Sailor Moon Episode 37 - To Be a True Princess? Usagi in Special Training

This is the 37th episode of the series. It's kind of surreal, in that I have been doing this for so long already, and yet it feels like I am making zero progress. On the other hand, I'm less than ten episodes away from the end of the series, and somehow I have managed to stave off the worst of the mental trauma.

It's been a long way to get here, and I have an even longer way to go yet. Plus I still have that other show to get through at some point. Plus, I'll be wanting to get into some other other shows at some point. I'm thinking, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, maybe? I'm open to suggestions for anything the internet feels would be sufficiently traumatic.

It would appear that we are now back to the age-old formula of beginning with the episode overview. Something about a seminar for future princesses and noble ladies... what? Then clearly the villains ruin everything, and we get our familiar opening.

You know what's also weird? Right after the opening they send us straight into the title slide. Why do they keep changing these things?!

Today's episode starts off with some horrendously lazy scenes, with the artists trying to see how much they can push a static image and get away with it, and animating as little as possible. Of course, Usagi is late for school, and failed to do her homework. While she's talking to Naru outside, Usagi takes it upon herself to straight up take a nap, then someone pulls up in a Rolls Royce.

This shot is too well-drawn to be in this show. Especially
that Aryan-looking motherfucker. Why are you in Japan?!

Some girls walk in, and it would seem that the girls are attending some kind of course from a crazy English lady?

This looks pretty suspect already.

Okay, so crazy British aristocrat moves into town, and decides to teach young girls how to act like other snobbish British aristocrats... because... some other people asked her to?

I don't know if these guys have ever met an actual British aristocrat, but they don't like doing anything for free. Much less for foreigners? Besides, why the hell would she move to Japan if she's so important back home? You don't just make an asian country your summer home. Not unless you're nuts. In which case, why do I want you anywhere near my children?

Right. Well, instead of paying attention in English class, our stupid little rabbit falls asleep and dreams of being a princess. A dream which consists primarily of still images that are basically silhouettes or rehashes of scenes we've already seen earlier in the show. Then her teacher interrupts in the dream but in the dream she tells her that, as a princess, she doesn't have to do shit and.... okay this is just getting weird.

Um, what? Oh lord.

In the real world, she gets woken up and sent to the hall. Which appears to be a rather drafty hall as you can literally see the wind blow past her.

Close the damned windows people, I swear. Don't you care about saving energy? Then Luna shows up out of nowhere and agrees that she should, in fact, learn to act more like an actual Princess.

Oh my god just shoot me now. HOW DO YOU BREATHE GIRL?

Anyways, over in the underworld, Beryl seems to have now inhabited some sort of dark tower-looking thing? Oh, no, it's just her usual haunt, except that they've decided to show us another part of her throne room for some really odd reason? I can't imagine it's because some other dude was behind the art direction on this episode.

So she tries to get Kunzite and Endymion to work together, but their manhate for one another is strong. So instead she just gives them a very simple goal to accomplish.

Right, because we haven't failed at that thing twice already.

Somehow, Luna manages to get into a totally locked Arcade, thus proving that she does, in fact, have the power of teleportation. Furthermore, she goes on to give yet another of one of the most ridiculous passwords ever.

For crying out loud, the purpose of a password is to just get access to a thing easily. Not to change it with even more ridiculous lines of dialogue than the previous password. Besides, you're way more secure if you, I dunno, throw an asterisk or period in there somewhere with some numbers and maybe a capital letter or two. Christ.

Luna has come to get some advice from the computer on what to do and... wait, what?

IT WAS YOU THE ENTIRE TIME?!

Artemis is now officially the biggest dick in the entire series. Why is that? Because he was in the unique position to offer actual help to the sailor scouts since day freaking one. What did he do?Provide shoddy information and failed to mention that, oh, hey, I know where the last Sailor Scout is because I live in her freaking bedroom!

.... also, how in the hell is that headset even supposed to work? The earphones aren't even on his ears!!!

I don't even want to know how he manages to get that thing on himself. Or how he manages to use a fork to eat his cans of tuna.

So his excuse for not telling her who he was before was because she never bothered to ask. Well gee, you portray yourself as some sort of computer entity, why should I bother to question you? You are, after all, just a freaking computer except when you're actually a cat.

Okay, so over at this impossibly large mansion in Tokyo, somehow Usagi manages to climb a tree which is, presumably, inside a heavily-guarded compound (because those places always have walls around them), and somehow has the good fortune to be able to overhear Lord British telling her pupils a poem. In Japanese. Oh, then she freaks out over some cheesecake they're serving.

.... what in the hell?

.... sadly, I'm fairly sure that's how Brits treat strange
people climbing trees in their yard.

Then both girl and cat fall out of the tree and I just want to facepalm even more.

