Sailor Moon Episode 38 - The Snow! The Mountains! Our Friendship! And a Youma, Too!

Did everyone have a good Father's Day weekend? I certainly hope so. Family is an important thing, and if you are fortunate enough to have family worth giving a damn about, you should totally honor them every now and again with bribes of steak dinners and fine liquors.

I won't go into what I did over the weekend. It was nice. Mostly because I spent the last several days not putting myself through having to watch this show. Sadly, that means I am now behind again, which is always a pain in the ass, because I hate doing these things at the last minute. Sometimes, you just don't have much choice.

Okay, so there's some thing about skiing, giant snowballs of doom, and probably an avalanche or six. You know what the problem is with a formulaic show? You know exactly what will happen before it does. That kind of kills the suspense of a thing, after all.

Also, I am so freaking DONE with these goddamn episode titles. Like, why do they do these things? It just... it makes no sense to me at all why you would title an episode in this manner. Is this just something to do with this particular genre of shows? I don't think it is, because I've never really seen its like anywhere else before. It must just be this show, I swear.

.... I take it back. I take it all back. NOW I am done with this show.

Just picture tears streaming down my face.

This is going to be the worst episode in a long time. I can just see the writing on the wall already.

So, Usagi is at the shrine, trying to convince the other girls to go to this place. I'm going to guess it's a ski resort most likely, and they're all "gee I don't know". But convincing them to go because of a "Moon Princess Contest"?

A Moon Princess Contest.

I'll let that sink in for a few more paragraphs before I totally freak out about it, okay? Will that work for a good change of pace? Good, because I need time to process this shit before it really settles in.

WELL NO SHIT LADY!!!!

Then Rei takes the paper, and imagines herself skiing under a romantically-large moon, somehow winning the prize. The girls are hooked now, but they imagine their feline guardians would probably be against such a thing.

GEE I WONDER WHY.

This has got to be intentional. That's the only explanation. You cannot possibly be so dense as to expect this would not be the most obvious trap in the world. This is almost comical in its sheer utter badness. This is the sort of thing you expect to see in a parody work. But this? THIS IS THE REAL THING. THIS IS THE SHOW THAT HELPED LAUNCH AN ENTIRE GENRE.

My god, even little Sakura had more sense than all of these girls combined and she was only eleven!!!!

Moon. Princess. Contest.

ALL OF YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO LIVE.

I am utterly baffled. First of all, by how the villains could possibly think that such an obvious ploy would never work, but secondly by how much our heroes cannot see an obvious ploy like this even after being attacked by hairdressers.

Of course, Minako is the most responsible one of the group, so she's the one who gets to lie to the cats.

I think I'm actually going to cry because of just how seriously bad this is. These are not characters. They are just puppets at this point, going from place to place because that is what the plot dictates.

Then there's the issue of hotel reservations, but out of nowhere Yuuchirou comes up and is all "don't worry about the rooms, I got this!"

Wait, is he in on the secret or something? Does he not care about talking cats? WHY IS NOBODY CONCERNED THAT HE IS LISTENING TO YOUR SUPER SECRET CONVERSATIONS?!?!

He has family that lives in that area, so his plan is to use this to get closer to Rei because he is a creeper, just like almost every other love interest in this show thus far.

Jadeite? Creeper. Tuxedo Mask? Creeper. That psychic brat? Also a creeper. This guy? A PREVIOUSLY HOMELESS CREEPER. The only male love interest in the show so far who has not exhibited signs of being a creeper is Motoki, and he's just a moron who doesn't understand he was stringing along two middle-school girls ten years younger than him.

This is literally the worst plan ever. Even your brother's
plans weren't this bad, and he was an idiot!!

Then Endymion is all "you're an idiot who underestimates these girls who always kick your ass, and I kinda know what to expect." To which Kunzite replies, "screw off, I got this."

Bro, I don't think you got this at all.

Back in town, Luna and Artemis prepare to spend time on a kotatsu, and... what.

Son, you just broke my brain.

Rei has to ask the obvious question. What is a rich guy like him bumming out in a shrine for? I have to admit, it doesn't make any damned sense at all, why he would have given all of this up to pretty much wander around Tokyo like a vagabond instead of, y'know, getting his own place. But since when does this show ever make sense like that?

His answer is that he is 'training'.

Training. Right.

Screw exposition, it's time to go skiing. So they go skiing. Rei and Yuu are totally into this thing, and are somehow experts. Also, the others are totally trying to get the two of them to bone or something, because that's the sort of thing friends do.

Of course, if Usagi wants to win that contest, she has to go all the way up to the highest peak and ski down, because unless you are an expert, you are clearly no good.

That sounds completely disastrous, if you ask me. Unfortunately, I don't think they asked me. Then Rei is all "better hurry up or I'll steal that crown and be awesome."

SECRET. IDENTITY. EXISTS FOR A REASON.

Then there's some green-haired bitch with wicked-sharp sunglasses looking down at the slopes.

