Sailor Moon R Episode 37 - The Shocking Future! Dimande's Dark Ambition

Wow. This is my 175th Anime watching entry. That is quite the accomplishment. I mean, I've watched... a lot of truly, truly terrible anime by this point.

... and you know it suddenly occurs to me that if I had simply chosen to stick with only Sailor Moon I would be halfway through SS now.

... I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep now...

Fighting evil, daylight, etc etc. Wait, that's the American version, whoops. I mean talking about not saying things and seeing shit in your dreams and brains being on fire. Also moonlight being a thing or something and heart kaleidoscopes.

I cannot be the only one who thinks that the Japanese version of the song is just a lot more badass than what we got stateside. Seriously. Whoops, the show is starting! And what's going down? Some pretty rapey stuff actually.

Whoa mama!!

So this episode is all about Dimande showing Sailor Moon his third eye and trying to make out with her.

Oh my god I just said that with a straight face what is going on here? Anyways when we left off they finally made it to the future and it wasn't all they thought it would be. It's all cold and frozen and uh, you know. Pretty post-apoc-ey. Like all things in the 90's were.

Pretty sure you missed the part where the city got
blown the f**k up in those flashbacks.

So they consider that everyone might be dead and Chibi-usa freaks out and goes running off, because nobody has the foresight to try and stop her. Then they all go running off, and don't mind them just casually slipping in the title slide there. Just, y'know. Gonna sorta... put it there and uh, drama! I wonder what happens next?

Predictably they all go running into the fog only to discover they cannot find the girl, and if it weren't for the fact that she is not only their only ride home but, I dunno, kind of the reason they came here in the first place I for one would be all for just leaving her to die, because I swear to god this is the stupidest little girl in the world. How many f***ing times are you going to ask someone for help and then run off completely ruining every chance they have of actually helping you accomplish your damned goal?! It is seriously getting old. Like, you literally JUST went through ANOTHER freaking reversal of heart in the LAST EPISODE. Which was only like FIVE MINUTES AGO IN REAL TIME. SWEET JESUS GIRL, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

So a figure in the distance approaches, and shock and amazement, it's Tuxedo Mask! Even though he's kinda, you know. Standing there already. DRAMATIC MUSIC GO!

Pffft, what's a thousand years got to do with anything?

Take note of that number. I'm sure it will become important here soon enough.

So now Sailor Moon has a future flashback to the wedding that hasn't happened yet complete with champagne showers. I guess Tuxedo Mask probably ahs the same vision too since he's always having that dream and she finally puts two and two together, he's the dude from the dream. Oh, and also? He's not actually there.

Oh god are we seriously reverting back to old names now?
Is it really so hard to just pick a NEW NAME what three is
enough? Oh, okay then never mind carry on.

Oh and he goes on to say "yeah I'm actually you in the future. Seriously, just... don't be surprised. It was old then. Still old now a thousand years later."

The girls are understandably confused, and Sailor Moon asks the obvious question: Why in the hell did the future husband of her dreams give her all those horrible nightmares (and himself as well) which indicated that they should probably break up because bad shit would happen? I mean, why exactly would he basically ensure that a stable time loop could occur? I mean, you know it's not like that shit is important or anything.

Ami points out the obvious though: That Endymion is not really there. One would think that the fact that Tuxedo Mask literally passed right through him in an attempt to strike the man down would've been her first freaking clue there, but... well, with an IQ like that? You've got to be absolutely sure I guess.

A THOUSAND YEARS WHY ARE YOU SO SURPRISED?!

He asks them all to follow him so he can explain this whole thing. Oh and by the way don't worry about the kid he's got her safely stashed away... somewhere. So no worries there. Come along, to a special place, where you can be close to each other (uh-huh).

Turns out though that Dimande is watching and thinking to herself hot damn how much that Sailor Moon looks like Queen Serenity. I CANNOT IMAGINE WHY. Oh and also he is all "do want must have mine mine mine". Because they need to really drive in home the creep factor here, for whatever reason. Because it's not enough to want to nail someone now, no, you have to also want to nail her when she is still in Junior High School.

Because, you know. That's even family friendlier.

Bro, why can't you be into more normal kinky stuff? Like,
just going out on a limb here... gay incest? I mean, why not?

Esmeraude is also pretty distraught over this too.

I just love that look on her face for some reason.

Anyway Saphir is all "bitch this is your fault" and she's all "I'll deal with it" but Dimande is all "NOPE. IS MINE. YOU GO FIND THE LITTLE GIRL. THIS ONE IS MINE. MWAHAHAH. MINE MINE MINE."

I can't help but think just how appropriate their reaction
to his utterly absurd order is.

He vanishes and Esmeraude throws her fan at the... electrical projector thingy which... electrocutes her fan I guess? And she's all being playing the "DAT'S MAH MAN" card, so of course she's going to have a super-vested interest in making sure someone dies today.

Elsewhere, the girls and cats and guy and future-but-not-really-there guy show up at their 'old base'. A place where the enemy would never bother to look I'm sure. They ask where the kid is and future dick is all "eh, she's safe, now stay still while I set up a pentagram below you and show you some stars while I narrate this badass story."

