Sailor Moon Episode 34 - Shine, Silver Crystal! The Moon Princess Appears

Right, so there was this thing, and some stuff happened, and I suddenly didn't know friday was upon us so here we are at one in the morning trying to get this thing out onto the interwebs.

Also, I am totally not drunk. I promise you that. Have I been drinking, on the other hand...?

Let's see where this episode takes us. My best guess? Somewhere horrible.

Okay, so today's episode seems to revolve around Tuxedo Mask's identity probably being revealed to Usagi, and then a big showdown with Zoisite? Hang on, this sounds like it could contain actual plot development. We're still 12 episodes away from the end however, so what's going on here?

OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS. They are starting the episode with A FLASHBACK.

A FLASHBACK.

This isn't just pretending it has continuity, this is actual continuity!!! Even better, THEY GOT RID OF THE JUST IN CASE YOU'VE NEVER WATCHED THIS SHOW HERE IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT.

I'm frightened. Did this show just graduate from being relative crap to actually giving a crap? I am so confuse.

For the first time in this show's history, this episode picks up literally where the last one left off. Holy shit. Like, no joke, this show is trying to take itself seriously now. Of course, Sailor V answers the question from the last episode: The princess you are looking for is in another castle. But she's on the same team. Then there's sparkly eyes all around and everybody holds hands and oh god this just go so incredibly girly.

Then Artemis breaks up the mood, and runs off with Sailor V, and we head back over to Beryl's Palace of Punishment. One of these days I am going to run out of new things to call this place.

Inside, Zoisite and Kunzite are all demanding explanations about their sudden recall. Plot twist, The Great Space Eye wants Tuxedo Mask alive. Though, I wonder if maybe she just wants him all for herself? We'll just have to find out.

Elsewhere, someone is having an incredibly bad night.

You just got stabbed in the back by a gay crossdresser.
Yeah, I'd probably feel that way too bro.

He's beating himself up over not being able to protect Sailor Moon, which is funny given that he's been trying to act like an enemy towards her half of the entire time. Oh, then Zoisite shows up on his awesome projection TV screen.

You have no chance to survive make your time.

Cat's out of the bag now, Zoisite knows exactly who he is, and wants to settle things. The best idea he can come up with is a one-on-one duel at a place called the Starlight Tower.

Honestly, he's pretty screwed at this point. Off he goes to presumably head for this duel thing, and who should show up but our thick-headed heroine, who notices that he isn't exactly feeling well.

Totally not the bloody hole in his back I assure you.
Y'know, the one you just slapped.

True to form, she is completely and utterly oblivious to everything around her. Unless he just happens to have two coats that look exactly alike, which I suppose he might. I mean, dude has a friggin' projection TV, so he can probably afford to buy like, six of the same coat.

Though, he completely manages to derail her by saying nice things before walking off. Oh, then reality starts to creep into the show again.

Calling Dr Hitchcock, calling Dr Hitchcock...

Even someone as completely stupid as she is can put together that he is seriously hurt, and scares the crap out of him when she sneaks up on him just before he heads off to the tower. Then he gets all snappish and walks off, which is a lot more like the Mamoru we know.

Of course, the rabbit refuses to be deterred, and then, Zoisite's trap is sprung, catching both of them at the same time.

At this point, the others notice something is seriously wrong, as Usagi hasn't shown up for the meeting, when our unnamed blondie with a white cat shows up, telling them what is up.

Entering like a boss, complete with dramatic theme music.

Though for some reason, nobody can remember who they are. Or rather who she is, Ami puts two and two together when she sees oh look a talking white cat when have we ever seen one of those next to a blonde-haired girl? She introduces herself as Minako, and there's some bad juju going on at the Starlight Tower.

But come on, since when has Usagi ever shown to be proactive in anything, right? It's not like she is somehow a walking bad luck magnet, or that almost every terrible evil-related event seems somehow centered on her. Naw, she can't be at the Starlight Tower. Regardless, Minako takes charge, and everyone is off to the tower.

Over at the tower, the boys show off all their stones, and Zoisite laughs as Kunzite just straight up jacks all of the crystals. Then he leaves, just before the girl regains consciousness. Prettyboy's face gets cut by a rose, then he gets all pissy and vanishes, telling Mamoru to get to the top floor if he wants the crystals.

Now hold on, you just straight up stole the damn things, clearly you don't intend to give them back. Though, really what choice does he have at the moment? Then the room fills up with icicles, and Usagi puts everything together: This dude must be Tuxedo Mask. So they rush for the elevator as the floor crumbles apart, and we get a commercial break.

