The Qwasar of Stigmata Episode 07 - The Pure White Maria

One of these weeks, I won't feel too sick to actually get my Friday episode out on time. Though one might be inclined to actually believe that this show is, in fact, making me physically ill. Therefore, one might think that it would be a good idea to not watch this show.

But alas, I am stupid, and will continue to watch this molten piece of vomitous ass anyways.

I want you to appreciate the fact that I am not playing the beta weekend for the Elder Scrolls online at the moment. I am instead watching this show instead. Despite the fact that the servers are only up for a few days.

The sacrifices I make for this blog...

Where did we leave off last week? Oh I guess we found out that evil goth girl is only sort of evil but not really since I guess she's actually just a good guy who does terrible things.

... is it too late to recommend they all get shot in the head or something? Whatever. Where is this episode taking us? Well, given the first thing that we see involves cuteness and sea cows, one can only guess.

Oh no. We're doing the time warp yet again.

Of course, it only takes about two seconds for this innocence to be completely, and utterly destroyed.

... this is actually happening. My god.

They think this is 'cute'. Breast feeding is 'cute'.

... suddenly, I think I understand the creators of this show just a little too well. It is a very scary thing. Also, I just learned that manatees do, in fact, breastfeed their young. Which is a thing I did not know five minutes ago. And I am not sure if I should be angry that they got this right, or relieved to know that they at least took the time to do that much research.

Man I didn't even know boys this excited about boobs
growing up and you say WE are bad!

... I don't even have words for what happens next.

Nope.

Just. Just Nope. No. Just. Just no. Nope.

A child Tomo is attempting to suckle on Mafuyu's 'breast'. Which she believes is located in her armpit, just like with the manatee.

... I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

This goes on for almost thirty seconds before the uncle comes over with ice cream and we return to modern day where those two are totally taking a not-awkward bath together. Which lasts for maybe ten seconds before they are literally rolling around in the bathtub trying to uh, do sexy time things with one another I think?

I am now horribly confused. Even more by the fact that Tomo is only 15.

I am so horribly, amazingly confused. Just... just play the intro already and let me pretend this never happened.

When we begin the show again, we are treated to yet another flashback scene where tiny Mafuyu is asking her uncle just what this closed-off room is for. His answer? Oh, it's his 'secret base'. It's where he keeps his most valuable treasure.

One might think that if you wanted it to remain so secret, you'd be all "oh, it's just my office, you'd better not go in there because I have super important work shit that should never be disturbed". But I guess that telling your kid there's some super awesome mega secret cool macguffin thing inside is a great idea too. After all it's not like kids are prone to talk about everything they see or hear.

I mean, kids aren't dicks, after all. They can keep a secret.

Anyways years later Mafuyu is going to the villa with that key she got after the events of last episode, to try and move the plot along. Oh, and pink decided to come with too.

Oh yes you sound so sincere when you put it like that.

Then the meal trolley lady comes by with frozen tangerines which I guess the rich brat just must have. Then realizes that cash is a thing which is not accepted. And then can't even peel it herself, and having it done for her destroys her desire for it. And once they get to their destination she can't even get phone reception. But none of that is as ridiculous as discovering what it is she is actually wearing.

This is not a safari. Why are you dressed like it is?

After sharing some canteen water and talking about how they're only halfway there, pink asks why she wanted to come up here alone. Which is a reasonable question. Why not bring Tomo along this time? It was for treasure, right? That Tiddlywink of Tangeria or something? How did she know that? Oh, I guess it's because some dudes just suddenly showed up to kidnap her is how.

Yeah sure, this makes sense.

They introduce themselves as... the "three brothers of Helium". Which explains why they can sound like a girl. Or like a specific girl.

... I'm sorry. I cannot keep a straight face. Helium. Really?! You're going for control over Helium. That is one of the most idiotic things I've heard. Copper? Sure. Iron? Of course. Gold? Why not. Chlorine? Pushing it but I can kind of understand. But Helium? Helium?!

Anyways they threaten her that if she doesn't lead them to the villa and show them where the icon thing is, they'll just grab whats-her-name's tits. And then grab her tits anyway for good measure because, eh, why the heck not. She manages to get away though, and Mafuyu realizes that a Kendo stick is no match for an iron ball and chain.

Eventually, she runs off and lets Mafuyu try to keep the brothers in check, who promptly... steps back, slips, and falls. Rather anticlimactic that. So... that whole thing about letting the other girl run off (to supposedly get help) has now been rendered completely pointless. Great job!

Ah but then one of them explodes into flame and we see a mysterious figure show up but none of that matters because somewhere is literally being ridden like a pony by a little goth girl while a sister watches.

And I bet you thought I was joking about that.

Turns out Teresa isn't the only one watching. In fact, Sasha and Tomo are also there. I get the feeling Tomo is probably staring a little bit too hard at the tail coming out of the girl's butt.

Don't worry. You're not the only one who doesn't understand.

I guess they've come to ask the creeper where their pal not-Rukia-with-red-hair went. But why would she know anything? I mean come on it's not like she seems to somehow know everything. So after hitting her pony with the crop a few more times and eliciting the proper neighing response, she decides to tell them but only in exchange for someone kissing her shoe.

