Sailor Moon R Episode 33 - Artemis' Adventure! The Evil Animal Kingdom

After the absolute mess that was last week's episode, and the week before that, I honestly don't know what more this show can do to sink to new depths of sheer "WWYDT" territory.

Actually, that's a bold-faced lie. I know exactly what they could do to make it even more horrible. And what they will do. So I should take back my original statement and try saying it a different way: I don't know what this show can do to legitimately surprise me and thus make the show sink to even further levels of "WWYDT".

And with every passing episode, I shudder to think that we are inching ever closer to the big 'twist' that is coming up.

Oh god. If I keep thinking about it too hard I'm gonna hurl. Let's just get on with it already.

So what angle are they going to hit us from this time? Are the evil people going to take over a laundromat or something? They've already done cake store, ice cream stall, freaking cosmetics store, what else can they make evil?

F**k. You. F**K. YOU.

You can't see my face right now. You cannot see how, two seconds into the episode overview, that thing where they tell you what happens before it happens so that you're never surprised at what does inevitably happen, just how goddamn ANGRY this makes me. Let me put it to you this way:

I haven't even watched this episode and already it's right up there alongside that episode where Ali and En were going after little kids. Yeah. As if little kids weren't bad enough? Now they have to bring the pound animals into it. Abandoned dogs and cats.

F**k you. F**k you with something long, and hard, and sandpapery. F**k you.

"In the name of the humane society, Sailor Moon will punish you!"

An actual quote. An actual. Freaking. Quote.

I'm trying to decide. Would PETA be for or against this episode? And would it be a good thing or bad thing? Because if there is one thing I've learned over the Internet, it's that those assholes are crazy as shit.

Possibly crazier than me? Now that's a debate for another day.

The episode begins in a kitchen, and Artemis getting chased out of it for being a "thieving cat". Stop me if you've seen a movie similar to this before.

Italian restaurants in Japan have sure gone downhill.

Why is Artemis even in a restaurant stealing food to begin with? What, did his rich brainless dolt of a master suddenly forget that she has enough cash to probably buy her own pet food factory? Is she too cheap to just buy him fish at the supermarket? Even more, why is he choosing to go into a restaurant when there are far easier places to steal food from as a cat with his intelligence?!

Anyway he winds up on Usagi's bed, talking to the one that really wears the pants in their relationship: Luna.

Admittedly, I suppose this is an okay reason. Sort of.

Luna's not buying a word of it though. Considering he seems to only go to restaurants. She's pretty sure he was super tempted to sneak some food out anyways, because look at the guy, he is suspicious as hell. She tells him to watch out or she'll start calling him "stupid cat" and it'll catch on and become his real name.

... I'm sure 'baka neko' sounds better in Japanese but... really? That's the best you guys could come up with?

Anyway a giant laundry monster is making their way down the hall just outside of the room.

This just makes me giggle for all of the wrong reasons.
I mean look at those eyes. The sheer size of them.
There is no reason whatsoever this should be taken serious.

She then promptly kicks the door open as Artemis is about to make his way out, and comedic crash sounds occur! Title slides are shown! Hopes are crushed as we discover that this episode is quickly going to hell in a handcart with nos-powered rockets strapped to the sides.

... that sounded better in my head shut up. You're just mad you didn't think of it first.

They immediately cut back to the girls and the cats and one of them apologizing to the one with a bump and... ugh.

The thing that looks like a moon is not the thing
you are referring to, you stupid brat.

Everybody  has a good laugh at his expense and he jaunts out of the room, declaring that he is not going to be talking to Luna anymore. Who says that he's just all sore and shit because he hasn't done anything important lately.

To be fair though? When has he ever done anything important? I'm pretty sure the answer is never. Which just about holds true for Luna as well.

Then Usagi and Luna are suddenly outside looking for him, and the moron is all "I'm totally gonna make this all right" and now Artemis is brooding on Mina's bed about the whole thing while she knits. And of course playing the role of the dumb blonde up even harder than Usagi herself. Oh and giving shitty pep talks about how he has to have the resolve to take one for the team every now and again. Which... makes him want to go out and do something awesome? Isn't this how most episodes of Jackass get made?

So off he rushes again, intent on doing something so awesome that Luna has to acknowledge him, and... somehow winds up getting stepped on by Usagi's elf-like feet.

No seriously these goddamn things are so elf-like you'd think they had Akira Toriyama drawing these feet.

Somehow, her feet seem to have gotten smaller in those boots.

Luna calls him dumb and laughs, and he gets mad, and Usagi suddenly puts on like fifty pounds. I mean holy shit why is she not trying out for the football team right now because lookit these shoulders LOOK AT THEM.

