Diabolik Lovers Episode 07 - Lucky Number Slevin

With the completion of Pupa under my arms, I can now continue to devote my life to other terrible shows. Though I'm pretty sure I won't be picking anything back up on the 'Saturday' slot, because three shows in one week is almost more than the human brain can handle.

That having been said, we once again turn our critical eye back to the love story worse than Twilight. This is a love story, right? Because it's certainly not all that horrifying. Or rather it is but probably not in any of the ways the staff had hoped it would be.

Oh yay we jump right into the intro with absolutely none of that story setting up stuff to get in our way. Who needs that crap anyways, we are bucking all the conventions this week. With vampires. Dark, edgy, and totally not sparkly Bishoujo vampires.

Anyways it's a rainy day at Castle Vampyr, and our heroine wakes up during the middle of the thunderstorm wondering if this whole thing was all just a dream. Boy do I wish it was. But as she looks out she sees something that doesn't quite belong.

Oh hey it's that lady again. Awesome.

She somehow notices that someone is watching her through the dark rain and thunder and lightning and wind and window on the second floor where a curtain is just barely pushed aside in a dark room, and turns to look directly at the viewer. Because hey, MAGICAL VAMPIRE POWERS.

You can tell I'm scary because I have no eyes woOOooOO.

Oh and she smiles, which makes our main character fall to the ground all weak and shit, and then the window bursts open. Eventually she sits back up and we just... stare at her sitting there eyes closed on the floor for like, ten incredibly uncomfortable seconds while asking yourself "uh, something is going to happen right? Any moment now.... aaaaaaany moment now... uh, something's going to happen, right? Right? Guys, when is something going to hap-" and then they spring the shitty clock title screen on you.

Seriously the dumbest title slides ever. It's not even clever,
just really freaking lazy.

Now we go into the viaduct, or the sewers, not sure which, where she is walking along in a trance. Because vampires. She approaches what looks like a big freaking door at the end of the tunnel, and they fade out. Only to fade back in with her zombie shuffling in the courtyard in the middle of the day where she suddenly begins hallucinating all the vampires as kids.

Oh and some bats fly past the camera in case you forgot this show is about VAMPIRES.

Spooky scary!

Wait what's that, you say? The bats are actually important to the scene at hand?

Are you f***ing kidding me?!?!

Just wait though, because the weirdness isn't quite over yet.

So basically everyone lived under the same roof growing up?

It is super bizarre to see all of these characters as kids. Chibi-brosuke is all "hey no big deal Grape, we'll just catch them again later" and Super Dick Jr is all "yeah quit crying you baby", and they run off but then momma walks over and is all "Yo, Ayato, I mean Super Dick, wtf dude, I been looking for you all day. Also, I seem to be a vampire but have no problems walking around in the daylight."

Seriously check those fangs out. Full size if you need to.

Our heroine just stands around like a bump on a log asking if this is the same person she just saw in the garden, when clearly it would have to be because WHO ELSE WEARS THAT OUTFIT WITH THAT KIND OF HAIR IN THIS SHOW? NOBODY IS WHO. So the other two boys leave him alone and Ayato is told that he needs to go study. Or else. So go back to his room and study because you are special and totally not allowed to play outside like a normal child. Why you ask?

Because he is the "successor".

No but I'm sure you'll tell us in the next ten seconds anyways.

This has a profound impact impact on the child. His destiny is about to unfold.

He's gotta be the very best, like no one ever was...

So after calmly revealing that if he doesn't become a pokemon champion, then clearly he isn't his mother's child. And he'll be sent to the bottom of the lake. Because if you're not first, you're last. That's what Ricky Bobby says anyway, and we know that man is a genius. After all you can't have two number ones, since that would be eleven.

Seriously? Fangs. Not even subtle about it.

Clearly, this woman is a vampire. Except that unlike other vampires she doesn't appear to have that crippling weakness to DAYLIGHT which seems to plague our current heroes, who only go out at night for... uh, whatever reason. I really don't understand why this is the case. But she goes on to say that if he's not the best, then he is totally worthless and deserves to sink to the bottom of the lake. Actually she says that all 'worthless boys' deserve this. Which... really makes one wonder why she keeps those other assholes around actually. I mean Ayato's entire point here is that those kids get to run around and play all day and not have any responsibility, so what's their function here exactly?

He runs off to his room like a good little boy and she spends her day listening to Grape Kool-Aid sing while that other brat just kinda stands around. Oh, and of course our heroine just continues to be a regular f***ing Sherlock Holmes.

Jesus you really are dense aren't you?

Then she hears a little dog barking in the distance, and there's some other lady sitting with some other boy who is reading a book. It's that little dickhead Reiji as a child. Oh and one of those other dudes too.

