Sailor Moon Episode 32 - Umino's Resolution! "I'll Protect Naru-chan!"

You know, I generally have something incredibly witty or insightful to say before I start writing these pieces. That was all dashed when this was the first thing I saw upon viewing the newest episode:

Just kill me now. Please.

The show hasn't even begun and already my desire to continue watching have plummeted to all new lows.

Why god, why???

So today's episode premise is basically: Zoisite turns the actor of a children's TV show that is totally not Power Rangers into a monster that throws lake balls.

Were these guys drinking absinthe or something when they came up with this crap?! Because holy shit that is just some incredibly... I don't even have words. The entire English language just failed me. I don't even know what this is like. But I can tell you it's pretty messed up.

A monster that throws 'lake balls'. Oh god help me.

It is at this moment I've taken the time to count how many crystals have been revealed so far. The answer is five, meaning that this will be the sixth. Somehow, I was under the impression that last episode's was the last, and I cannot stress just how freaking disappointing that particularly revelation is.

Today's episode opens with Luna standing outside the arcade in the middle of the night, listening to stray dogs barking at the moon, and talking to idiotic arcade machines. By the way, they have some of the stupidest passwords ever. I seriously think they are just making that shit up as they go along. Honest.

According to Arcade Machine, the fifth scout will be showing up soon! Great, it only took you over thirty freaking episodes to introduce the last of the main freaking characters in the show. Or at least allude to the fact that there are five. I've seen molasses run faster than the plot of this show. Whatever. Anyhow, Luna is supposed to share some previously-withheld information with them, since the last member of their group is supposed to show up anytime now. Y'know, to boost morale or something.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN.

So the girls all meet up at Rei's shrine in the middle of the night, to have this super serious discussion. What could it be?

You're a talking cat with magical powers. Really, that
was the best you could come up with?

Some of them find it hard to believe, but... come on! They've only been calling themselves THE MOON KINGDOM THE ENTIRE TIME. Or mentioning THE MOON PRINCESS, who is the person they are SUPPOSED TO BE FINDING. Mako, okay I can see her being surprised since she was here last, but really, this is the big giant secret that Luna's been keeping from them?

At least she's not from Nigeria I guess. That could get really awkward.

Although, to be fair, I suppose that they probably let that bit slide since it may have only been mentioned once or twice. I can let that go, I guess.

.... what?

Okay, so according to the internet, the moon rabbit is an actual thing. Which is kind of cool, because mythology, while always friggin' weird, is also pretty damned interesting almost all the time. On the other hand? Why would she need to ask a question like that?!

So, elsewhere, someone seems to have moved into a rather gothic-looking mansion. I wonder who that could be?

This place has Dark Kingdom written all over it.
You just can't see it because it's dark.

Oh look, it's the brothers hump, who seem to somehow have four of the crystals.

Wait, four?! Am I missing something here? I could've sworn that Tuxedo Mask made off with at least two, and the Sailor Scouts wound up with a couple, so am I just going crazy here?

Upon review of my last blog posts, a few corrections are in order. First of all, there have been six crystals revealed thus far, which would mean that this episode's would be the final one in the set. However, upon counting, it would seem that the score for the crystals is, Girls 1, Tuxedo Mask 3, and Evil 2.

So how in the hell did those two wind up with four of the crystals?!

I know for a fact that Tuxedo Mask got at least two of those, with the one from last episode possibly being in contention, since we never really saw who actually walked away with it (though by all accounts, seemed Tuxedo Mask was the one most likely to win that contest).

So did they acquire the last one off-screen? But if that's the case, how can Zoisite turn anyone into a Youma?

I'm really trying to wrack my brain here. How could they possibly have four of the crystals? I am genuinely confused.

Anyhow, Zoisite gets jealous because Kunzite wants to "make Beryl happy" by getting the Silver Crystal.

... dude, you have some serious issues here, okay? Your brother has already established that he wants to take over the Dark Kingdom or something, which he would need the crystal for and, presumably, to be in Beryl's good graces for a well-timed backstab? I mean, that just makes sense to me, but whatever.

Back on the school grounds, Umino and Naru are busy trading food and totally friendzoning one another. Totally.

That's. What. She. Said.

Once again, our heroine is giving terrible advice. Dude just got severely friendzoned not six seconds ago, he's better off finding someone who actually likes him. But what do I know, I'm just a guy.

JUST. STOP. TALKING. GOD. NO. STOPPAT. I MEAN IT.

Her advice is to TURN INTO A COOL GUY LIKE TUXEDO MASK.

I TOLD YOU TO STOP TALKING GOD.

Unfortunately, Umino is a super-otaku. He also takes everything seriously. So it is now his mission to become Tuxedo Mask. Not like him. But really him. Have you ever seen some of the batshit-crazy stuff truly dedicated otaku can do? Trust me, this is not a healthy thing for him to aspire to become.

So Naru and Usagi are walking home, and suddenly, they feel they are being watched. On an unrelated note, I also suddenly feel like slamming my head against the desk as hard as I can.

This is so very, utterly sad, I can't even joke about it.

It takes all of five seconds for him to get beaten down by the fat lady, but he takes it all in stride and runs off, proud of himself, only to attempt stopping them from going into the arcade. Because, y'know, they'll lose all their allowance if they go in there. He states that if they want to go in, they'll have to do so over his own body.