Atlas shrugged and went "damn I am doing it wrong
look at how broad those things are shit".

After ceasing the whole stepping on him and declaring herself as mediator, both her and the cat once again burst into laughter... because that is so very appropriate right now. Yeah. I'm... I'm just failing to see the humor here exactly. If anything, it's making them look like incredible assholes. The kind you hope would go die in a volcanic thunderstorm. You know. Those assholes.

Off he runs again, totally vanishing, and winds up in an alleyway where he finds... four kittens in a box. Who are quickly picked up by some big guy in a trenchcoat and shitty car. So off Artemis goes to see what's going on, because this is finally his chance to shine! Why, if he can save those poor kittens from being rescued from a trash pile, people will surely laud him as a hero of sorts!

Keep telling yourself that buddy.

Then there's a mangy dog over by a trash pile, and that dude shows up again to feed the dog and... I dunno. Be a general all around okay kind of guy really.

Am I the only one thinking he looks kind of like the
Gordon Fisherman or something? I mean wow.

But of course, Artemis is watching nearby.

You really are a moron though.

So after getting the dog in the car, the man drives off and we see Esmeraude walking around with her evil glowing crystal, which starts waving back and forth as she approaches something called the "Great Animal Kingdom".

... that sounds like a zoo not a pound what in the hell.

Oh and I guess people are laughing at her because she is simply dressed FAR TOO FABULOUSLY FOR THEM. Or something. I'm really not sure why they're laughing exactly.

Is nonsensical laughing going to be a theme with this episode?

Ah, and then a small dog is peeing on her foot. That would explain why people are laughing at her. Also, urinating dogs are funny. Or something. She chases what I can only guess is a puppy into the Great Animal Kingdom, passing in front of Ami and Makoto in the process. Who are too dumb to notice. Oh but they see Artemis in the car with the weird old guy going in immediately after.

Or rather Makoto sees it because Ami is too busy reading her... wait what.

Your what?

Hasn't she been taking English classes like, for awhile now? A long while? Or did she conveniently just forget all that learning shit she'd done in the past? I'm... I'm honestly confused.

Oh, I see. She's trying to memorize a hundred every day. That makes much more sense. Thanks for clearing that up Ami!

Now there's a tree. With a squirrel inside, birds of all colors flying around, dogs and cats and rabbits and shit living in peace and harmony. Truly, this is a great animal kingdom of some sort. Then we get to see all the kennels, and that old guy dropping off the newcomers so they can be stuffed into cages. Progress!

Yeah uh... you do know how this stuff really works,
right guys? I mean, right?

Then evil appears! And knocks the adults out with evil lightning and summons a Dark Henge. And now we get our first glimpse of Droid Dogba.

Dogba.

Dogba.

Dogba.

... okay. Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Dogba. WHAT KIND OF IDIOTIC NAME IS THAT?!

Anyway the droid quickly assumes the form of the nice lady but puts on a super mean face, and suddenly we get what you are most likely to actually encounter should you drop animals off at a humane society place. I know some great people tend to work there, but when you see people dropping animals off all day, it does kind of get to you after awhile. And frankly, some of these shelters don't exactly have the nicest people working there. Though they do try to get nice people.

Oh no all the animals have evil glowing red eyes now and... are walking... on their front legs? So evil.

Around this time Usagi and Luna hear about where Artemis has gone. In fact... all of the girls have suddenly. I guess everyone was having a party at Usagi's place for a change?

I don't know why I just felt like sharing this image.

They explain that it's basically an animal shelter, and Usagi immediately jumps to the conclusion that Artemis, the magical cat from the Moon Kingdom, has grown so tired of everything that he is now... running away to an animal shelter.

Then again it's not as if anybody else has ever really exhibited a consistent display of great intellect so I guess that's about par for the course. at this point. She also says that Luna is the only one who can get him back, at this point, and she should, you know, try to make up for the fact that she is basically always a big ol' bitch all day erry day. Not quite Cartmann's mom level of bitchiness, but more like Cinderella's wicked step-mother level.

Oh and she goes on to say that there are alligators and giant snakes and... tigers? At that place? And that he might already be dead or something? Okay. I'm confused, and that confusion? It's not going to get any better.

Okay seriously IS THIS A ZOO OR IS IT A PET SHELTER?
PLEASE PICK ONE AND STICK TO IT ALREADY!

She threatens her 'sister' or 'cousin' or whatever to tell Mamoru they're all being mean to her if they don't take her, so I guess they're all going for a trip to the... zoo shelter? They tell Luna to make sure to get Artemis back, and we get our commercial break.

Once again we get to see all the peaceful trees and shit and Artemis running around and watching other animals, and deciding everything is fine when suddenly, the evil plan gets put into motion.

