Sailor Moon Episode 30 - Grandpa's Insanity - Rei-chan's Crisis

So when I started this thing up some time back, I had hoped to establish that this show is, in fact, incredibly disturbing and, by all accounts, not that great. So far, we appear to have established that it seems to be teaching children some incredibly twisted values of romance. Thus far, we've seen teenaged girls constantly falling in love with men ten years too old for them, college students who follow middle-school girls around, brothers who share more than just a familial bond, and straight-up pedophiles.

Note the plural there, because Mamoru is not alone in this. Nephrite too was guilty on several counts of this, not to mention the numerous abusive relationships that have developed over the course of the show.

Let's not forget the stalkers either. It has been clearly established that many of the characters in this show have engaged in stalking, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, and in at least one case so far, incest. Not to mention the taking interest in children nearly half their age.

The most disturbing part of all this? Our heroine has tried to defend several instances of those activities and engaged in them herself. With all of that said, what more can I possibly uncover over the final 16 episodes of this show? Truth be told, I'm a little bit scared to find out, but I may as well press on. I passed that point of no return like, twenty episodes ago. I'm committed now, so let's get it over with and try to apply some semblance of reason to this craze.

Okay. So today's episode straight up tells you in the intro the BIG SHOCKING SECRET. Rei's grandfather is a Youma.

... I just. Why do you guys do this? That could have been a relatively exciting plot revelation, but instead you throw it out there like it just doesn't matter. If you don't care about your show, why do you try to pretend that you do? It hurts every time you do this to me.

Every. Single. Time.

My father told me that the thing about stories isn't the content of the stories, but the telling of them. I can understand that, but when you spoil the whole thing in about fifteen seconds, it does not make me want to listen to more, because I can pretty much figure out how the entire story plays out before it even happens.

Yes, I'm griping, I know. But for crying out loud, these shows were made for children but keeps treating them like toddlers, and that sort of babying really grates on my nerves.

Alright, so today's episode starts off with a guy sleeping on the steps of the shrine while Rei's grandfather watches the moon. Suddenly Zoisite appears, and takes the crystal from him.

Well, tries to, and winds up throwing him off the roof because the old man is actually kind of a badass. Then Rei wakes up and he gets chased off by her pet crows, Phobos and Deimos. Gotta hand it to them, at least they stick with their themes, but man I would really hate to see all the pets Saturn would have if we followed those conventions. I mean wow.

Anyhow, this wakes up the guy with all that noise, who sees Rei and immediately asks to become a disciple.

Chalk up yet another count for older men chasing women far too young for them. Far, far too young.

So this guy's name is Kumada Yuuichirou. I'll just call him Yuuichi for now. I get the feeling we'll be seeing a lot more of him in the future, so I guess it's worthwhile to remember his name. Maybe I'll just call him Yuu. That would work right?

In another miraculous change of pace, Zoisite now takes the time to laugh at the picture of grandfather via the dark crystal, and then Rei explains to the others that her grandfather has started going... well, nuts.

I'd just be happy that the old guy is still this limber, wow.

Supposedly this is just part of Yuu's training, and he doesn't seem to be taking it very well. Of course, thanks to Rei's concern, he's willing to survive even waterboarding.

Though, after she arrives with the other girls in tow, her grandfather promptly breaks down and cries about how she's the only one qualified to take over the shrine, and, well, let's face it. She's kind of still a kid, and no offense, but a woman. If she had another ten years on her, it probably wouldn't be an issue, but she won't have anyone to look after her best interests, and as a shrine maiden, her options for advancing the family line will be limited, at best. It's only natural that the old man would be, well, concerned over his own impending mortality after what happened the other night.

Yuu seems to take this in a very positive light, in that he'll put up with anything, but Rei starts being all hard-assed about everything, claiming she's worried about the reputation of the shrine. Which is also kind of a valid reason for being all kinds of bent out of shape really. Though, she takes it a bit too far, and chases off Ami and Mako, who would rather study/practice kung fu instead of put up with this.

The next scene involves Yuu and Rei talking about the 'changing of the seasons', and he tries to convince her that she shouldn't worry so much, that her grandfather will probably be fine once autumn passes. She seems to see him as being trustworthy, to an extent, and of course turns to him for girl talk as a result.

Sadly, many women I've known say the same thing.

Her basic issue is that when she needs her friends, they're not putting up with her shit, which begs the question of whether they are actually friends. Then the really stupidly twisted girl bullshit begins.

SHE IS ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP YOU DUNCE.

Impending train wreck will be arriving on line three in approximately five minutes...

