Sailor Moon Episode 31 - Loved and Pursued! Luna's Worst Day

Alternate title: I totally didn't forget to write anything at all and it was not Minecraft-related at all. I just didn't think that would fly as a title though, so you get whatever today's episode name turns out to be (funny that!).

On the topic of titles, I've been eyeing the first of the movies, and a few realizations have risen up in the folds of that wrinkly gray thingy of mine. How am I going to title them? Will I be able to come up with something wittier than "part 1" and "part 2"?

Heck, for that matter, how am I going to divvy them up into parts? Should I go with every twenty minutes or so, since that's about how long an episode generally runs?

Most likely that last one, with the 'shorter' "specials" being their own thing. Why did I use so many quotation marks? Hell if I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Sadly enough for me, I have to put all of those movies and specials off until I finish the next season, I guess? The general consensus for the movies is, try to watch them after the series.

Which means I may be reduced to a gibbering pile of manflesh by the time I reach that point, and you could possibly just be reading asdfjkpaldksjfepovfaf all day every day.

Ahem. So where was I? Oh right, episode 31. Forgive me if I spend the next few moments sobbing uncontrollably.

Today's episode is something about Autumn, nature, and Zoisite being a dick towards little girls (no surprise there). Oh, also, something about everybody falling in love or something, with Luna settling with a very... fat... ohgodno.

Today, we see a lovely scene of Luna being pursued by a practically every cat in the city of Tokyo. This is not an exaggeration in the least.

How many cats does it take to cause a dust cloud anyways?

As if this episode's name was any indication, Luna is having a Very Bad Day. Of course, she is saved by... ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

Enter Tuxedo Cat. No, I don't care what he looks like,
that is what I am calling him.

Tuxedo. Freaking. Cat. It sounds like something I would make up if I really wanted to try and rip on this show, but they just pretty much up and do it themselves. Does that make my job easier or harder? I'm not sure.

They even give him a slightly-remixed version of
Tuxedo Mask's theme. As if the visuals weren't enough.

Oh dear god it is going to be one of those episodes. So fatty causes the crowd of cats to backpedal away, leaving Luna bewildered, and with a kitty still gnawing on her tail. Why? You got me.

That is exactly how I feel, kitty. Exactly.

They then spend the next minute where the little one stops gnawing on her tail, looks at her for about ten seconds, grins, and then wanders off for no readily apparent reason. I'm really not sure what's going on at this point. Did I miss something?

At that point, Tuxedo Cat starts licking the end of her tail, and begins to nuzzle up to ol' Luna rather uncomfortable-like, until his owner (a little red-haired girl) calls for him: Red Battler.

Wait, his Japanese name is a series of ENGLISH WORDS?!

.... you know, I would say that is the stupidest thing I've ever encountered, but I knew a guy who named his cat Neko, so I'll just leave that one alone. But still. Red Battler?!

Oh. Ohhh. Oh. Well... huh.

At least they have the courtesy to explain the joke in due time, which is good. I also have to agree with her sentiment - that cat looks nothing like this fatty. Of course, if the terrible jokes weren't bad enough, now we come to find out that GUESS WHO ZOISITE'S NEXT TARGET IS? Protip: It's not Tuxedo Cat. Shamefully enough.

So he's pretty sure this last crystal is going to be a walk in the park. Since when has it ever been that easy? Has this dude been playing in the clouds or something, because it seems like every single time the Sailor Scouts somehow manage to get in his way. I'm just saying, it's a trend and it keeps going, might be a good idea to not pretend something might go easily.

Anyhow, Luna meets up with Ami, the dunce, and Mako, while Rei is off... being a two-timing skank.

I totally kissed this guy I live with now and we should go
hang out sometime and go on a date for reals.

Holy shit did I call it. She wants him to take her out for Tiramisu cake. Holy shit do girls make me really seriously mad at this point. I mean wow.

