Diabolik Lovers Episode 4 - Neither Diabolik Nor Romantic

I put up with a lot of shit writing this blog.

I don't mean shit from the people who read this. No, the worst I've gotten from that is "WHY WOULD YOU WATCH THAT?!" Or maybe that time a certain friend was all "HEY YOU SHOULD WATCH KODOMO NO JIKAN I SWEAR IT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH TEARS." OH SURE THAT WENT OVER SUPER SWELL THANKS FOR ASKING. DICK.

But I digress. Because my point is that, quite frankly, I go through a lot of truly terrible SHIT to bring you this minefield of comedy gold. Am I mixing metaphors there? Probably. Am I gonna care?

Nah, not really. Today we're going back to Diabolik Lovers.

Today's episode starts at the school. Which of course happens to have the oldest telephone in existence.

I am fairly certain this thing should have cobwebs or something.
Nobody uses rotary phones anymore.

No sooner does she pick up the phone to discover it has no ring tone does Grape Kool-Aid appear to give her some shit. Because I guess he has nothing to do. His first words are "Do you know why I'm here?"

Not really.

"It's because I'm thirsty. And so is teddy." Oh, okay, so despite clearly looking as though you're 15 or something, you're going to keep acting like you're only eight. Fine fine, let's just get this over with mister "I vant to suck your blood" vampire.

... did I miss some dialogue somewhere or....?

Immediately she apologizes for coming off as callous but... hold the phone. Dude shows up out of nowhere, surprises you, demands a bite on your neck and then calls you callous, despite that you haven't said one word other than acknowledging your surprise at him suddenly being there?

And you apologize for that shit?!

My god, I honestly think Stephanie Meyer has better-written dialogue than this. I honestly do.

So after clearly missing the whole "I am a vampire who drinks blood" she tells the young man that she will go and buy him something to drink, and his little teddy bear too. Which... pisses him off or something?

Proof positive that Kanato is simply psychotic.

His next line is "I am the only adviser that he needs."

... what in the f**k?!

I just. I don't. Huh???? He asks his bear if this is in fact the case, and after realizing that this kid is batshit f***ing insane she apologizes for not knowing and runs off to get him (and the bear I guess) something to drink. While leaving her bag behind. I'm sure that won't come back to bite her (oh look another super clever vampire joke that is way more subtle than this pile of ass).

Cue shitty clock title screen where the clock actually strikes 4 this time. Oh the dramas.

So dumb butt brings back coffee which the kid promptly knocks out of her hand, declaring that he prefers sweet things. Well maybe if you weren't so busy being a jackass and maybe saying these things ahead of time instead of just straight up assuming everyone has telepathy, you might have a reason to be so angry, but honestly this is super entitled spoiled brat tantrum here. Shit, he even goes "I hate bitter things like coffee why can't you see that?"

Maybe because you never bother to communicate anything of value? Just a thought.

So you enjoy wasting your time on worthless people?

After trying to apologize, he tells her to stop talking back, because she has no right, and proceeds to make Prince Joffery look like a fairly swell guy.

Uh, because... she's sorry you find every reason to yell at her?

But when she asks what it is he wants from her, he says "I want you to figure that out on your own."

... yeah you're not really helping your case at all here kid. You are literally just throwing a f***ing tantrum for no reason and expecting people to understand how deeply emotionally tormented you feel on the inside because you are so goddamn emo because YOU ARE A VAMPIRE. My god I've found something worse than Edward Cullen.

My god. I don't think the universe is ready for this level of bullshit. I'm not sure it will ever be ready.

So after apologizing yet again she offers to get something else while the camera lingers on this awkward close-up for the boy for FAR TOO LONG. They're not even bothering to cut away when other people are talking. They straight up want you to get a good damn look at how lifeless this character is.

Way to go kid you managed to read my mind.

Now he does the complete face-heel-turn shit and is all wondering if she spilled coffee on her fingers. And wants to know if it hurt. Then... licks her fingers.

... this continues to get creepier by the second but I don't think it's for any of the reasons that the creators of this show intended because all this is doing is continuing to show us how completely insane this character is.

EMO ALERT EMO ALERT EMO ALERT ABORT ABORT!

Oh. My. God.

WARNING WARNING DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

She tells him that it's not like she hates him, and she would like to know more, but because he's being the most emo kid on the face of the planet, he's got to cut her off and continue to pretending to be super deep and shit.

I'd have an easier time understanding the mind of Nyarlathotep.

After walking off, the girl realizes her bag is gone, and dickhead emo brat reveals that he teleported it up onto the roof as 'punishment'. Really, he just wanted to prove what a complete dick he is. In addition to being super deep. And deeply emotionally disturbed. All he wants is someone to love him why can't anyone see that why doesn't anyone understand WHY IS LINKIN PARK THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS ME?!?!

Oh thanks for spending three minutes getting to the f***ing
point that is SUPER HELPFUL.

Then there's a moon and she's on the roof collecting her bag, and someone nearby is declaring their love. To... I dunno. The air or something.

Brosuke... no. Don't do this. Don't do the emo thing too.
Please. I am begging you. Don't do this shit.