So the brainless rabbit's idea of 'making up' with Rei is to get her involved with a man that is not the one she is dating. Ignore the fact that the man she's with right now is way too old for her, or the fact that he is secretly the person you are pining after every night. Because, y'know, those fancy little masks conceal so much. Or maybe it's the top hat. Those things are classy.

Of course, let's also ignore the fact that, not only is she already in a relationship with an older man, this one is probably way too old for her too. He's clearly old enough to take a duffel bag and sleep on the steps of a shrine, where he pretty much signs his life away for no better reason than because there's a middle-school student with tits there. Clearly, this is a better match. Let's try to prove our friendship by destroying our friend's current relationship and replacing it with one that is somehow even worse.

And people wonder why I avoided dating back in middle school for as long as possible. Jesus.

I'm the hero! And blonde! There's no possible way this
could ever go wrong!!

So her plan is to transform into... a fortune-teller of love.

Artist's rendition of my face right now.

Remember what I said about abuse and misuse of powers before?

No one will ever figure this out. Ever.

Funny thing about fortune tellers: THEY DON'T GO RUNNING AROUND TELLING RANDOM PEOPLE'S FORTUNES FOR FREE. They get paid to do that shit. Or even if they are telling them for free, they don't approach TOTAL STRANGERS. Besides, I thought it was already established that Rei is a fortune teller herself?

Clearly, she has absolutely no idea how fortune-telling works. Or romance, for that matter, as she declares that a kiss will secure their love forever.

Of course it is, but you don't have to appear so angry about it.

Also, she totally calls Usagi out for her crappy disguise.

See? No way this could ever go wrong! Ever.

By the way, Rei never wants to talk to Usagi again, which is incredibly well-deserved.

Yeah, you only tried to ruin your best friend's relationship
by trying to force her together with another man. S'all good.

Luna attempts to console her master, and resorts to the one thing this girl knows: Food. While trying to buy comfort with food is often a poor choice, it proves even poorer when Usagi decides she will win back her friendship with these delicious cake things.

Why do people this stupid even exist...?

Even better question: Why is someone this dumb the main character?

After the break, Yuu continues his Tarzan-esque training, and fails miserably at it all while Rei watches on from the shower. Meanwhile, Zoisite shows up again, but grandpa is ready, and uses his preistly powers like a boss. Sadly, he is no match for Zoisite's flower power, and surrenders his crystal. Not before Tuxedo Mask shows up to snatch it for himself, of course, but then Grandpa turns into a Youma.

At least this one's based in FOLKLORE for a change.

So he turns into a creature straight out of Japanese Mythology, which is kind of cool. It's a lot better than "dude with scissors for hands" or "lady wearing a leaf". Which is pretty much what we always get. Zoisite snags the crystal, and instead of staying to fight, runs away. Yuu winds up catching the attention of Jiji, and runs off to find Rei changing. He's got more than monsters to worry about at this point, I think.

Or maybe not. Yuu tries to protect Rei from the monster's onslaught, at least attempting to buy her time, and she decides to rely on her holy powers, which allows her to divine that the Youman is her grandfather. Clearly, words always seem to work on these guys in all previous instances...

But then again, that one kid was able to fight the influence for a bit, so maybe it's not so far-fetched that her grandfather might be able to beat the monster back, if only somewhat.

Appealing to its better senses doesn't seem to work, but Usagi shows up in time to peg it with a rock and force her transformation sequence. Finally, we're into the final paces of this episode.

Of course, she has priorities after all.

The character of Usagi is terribly inconsistent. First she doesn't take the monster seriously at all. Then she is shocked when the revelation that he is the grandfather comes to light, and then she chooses to be utterly terrified. Her initial reaction is to hit him with the Tiara, but after learning who he is, she totally forgets her job entirely? Despite, I don't know, turning the last five back into normal by using the Moon Stick?!

That's probably my biggest beef with this show. Not only is the main character unreliable as a person, she's unreliable as a character, not even being able to maintain a consistent personality. Oh, by the way, now both girls are running from him.

HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE AT ALL!?!?!

Luna's on the ball though, and asks Rei to seal her grandpa with a Talisman so she can use her healing magic. Which does the trick. Not far away, Ami and Mako meet up again in the hopes that they'll be able to get the friends back together, only to find everyone eating sweets and getting along.

Oh, and Rei kisses Yuu in front of everyone. For no apparent reason?

Clearly he's a smelly bum that showed up on our steps.
Not exactly marriage material that.

By the time the other two girls arrive though, everyone is chasing everyone else around, and... it's like some really bad comedy routine. Roll credits.

With every passing episode, I have to continue asking myself: Who the hell is supposed to be watching this show?

Come back on friday. If I haven't caved my face in from banging my head on the desk by then, odds are you'll have another post to read.