This is probably the most intense episode of this show ever. It's actually hard to find anything to really laugh about. Well, except for the fact that you went into an elevator when a building is probably going to start collapsing, but we've already established that magic is bullshit. Also, the elevator is alive or something, and they get trapped inside.

Down below, Ami and the girls discover that the other two are on their way to the top, and they need a way to get to the top. So what do you do?

You watch in awe as Jupiter MAKES a goddamned door is what you do.

We knew she had issues but holy shit.

I love that picture. Honestly, I do. There's no logical reason for loving it, it's just a thing that happens I suppose. Is this one better? I'm really not sure.

DAAAAAAAAYUUUUUUUUUM.

Then Jupiter goes on to explain her tactics.

That's not scary at all. Seriously.

Is it any wonder why I like this girl so much? She just gets shit done. Wall in the way? HULK SMASH.

Up above, the brotherly couple watches down as everything unfolds below them, but what do they have to worry about? They've got all the crystals, and Mamoru is literally coming straight to them. What could ever possibly go wrong at this stage of the plan?

Anyhow, in the elevator we get even more plot development as Mamoru reveals that he's after the crystals to recover his lost past. With the Silver Crystal, he can remember everything. Then he goes into flashback mode going over what he does know.

Suddenly, traumatic past reveals! Boy, this just got dark.

So, he's the sole survivor of a horrible car accident, and he can't remember anything from before he was 6. Including his name.

Hold on... I've known plenty of folks who can't remember things from that young. Is that really such a big deal? Oh, but then he mentions this recurring dream since then, which I guess wraps things up a bit. So really he's just trying to make sense of this whole crazy situation, and he feels the Silver Crystal will help him with that. Then their relationship gets a little bit better.

Up on the roof, Kunzite is making the weather change and doing Generally Evil Things. By which I mean to say, the entire tower changes form and it's not quite as friendly-looking anymore.

Oh yeah, and then Zoisite sends a big line of fire down the elevator shaft.

You're already pretty sure he's Tuxedo Mask, does it
honestly matter at this point?

Okay, so I just want to point out: What the hell is Zoisite doing? I thought he was supposed to be taking Mamoru alive, not roasting him alive? After a good fifteen seconds of like still shots, she decides to say to hell with it and transforms, leaving poor Mamoru in total shock.

Funny, that's the exact same thing all the monsters of the day
said, facial expression included.

Dude looks like he's about have a mental breakdown, and then the elevator shaft explodes.

Dude, can't she like, see your memories? That doesn't
sound like such a great plan.

Of course, Sailor Moon arrives to save the day, totally smashing his plans. Though, he still intends to go through with the whole killing them both thing, and she is given the irrefutable evidence that Mamoru is, in fact, Tuxedo Mask.

The manliest man transformation ever.

Now it is her turn to look as though she is going to have a mental breakdown, and we are treated to colored-pencil stills from the past. Then they argue over who gets to fight this particular battle, and Zoisite just watches. Can you just fight already and get this over with?

Well, at least Zoisite gets more points for attempting to be an overall backstabbing prick, as he proves he never intended to fight fair by attempting to skewer Sailor Moon with a giant crystal shard. Only to skewer Tuxedo Mask instead. Well, damn.

Then we get the music and what looks like an upcoming death scene, and the other girls finally arrive, and some tears begin to flow.

Oh, but they're magical tears, and the Rainbow Crystals activate, heading over to Moon's tear. Oh boy, here it comes, the legendary Silver Crystal. Much to everybody's surprise.

Upgrade Complete!

It would seem that the crystal was meant to go to that Moon Stick that was given to the 'leader' of the scouts. Gee, looks like Luna's intuition is a lot more accurate than anyone could have cared to admit, including herself, because that seems to me to be the sort of thing that only a Princess could wield.

Oh, then she gets all zombified and turns into, well, the Moon Princess.

Wow, she actually looks pretty damned miserable right now.

Hold on. That's the end of the episode?!

Wait, are you serious?!?!

.... god damn it you guys, why did it take you 30+ episodes to turn this into a show that actually seems GOOD?!?!?!

I'm going to go punch a pillow now, because I think I'm starting to like this show, and either that means they are making a concerted effort, or I am clearly beginning to lose my mind.

I'll let you be the judge of that. I am clearly tainted now.