Tomo tries but nope, she wants Sasha to do it because she is just that kind of chick. So he walks over and is all "what are you some kind of queen?" and she's all "is that how you say it in Russian?" and he's all "You know, I am really going to kill you some day" and the scene fades to black.

... I do not understand this show at all. I really, really don't. So it's time for them to show us another flashback where the uncle pulls Mafuyu out of a fire! Oh, and asks her to keep Tomo safe because sure, why not. They're only like, five.

Yes keep her safe from the rabid dogs in the neighborhood...
why are there even rabid dogs in the neighborhood?!

After a few bizarre scenes, she finally wakes up and sees she is naked and some blonde dude is standing over her. She slaps him with her wooden sword and he's all "wow, you hit me, that's awesome!"

Oh, but then Kurt Russel shows up so it's all good.

That is so f***ing Kurt Russel it hurts AND YOU KNOW IT.

He asks her how she is doing, besides I guess being naked, and she's all good I guess. He introduces himself as Ootori, and the blonde moron there who might possibly be a girl in secret is Lizzie. Kurt reacts after hearing Mafuyu's name though, probably because he's a Qwasar himself or some shit.

Seriously, no way this is a dude named Lizzie. Just can't be.

They go out to practice and Mafuyu is told to get some clothes on, and eventually comes out to watch them training. Yeah, this 'guy' is totally that other chick from the intro. They also remind Mafuyu of her and her uncle from back in the day. Then there's some fish in a stream and Lizzie strips down to go skinny dipping, and totally starts stripping Mafuyu to come in with him/her. They're trying to avoid the big reveal as long as possible of course.

After dropping some drawers, it is revealed that yes, Lizzie is totally a girl, as expected. Who didn't see that coming I mean the dude's name is only LIZZIE. Jeez. Nakedness occurs, and skinny dipping is had, and everybody forgets that there's some dudes running around threatening to kill people with girly voices. Why, they forget so much that Mafuyu is totally okay with some girl she's just met completely fondling the f**k out of her nips.

My god. What is this show even.

Afterwards they lay around naked in the sun talking about how similar they are in that their caretakers aren't their actual parents, just people that adopted them. And Mafuyu reveals that she's going to the villa to look for something, and how she has to be the first person to find that thing. Oh and Lizzie also lets slip that they are looking for something too. Totally not gonna be looking for the same thing she is I am certain. I mean it's not like they could have spent the last ten years running around the mountains looking for a GIANT FREAKING HOUSE or something.

Eventually it gets late and Mafuyu offers to make dinner after all they've done, again completely forgetting that she came with someone, or that their life might be in danger. But it's okay because that girl walks past the foreground still trying to find a signal. Cool.

Ah but the other two brothers show up and Lizzie is all suddenly badass and ready to take these guys on.

That really doesn't sound very intimidating at all you know.

After some back and forth banter about how they're not even  half a Qwasar, pink wanders past and finally gets a signal, and Lizzie.... promptly takes to sucking on her breasts.

God damn it show, just... god damn it.

Now we get the big reveal about Lizzie's weapon, and, uh, I guess some kind of hint as to what her power is.

So Excalibur is a giant tuning fork. Okay.

Then the guys get cut in half and the area explodes and nobody seems to notice.

Later that night Mafuyu feeds the people who saved her, and discover that her cooking is nothign short of amazing. What about that other girl though? Nobody cares. After getting some directions, Lizzie is super sad to see her new friend leave, and after... holding hands? They say goodbye. Oh, and Kurt Russel is all "yeah it's time for us to move".

By the way, those other three? They managed to get to the villa before Mafuyu, who is just showing up at the front door. After a brief conversation about how Mafuyu was totally okay on her own, they head inside and go to that door we saw at the start of the episode, which... leads into a cavern. Okay. At the back is an altar, and on it? A thing covered in a rag that looks like it might be the icon. Sasha says some shit in a language that's not even translated, and Mafuyu is all "what's it say?"

I'm sure this will all be very important later.

So after taking the cloth off, they see a picture which is the one from their childhood.

Because keeping it in the back of a cave is clearly
the safest place for a work of art such as this.

Tears are shed, and she discovers what he meant by the most precious thing to him. Right. While that makes sense, one would wonder why he would hide this... in a cave... in a house that's not even his.

Turns out someone else has been there recently though, an adult and a child. Speaking of a couple that fits that description, they meet with creepy blonde man who is all like "so she's ready to become a disciple right?" and Kurt is all "like hell dude" and he's like "so why you no come back? We love you long time."

Turns out this guy is the Pheonix we heard about last episode, and he's all "yeah whatever, I'm gonna find the thingy thing, keep my promise, so just bug off already". Oh, and he just sorta sets the house they were just living in on fire. No big deal. This Pheonix guy is gonna find the key and then find the savior and everything will be fine.

Meanwhile, pinky finally shows up as the others are leaving the house and the episode ends.

Having watched seven of these episodes so far, I have to really question whether I can continue watching this absolutely atrocious work. I mean, I expected something bad, but I didn't expect it to be this bad.

Of course, if I stop watching this, it means I have to start watching something else and I am not liking my options for that either.

... tune in next week to see whether I bite the bullet or puss out. Because... I really don't know anymore man. This show makes me feel like less of a man inside. Less human. It makes me weep for humanity's future where a show this repulsive can somehow manage to be popular enough to warrant a sequel.

F**k my life.