Of course Mamoru is there, dreaming about the last Rainbow Crystal, while Amy is trying to find it herself. On her Compact Computer.

I mean it, that thing is seriously a compact.

Of course, the Moon Stick is pretty useless right now, which is entirely why they're using the computer to figure something out. Because, y'know, computers can do anything. Even magic. Siiiigh.

How you can use that thing is beyond me.

So, having access to state-of-the-art satellite imagery, they get to the exact house that the computer decided upon, only to find out, shock and amazement, that little girl and the fat cat live here. Of course Luna doesn't want to be within a thousand feet of this place, but those stray cats from earlier seem to have returned now that she is on her own.

Frighteningly enough, I'm pretty sure some of us have had
dreams exactly like this....

So the girls approach, and talk to the little girl, and what do you know, the Moon Stick starts going off. Also, Tuxedo Cat's... Spider Sense? Well that starts to tingle.

Holy... been watching a lot of Miyazaki have we?

Off goes tubby, and also off goes the little girl when OH GOD WHAT.

WHY ARE YOU RANDOMLY FALLING IN AN ALLEYWAY?!

There are so many things wrong with this picture. First of all, YOU HAVE FREAKING MAGIC. WHY ARE YOU LITERALLY FALLING IN AN ALLEYWAY. Let's just think this through for five seconds: That cuts down the number of places your target can flee by... none. All you have managed to accomplish is scaring the living bejeesus out of your target, while also giving them advanced warning to get the hell out of there. But hey, this guy thinks attacking a little girl will be a walk in the park. Because that's never failed before, right?

So hearing the girl scream, of course our heroes leap into action, while Luna is once more surrounded by stray cats, only to be saved, in very much the same vashion as before, by TUXEDO CAT. Amazingly enough, these cats get a voice to express their incredible disbelief.

As utterly ridiculous as this is, I think this is my favorite
part of the entire episode.

I really have to admit, this whole cat thing is way more entertaining than the rest of the episode. Which is hilarious because quite frankly, it will probably have nothing to do with anything ever again. Somehow, I am kind of okay with that. Fatty doesn't manage to maintain his balance, sadly, and goes tumbling off into more spur-of-the-moment acrobatics in wonderfully static images posing as animation.

Need to free up space in the budget? Just spend five seconds using only keyframes. You'll probably shave off a few thousand bucks doing that. Oh, so will panning away from static images. True story.

Anyhow, Zoisite starts messing with little girls in dark alleyways, and somehow, the Rainbow Crystal isn't appearing! Oh great, does this mean... oh god it must. It's not the girl, it's the freaking cat. Now I wish I hadn't called it not being Tuxedo Cat, because that would've been more hilarious. Oh well.

Now that he's realized his mistake, he realizes his job is just that much harder now. You have to track down a cat in a metropolis. Good luck, buddy. You're going to need it.

Once again proving that everyone is incapable of making
any sort of rational decision.

Now that they've shown up to stop him from doing something he can't possibly do, he appears agitated and attempts to trip them up. Which works because Ami can't use her abilities in this confined space.

What is she really so surprised about?

Well, Zoisite decides he's not going to have any of this, and just vanishes. Because that would be the smart thing to do in any given situation, and for once, he does it. Sadly enough for him, however, he winds up almost knee-deep in shit.

Why is this entertaining to me? I have no idea.

Finally at the halfway point, and I've probably linked more images than I do for an entire episode generally. I can live with that, however.

The girls regroup at the little girl's house, where the main character decides the most important thing in the world is the copy of Sailor V's new videogame she found. Priorities. Always with keeping them straight, that one.

Somehow, nobody seems to notice that the Moon Stick is doing absolutely nothing. Though in Usagi's defense, it's hard to notice a lot of things when you are playing video games in a stranger's home.

Yeah, she just straight up walks into a stranger's house and begins playing their video games. How rude is that? They don't even know you're there! If someone did that to me I would straight up smack a bitch up.

