Sailor Moon R Episode 35 - Dark Gate Completed? A Grade School in Danger

With every passing episode, I realize I come closer and closer to my goal. I get nearly ecstatic. Until I realize that even with only ten episodes left, that's almost another three months I have to put up with Sailor Moon R.

And that makes me weep bitter tears of agony.

For the thirty-four episodes I have watched thus far, there have been two, maybe three which truly stood out above the rest and were by all rights really freaking awesome. But the rest were just complete crap, not worth wasting the time.

And yet, here I find myself, wishing for the days when Ali and En were the most dangerous things wandering around the city. Or when Beryl was still alive and kicking.

Because at least they were kind of competent.

So. What are we putting up with today?

F**k my life.

Today's episode is about youth, friendship, and grade schoolers suddenly manifesting martial arts.

We begin today's episode by introducing... Chibi-usa as Usagi Tsukino. But the class decides to call her "Chibi-usa" anyways because she's tiny. And not because that is quite literally her actual god-given name from birth. Even though, by all rights, according to the show that is her name.

And they're doing that super-arty thing from old anime where they use colored-pencil stills to let you know you are in a flashback. Which actually is a pretty cool thing, I kind of miss stuff like that. It's very nostalgic.

Well fine I'll stop trying to find good things to say, god.

One little girl stands above the rest, and they decide that Chibi-usa-chan is... much better. Oh, and I guess she is super sick and is therefore having a feverish dream, while being taken care of by two cats. She wakes up and talks about going to school tomorrow and how there's this kid she sits next to, when Usagi comes in with all the other girls who give her a box of what I can only guess are donuts.

Oh and there's another friend too.

I'm just guessing but I think she's Chinese.

Her name is Momo, and she's come to see how her pal is doing. Why, she's doing so well the kid leaps out of bed, and then they totally go back to her bed while they talk about playing together tomorrow at school. So the other girls sit around and consider that the girl is from the future and, you know, is kind of a target for the evil folks for some reason. Ami wonders why.

More childlike laughter, and then we're at the park suddenly, where a Dark Henge is being put into play, and.... I guess some dude just shows up to power it up or something and turn the park DARK AND EEEVIL.

There's also one over at the elementary school, where some other dude named Chiral is talking to Esmeraude about how smoothly things are going.

Wait who the f**k are these assholes and why have they never been introduced before?!

And why are they wearing wife beaters?

Eh, it was the 90's, nobody gave a shit I guess.

I guess he has a brother that wears a white shirt and looks otherwise the same named Achiral.

.... these names. Esmeraude decides that she's going to rush for the goal and finish this thing out, and tells the wonder twins to go and deal with those stupid girls once and for all. So she can go home and continue to dream about riding some Princely steed.

... hey I have no doubts whatsoever that Prince Dimande totally has a horse. What did you think I was getting at?

So Chibi-usa is late to school today, but when she gets there, everyone is making quite the uproar. Probably because the Battle Royale law was just passed, and their school happens to be the first testing ground for the new law.

Sweet jesus look at that little girl she is VICIOUS.

I have always maintained that women are vicious and brutal and this here is animated proof in the flesh, my friends. Girls are f***ing terrifying in a fight.

This just happened.

Luna kindly informs the mistaken child that everybody is currently participating in Fight Club. And also violates the first rule in doing so but she's a cat so I imagine she is probably exempt to that shit. She seems Momo backed into a corner by some boy and basically kicks him in the nuts and the neck at the same time, before turning on Chibi-usa and declaring her utter contempt for the girl before sweeping her off her feet and running away.

Fully baited, she runs off and Luna is left wondering what's going on, while Artemis literally just shows up out of nowhere to talk about the Dark Power.

I guess he mastered the art of teleportation again.

Inside the school is completely wrecked, and even the teachers are now starting to attack Chibi-usa, along with her previously best friend. Upstairs, Chiral is all laughing and shit, and our little girl takes refuge in the science lab and talks to the cats. But Momo shows up, only to walk away when she can't find her.

The cats reveal that this is probably some evil power, and Artemis runs off to get help while Luna tries to convince the girl to flee to safety. But she wants to stay and help, after all she can't let her best friend keep kicking the shit out of folks.

So the girls are about to head to the school when they discover there's something going on at the park too. So instead of joining Sailor Moon, they decide to just let her go run off and get Chibi-usa alone, while the rest of them tackle the park.

