The Qwasar of Stigmata Episode 04 - The Queen and I

I've been feeling quite a bit unwell as of late. I would love to lay all of the blame on horrendous shows not unlike the one I am about to subject myself to, but you know, I think that at least some of the blame should lay firmly in the realm of the North Pole attempting to kill us all.

Y'know, that thing. The thing where it reminds us temperatures below zero exist, and that ice is a thing which gets very, very hard.

But mostly I'm sure it's the anime. Does it say something that I would rather brave the -20 wind chill than to sit in a warm house and have to watch this shit? Because my vote is yes.

Right, so jumping right into it, they pick up... from before the part where we left off last episode. Oh. Okay.

The secret is: This show never gets better.

Anyway she's all talking about how as soon as she saw the little girl, it was like she was struck by lightning and knew for a fact that she had to sodomize the shit out of that lovely little lolita. Even though she quite definitely lacked the proper plumbing. Flash forward to the part where they actually left off and the little girl is all "yo, tell me you're a perv and I will reward you with some lovely clam chowdah".

Seriously show, just what the hell. So she leans in clearly having some kind of weird acid trip experience, but then the kid gets all offended when she actually tries to take her up on this offer, and mamabot just hauls her on up. The brat says something about her being of a 'higher quality' than probably that other chick whose name I haven't bothered to remember, it being as forgettable as pretty much everybody else's name in this show so far short of Mother f***ing Teresa, and quickly has that top popped off faster than you can say Pringles.

So the girl tells her that she is nothing more than a "Megdala", which I guess translates from some language into "Female Slave". So... why not just say "you my bitch now?" Because that is a lot less confusing. And, you know, way less pretentious.

So we get a lovely little closeup as she starts suckling on them massive air bags and the girls screams and honestly, why is she terrified by this? I mean she's basically seen the kid as nothing more than a sex object so being taken advantage of by said object is a horrifying experience? I don't get it. I don't think I want to get it.

Anyway we get an opening blah blah boring ass typical anime bullshit and of course, the first thing we see is a close-up of good ol' whatshis/hername Saladin doing... something. Oh I see, he's out shopping with the girls. Even the sister.

Why are you so terrible at being a Sister, Teresa?

While dumbass there is distracted by a butterfly (seemingly having spent so much time in a convent that they are pretty much like unicorns to her), our idiotic Bleach-ripoff with a different hair color heroine is busy extoling the virtues of how very Japanese it is to go around buying shit at cheap prices. Because... I don't even know. How is that Japanese? I mean, I get buying shit you want for as little as possible, because that is pretty damn Japanese. But just buying random shit? That's not exactly being frugal with your money, that's just feeding the monster that is rampant consumerism, which is really more American than anything. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a dumb American myself.

Spending money you can't afford to spend on unnecessary
things? Yes that is incredibly Japanese.

Eventually, Teresa just wanders off, and Tomo catches her idiotic friend in a stupidity loop when she says "it's not like we're spending unnecessarily, it's more like we're saving by buying useless junk now so we don't have to buy it later", and Tomo laughs and is about to get bonked on the head with a rolled-up newspaper when suddenly, somebody takes offense to this and cuts up said paper, looking all 'rar argh rar'.

Also the animation budget has been exceeded already, so
expect more quality drawings like this!

So wonderboy there threatens her with bodily harm by saying if she even touches her best friend, he will straight up shank a bitch and not shed one tear. Okay, tough guy. Sure. Play the suddenly overprotective guardian card while you let the person you should be protecting just casually wander off from the rest of the group.

Anyways their wandering pal finally walks back over as a literal crowd of people watches him threaten the life of another human being, in public, in a very unchristian-like manner. Ah but then people get bored and red there goes off on him talking about how Japan is the safest country in the world and... I'm sorry, what exactly are we supposed to be learning here? What kind of character development is supposed to be occurring? And what exactly is the deal with Teresa? Is that ever gonna be explained? No? Okay then we'll move along.

But then some weird dude shows up, asking them to look at a paper he's holding I guess.

You can tell how important it is to the plot by how close
the object is to the camera.

