Diabolik Lovers Episode 06 - Love Hexagon?

So. There are six vampire 'brothers', right? And in many anime the 'love triangle' is a trope which is applied as judiciously as a grade-schooler applies glue to a thin sheet of paper.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, they over play that shit a lot.

So if there are six interested parties does that make it a love hexagon? Wait, no, that wouldn't be quite right. What's the number after hexa? Septi? A septigon? I don't think that even exists. Google says it is a "heptagon".

Right so I guess I should've saved this for episode seven. Oh well. Still better thought out than the writing on this atrocity.

The episode begins by attempted to defile something that I hold very dear to my heart.

NO. HOW DARE YOU QUOTE SIMON AND GARFUNKLE
IN YOUR SHITTY ASS VAMPIRE ANIMU. NO.

NOT ONLY DO THEY RAPE IT WITH THEIR POOR ENGRISH COMPREHENSION, BUT WHO IS SINGING THIS SHIT?

OH HELL NO. NO NO NO NO NO. HE DOESN'T GET
A BACKSIE LIKE THAT. HE IS GODDAMN NUTS.

Oh course Yui stumbles onto the roof while he admires the crescent moon, and she is concerned that a teleporting vampire is sitting on a rooftop balcony.

BITCH THE BOY IS ALREADY DEAD I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT A FALL IS HONESTLY GOING TO MAKE THAT SITUATION ANY WORSE. DO YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT VAMPIRES?!?!? JACK CRABBIT CAN PROBABLY FLY OR SOME SHIT.

WHAT IS A JACK CRABBIT? I DON'T KNOW BUT IT SOUNDS RIGHT SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING WITH.

SO he does the creepy shit where he's like "man, you're worried and scared? That's cute. I hate that face." PICK ONE F***ING EMOTION AND STICK WITH IT OH MY GOD NO AND NOW THEY ARE PLAYING SCARBOROUGH FAIR IN THE BACKGROUND QUICK SOMEBODY KILL THIS WITH FIRE BEFORE THE DISEASE SPREADS.

YOU ARE A GODDAMN VAMPIRE OF COURSE SHE IS
F***ING SCARED OF YOU OH MY GOD.

But she's got to play this part straight and says that she's not scared of him, she's scared for him. After all it would be such a shame if one of the people literally keeping her around as food were to suddenly meet with an untimely accident. YES THAT WON'T DO AT ALL NOW COME BACK INSIDE AND STOP GIVING ME HOPE FOR FREEDOM THANKS FOR THAT PERSON WHO DRINKS MY BLOOD AND TALKS LIGHT ABOUT RAPING ME AND DEFILING HIS OWN MOTHER'S GRAVE.

Then he calls her conceited, and a fool, and cute again.

OKAY DUDE SERIOUSLY. ONE EMOTION. PICK ONE.
STOP SWITCHING THEM EVERY FIVE SECONDS.

Anyway he says that if she really wants him to come down then she should give him a little kiss.

... how many musical references are they going to make in this episode because oh my god.

So he says "kiss me or get lost" and she thinks about it. Very hard. For... some reason. And then he laughs at her for taking him seriously. And decides to get down from the balcony by, you know. Leaping off the edge. BECAUSE HE'S A VAMPIRE.

Albeit one that hits the ground and wakes up at the bottom to a very freaked-out Yui. Who still doesn't seem to understand VAMPIRES ARE ALREADY PRETTY DAMN DEAD.

... have you tried watching the sun rise lately dude?

She asks if he wants to die and he's like "eh, not right now maybe later". Then proceeds to tell her about a place he likes. He wants to show it to her later, and they go inside. Where I guess there are lots of wax figures of ladies wearing nice white dresses.

Seriously dude that thing with the bear has gotta stop.

Anyway they talk about how creepy those things are, how much cuter the bear is than these dolls, how none of those previously mentioned things have souls, and how great Yui would look like as a corpse. Yep. It's a thing I guess.

Does she want to become one of those wax figures? He'd totally do it and his bear would love a new friend. He says that this would be a 'win-win' situation for her, which doesn't make any sense whatsoever, and when she gets freaked out, he continues to ignore the fact that frankly? None of this shit makes any sense at all.