This is just a whole new level of sad. It's beyond pathetic, really.

Did you see the look on Usagi's face? She's actually enjoying this kind of abuse. Yet more proof that she is the worst friend ever, because she actively seems to be attempting to ruin her friends' lives. Don't forget that lovely advice she tried to give to Rei, by asking her to cheat on her current boyfriend so she'd have a chance. I think she just secretly likes watching Umino writhe in agony.

Once inside, Motoki offers some free tickets to a show to the girls, who immediately accept! Until they find out it's for THE REDMAN SHOW. Though, Usagi insists that Umino and Naru take the tickets and go out. Begrudgingly, Naru accepts, and Umino just gets sadder by the second.

Elsewhere in the world, Zoisite appears to have modified the Black Crystal so that he can turn normal humans into Youma. That explains one plot hole, but what of the other? Seems to me the villains won an off-screen battle or something, because that last crystal just plain never materialized. Also, there's the matter of Zoisite totally losing that last fight, chasing after Tuxedo Mask like a little girl after he lost the crystal...

So he heads back to Tokyo with a brilliant plan.

YOU DID THAT ONCE ALREADY YOU DOLT!

Of course, he's such an idiot that he can't even tell the real Tuxedo Mask from the fake one that is just Umino. I mean, it's not like they don't have COMPLETELY DIFFERENT GLASSES OR ANYTHING.

Or the fact that the real one is what, two feet taller than this guy?

Umino manages to watch Zoisite vanish into what I now realize are not, in fact, cherry blossoms, but freaking hearts. The villain. Escapes. In a cloud. Of. HEARTS.

Mind = blown.

So Naru tells him to go away once she answers the door, and not to come back until noon, at which point they'll go out and do something I guess. Commercial break comes around and now Usagi shows up at the park with her talking pet so she can spy on her bestie and this impending failure of romance that is about to occur.

Then we get to the stage show, and Umino is wearing normal clothes, for the moment. He's got the costume in his backpack, and then we are treated to yet more disturbing imagery.

What grown adult rides a carousel alone? DOES NO
ONE EVER CONSIDER THIS?!

Okay, so he charges up his laser crystal thingy and fires, only to miss because Naru bends over to pick something up and feels something whoosh above her. Who does it hit instead? REDMAN.

Well, at least for once we see what is actually a dangerous situation developing, and looks like Usagi will have to act fast.

Am I the only one thinking he looks like... a giant
enemy crab?

Zoisite, you are clearly incompetent at your job. Yet, somehow, you still convince people to let you go out and do things. Somehow, I get the feeling that Beryl might have been scraping the bottom of the barrel when she made these guys her generals.

Also, he seriously attacks with something called "Akan Lake Balls."

.... what the hell?

Thanks to the power that is Google (and the wonders of that thing we call Wikipedia), I present to you the real thing that is lake balls. Now we know that they are a real thing. Does this make his attack any less ridiculous? OF COURSE IT DOESN'T.

Oh dear god this is terrible even for a CHILDREN'S SHOW.

Umino jumps in, having donned his costume, to protect Naru, and announces his TEMPURA STICK ATTACK. It's so bad, even the monster has a WTF moment. Then he gets his own shitty Tuxedo Mask riff, and Sailor Moon does a transformation sequence while Naru's back is turned.

We are treated to a nice little montage of Umino getting kicked around by the monster, quite literally, and then Naru gets eaten by a lake ball, and Sailor Moon makes her appearance.

Make it stop, make it stop! I beg of you!!

At this point, Zoisite reappears, and asks for the Rainbow Crystal - in exchange, he'll have those trapped by the lake balls released. Otherwise, they'll suffocate. Again, this sounds utterly ridiculous, and it is. Considering the real Lake Akkan Marimo (which is what they are actually called) are actually a very big deal in Japan. However, this whole situation is still effing bonkers.

Of course, Usagi relents, only to have Tuxedo Mask appear to slap the gem out of his hand, at which point Usagi attempt to retrieve it. Now everyone is literally fighting over the damn crystal, but nobody is making any sort of headway. One Moon Tiara and a Healing Stick later, and the immediate danger passes as the monster is returned to his real form.

Who gets the crystal, though? That's the important thing. Turns out, Zoisite snags it, and beats Luna as a result before escaping. Then Tuxedo Mask walks off, claiming that he will retrieve the crystal - and keep it. Because he is totally an edgy man on the edge of edginess.

Then they start doing the performance of Redman all over again, and Naru is all embarrassed that Umino protected her, and I think their future is pretty much set in stone.

We end the episode as Luna berates Usagi later that night about losing the crystal, and she listens to the musical locket while thinking about Tuxedo Mask with a worried look on her face. Is it sad that this fifteen second clip is probably the most interesting part of the entire episode?

I had thought that, over time, it might get easier to watch this show. Sadly, it seems that the reverse is true, as it is slowly taking me longer and longer with every passing episode to actually make it through these episodes. Where before it was taking me between 40-60 minutes, now it is taking me almost two hours. To get through a single episode. OF THIS.

That theme song is going to haunt me in my dreams tonight. I know it.

I don't want to sleep now. T-T