Eventually he realizes that some human is eavesdropping, and I have to point out how amazing it is that for the massive size of this school there is literally NO ONE ELSE that could have possibly been standing there. So of course now is the time where he has to stop pretending to have an orgasm over remembering someone from his past and to continue being as obscene as possible for no real reason.

Of course because she heard him talking to himself on the roof and because she somehow managed to sneak up on a teleporting vampire monologuing aloud, he decides she needs to be punished too, and begins to literally choke the life out of her. After pushing her up against the wall he tells her how thirsty the 'dwellers of the night' get on nights like this, and promises to bit her wherever it is most tender.

Also the need to constantly croon about how thirsty they get,
instead of simply slaking said thirst.

After licking her neck, he declares his excitement which may or may not be due to the moonlight, and finally goes in for the bite. But midway he realizes something is off and she runs out of the school, going for the nearest payphone while once more forgetting her bag.

I get the feeling this isn't acting, but the VA calling her
manager and forgetting to leave the sound booth.

But who should answer on the other end of the line but our very own Evil Yosuke? Why, how did he manage to get all the way to the Father's house? But he knows all about her, and totally has the magic power to... swap... telephone numbers...?

This show is as subtle as a Shamalyan film going LOOK
AT ME LOOK AT HOW DARK AND EDGY WE ARE!!

Once again she runs off and forgets that he can just teleport off-screen, and winds up running right into him in the street. But as she struggles to get free, there is some kind of news report which I guess is far more interesting than tormenting some harmless little girl, and his attention seems divided by something that screams EXPOSITION louder than that four-year-old in the candy aisle.

.... okay just what is even the point here.

He tells her that the guy on TV is their father.

... their father is a statesman.

.... who is also a vampire.

One might think that is precisely the kind of thing people might wonder about after a few decades.

All aboard the exposition express folks.

She says his name, realizes she has the same hair color, then says "Karl Heinz" and promptly passes out in the middle of the... completely deserted city streets. Oh. Okay then. Sure glad there are roughly zero people around to witness this or that might be awkward. He catches her though, and asks who she really is.

Back at the manor, she wakes up in bed and wonders what happened to her. After staring at her rosary for a bit, she gets up and begins to walk around, finding that the front door isn't locked for once. So she runs off into the misty... morning? Evening? I dunno, she goes to a church and she asks God what the hell is going on. And if the Father is still doing okay.

As you can imagine, this means it's time for Brosuke to make an appearance and be, yet again, a complete douche by telling her God won't answer. Oh and it's morning I guess, and she wonders how he managed to find her. But instead of answering, he tells her to just stop trying to run away. Or at least try running somewhere other than a church I mean... yeah.

So she asks if he knows anything about her father.

Uh, she does. That's why she asked you idiot.

He pulls her close and promises to expose her for what she is, and she calls out for anyone to help her, including god, and... somehow manages to push him off, which makes him laugh.

Wait a moment haven't I heard something similar before...?

Hold on I can't quite place it...

Ah there we go.

He finds this whole thing amusing how she still believes in God and shit like it's the Tooth Fairy or something, and asks a really important question.

Why's it gotta be one or the other?

He loses interest in this line of questioning quickly though and decides to just go on about how pointless life is and all that and how she needs to stop believing that if she prays things will be alright. While they're off having that conversation in the background we see some green-haired douche in that on room that used to be locked sliding a bookcase aside and walking into a secret passage.

Some lights turn on inside, and we see what they were hiding in that room all while he promises to unlock all that lust and passion she has building up inside or something.

That's exactly the kind of thing you want to be on display.

Pushing her down on the altar, and he asks how she wants this. Wait, is he talking about sucking her blood or doing her because I'm confused. Regardless, she has reservations about doing it in a church. Particularly on a relatively uncomfortable altar, which is surprisingly sensical given her normal outbursts.

He goes on to say that he really likes the fact that her eyes are closed, and that she can get mad and stuff.

He likes it when his ladies belittle him.

Blah blah I'm a vampire and you are no match and now I am going to force you to do things you don't want while I slowly undress you and talk about either doing you or sucking your blood or both who knows or cares.

... blush like a little girl?

She declares her intention to never submit and he's all "your resistance makes my penis harder I am going to bite your thigh now" and we get to see the stained glass in the ceiling, and he's all "lol time to act like a tormenting vampire, oh by the way you were given to us by the church as a sacrifice".

SUPER PLOT TWIST EXTREEEEEEEME.

An actual quote from the production team, I believe.

He bites down on her neck and declares nobody was ever saved by belief, and then we get our ending credits finally.

Now that all of this is over, I have to sit here for a few minutes and take in everything that just happened. And I have to ask myself: what was the point of any of this, exactly? If they wanted to shock us, they could have just told us this shit from episode one. Instead, they played the "nobody knows what is going on" card, but now suddenly he knows all the secrets?

I get that they aren't human. They've only been playing that up super hard since the first time one of them was on-screen. What I don't get is how they've suddenly gone from not knowing what the hell is going on to just simply not telling her because her not knowing is clearly going to be a thing which causes less trouble.

This show has so many holes it makes a Michael Bay movie look like freaking Avatar.

... no not that one written by James Cameron.

And no, not that atrocity of a movie that Shamalamadingdong made. I mean the cartoon series. You know. The Last Airbender? The good one?

Yeah, it's that bad.