Sailor Moon Episode 29 - Total Chaos! Messy Love-square

Did everyone enjoy the holiday weekend? Eat steaks, set off some explosives, maybe visit a cemetary or two? American holidays sure are weird. In that we honor our dead by blowing things up and eating lots of food.

Though, to be fair, Memorial Day usually is less on the explosions chart. Generally the 4th of July does it with a real bang (and at least that makes sense), but hey. Explosions are inherently American, for some reason.

I guess this leads me to things that are distinctly not American. Also not inherently enjoyable. Let's do this.

You know, it isn't often that you can define an entire episode in less than five seconds. Already, they've done it in less than five words.

There you go, episode is over. Move along folks!

Mere seconds later, it also demonstrates that we are well back onto the 'completely uninspired monster' track as well. In that, once again, it is just a woman with funny clothes. It was bound to happen sooner or later. This show has a proven track record of being terrible, so it was a lot to expect that it would stay at least halfway decent for more than five freaking episodes.

It is a day in Japan. There is a road, and leaves. And a voiceover saying there is a 10% chance of rain. Not two seconds later, it starts raining. I believe this is what they call foreshadowing. Or, you know, when they take a thing that appears unrelated, but is actually indicative of everything else that is going to follow next. In short: It's gonna suck.

Caught in the middle of this rain is none other than our friendly neighborhood ogre, Mako-chan, who bumps into Motoki. There are roses surrounding them, and she starts going off into the 'reminds me of that dude who was a total ass to me once' routine. Clearly, the best thing to do is get all of his personal information so she can abuse it. Worse, he is completely stupid enough to volunteer it. Information includes his favorite food, phone number, and address. One of those things, you try not to give out on a first date, much less the first five seconds of knowing someone.

Not long after, he meets up with someone who definitely looks a lot like he has probably asked to date him. Who then runs off promising to call later. But that's okay, because Mamoru is totally up for a man-date with coffee. The girl's name is Reika, and she is going to Africa.

Then this gets weirder because Motoki invites Mamoru to have that fried rice with him since Mako is going to come over and cook.

... oh dear god everyone around me is so very, very STUPID.

"So what about Usagi?" Mamoru asks?

If I were drinking something it would be all over my screen now.

As some of my close associates can tell you, *I* am freaking clueless. This guy? He's not even living on the same freaking planet apparently. I mean, holy freaking jesus what is wrong with this dude? Middle-school girls do not ask to come over to your house, clean it, and cook a goddamned meal for you for no easily discernible reason.

How is it people this stupid can continue to exist? Wait, scratch that. How is it that people this incredibly revolting can be allowed to continue existing?!

But I bet you the girls will just eat this shit up.

Oh but then he goes on to say he'd never get serious with them, and that they're like little sisters.

Not sure if missing the point entirely, or if just that stupid...

Not sure if I should be glad even he realizes how idiotic this
is, or horrified because he's stalking one of those girls.

That very next morning, Mako arrives, and begins to literally clean house. Before... class?!

Now I am even more horrified. Though she stumbles across a photo of him and Reika, and is terrified to find out that he considers that girl to be his girlfriend. It'll take all of three minutes for Usagi to find this out as well.

AKLGE{ LKFEM{CEOWPJFI$EHFG(#@$*T$(OITNVOIM#$*.

Excuse me for a moment while I find a doorframe to slam my face against. Motoki-oniisan.

Motoki-oniisan.

ONIISAN.

This means 'brother'. Which is to say, she considers him to be a brother. And yet she is supposedly in love with him.

ARE GIRLS REALLY THIS FREAKING STUPID AT THIS AGE?! REALLY?! ARE THEY REALLY?! HOLY CHRIST ON A CRACKER WHAT IN THE NAME OF JESUS AM I WATCHING. ARRRRRGH!!

WHY IS THERE A HEART THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY ZERO
SENSE BECAUSE THERE IS NO LOVE INTEREST FOR YOU!!!

Wait, so Luna is SO SUPRISED by an outburst that she is suddenly stricken by love?! NO! That doesn't happen at all! What the hell is even going on now?!

.... so, according to Mako, just because he has a girlfriend doesn't mean they cannot both confess their undying love to him, for they have nothing left to lose.

I just. I don't. I don't even. What is going on? I cannot brain. Why, god, why?

So they go to the arcade, in the hopes they will win him over with their hearts.

SUDDENLY, STALKERS.

He tries to tell them not to waste their time with declarations of love, that he only sees them as sisters. This of course does not dissuade them, and so the bunny goes off, only to find he's not even working there today. So much for that. Meanwhile, Mako continues talking to Mamoru.

YOU. ARE THE WORST. BEST. FRIEND. EVER.

I may have mentioned this once or twice before? But this guy? Is. The. Worst. Best. Friend. EVER.