I am totally the expert skier who will inevitably become
the monster to be fought later.

No sooner do I type that than she is revealed to be, in fact, the very person I called her out to be, since Kunzite is all "find her or DIIIIE".

Also, Usagi seems terrified of heights, and I think they were watching the Olympics when they came up with this because a lot of these people do not look Japanese at all.

Then Green-hair is revealed to be an instructor who tells everyone the rules of the contest. Which is literally, "The person to ski most gracefully down the Moonlight Course to reach the goal first wins."

I'm not sure why half of those words are in there. What does grace have to do with anything? Aren't you really just saying, whoever gets there first wins the race? Isn't that how a race works in the first place? Are you even familiar with the human concept that is racing?!

Then the lights come on and she's all "Yeah, this is a night contest, but we promise it's safe."

Then, SKIING. Usagi is terrified, of course, but gets shoved down the mountain by Yuuichirou, and off we go. She is trailed by the instructor who goes down after them, which is totally not suspicious at all. Then she uses magic to change the course, and people start falling all over the place. Gasp, there's a monster nearby, and Rei realizes this! Right before she gets passed by Usagi who has zero clue how to actually ski and can't stop no matter what.

Now that it's just the two of them, the green-haired lady chuckles, and prepares a plan of attack just before the commercial break.

After the commercial break, Rei tries to give her friend some advice, which is useless because let's face it, her friend is Usagi. Then they go all Indiana Jones with a giant snowball, and I can't wait to see this episode end because this is just painful to keep watching.

Then magically, Yuu hears the sound and wonders if there's an avalanche, and our monster of the day transforms into her true self.

The true terror is her choice of fashion sense.

So now she starts uprooting the ground, creating a chasm for them to slalom through, while Yuu is all "I will save you Rei!"

This is probably the dumbest idea you've ever had.

As expected, he gets totally run over, and then the villain blows my mind once again.

HER CROTCH IS TALKING. OH MY GOD.
HER CROTCH IS TALKING.

The snowmen on her body change facial expressions, it seems. The one that makes up her waist? That is really freaking disturbing. Just look at that mouth! Look at it!!!!!

Then the chasm starts to close behind the girls, who fall onto one another, and they get trapped inside a confined space. Eventually they try to crawl out, but they are trapped in the snow, so there's not much they can do except keep trying. Which results in the same animation sequence, and talk about being a 'real woman'. Followed by some bitter memories of a once-dead boyfriend who now wants to beat you to death.

Then they have a heart-to-heart where Rei admits she's given up on Mamoru/Tuxedo Mask. Even she can't decide, how the hell should we? Then she's all "if you two don't be happy, I will punish you". Then Usagi has an actually intelligent idea for a change.

Why did she think of that before you?

I'm sure that'll work a lot better than, say, climbing a wall of snow. Which Rei tried three times now.

But just before she can transform, someone else manages to defy death entirely.

You, good sir, are insane.

He proclaims it to be a 'miracle of love' and prepares to lead them through the tunnel he burrowed, but then the instructor shows up and re-transforms again to stop them. Also, like usual, nobody suspects the real princess is the ditzy blonde. No, today, it is Rei who is the real Sailor Moon.

.... do you people not give like, physical descriptions of someone you are looking for? Don't you think that might make finding that person a hell of a lot easier?

But no. That would make too much damn sense.

Of course, even being told who the real Sailor Moon is, she won't listen, and then Yuu gets frozen solid and the girls are now free to transform, which is kind of hilarious to do at this point.

So they go from wearing very warm clothes to wearing a hell of a lot less. Then they do their stances and complain about the cold, and Mars is all angry about Yuu getting frozen solid, and the battle starts.

Though really, with Mars, how long can this fight actually last? Not very long because Tuxedo Kamen shows up suddenly, and decides to deal with them himself.

So hang on. You show up, save a girl, then immediately attack the girl? What is your plan here, precisely? I'm kind of confused here. Then Rei attempts to appeal to his emotions by talking about how they used to fight together, and how he is totally in love with the person he is trying to kill, which causes his rose to go from red to black and then the Youman shows up, but she is stopped by his rediscovered love.

Then Moon does her healing thingy, and the Youman is refreshed in a very strange pose before falling unconcious. Before she can do the same to her almost-dead-but-not-really quasi-boyfriend, he does his whole "yeah, whatever, I'm a tough guy" speech.

Taking pride in beating women? That's rich.

Then he just straight up walks out and the rose turns black again, and Sailor Moon vows to return him to normal. Rei kisses an unconcious Yuu, and then someone makes a fire after they get out of that hole.

Once he wakes up, Yuu is all "damn I'm useless" but the girls are all "naw, you're good" and then the other girls finally show up, and Minako makes a comment that has zero bearing at all on the situation at hand, then Rei stops being friends again and they end the episode.

I get where they were going with the story. I get that. By all rights, it should've been a really good plot device. But all of this execution sucks.

Moon Princess Contest.

I am never, ever getting over that.

Ever.