So their story begins... at some point I guess. A 'great calamity' befalls the Earth, and it settles into a 'deep sleep'. I guess they sleep and shit for hundreds of years or something and in the 30th century, Sailor Moon wakes up the world or something. Except now she's Neo Queen Serenity. Because Queen Serenity was I guess just not a good enough name for her. Also, you've got to make sure to have an even more badass name when you rename Tokyo CRYSTAL TOKYO.

Because normal cities are just passe.

Then some evil douchebags show up and after fighting a long time, they managed to suppress them. Not all of them wanted to be purified though by the Silver Kool-Aid, and ran back off into space. To find some other planet.

Yes girls it sounds as dumb as you think it does.

Nemesis is the tenth planet in the solar system. Because nine just wasn't enough. Not that Pluto is even a planet anymore...

He refers to it as a "phantom planet", whose presence couldn't be detected until sometime in the year 30XX I guess. And they only found it because, well, it was kind of emitting evil energy. So enter the Black Moon, and the Dark Moon Clan. Nemesis shows up and kind of nukes the world with billions of those floating crystal palace thingies, and then the Sailor Stars (you know, Mars, Mercury, Jupiter and Venus) do that thing where they Planet Power a magical protection screen which I guess is still standing today. Oh and yes, that's them in the future in case they didn't put that together. Which they didn't.

Everyone is sleeping for now, and even Endymion has been injured and can just astral project himself for now. Oh and the Queen is also kind of in a coma. So... good luck guys, if the future you couldn't handle it, I'm sure you'll just handle things super easy!

But of course he's gotta be a real downer and go "yeah so since the Queen is kinda out of commission we can't save the city and we're kinda boned."

Just look at how distraught he is, look at him!

Oh, and after all of this time Sailor Moon finally puts it together that that whole super Queen that saves the world thing? That's kind of HER in the future. Because, you know, future everyone else wasn't a big enough freaking clue. Grats on being jealous of your own daughter in the future by the way, I am sure that this will in no way hinder your relationship with her in the future. Not a single bit.

You are standing beside a guy who is standing in front
of you in the future, seriously why are you so surprised?

I guess this is the perfect time for a commercial break. I guess.

Just in case you somehow missed the first half of this episode, they repeat once more that Neo Queen Serenity is the queen of the future city, Crystal Tokyo. In the 30th century. Which is the future.

OKAY WE GET IT. QUEEN IS A QUEEN. IN A FUTURE
CITY. IN THE FUTURE. WE GET IT.

Sailor Moon takes a good long look at a projection of herself in the future, and they discover that she is encased in what looks like the Silver Crystal, but is actually just some other crystal that the Sailor Scouts summoned up in order to keep her safe. Which kind of made her fall asleep I guess. Oh and then he talks about "small lady". Which as we all know is the tiny kid who clearly just doesn't have a real name other than Usagi. For some reason.

... you ever get the feeling that, for people with so many freaking names, they are just really terrible at coming up with new names?

So the hologram goes away and they find little Chibi-usa lying in a round bed... which was under the floor. Oh and congrats guys because that's your daughter that you haven't had by the way. So uh. Yeah. Can't imagine why she didn't recognize you guys or anything.

Good god are you dense. If she is future you's daughter,
then OF COURSE THAT MAKES HER YOURS TOO.

They share a rather amusing moment where they double, triple, then quadruple-take, and turn beet red.

"It's not too late to change the future yet, right?" - Mamoru

The other girls make a big deal about this of course. And Mars asks exactly when this happened. But Endymion ignores this question, and instead asks them to forgive his daughter. She grew up hearing all these amazing stories about Sailor Moon. Yet somehow neglected to mention that SHE WAS HER MOM FOR SOME REASON. Which was her whole reason for going back in the past to find the find the "Legendary Super Warrior" to help stop the evil guys from getting the Silver Crystal, destroying the world, and then eating all of their pancakes.

Of course that whole palace getting protected by a barrier thing didn't go over well with them, so they decided to head back into the past as well and start trying to take over the Earth from there. Because one would think that would be easier. I mean, it's not like that would create a time paradox or anything. Time paradoxes don't exist, because if they did then none of this would make any sense at all am I right? I mean, why would you go back into the past to change the future without realizing that if you did that you wouldn't need to go back into the past to do that in the first place because that's just ridiculous am I right? I mean, seriously right?

No pressure I mean it's not like you haven't already
done exactly that in the future so... yeah.

I guess now is the time for him to reveal his reason for giving the lovebirds those nightmares. It was... to test their love.

That is actually he legit reason. To test their love. Because I guess despite being a him from the future, he would question his own loyalty to the person he married.

My god his dickotry truly knows no bounds!

Also there's a thing about how their bond of true love will let them believe in each other and overcome the obstacles that stand in front of them. So there's that too I suppose. They should always love and trust one another no matter what. Because that's love. Even though he totally made himself not love or trust her in the past. Which made her do the same for him. I mean...

God. Seriously these freaking logic loops are killing me man. These are plot holes big enough to drive a Mack truck through. For real.

But the really cherry on top of this cake is when he asks them to please protect their daughter. Because I guess he is kind of partial to her.

