Diabolik Lovers Episode 05 - Still Just As Shitty As Ever

I have to wonder how many people actually bothered to watch this show up to this point. I mean, they lost me within the first five minutes, so how could they have possibly managed to keep someone's attention long enough to make it to the fifth episode?

The main defense for folks justifying the watching of anime is that the stories told in the anime format is so much better than anything you could get here in the states.

My friends, I am here to tell you that I've watched better Soap Operas than this steaming pile of garbage. And we all know Soap Operas are only one step up from Reality TV and Jerry Springer.

Let's face it folks, they're really pretty much on the same level.

So is there any hope at all for this steaming hot mess that would make Jackie Chan freak out?

... pffft as if.

We begin today's episode at the manor, where the girl is smelling a rose and reflecting on what Brosuke told her at the end of the last episode about the whole sacrifice thing. Which would have been great to know, I dunno, from the start when everybody was asking what the hell was going on. YOU INCLUDED. Saving that revelation for the fourth episode really wasn't doing anybody any favors, because that's the kind of bomb you WANT to drop on someone right from the start. THAT is how you screw with someone's mind, not by dragging it out endlessly.

Anyway the asshole brat with the bear shows up and is all "hey pick up those roses and come with me".

There's a joke here about critical plot elements somewhere.

Title screen, blah blah now they are walking through a forest and into a big old cemetery. The kid waxes poetic about how 'dark' they are and how they smell of death but... have you ever actually been to a cemetery man? Because they actually don't smell bad at all. I mean all of the bodies are literally SIX FEET BENEATH THE GROUND THERE IS NO ESCAPING OF BAD SMELLS.

He then begins to go on about how he just loves graves, how cold and quiet they are, how... indifferent to terror they are?

Way to bring that one home.

I'm really not sure what kind of mood they were attempting to set with this shot. It is all wrong. Why are we seeing a close pan up of an object that we should just see clearly in its entirety to help, you know, emphasize the weight of the thing? What were you super f***ing proud of the colors you used on this thing and really wanted to show off your work? Does your storyboard artist just not have a clue about shot composition? Do you even have a storyboard artist for that matter???

Holy shit man. Stating the obvious.

Dude is a vampire OF COURSE HIS MOTHER PASSED AWAY. How many vampires have YOU met whose parents were still alive? THAT IS NOT HOW ANY OF THAT WORKS JUST SO YOU KNOW. Anyways he starts getting really emo on us when he reveals that he is the one that killed his mother.

Not that it matters though. Anyway he asks her to put the bouquet of roses down and then she attempts to excuse herself, presumably to find her way out of this shitty show. But you really think he's going going to let her go without a temper tantrum?

Though, I have to concede that the kid actually makes a good point here, the first of this entire show: He invited her here for the sole purpose of, you know, getting to know him a little better. Something he asked about last episode. And as soon as he does she just decides to up and walk away? He accuses her of being pretty self-serving and pretty focused on herself, and... you know, I really cannot find anything wrong with that. Because he's right.

Mind you this doesn't make him any less of a creepy asshat, but at least he's able to make a legitimate point every now and again, so there's that I suppose.

Though, he chooses to act out this aggression towards her by... taking the bouquet and beating it against his mother's grave.

... not sure that would have been my first choice. Or second. Or tenth.

But she attempts to stop him from doing this because, well, it's his mother's grave which I guess bothers her suddenly, and he pulls out the most emo card of all:

Oh misplaced youthful aggression.

He quickly goes back over the deep end of course as he starts asking her if she gets her kicks out of lying to people, and proceeds to start laughing his ass off when she falls back over a ground marking. I guess he gets his kicks by watching her 'crawl around in the dirt and cry like the pathetic mortal' she is. Maybe if she does that he'll forgive her.

Of course she says sorry and he immediately goes "aw, you're sweet. I guess that'll do."


... I'm sorry did you just...?

He then immediately mounts her and oh I guess it is feeding time in the graveyard. Cool. She asks him to stop and he does, because he needs to consider something very important:

"If mortal women aren't given a kiss before being pleasured, do they become angry?"

So much hypocrisy in one sentence.

I am at a loss here. A complete loss. What in the hell is going on in this kid's head? Because NONE of this makes sense. NONE OF IT. You push her down, you make like you're gonna ravage her or something, then reconsider because... you are suddenly concerned for what a creature lower on the food chain thinks of you?

I'm sorry just a few seconds ago you were all telling her to crawl in the dirt and be pathetic and shit, so why are you even going on about this? This has nothing to do with your established character so far, it's like you're just trying to act out every vampire trope you know of despite the fact that ALMOST ALL OF THOSE ESTABLISHED TROPES HAVE BASICALLY BEEN THROWN OUT THE WINDOW ALREADY. None of these 'vampires' are classy, nor gentlemen, nor do they even seem to act remotely like a human being might.

So then he forces a kiss on her and then bites her neck, but is all "man, you smell familiar for some reason" because... you know I just don't even really care. I don't. They've already botched the delivery of that plot hook from the first episode, and completely ruined its delivery up to this point. There's no mystery here folks, this girl is a vampire. Or was a vampire. Or something.

For someone who is supposed to be important, it is infuriating that NONE OF THEM KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. Which then extends to the audience. This entire show is a bunch of people not knowing what the f**k is happening in their own home and nobody really seems to give two shits about it.

Which makes me wonder how they ever thought anybody would care enough to give a SINGLE shit about this show.

