her way through Esmeraude's complete lack of understanding of the situation, and plays this off as her having known about her super evil plan that you totally just told her and she didn't know five seconds ago but now she does as having been a thing that she really knew the entire time! My god, she is so much more competent a heroine than Sailor Moon EVER was. Why is she NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER?!

Yeah but it's kinda badass how she makes the villain lose
their shit like that because god can she lie.

Though at this point Pharmakon is supposed to make with the killing and we immediately cut to outside where all the girls are slowly making their way to the hospital to uh, sneeze on their opponents. Or something. Oh look Venus is trying to kick some ass. She finally gets screen time, that never happen- oh. She fires her syringes at people? And she just pinned Venus to the wall? Oh. Well. So much for that then. How will she get out of this, you ask? Will the other girls make it in time to keep Chibi-usa from being skewered with a giant syringe?

Come on have you ever watched this show before? You know how this shit works.

You should have been expecting this all along.

Tuxedo Asshole shows up to talk about how shitty it is they've turned a hospital into this crap. So then Jupiter, Mercury, and those other two show up. But those other two don't get to attack I guess. Whatever. They claim to be strong enough to beat this shit up, and then Mars gets to attack, and of course they'll end with... Sailor Moon almost passing out due to her fever. Well, it's a good thing their foe will just kind of stand there while they spend the next minute and a half hashing this crap out.

It's not like self-preservation means anything, I mean you are just a monster of the day. Your health benefits won't be kicking in before your untimely demise anyways. So, y'know. Might as well just sit around and wait for the end, right?

Holy crap did he actually say that he LOVES her?!

This is the 78th episode of Sailor Moon. THE SEVENTY-EIGHTH. And it has taken this long, this freaking long for him to actually say on screen THAT HE LOVES HER.

My god. Is the universe coming to an end? Are pigs starting to fly? Holy crap.

But this is enough to give her the strength to summon up the last of that stock footage so she can do the spinny twirly dancing thing and get rid of this monster for good. You know, the one that's just been standing there this entire time. The monster turned to dust, they all turn to their friend who is quite the person in need right now.

She looks way too happy about this.

They all laugh at her expense, the Dark Henge shatters, and our villain laughs and vanishes after cursing. Then we get the ending of this episode where it is discovered that now Mina and Artemis are the ones sick (much to Luna's relief since it means Artemis isn't an idiot [Japanese thing: An idiot is someone too stupid to catch a cold]), and a good laugh is had at their expense. Also, it lets them get away with visual gags like this:

You know. Because opposite sides and all that.

For the record the food is horrible. But like she'll ever admit that. But when Chibi-usa tries to make her contribution, of course they butt heads, and then Mina gets another famous quote wrong, and the audience laughs, and the episode ends.

While far from the worst episode to date? My god, it definitely wins awards for worst writing. It's nice to see what the show could have been like if someone slightly more competent would have been in charge of things, but holy crap. This episode just falls apart at the seams as soon as you get the ball rolling. It's got some pretty neat things in it, but it doesn't cover the gaping plot holes the size of texas-shaped asteroids.

On the plus side? At least this episode isn't teaching children questionable morals, or providing a terrible role model to follow. Because as a whole? Mina actually makes a decent one.

Unlike Usagi.

I would like this show a whole lot more if it were only this bad on a regular basis.