PUPPY!

His mother seems a little less than pleased though. Is she also a vampire? Probably.

Clearly playing with a puppy, how is this not obvious?

This kid has the best friends in the world because one of his friends just gave him that puppy. Like holy crap how rich do you have to be to go "yo dude here have a puppy, just take it no questions asked?" WHO DOES THAT SHIT? I mean good god, you'd think some permission would need to be granted by SOMEONE or something given the high class lifestyle they lead. I'm pretty certain their 'friends' are just as high class which means someone is liable to miss that thing so what the crap?

Mom is displeased though, and she tells him to release it at once. Oh, and Shu is revealed as the older child and to act appropriate to his position. So the butler is told to rip the poor thing from his arms and he's all "dude come on I made a deal with some dude named Edgar I'd take care of the puppy, what's wrong with that?" and... yeah I can't really find any fault there. I mean, aside from the fact that he shouldn't have gotten the thing in the first place, at least he seems like he really wants to care for it. Not sure what the problem here is.

But mother is displeased and the puppy is relinquished and Shu goes running off and mom sits back down. So her other son is all "hey mom I finished this book" but she doesn't even pay attention to him, and what's-her-butt finds a white rose lying by her feet for some reason.

Yeah because a white rose is really important right now.

She picks it up but pricks her finger, and notices that there are a lot of these roses around. Oh and she sorta just teleported somewhere else.

Well now this doesn't look implausible at all.

There are a lot of things wrong with that image. For one, this tower is bigger than the freaking house, which as we can see is at least four stories high. Oh and there is a bridge that leads to said tower. A bridge over... nothing. But not only that, but where does the bridge come from anyway? What's it go to? Certainly not the house because WE CAN SEE THAT SHIT IN THE BACKGROUND FOR SCALE.

I guess it leads to some other place that we've never
seen before. Are they in some kind of castle or something?!

But let's just ignore the impossibility of this entire thing, because there are more important things going on here. Like douchebags as little kids.

God this asshole again. We're supposed to care about
him why?

He's busy looking up at what is probably his mother, who is locked in a tower. And seriously HOW TALL IS THIS FREAKING TOWER ANYWAYS?! It has to go up for at least another freaking fifty feet if not more since we never see the top, you could almost literally see this shit from halfway across town it is that large, yet we have NEVER SEEN ANY OF THIS SHIT BEFORE NOW.

So yeah let's just lock his mom away for no reason.

She walks away from the window and sad piano music plays and he drops that little dagger he was holding in his hand, and now she's somewhere else, watching some other folks converse. Except we've seen both of these people before.

Oh hey it's Richter Belmont again.

He really lays shit on thick with "all things exist to love you and kneel at your feet". God dude, seriously? Who would ever fall for that crock of shit? Her it seems, because she likes it when he worships her. Oh and Ayato is standing there looking all 'rar' and then everything goes monotone and the clock chimes and lady looks over at girl who still has her color, and then they do that thing where they try really hard to show you something is wrong.

TIME WAAAAAAAARP.

The girl crumples to the ground and we see her being woken up by grown up Ayato dick in the waterway. She doesn't remember how she got here, and he's all "you shouldn't come down here when it rains" and she asks what's behind the door. But that doesn't matter, it's not important and she should totally forget all about it.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!

Oh look the dream was real or was it? She remembers the rose and then Brosuke shows up for whatever reason and is all "yo, you smell great, let's f**k" and Ayato is all "yeah you do smell pretty awesome, seems familiar for some reason."

Wait, seriously, your first instinct is to run for the locked door?

Brosuke goes in to get him some but the other bro shoves him aside and is all "MINE", and takes a nibble from her neck. Then he's all "man that's just what I remember" and suddenly begins to freak the hell out.

Considering how often you drink her blood I'd HOPE
you find it familiar.

Brosuke is all "yo, if you're done can I have my bite?" and he's all "eh whatever" and what's he do? He goes for the leg, and talks about flies getting caught in spiderwebs, and talks about giving her some loving.

Yeah that's not weird. So they push her clothes aside and start drinking from her at the same time because I guess she has an unlimited supply of blood. But then Ayato gets bored and walks away and... wait. Hold the phone what?

Why is his one pant leg rolled up?

Brosuke decides more for him though and now we get to see Ayato brooding in the rain. Oh wait no we don't because now the episode is over.

Great! A fabulous waste of time. I think the goal of this episode was to make us better understand where all of the characters come from, except all it really does is just make me care even less about them, because not only are they complete dicks, but they are also completely entitled dicks. They are elitist as f**k.

Also, vampires in daylight.

This shit is worse than Twilight bro you just don't even. NNNNNG.