Talking to yourself just went to a whole new level of weird.

Just wait though. Just wait.

Ah, thanks for that, King.

Then he vanishes which surprises everyone for some reason, and then Dimande shows up with the black wind, and he's all "oh hey look it's that girl who has the same eyes as that chick who tossed me off her planet so many years ago, she's still kinda hot even if her boobs are kinda smaller but whatever I will totes tap that for three mana if you know what I mean".

Oh and then he shows everyone his third eye.

Get your minds out of the gutter for real.

He demands that Sailor Moon will come with him, and nobody can breath and all the Scouts lose their powers. He laughs, and just casually takes Sailor Moon and Small Lady. Except Tuxedo Mask whips out that can and hits him in the arm, which... makes Sailor Moon drop Small Lady I guess? Not like it matters though, Dimande is all like "I wanted both of 'em but eh, f**k it."

Oh that rape face.

His third eye unleashes another wad of energy and then they vanish, while Tuxedo Mask is all "girls, take this other girl so I can be a hero!" and future him is all "whoa dude, chill, I got this, see I know where he's gone, having been through this exact same shit before."

Okay so maybe he's not so certain.

Enter, the bedroom. Sailor Moon wakes up and is wearing that fairy dress. Her broach is gone. Wait no, it's right beside her, and she feels super weak. Then she realizes she's in Dimande's room, and he's all "wow you woke up fast, I am super impressed by which I mean I am totally growing a forest in my pants right this very second."

He also introduces himself, and welcomes her to his base of operations. And addresses her properly.

They really just love tacking 'future' onto everything...

So he's all "let's talk, by which I mean, let me lift you up in the air with my magic powers" and she tries to transform and that doesn't work. Because the Silver Crystal has no power near the Evil Black Crystal. It's kind of its thing. He tries to grab her shoulder, and she shrugs him off, and he just... rape face is the only way to describe it.

They are seriously just not even subtle about this shit.

So he paralyzes her again, tells her to get comfy and use the room how she likes because she is gonna be there forever. It will be her "final resting place". Yeah that's... not creepy at all. She asks him why he's targeting Earth, and his reply? Because with the Black Crystal he controls time, space, and energy.

... wait that didn't explain anything at all, care to try again?

"I can obtain any planet or dimension I want."

Oh, okay. Megalomania then. Gotcha. Let's cut to Tuxedo Mask flying in on a hanglider.

Yeah, it's a thing for some reason.

Dimande continues his little monologue where he's all "no matter what it took I wanted to make you mine" and he whips out that third eye again, but just as they're about to make with the kissing Tuxedo Mask charges in and she's thinking she is hallucinating, and starts crying because she's about to lock lips with some other dude and ROSE TO THE FACE. Oh wait it misses and hits the ground like always. But it does drop the girl back to the bed.

Let's just ignore how he managed to get through a glass
wall nearly a FOOT THICK. We'll assume that hole
was just always there, in case of exactly this emergency.

At least he gets upset over something reasonable for a change. The whole using magic to force yourself on a woman, totally unforgivable. That's at least worthy of outrage. Dimande proves however that he is unable to penetrate Tuxedo Mask's cloak of invulnerability, and finds himself suddenly surrounded by dark energy? Wait what is going on here?

Tuxedo Mask whips out his staff and points it at the girl's direction, and she promptly hops on and rides it all the way to the top.

I'm talking about his cane, geez, calm down people. Yes the imagery is there but holy crap. Though come to think of it is is a black magic staff OH GOD.

They abscond and leave Dimande to grab his third eye which freaked out or something, and Esmeraude just watches the two lovebirds fly off, while Saphir is all "so uh, I hope you didn't have anything to do with that escape because I will totally shank a bitch if that's the case."

Why, it's not like I've done that every single fight at all.

Saphir says that jealous women are untrustworthy hos, and isn't she liking this whole escape thing just a tad bit too much? But she laughs it off. After all, it's only Dimande she's after, why she pledged everything to him. Including her virginity. Which is probably why she is so uptight when you think about it.

My god that expression is just terrifying.

It's not like she'd ever do anything against his wishes. Like try to kill the woman he asked her to bring back alive. And Saphir is all "yeah, I feel the same way", and reveals that he too hates Sailor Moon. Which means they really are on the same page. They look off into the distance, where the two lovebirds are just holding onto each other, and he's all "so yeah I guess our real test of love hasn't even started yet?" and she's all "SHUT UP AND KISS ME WHILE THE SNOW WHIPS AROUND US" so they do that and the episode ends.

I won't lie. I am kind of enjoying myself. But at the same time, I cannot help but point out just how horribly constructed this story is. Or become infuriated by the fact that there are plot holes the size of Jupiter. Or Jupiter's tits. Which is bigger do you think?

What I'm saying is, even though I think this is kind of hilarious, it's for all the wrong reasons. The show has so much potential, but at this point it is buried beneath mountains of bullshit that just makes you wonder what the hell the writer was thinking when she wrote this.

Though, that said, there's always the chance that the manga just makes a lot more sense.

It's a chance I'm willing to leave unsubstantiated.