You keep asking this question. I'm not sure you'd truly
understand the answer here kid.

Then he's like "I like this look on you" and kisses her on the cheek and continues to just be an all around creep.

Because you're perverse? I mean not rocket science dude.

Then he licks her neck and she's all "oh nooo" and he threatens to sew her mouth shut and talks about giving her glass eyes and turning her into a doll and shit. Then he bites down on her neck and talks about how she'll be the prettiest bride ever.

Oh yeah, all them dolls are the 'sacrificial brides' and he promises to make her feel supah good. By choking the life out of her. Though I guess someone's not too happy with this as the redhead tells him to go see Reiji for whatever reason. So the kid buggers off and the girl sort of choke cries like she doesn't actually mean it.

He walks over and makes like he's about to bite her and decides that he's just not really feeling it today. So uh, yeah. She gets a free pass I guess. He's 'too tired' or something. Yeah okay sure whatever.

She now starts wandering the halls where she runs into another astute vampire whose impeccable foresight is valued in certain circles.

NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

What choice does she have, she asks? And he says that she should just leave. Right now. Get on out.

So she starts packing up her suitcase, and stops as she sees the diary and looks at the photo again, and decides nope, she's gonna stay and try to figure this shit out. And returns to pinkie pie to get scolded for not running when she had the chance. To which she asks him if he knows anything about the Father, and the whole church sacrifice thing?

But then he sees some other girl, you know that dead one that they all totes murdered or some shit before, and he hands her a silver dagger.

And it will never be used. EVER.

One stab to the heart with that knife and its curtains for a vampire. Subaru walks off and has a flashback to that lady telling him to commit a murder. While... okay this is confusing because there are actually three lines of dialogue going on at once. There is the conversation between kid-Subaru and mystery lady, and then there is adult Subaru telling us about this shit. AT THE SAME EXACT TIME. THIS IS NOW HOW YOU F***ING FLASHBACK MONOLOGUE IN AN ANIME PEOPLE. THIS SHIT WORKS IN  A MANGA BECAUSE THAT IS A DIFFERENT MEDIUM. ONE WHERE YOU CAN TAKE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. YOU ARE JUST LITERALLY SHOVING THIS SHIT DOWN OUR EAR PATHS IN THE HOPES WE WILL UNDERSTAND JUST WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON.

So I guess he decides that yeah he'll kill the bitch or something, because he likes her or whatever, and then after the confusing flashback, Yui returns to her room where Raito, or as I like to call him Ohnosuke, is all "sup little bitch, you were like gone forevas gimme some sugah" and she straight up tells him to GTFO.

I for one am kind of hoping she stabs the asshole. If
only so I don't have to hear him talk anymore.

He notices that she's holding onto Subaru's knife, and presses it up against his heart, and explains just what this means.

I'm sorry what?

He goes on to say that she is currently holding the power to end an immortal's life. Which is some heavy shit I guess, and he's all "do you know what it is like to love someone so much you hate them?"

Yeah no. That uh, that's not how that works at all.

So he continues to be all 'baby you want me' and she's all 'no' and he's all 'there's no god no need for rules and shit' and she continues to be the perfect catholic schoolgirl who wants to believe that there is a God no matter how bad life gets. Man is weak, but who cares right? She wants to hang onto that. Which is enough to make him actually stop trying to bite her neck, and look at her... man I don't know how to describe this except utter disbelief.

Is that the patented Keanu 'whoa'?

But then he laughs literally like a jackal, says he never met anyone like her and is now actually not solely interested in her blood now.

Oh and blood is dripping from that ripped up dress and the episode ends.

You know, for people who used to be human? They seem to have a very poor idea of what this girl is going through. Seriously. Like, the worst.

But then again, what else did you expect out of this show? I'm convinced the entire thing was made because they came up with an idea for a horror porn and then got told it needed to be PG, and all the character art was already made.

PLUS THEY TRIED TO RUIN SIMON AND GARFUNKLE AND GOD DAMN IT WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!?!?