Sailor Moon Episode 39 - Pairs with a Youma? The Queen on Ice, Mako-chan.

I am back, for the last day of the usual work week. That is, Friday. Everyone likes Friday. Especially the casual ones, because you will wear those non-black socks and you will like it, yes sir you will, you rebel you.

Today's pre-post non-witty banter is brought to you by Lack of Creativity. Lack of Creativity: For when you just don't give a damn.

Okay, so thanks to those wonderful episode previews, I know that this episode will involve figure skating. Also, Makoto, because she is always awesome with the athletics, unless it happens to involve skiing.

Speaking of which, what is with this current trend of sports events? If you think about it, there was the discus throw, then skiing, and now figure skating...? Hold on a second. These are all Olympic events! No wonder this seemed just a little bit fishy, they're going with an Olympic theme. This is no coincidence. The original air date was in 1992, which means that around the time these episodes were being animated, the Olympic Games were definitely going on. Now, whether they happened before or after animation production began, that could be brought into question, but it is definitely clear that the Olympics had an actual impact in their design choices here.

What lazy punks. And to think this show was beginning to look promising for an episode? Pah!

Oh god, now they're namedropping famous people.

I get it. You want to try to get kids excited about sports, right? So what better idea than to name some important people and have the main heroine attempt to defend the sanctity of an officially-sanctioned sports event? Clearly that was the intent here. How will it actually be executed, on the other hand?

My money is on horribly, horribly wrong.

Now if I wanted to be a real jerk - and trust me, I really could - I would rip on the initial cuts for this show. However, I'm not going to, considering that we've already established the budget for this show must be so-so at best. We're not talking Studio Ghibli or Production I.G. or anything like that. So, y'know, I'll just relax the reins on that. But man, does it irritate me, plus they start it with some really weird music we've never heard, then go right to people skating on TV. People named Janerin and Miisha.

I don't get that first name, but whatever, I'll probably just forget it in the next three minutes anyway, so who cares. Supposedly they are, wait for it, former gold medalists in the Olympics. Artemis seems to think that maybe Usagi's newfound interest in figure skating is a sign she is becoming more Princess-like.

Honestly, I'd be more inclined to say, she just wants to hang out with the rich starlet? Because that's a damn good reason to pretend liking anything.

Because the moon is abundant with water.

Maybe I'm being just a little bit unfair here. Maybe, just possibly, I'm reading into this too much. But you have got to admit, that is by far the lamest segue into a theme EVER. Supposedly, the Princess was the best or something. God help me.

After the title slide, we immediately go into EVIL LAIR MODE. NOPE, DONT BOTHER TO SET THE SCENE JUST PUT KUNZITE IN FRONT OF A SCREEN WITH THOSE CHARACTERS WE INTRODUCED THREE SECONDS AGO. THAT'LL DO, AYEP. Their plot? To use this sport to lure our Sailor Moon.

Please tell me you think this is a dumb plan, please
tell me you think this is a dumb plan, please...

Like always, as soon as Kunzite is all "yeah I got this" they use the exact same animation scene for when Enymion is all "nope lol you suck". At this point, tensions flare, and the boys start making funny faces at one another, and Beryl really looks like she's just waiting for these two to start dry humping or something, I swear.

Still, she gives the okay for this incredibly craptastical plan, which makes no sense at all. Then we get to meet the two skaters, who are already arguing and fighting, despite being gold medalists. I guess things aren't so fine down in paradise. But then, in a surprising twist, they magically get recruited by Kunzite.

Don't mind me, I'm just standing in a hole in the air.

Of course, just after this, the girls show up.

It's like someone's perspective studies gone wild....

Seems this arena just opened up, and, because everything in Japan needs a goddamned gimmick, they've got Olympic gold medalists giving FREE LESSONS.

You might think that maybe, after all the other times this has happened in the past, someone might have taken notice of this kind of activity? Of course not, because then the show would be boring, because it would actually make some freaking sense now and again. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a dude.