Finally, eleven minutes into the episode, we get a peek into something going on in THE WORLD OF EVIL. What's this? Someone is doing something with the Dark Crystal? Well gee, this is the first time we haven't seen it within the first thirty seconds of an episode opening ever since the damned thing was introduced. It's almost like they won't be caring much about it for that much longer.

Gee, I wonder who has the next crystal? Oh, right, it's Reika. Kunzite calls her 'pretty'. You know what makes this five million times more disturbing?

Translated as BUT I'M WAY PRETTIER THAN HER
RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?!

"Jealousy does not become you." Oh, so Kunzite is what they refer to as a 'player'.

Time to find something solid to slam my face against thank you very much.

WHY DO I WANT TO KILL MYSELF SO MUCH RIGHT NOW?!

OH MY GOD STOP HANGING ON YOUR BROTHER LIKE THAT.

I'm not sure it's the homosexual overtones that bother me so much as the fact that this constitutes as incest!!

So Mako shows up to talk to Reika, who admits that she hasn't decided if she's actually going to travel abroad or not. She is waiting for him to stop her.

Okay, I can understand that on one level. But on the other? If I were that guy, I would be all "babe, you go on and study, and I will totally be fine with that." Because it's something very important to her, right? So while it's romantic to want to stop someone from doing something valuable with their friggin' life, it's way more romantic to say "I'll come with you." That shit has a way more positive message, but is that what this show is all about?

I dunno, it's only suggesting that loving your brother, or someone you perceive to be your brother is totally okay. You tell me.

So Mako goes off on her, saying that she can only choose one: study or love. Which makes sense on the one hand, but really I think she's sending the wrong sorts of message. Especially since she's trying to convince the girl to leave I guess? Whatever, girls are stupid at this age it seems.

Usagi and Mako are now off to Motoki's apartment, and we are treated to an incredibly disturbing dream sequence where She wears an incredibly skimpy apron, and he proposes to her, and she goes 'I'm not ready, but if you insist...'

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TEACH CHILDREN? ARE YOU EVEN TRYING TO TEACH THEM AT THIS POINT?! AUUUUGH.

ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?!?!?!?!

With every passing second, this episode just gets more and more disturbing! Still not KnJ-level but holy shit it is actually trying hard.

So while the girls go to make him something to eat, Motoki gets a phone call from his girly, who suddenly wants to see him. So... he leaves.

Process that for a moment. He leaves two middle-school girls. In his apartment. ALONE.

If I were this man's neighbor, and I saw something like this happening, I might be slightly concerned. Just a little.

They stay there pretty much the entire day, and what do you know, suddenly there's an emergency requiring them to transform.

Y'know, it's almost like everyone in this show is devoid of any kind of rational thought. Villains, they're allowed to be lacking in those kinds of things, but the heroes? Oh god.

Suddenly EXPLOSIONS. Oh and Motoki is protecting his girl from Zoisite, who blasts him with his laser. Thing. Then he gives the whole 'you are a monster so turn into it', and then she turns into a hideous beast.

That is a stupid name. Also, your hair. It is stupid.

Let me get this straight. She loses half of the hair on her head, grows a monocle, and changes clothes.

.... I'm so very done now. Just wake me when the world ends.

Of course, the scouts arrive just in time to see her transform, and they make their truth and justice-based intro.

Make it stop. Please god, please make it stop!!!

Tuxedo Kamen shows up to steal the crystal, and it just gets even more unbearable.

STOP. DOING. THAT. AUUUUUUGH!!

Okay, so stupid name is attacking with what amounts to firecrackers. Firecrackers. Which, I guess when they happen to be close enough, sometimes turn into giant Protozoa. Giant cell-things. It really doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

That is not a hip flask. That is a VOLUMETRIC FLASK.
AREN'T YOU A SCIENCE MAJOR JEEZ.

So then she decides to bottle lightning. I mean that literally, she bottles Jupiter's lightning, and sends it back at them. In pieces, of course. Though at this point, Mercury shows up for no good reason except to save the day with Mars, and now we have the whole gang together because clearly everyone is terrible at fighting alone.

Then there's a bit about handling scientific equipment properly and thanking you for being environmentally friendly. What?

What does that have to do with ANYTHING?!

Of course now it's time for Sailor Moon to actually do something, and the battle is over because of her little magic wand.

Then Zoisite uses a crappy trick that Tuxedo Mask never should have fallen for, and escapes with the crystal in tow. A fast transition shows Motoki and Reika at the airport, where a flight bound for San Francisco will be leaving soon. Teary expressions, and he lets the girl walk to her flight, to go to Africa because why the hell not. Then Mako and Usagi run away arguing about whether or not to give up on Motoki, and I am still wondering what in the hell just really happened.

So, just remember. If you're a 14-year-old girl, it is totally okay if you crush on a guy you look at as your brother. And if you're not a boy instead, it's totally okay to crush on someone who actually is your brother.

Is it okay if I drink a gallon of bleach now? Because I think that sounds nice right about now.