Diabolik Lovers Episode 6.5 - They Actually Called It 6.5

You know, there are a lot of things that don't make sense to me. Like bell-bottom jeans. Seriously, what is up with those things?

But right now, perhaps the most perplexing thing for me is this 'episode 6.5' business. Why is this even a thing? Why was it necessary? Did you just really want to avoid the number 13 for some reason? Or are you simply substituting your episode titles for just numbers? In which case, why would you go with something as dumb as 6.5???

I don't have any of the answers for this, and I suspect I never will.

My body is ready... but never willing. Let's just get on with it already...

We begin with a car in the countryside, and Yui going ahead and telling us all this lovely backstory stuff. In fact, it's pretty much the first episode all over again. She informs us that she was raised at a church because her father was a priest. And her mom died a long time ago or something.

So he took a job overseas and left her in the care of these assholes, the "six Sakamaki brothers".

Oh god this is a recap episode isn't it OH GOD ITS A RECAP EPISODE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I will say this however. In thirty seconds they managed to tell us a lot more than what they spent SIX EPISODES TRYING TO TELL US. Unfortunately it comes at a time when NOBODY WILL GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IT ANYMORE. So let's just get this whole thing on shall we?

We get to see that scene where she meets the red-haired dick again. Oh no, he's cold and his heart is not beating whatever will we oh right he wakes up and takes her phone and we are reliving hell all over again. For a recap episode, they are doing a pretty terrible job of recapping things by focusing on stuff that didn't really work out that well the first time around. But then we see him biting her neck over and over and over and he's all "I like you".

More biting, she pushes him off in another scene, and for a recap episode they are really jumping around a lot. I guess they come from the school of explaining things by assaulting you with lots of random shit in the hopes you keep watching and pick up on what's going on.

... is exactly what the director wanted to see on our faces.

She asks him to stop he says "nowai" and more blood sucking commences. Then we jump again to some other scene before all of that shit where the one kid is like "oh yeah some dude called saying we were having a guest and shouldn't kill them" and then she takes a bath with brother iPod. Are you confused yet? Well you should be! Unless you've already seen this in which case what is even the freaking point, may I ask? Because you already know all of this shit.

Are you? Because I'm pretty sure running water was a problem.

Then he gives her the Aladdin line and bites on her neck and is all "so hot it burns" and more sexual innuendo in the bath tub. Why did she come to live with them? Why because her blood is pretty awesome am I right?

It is night time, Yui tries to make a phone call but then MISTER STALKER BROSUKE APPEARS. Not that you have any context for this shit of course being a recap episode, and now he's pushing her down on the roses on an altar. Remember that episode with the church? Yeah I barely remember it either but now thanks to the recap episode where they don't add a single damn thing, they don't have to put much work into this! He reveals she's a sacrifice from the church, by her own Father who probably isn't her father and is just a generic Father in the churchy sense. He invites her to hell, more nibbling commences.

Then that line about nobody being saved by their belief, I guess it's time to jump to those wax figures of the brides with grape Kool-Aid. You remember that right? This all makes sense right? Awesome. Great. Perfect. Does she want to join the dead doll club? Because the bear thinks that would be pretty awesome.

Yes, win-win in that you die and this show ends immediately.
Such win, much amaze.

Oh but she doesn't want to be a wax figure and now she's being choked by the brat, who decides she smells pretty familiar. Oh well time to bite her anyways. Oh but then he wants to make out with her or something because man, gettin g ahang of those teenage horomone things is so hard. Not that it matters since he basically just bites her boob, so whatever. The bear watches, I guess.

Now she's having tea. Remember this scene where she has tea and gets paralyzed and all of that? Yeah well it didn't make much sense the first time around and it's bound to make even less sense this time around! She goes from being paralyzed to shoved against a book case and then being bitten. Oh and reminded that she's basically just a fleshy blood bag. NOM NOM NOM BOOKS.

She tries to push him off but he's all "rar stupid human fear me" and she's all like "whatevs" and he threatens to cut off her hand. Remember that? Yeah that was just so amazing the first time around.

BLAH BLAH BLAH MORE STUPID BULLSHIT THREATEN TO KILL HER. OH THE AGONY.

Now she goes walking around outside and Richter shows up to talk to Subaru, mister cotton candy hair, and he's all "yeah that mystical thing is gonna happen sooner or later" and Subaru has this weird idea that bad shit might go down. So he hands her the dagger again after she says "what do" and he tells her to run, which we all know she refuses to do, and which clearly makes perfect sense thanks to this lovely recap episode.

Wait what do you mean it doesn't make sense? HOW DOES NONE OF THIS MAKE SENSE YOU PEOPLE MUST BE MORONS OR SOMETHING!

OH LOOK MORE TALKING OVER LOTS OF IMAGES ASSAULTING YOUR EYEBALLS. STRINGS OF FATE AND SOMETHING AWAKENING DEEP WITHIN HER. ALSO NOWHERE LEFT TO RUN THE END OF THE RECAP.

Okay. Okay. I'm going to take a moment and breathe, okay? To just relax a little bit.

Oh f**k that noise.

WHY DO YOU HAVE A RECAP EPISODE THAT MAKES SO LITTLE SENSE UPON VIEWING? The ONLY way to make sense of this episode is that you have to have watched the episodes that came before it. Otherwise all you get is OH NOES EVIL VAMPIRES and OH NOES LITTLE GIRL NEEDS TO RUN AWAY WHY IS SHE NOT RUNNING WHEN GIVEN THE OPTION TO? So if you're a first time viewer, guess what? Sorry you're going to remain confused for the rest of the series. Guess you'd better go watch something else.

And for the people who've already watched this? WHAT IS THE F***ING POINT?!?! IT ADDS ZERO THINGS THAT WE DID NOT ALREADY KNOW. All this episode does is reinforce everything we've already been told. As if we really needed that to begin with. Since there were maybe eight new lines of dialogue throughout the entire thing, this feels a lot like one of those phoned-in episodes to help pad for time, hence 6.5.

In short?

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT ASS MONKEY NUGGET GARBAGE THIS SHOW HAS HAD TO OFFER SO FAR AND THAT IS SAYING A LOT!

I'm going to go flip some tables or some shit because OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?!