It turns out that this girl is missing, but is he a relative? Nope. He's just a "volunteer". Y'know, for all of the people who have mysteriously gone missing recently.

.... uh-huh. Sure. Hold one a moment let me just look at something here...

Weird, middle-aged emo guy with blonde hair concerned
with the well-being of people he's never met... seems legit.

Sasha gives him the glare of doom, and while the girls can't help him, he asks them to please say a prayer for all of the missing, and they cut to black which... fades right back into the scene we were already taking part in? Huh? O-kay, did something happen there that was supposed to be... significant? I'm confused. But Sangria's take-away is that he now gets to question the validity of Paprika's little claim that Japan is, in fact, "the safest country in the world". Yeah okay because all of them are clearly in any position to talk about ANYWHERE being safe what with people seeming to actively be trying to kill the guy that you are now shacking up with.

But before Sasha can go back home, Tomo has decided that there's one more place she needs to go. Which is... to purchase bras. Because her breasts are still growing.

I'm about to underestimate the damage my desk is
about to do to my face.

Teresa happens to see a pink thing that catches her eyes, and why does it interest her? Because it's cute? Because it is frilly? Because the color matches something? Nope, because it has a front hook which would make things "much more convenient". Cue the most horribly out of place material in this supposedly deadly serious anime you will ever witness.

I'm sorry what was the tone of this show supposed to
be again, exactly? Because I am completely lost.

It is of course brought to you in all of it's three frames per second glory.

But it quickly switches to ULTRA REALISTIC BREAST RELEASE CLOSEUP before going back to chibi full-on sexy times style, and ending with mister grumpy there saying that on the topic of convenience, maybe she should just not wear anything at all.

Personally? I think it makes for a really good mustache.

That thing is dapper as f**k.

Of course the attendant at the store invites her customers to try on their selections before purchasing them, and leads them by their boobs to their destination.

No. I'm not even shitting you. She walks up behind Teresa and Tomo, grabs a boob with each hand, AND LEADS THEM AWAY.

Nothing in this world makes sense anymore.

I'm sorry. Did that not make any sense to you? Here. Let me put that into perspective, and suddenly make that look normal.

WHAT THE F**K IS EVEN GOING ON HERE.

No, you didn't miss anything in between there. Tomo starts popping her top and mysteriously, Sasha is now right with her again. And Teresa is still trying to wear a bra as a mustache. And that attendant? Gone. Doesn't even acknowledge what's going on. Not even anywhere remotely close by. I imagine we will never see her again. She no longer exists in this narrative. Her entire purpose in life was to act as a visual aid of that madness you just saw mere moments ago, so that they could give you this.

Without any. Goddamn. Explanation. At all.

Okay. I'll admit it. THIS was funny.

He tells the girls "don't worry, I'm just here to protect you" and two seconds later, BAM. KENDO'D. DRAGGED OUT OF STORE. But it would appear that lady has some ulterior motive for wrangling those pair of petite pillowcushions, as she beckons them to please continue and of course gives the SUPER CREEPY CLOSE-UP SMIRK OF EEEEVIL.

Okay guys seriously, SERIOUSLY? This is what you
are resorting to in order to retain viewers?!

So she stares at things she would never even be able to dream of affording because I guess that is what girls do, and Sasha comments on what a waste of time this entire show is. I mean, what a waste of time her looking is. Eh, either is an equally valid interpretation I suppose, considering the artwork has taken a dive so far that literally none of the frames in this particular sequence can even remain solid from frame to frame. Holy christ I haven't seen shoddy animation work like this since Adult Swim.

He offers to buy the thing for her and she gets all excited but then he reveals that he is just trolling her in what I guess is supposed to be endearing or something? Supposed to be insinuating that character growth is occurring? I'm really not entirely certain there, because more important things are happening. Like Tomo all pushing her massive meatbuns up against Teresa's back, all whispering in her ear and shit and I'm sorry did we change shows again because I AM STILL CONFUSED AS TO WHAT WE ARE WATCHING HERE.

.... that was your payoff?

... okay show. Okay. I see where we are going with this. Alright. Fine. You wanna play? Let's play.