... I guess your 'evil plan' involves entertaining children.

Yeah. This really is their 'evil plan'. Not shitting you. They straight up say it mere moments later.

... I am quickly growing real sick of your shit Sailor Moon.

The animals all make a big pyramid, and suddenly... attack the crowd. Oh. Okay. That... really necessitated having to perform tricks. And Artemis gets kind of but not really saved by Luna suddenly, who wants to know why she's here. She starts to explain, but Artemis' reaction is... well, goddamn priceless.

"I came to take you..."

That my friends is the face of someone who is
immensely turned on by this turn of events.

She quickly changes it to "I was in the neighborhood, what's up? Are you being dumb again?" He then tries to chase her off so that he can take care of all the evil stuff by himself. And be a big hero. But she gets all mad and is like "man I came to check on you, whatever, I'm going home."

... wait. So you get mad when he tells you to go home, and you respond by... going home? When he is clearly in over his head?

Right. I keep forgetting intelligence is not a trait anyone here is associated with. Not even Ami. THE SMARTEST KID IN JAPAN. Luna goes walking off and Artemis tries to go follow, but then calls out to her that he'll see her again if he lives through this, and immediately jumps on an empty soda can and falls to the ground.

...man they are really playing up this sudden klutz factor which will just vanish by the end of the episode.

Surrounded by animals, the entire crowd all tries to reach for the same payphone to call the police while squirrels eat through electrical cables like it's not a thing. And then Dogba shows up behind her animal minions. Awesome. Taking on her true form in front fo all the people, she twirls her electric whip around and snags someone and... I guess starts taking energy from them or something?

... right. The other girls show up outside the gates and see all the people running away, and oh boy who would have ever thought this plan could go wrong? Mina and Usagi transform of course, and head into the park because it's not like they really had anything better to do.

By the way, what happened to the other girls and Chibi-usa? Are they just suddenly no longer around? Because I thought you were all coming as a group or something? Was that not the thing you were supposed to be doing? Because I'm confused again.

So after whipping the last person, Artemis shows up and reveals that... there are more people to whip. Oh. Okay. He tries charging the crowd only to be taken down by the other cats before he can even get close really. No, not even cats. Kittens. Then he gets whipped a bit and surrounded by dogs and sheep and... dogs and sheep. Oh and a couple monkeys? Yeah. More whipping occurs but then Luna comes in to save the day, telling him to stop being an idiot and fighting so hard.

Though it's less fighting and more getting his ass kicked but now they are getting their asses kicked together so I guess that counts for something. Venus finally comes in with her chain thing and saves the cats, and tears up the whip, and they do their entrance. Wherein they tell Dogba that even if God and Buddha forgive her, they sure won't.

Wow. That is uh. That's some pretty heartfelt hatred there. I mean crap. If the big guy upstairs exonerated someone I'd be all "well damn if he says they're cool, who am I to argue saying I know better than God?" I mean damn dude, seriously. That is some seriously heavy stuff.

We get to see the full moon in the middle of daytime and then we're back to... evil inky blackness or something? And dogs and cats run around the girls and attempt to overtake them. Good thing those other girls finally show up. You know, the ones who don't get a transformation sequence despite bieng way better at kicking ass and blowing the f**k out of poor animals.

No seriously they blow them the hell up like crazy. Then victory dance over it.

Whoa. Chill out there.

Dogba doesn't like being ignored, and as the girls remind their leader that she kinda still has a thing to do, they all get collared up.

Oh so that's where all that hentai came from. Now I get it.

Artemis leaps into the fray though and claws the shit out of Dogba's face, which is enough for Sailor Moon to literally be able to bend a metal collar apart to take it off and do the only move she is capable of using. Dogba turns to dust, and the Dark Henge explodes, like usual. Oh and Esmeraude goes walking off to look at the girls and is all "damn, I really need to laugh like crazy and let them know I am here."

Oh and that puppy pees on her again as she vanishes.

Now the girls are going to sit around and pet kittens and dogs and make reference to things that just will never die.

She is really never letting that one go is she.

Luna calls Artemis dumb again, and she's all "aw you did okay this time" and he's all "hah that was totally my plan" and Chibi-usa comes running up wondering where the hell everyone went and why they left without her. Oh and hits Artemis with her bag and as a result everyone calls him dumb.

Yeah, it's his fault he was randomly assaulted by a little girl's backpack when he was lying there minding his own business.

... the only idiots are the people who thought this recurring gag was going to be funny. Because most of the times they call him an idiot, it's not because of anything he had any control over whatsoever.

... the fact that there is an episode THIS BAD at this point in the series does not bode well for it at all. May the end come soon because if this show doesn't start improving fast? I know exactly what kind of grade it's gonna be getting.