Just fell 20 feet out of a tree, I'm good thanks.

So she asks to be able to join the rich people's club but she can't join because she needs a reference from someone who is already a member. Usagi's first idea? Offer the cat as a reference.

A cat is not fine too, in this case.

Then the owner lady shows up and she finds this whole thing so amusing that she's going to let Usagi into the club anyway. Because clearly, that is the wisest course of action here.

I stand corrected. A cat is fine too, after all.

There's a catch, though. She needs to meet a single qualification, but is completely freaking horrible at everything and everything, including but not limited to taking in oxygen for her brain to process.

Yeah I thought it was a good joke too.

It is at this point, I think I wish to break my skull against something. Because the qualification... involves a discus.

A DISCUS.

A MOTHER FREAKING DISCUS.

A GODDAMNED FRISBEE.

These are the worst entry requirements EVER.

Turns out that she is good at one thing: Throwing a freaking frisbee. Congratulations, you are officially in the worst rich snobs club EVER.

Over at the Hakurei shrine, the girls talk about Usagi trying to learn to be a princess, and Minako is the only one who doesn't want her to change. She's also only known the girl for like, three episodes, so give it time - you'll come to regret your words yet, I assure you.

Oh I bet you're regretting those entry requirements now, lady.

So, learning to be a princess consists of throwing a frisbee around all day it seems. Thankfully, the low entry requirements are revealed to actually be a thinly-veiled attempt to lure in Sailor Moon, it seems.

You are now officially not the most badass general. Sorry.

Kunzite loses all of his credibility with this shitty ploy of his, because this is pretty damned far-fetched even by their standards so far. Hell, I'm convinced even his brother came up with better plans than this smelly turd. Of everyone, I think that Nephrite probably had the better run of plans.

You'd think that after coming up with the Sailor Moon captured ploy, he might want to try to re-work that angle, only using Tuxedo Mask as bait instead?

Maybe he really is just a one-trick pony after all.

Your last plan had a higher chance of success than this. And that? That was a terrible plan.

After the break, we are treated to a very, very painful dinner scene where it is impossible for Usagi to not slurp her soup. It's not difficult to accomplish, you know. Seems beyond her, though. Then an equally painful lesson in using honorifics and proper speech usage. You know what comes after that?

Another freaking ballroom dance scene.

At least they decided to pretend to give each dancer some individuality by at least giving them all different hair this time. After tripping on her own dress, she is joined by the other girls, who probably have a much better idea of how you are supposed to walk in heels.

For once, I completely agree with you.

.... I take it back, none of them are any good at dancing.

Sadly, only Ami and Makoto manage to graduate, and then we are treated to girls turned into statues. Huzzah! Graduation means you get turned into a doll. Awesome. Then we get to see our monster of the day, and... well, I'm not sure I can be too mad at this one, even if it does follow the convention of almost every other one, at least they made the attempt to make her look monstrous.

If this picture doesn't give you nightmares, then
I don't know what will.

So then the girls hear something, and decide something must have happened to their friends, but before they can investigate, they are stopped by the monster whose name I wasn't paying any attention to.

At least her design pretends to be elegant.

Right, so she's just there to pretty much force Sailor Moon out into the open at this point, but none of the girls wants to turn into statues, and a fight of sorts breaks out. Then they get saved by the cats.

Is this really the most appropriate thing to say right now?

The girls jump out a window, and transform. Because... they couldn't just do it without jumping out a window? I'm confused about this. It's not like there was anyone left to see them change, and the monster couldn't see with two cats on her friggin' face. But whatever. Now they're outside, and the battle will begin, finally.

The monster politely attacks them, and they learn that none of their attacks are very effective against her attacks. Then... a rose appears?!

What a tweest!

Endymion Mask shows up on the scene, and demands the crystal in exchange for her life, which causes her to totally freeze in place while he's all making demands. Ah, but Kunzite shows up, and the boys start having a penis war over who's in charge at the moment, confusing the poor monster while the girls just kind of stand around.

.... then Sailor Moon manages to make the stupidest joke in the world, which allows her the opportunity to return the monster to her real self? But before she can heal Tuxedo Endymion, he zooms off and does his whole 'see you around' thing.

Then all the girls return to normal, and we see the exact same footage from the start of this episode, with a few minor alterations, and we get the credits.

You know, in a way, I'm kind of relieved that this show has returned to its normal state. Because it tells me that they have not, in fact, learned any lessons whatsoever, and at least if they're going to be consistent about anything, it's their inconsistency they'll keep following like religious dogma.

That, and terrible episodic structuring.

It cannot be a good thing that I am glad this show returned to being relatively terrible. I think a part of me just died inside.

I'm going to cry myself to sleep now. Good night.