Right then. So they get all comfy and stuff, and promptly get tazed mere moments later by, shocker, that creepy attendant who works at the shop. Which works I guess, and then we cut to later when... those other girls are doing stuff. You know, the ones that are possibly on Team Evil or whatever. That pink haired one is busy doing girly things with clothes while her pal is in the back room drooling with her boopies just kinda flapping in the breeze there. Meanwhile meanwhile, Sasha and clueless find out their friends have 'already left' and one of them has a flashback to that paper from earlier and uh... I guess that tells them something is wrong? But before Mafuyu can go running off ol' bloodhound there steps into the changing room their friends were in, and literally says that he can smell the ozone from electricity making contact with the air.

So. At this point I'm pretty sure that Qwasar is just jumping off the rails at this point because Sasha looks at the attendant, she gets scared or something, he swats in her general direction, the tazer just mysteriously appears out of freaking nowhere, and she falls to the ground.

Not a single f***ing instant of this made any sense whatsoever, except that to try and convince us that Sasha is awesome.

Spoiler alert: He's really not and is in fact a very poorly written character with no development short of whatever the plot dictates he is supposed to do.

Anyways he goes back in there discovers a trap door in the floor and we see some dudes filming an almost naked Tomo and admiring her chestiness while... they give her... a pronunciation quiz?

... okay okay I'm sorry. What in the f**k is going on in this show exactly again? Because it's like every two minutes, it manages to find a way to baffle me even more than before.

... make that every thirty seconds because they cut back to a 'punishment game' where Tomo and Teresa are being... tickled.

No. I'm not even shitting you. They are being tickle tortured. Except Teresa is just being rubbed in general while being quiet I guess? And blindfolded. I'm sorry WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

But, of course, as all of this gets to an increasingly confusing and more deeply concerningly fetish-specific head, Sasha busts in through the ceiling in what is, without a doubt, the best animated sequence in the entire show so far.

Oh shit that's where the budget went?!

So the animation suddenly takes a leap as we realize that the real animation team has once more taken the reins behind this show, and we get to see what are legitimately some pretty good, if a tad rough, action sequences, culminating with Teresa straight up jacking the lead camera man's shit with an amazing kick to the back of the head.

Then he asks Teresa what happened, she's all "I got carried away with shopping" and he's all "pfft, safest country, whatevs". Then Mafuyu shows up and nobody gave a shit. But who is the one crying here? Not Tomo. No she's the one comforting Mafuyu, who has been through... nothing at all. But then she demands the police be involved and you know, I really have to wonder, what exactly was threatening about this whole thing? You built up this deep dark people disappearing thing, and their entire sinister plot was to tickle attractive girls to death?!

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be laughing, crying, cursing, or pissing myself because of how frightening this show is supposed to be. Because it is not accomplishing anything short of the cursing at this point, and not in a good way.

Oh wait there's the supposed "evil" thing. That coffin just kinda pops out of the ground and that one blonde girl shows up finally, and greets Sasha. One quick commercial break later, Mafuyu wonders what the hell is going on, and then mommy comes out to play with Sasha. It's revealed that she is maybe one of the "twelve adepts" which is a thing that makes no sense because hey, it's not like they've bothered to actually explain any of the shit so far, we're just expected to KNOW these things like they make sense or something, and we discover that the animators they hired to do all that amazing 'beat up the evil film voyeurs' scene were fired for being too awesome, as we are now once more back into the 'cardboard cutouts floating around while posed awesomely' territory.

God, this show can't even be consistently bad! Does that somehow mean it is a whole other level of worse?

But hey Sasha identifies her as a "Bronze user", realizes he is low on Soma and that this thing was kinda planned, and he quickly takes a moment to stab at Mafuyu by saying he is totally uninterested in her soma even at a time like this.

So Teresa pops over to give him a bit of milk, he drinks, and she whispers sweet nothings of "go kill some bitches' into his ear, and then shit explodes. But oh boy, now he's all magically charged with the power to control steel or some shit, and they go back into your typical action anime bullshit. You know, the ones where they try to portray action without actually portraying it. But he of course gets caught because it's too early in the show for him to be getting the beatdown on the loli, and she tells him all about how awesome Copper is. Like how it's used in like high voltage lines and shit.