Cue transformation sequences.

Full transformations, I might add. They've got time to pad, after all. Well, except Venus and Mars, they get the shaft today.

Speaking of them, guess who is already at the park looking at a giant evil statue? Yeah, it's those two who are about to get beat like some wives.

Sailor Moon gets to the school and Artemis discovers that the statue there is huge! So let's cut to Mars and Venus fighting a dude and failing miserably. Until Mercury and Jupiter show up but even so, he's all like "yeah I'm going to the school now, later bitches".

Realizing that they done just got baited, they cut to a commercial break for a quick scene change.

Upon returning, we're back at the school where Sailor Moon is sneaking around like a thief, trying to find the little girl. She gets attacked by a skeleton, which is actually Chibi-usa who was hiding there scared out of her wits.

This image is giving me very mixed messages.

Oh and then Chiral shows up to try ripping off Sailor Moon's head. Whoops!

By the way, he can walk through walls. No biggie.

Sorry Lux, dat Rengar too OP.

So she yells at him and says she'll punish him in the name of the moon while skipping her usual made-up speech, when he decides to double his pleasure by summoning his brother, who just sorta steps out of him.

Oh. Well.

Now it's time to watch her get double-teamed while Momo shows up to threaten them with a broom. The cats tell pinky that there's no hope for Momo right now, she's become corrupted by the Dark Power and has become one of the Children of the Corn.

One of us. One of us.

This makes the kid angry, but then Mercury shows up to save the day with some bubbles. Oh and those other kids too. Then Chiral vanishes and just kind of laughs at them, and Momo runs over and starts doing some super Kung Fu shit. And then they take out Jupiter, and the rest of the girls all get electrocuted. Even Momo. But then through the power of friendship Chibi-usa does... I dunno. Something and negates all the evil energy, bringing her friend back to her senses.

Which is just enough time for Momo to take a lightning bolt for her friend, who starts having flashbacks about her mother who is clearly Usagi in the future.

Cue the Vader NNOOOOOOOOOOOO! And an explosion of light as, uh, she starts going super saiyan or some shit.

Shit: It just got real, son.

The bady guys get nealry vaporised and the entire school sort of... I dunno. Stays put? Then the kid passes out and the girls are seriously freaked out. So it's up to Mercury and Venus to watch over the children while the other three go forth to kick some serious ass.

Unfortunately, Emperor Palpatine has realized shit has gone down in the most spectacular of fashions.

I shall call it: Rabby-power.

He also decides it would be a waste to kill her now, so the plan changes.

Back at the school, those dudes try to kill some girls but a rose stops them.

... is an idea which will become very popular in Japan.

But after delivering a badass line like that, how does he follow up?

I'm gonna go kill myself now.

That means it's suddenly time for the badguys to stand there while she heals the ever-loving f**k out of them. Except they try not to but Jupiter blows up the ground first, and then she does the magic wand wavy thing and turns them to dust, and breaks the Dark Henges.

Esmeraude shows up again and decides she's gonna finish this shit herself after breaking her fan. But then Dimande is all "yo, hold up, we got a new plan" and she's like "damnit man, I was just about to do that thing you've been asking me to do for months!" and he's like "woman, I don't give a shit", so she laughs at the girls and tells them not to think they've won and vanishes.

Now Chibi-usa gets to visit her friend in a bed somewhere, and looks forlornly at a sunset on top of the school, while everybody watches. Including Mamoru. Oh, and she declares that she'll straight up to Back to the Future, with that space key. And asks everyone to come with to save her mom.

The TARDIS was in the shop, sadly.

Then Mamoru is all "okay, sure, I'm down with that" and the other girls are all "hey, why not, the future sounds awesome" and the cats are like "uh, are you guys nuts?" and Usagi is all "screw you it's the FUTURE LETS GO" and they play the dramatic music and end the episode with Chibi-usa saying she will totes be back for her parents soon.

... well, at least the show is preparing to move into its final phase, which is good. I hope the plot train will keep rolling forward in an attempt to make up for the mess that has basically amounted to the rest of this season so far.

We'll just see what happens I suppose.


*Post-content Edit*

After doing a little research, I discovered that my claim that it would influence the story that is Battle Royale two years later may not be so far off the mark. The original Air Date for this episode was January 15, 1994. Two years before the novel would be written, and three years before it would first see the light of day.

It's funny the things you find sometimes.