Meanwhile, Zoisite makes me laugh yet again with the girliest scream EVER.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE GOD DAMNED
TRIBBLES?!

Elsewhere in town, Rei is wandering around, and manages to somehow bump into the guy she totally lives with and kissed last episode. Yet she has the gall to be utterly disappointed when he just up and leaves after she tries to give him the cold shoulder and asking if she wants to do something?

I swear. This is starting to seriously grate on my nerves.

Luna, meanwhile, continues to wander the sewers, and realizes her savior is injured, and begins to feel somewhat guilty, particularly when revealed that, yes, he does find her attractive. Of course, Zoisite happens to show up at just that moment, with a swarm of rats in tow.

I don't think this is how you play Dishonored.

And then... words cannot even describe what happens next. Luna shoves Tuxedo Cat into a small space that Zoisite 'can't follow', and then...

.... WHAT?!

He just straight up penguin-slid into the tiny space, followed by the swarm of rats. He gave the big middle finger to the natural laws of the universe and just...

My mind. It is blown. Well and truly. This show is clearly not taking itself seriously at all anymore. We have entered the realm of "who cares" land.

Next, we see Zoisite crawling on his hands and knees after the cats. Did the tunnel suddenly get larger or something?! Wait, no, space is warping around Zoisite again, as he is overtaken by the rats.

How can he crawl on his hands and knees when...?

Holy crap. Is he master of size-changing too or something? He just literally morphed and I just... my brain hurts. Please stop hurting me. Please.

Rei sees Luna in the distance, and then the giant swarm of rats following behind them. It's around this point Amy makes the clever observation that the Moon Stick is doing absolutely nothing. Congrats, you've just spent the last however long you've been sitting here wasting everyone's time while the plot advanced without you. Great on ya! Of course they put it together that they should be chasing after the cat, finally.

Sadly, the cats are overtaken by the rats, who are, for the moment, commanded by Zoisite. He gets interrupted by Sailor Mars, however, who also manages to knock Luna away with her fireblast. Also, she says something about him ruining pure... animal... love.

What the F*** am I watching?!

Finally, we get into the final fight sequence, where the cat gets turned into its Youma form, and the Rainbow Crystal is revealed.

That... is actually sorta badass. Now THAT is a MONSTER.

So for the first time in this entire series, we get a glimpse of an actual monster. Of sorts. I mean it's still humanoid but shit, that's the most monstrous thing we've seen in this entire show.

Best. Monster. Of the series. Calling it.

Of course, when Zoisite goes on about how easy this is, he gets slapped by a rose, and Tuxedo Mask jacks his gem, prompting a chase which probably should involve that Benny Hill theme.

Then Luna tries to stop the great beast before it goes to town (literally and figuratively here), and winds up slipping, only to be caught by the monster before she can get hurt. Daww. Cue touching scene where the cut that he got earlier amplifies the emotional tensions of the scene that much more, only to be brought down by more hilarity.

Does this look familiar to anyone at all?

Hold on a moment I've seen this before...

Ah, there we go. That's better.

Then Mercury shows up with the other girls, and they pretty much ruin everything. So much for that burning red passion of love or whatever. Instead of doing their job, they stand around yakking for a good minute, and then heal the beast, once again inducing hilarity.

He really says that. Bad Engrish accent and all.

So the most badass-looking monster in the entire show winds up not doing a single damned thing. Talk about a waste. Then there's a bit where Luna tries to deny lovey-feelings for the fat cat, and the show ends.

Y'know, this show seems to change tone constantly. First it's super serious, then it stops taking itself seriously, then it just says "screw the rules I do what I want". There's a word I'm looking for, it's usually pretty important for shows...

Oh, right. Consistency. Yeah, this one doesn't have a whole lot of that. Period.

If only I had a beer right about now. I would probably be clubbing myself over the head with it, trying to understand why in the world this show ever got aired on television.

Monday suddenly feels entirely too close for me. Why god why...