Blah blah some boring exposition of names, and Mafuyu finds a fire hose which acts nothing like one would expect, sprays the villains and then goes "I dare you to use electricity again!"

... oh god. Seriously, I've seen garden hoses with more power than that shit, you have a GODDAMN FIRE HOUSE, KNOCK SOME BITCHES OVER. THAT IS WHAT THEY DO. THEY DO NOT LIGHTLY SPRINKLE THAT SHIT LIKE IT IS A THING YOU PUT ON YOUR F***ING LAWN PEOPLE. THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE THIS IS COMMON F***ING SENSE.

I guess this is enough to make her stop though, as Teresa is all like "yo, that all? I mean seriously, you said hi, so can we just call this quits?" and the little girl is all "Oh, guess you got a point, welp, nice to meet you we'll just leave now, kthxbai" and up and just leaves. No explanation, no nothing. She just says goodbye and leaps through the roof and I guess this would be the best place to end this episode if there weren't another seven minutes left in the sonofabitch.

Because what we really needed after all of this? Was this scene.

This. F***ing. Scene.

Bitch McTitshits comes in to find her friend totally devoid of energy and this little brat all putting on the poor little girl routine who somehow managed to get herself soaking wet. She gives a spiel about how she met some 'grey-haired boy' and there was some shit that happened and she thought they were from the same country and is anybody even still listening to a goddamn word because holy crap my brain shut off like two minutes ago.

This is entirely the right reaction.

Oh, and of course the artwork has to take a literally disgusting turn as things cease to operate as one would expect them too, character proportions cease to matter, and of course the dumb broad there identifies the culprit as none other than that thirteen year old boy she is hoping to bang at her incredibly Christian school.

But they're gonna keep trying to drag this trainwreck out as long as possible because they have dead time to fill, and now is a great time to try and play the horror card again, so let's have a little girl grab some ass and talk some smack!

Jesus. I mean... Jesus.

There's some close-up fondling, some fingers going up asscracks, and then I guess Teresa is supposed to be trying to fill us in on the plot that makes no sense whatsoever. I guess that Ekaterina shit is supposed to be their ally. Sort of. But not really. But kinda. Nobody's really sure what the hell is going on. This takes a backseat to little Sasha's temper-tantrum I guess.

I don't even have the energy to mock this shit anymore.

Meanwhile, Father Starwind is all watering flowers and talking on the phone about making arrangements for the little girl. Gee, I wonder what kind of arrangements those would be? I'm gonna guess she will suddenly become a member of the school and attend lessons because... why the hell not, everybody else is doing it. Kat breaks the news to her new friends and says she can't live with them, and they part ways.

Now there's another scene. It's late at night, and that brunette is having some issues about how she was never like this before. She gets home and flashes her panties and realizes nobody seems to be home. Except that one girl, who... has way more animation consistency than the food I guess.

WHO THE HELL IS  DRAWING THIS SHIT?!?!

Jesus christ they can't even get the animations to match up in the same SHOT anymore!!! This show is falling apart and it's only the fourth episode! She screams at the little girl who grabs her nipple and is like "oh please, you like it. But whatever if you don't like it I guess I could just, y'know, find someone else who does" and I... guess this has some kind of profound impact on her character or some shit? Because she immediately demands that the kid stick around. Cue more nipple tweaking and kissing and holy shit what in the name of god am I even watching.

No seriously what am I even watching I don't get it anymore. Why is this show...

No. Just no. This show? It needs to die in a fire. It needs to stop existing because it finally crosses the line when it shows a thirteen year old girl getting eaten out.

Cut to a totally unrelated scene where we see some dude talking to a crucified corpse.

Oh look it's Soldat J again.

Some shadowy figures vanish behind him, he talks about some unintelligible shit, cards are left behind, creepy old man's face, end of show.

... I am now firmly convinced that this show is schizophrenic. It needs some f***ing medication because holy f**k.

I do not want to watch this show anymore.