So he stops the sucking on her neck because she says it hurts and he's all "oh right I should make it feel good right?"

Has this dude EVER sucked blood? Because he makes it sound like this is something completely new to him which just completely f***ing baffles me. So what's he do? He bites her tit I guess while the teddy bear watches.

Eventually she gets back to the manor, and one of the dudes is just casually, you know. Hanging about.

Don't mind me I blend in with everything, he says.

This dude is named Richter.

... I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me for just a moment while I laugh my ass off at someone being named after a legendary vampire hunter.

Anyways I guess this dude is the 'uncle' they've been alluding to this entire time. Subaru (the pink-haired tough guy) is all "get lost" and then the wind kicks up and he's all "The awakening will manifest without awaiting it's time" and then he is gone.

Not only did that not make any sense, but I have to admit that of everyone in this show? THAT dude acts like a goddamn vampire. It's like all of these other assholes are just pretending, or are in school to become vampires or... something.

So this leaves him to just kind of sit there looking at Yui stumble towards the front door while he ponders the meaning of his 'uncle's' words.

Inside, it is even darker than it is outside, and as she goes to head into her room, I guess she walks into some other room and hears... a noise that sounds way too sensual to be in a show about vampires. They even accompany it with jazzy music for some reason.

I have no idea what is going on in this scene but according
to the music she is about to mount him like a stallion.

She reaches out and touches him and is surprised that he is, I dunno. Awake? Then he's all "I can't believe I was woken up by the smell of your blood."

... I don't even know where to begin with this. Just... I don't.

Vampires. Having nightmares. Okay. Sure. Fine. Whatever.

I was unaware that vampires just casually snoozed in the middle of the night. Or that they even had dreams. I must have missed that part of Dracula, where the big D himself was all tired and shit, and that's why the Harkers were able to destroy him.

This is just as hilarious IN context.

He gets up to make tea and I guess they have a little chat now. Or rather he makes tea for himself, while she just stands there waiting.

NO SHIT.

Just wait for it...

You did kind of promise to tell her what was going on
like, four episodes ago dude. What the hell.

He then... asks her if she really thought he was going to make tea for her.

No, that's actually the very next line. So the whole insinuating that he will explain everything? Yeah, he's not actually going to explain everything. All of that was a nice way of him saying "you are basically worth nothing, be glad I'm letting you smell my delicious tea".

This show is really starting to make me angry. Because not only are they not explaining anything, they are actively not explaining anything. Going out of their way to not explain anything, even. And being complete dicks about it as well.

Anyway she starts asking about the laboratory, which immediately goes into the question of "why do you hate Shu so much" which is promptly shut down by him declaring he's not gonna say shit. But then he walks to the window and has a flashback of when he was a smaller... vampire or boy or something? And that other brat was looking up to some blonde lady. Their mother? I dunno. He decides though that he's going to share some of his tea with Yui, and asks her to be his guest.

So... she drinks some and immediately drops it to the floor, and wonders what the hell is going on.

Oh good. I mean damn.

I guess he didn't expect that his crazy tea would make her feel numb, and immediately starts working to try and... I dunno. Cure her or something? He says something about having to make it all over again so I really have no clue what it is he's actually trying to accomplish here.

After shoving some liquid out of a bottle down her throat, she falls to the floor and coughs, which leads him to chastise her for 'rudely coughing so openly'. And then he asks what's wrong with her. I guess he expects her to clean up the mess.

Oh no she cut her hand.

So he takes her hand and immediately tells her not to get the wrong idea, since he doesn't like things that aren't perfect.

Oh I see so you hate the fact you are in this show?

Moments later he... either licks or hand or goes to bite her or something, then goes wide-eyed as he makes some kind of revelation I guess and immediately backs off. Taking off his gloves, he is all "I have soiled myself with your blood" like it's some kind of crime, and gives her the look.

You are marginally aware that you're not making
any sense at all? Okay.

I guess now is the time that he goes in to bite her neck, and he starts talking about how humans are little more than 'containers of blood', and how despite that, he feels the need to make her feel more pleasure than anyone else.

... yeah I get the feeling the explanation train has left the station for today's episode. I expect nothing else to make sense at this point.

So he bites down on her neck and pushes her against the bookcase and she tries to break him off, and he's all like 'yo, you want me to take care of that open wound? Because I'll totally bind that shit so tight your hand rots and falls off, just so you know'. Then he wants to know how she'll scream at that point. Which seems very appealing to him.

And then he's all "you'll die and that'll be great" and we get another flashback where some old lady talks about having 'witnessed his abilities with her own eyes'.

In his flashback, she talks about being happy that he is the one to have killed her.

You are clearly alone in this.

Then she dies and he's all like "why you smile when you die?" and he gets pissed off because his mom went out peaceful and smiling.  So then he picks up the unconscious Yui and is all "I won't allow it" and the episode ends.

The more I try to understand just what the hell is going on in this show, the more I realize that none of this shit makes any kind of sense. Why did he give her tea? Why did the tea make her numb all over the place? Why do vampires have actual mothers? Why does it seem like every vampire has this need to kill their mom? Is that just part of the rite of passage to becoming a vampire?

Then there's the question of why every character seems to have mood swings that range from 'relatively chill' to 'crazy train'. And then back again.

The plot makes no sense, the characters are all insane, and the audience is the one that loses out on the whole thing.

I really hate this show.