Oh, but according to Minako, it's only free if five girls enter as a team.

If that is a lie, you are a terrible person. If that's the truth?
Oh dear god they are even stupider than I imagined.

Judging by the faces of the cats, I'm inclined to suggest they are lying their asses off at the moment. Which also means they have probably placed the entire group in jeopardy? Oh but who worries about those kinds of details anyway?

Doesn't take long for everyone to change into skating outfits, and as always, Usagi is the clumsiest in the world. Then the skating partners finally show up, and start showing off for the entire crowd. Oh, then Mako goes into her own little world where she's hung up over some dude who snubbed her years ago.

Now it is time for group lessons. Why group lessons in lumps of five? Hell if I know, but the dumb rabbit's team goes first so you can just imagine this will end poorly. She's never even stood on ice before, and is liable to make a buffoon of herself, as usual.

In a previous life, you actually had a brain too.

Mako already knows how to skate because she is super athlete who cannot ski, and as predicted, Usagi can't even stand up for more than three seconds. So instead of giving lessons, they just kind of watch Mako skate around, and we learn that in another life, Jupiter was the only one who could compete with the Princess. Of course. Then there's a moment where Mako exchanges glances with the blonde prettyboy, making his medalist partner jealous, and we are then greeted with Usagi dragging the rest of the team down to her level, as always.

Then there's some computer monitors, because you need an awesome surveillance system to have those. The plan is to use this system to identify Sailor Moon by her skating prowess. At least it makes more sense than hair dryers.

You are likely to be very disappointed.

Of course, there is zero chance that Usagi is really Sailor Moon, because nobody dangerous could ever be that clumsy. Then pink-hair gets all jealous because her boytoy partner is talking to Mako.

Oh my god this again just get OVER IT.

Then we get that dreamy little sequence where they skate along, and we learn that Mako is too heavy for the man to lift. Oh, but she can just lift him up into the air no problem.

... I may have just vomited a little inside my mouth. Because she just lifted her coach up into the air with no problem. Makoto is truly a beast. Then everyone is shocked because no pair in the world has ever done something like that.

So now Makoto is on par with an Olympic gold medalist. Somehow, I get this horrible feeling they might be setting slightly unrealistic expectations for our child viewers out there in the world. Y'know, your target audience.

I mean, this is a 14-year-old girl lifting a man who is probably twice her age straight up and over her head. Nothing wrong with that image at all.

Then bubblegum gets stupid jealous and tells everyone to go home. But blondie will have none of that, because she's the best partner in the world.

I'm not sure I've ever been so thankful to see a commercial break because I want to drive a nail through my forehead now. Everyone's outside - everyone except Mako and Usagi, because Mako is getting 'special lessons' from the instructor, and Usagi... well, she just never does anything morally straight, so odds are she's spying, because nobody noticed she was missing. Way to keep tabs on your Princess there guys. You're her bodyguards why again, exactly?

At that point the shutters close, and the girls outside wonder if this wasn't really a plot of the Dark Kingdom after all. Meanwhile...

The lesson is called YOU CAN'T SKATE.

Moments later she gets clocked by the bubblegum girl, and Usagi sees the computer she was working at, moments before it explodes, realizing something is very wrong. Then pinky runs up to her partner all hurt and stuff, and he's all "baby, she don't mean nothing, I just wanted to see if she was Sailor Moon, I swear!"

Yeah, because that's what all guys say, right? No, it's cool, leave her for someone half your age, it's all good bro. Special dispensation notwithstanding, I'm sure that'll look totally legit, giving a girl her age 'special lessons'. I bet you didn't even notify her parents, you cad.

At that point, his partner literally rips off her clothes. But it's cool because she grows new ones, and turns into our Monster of the Day Part One.

Lady, he's the one with his hands on her...

She immediate executes a "Triple Axel Kick." Yes, she even screams that. The themes are strong with this one, I sense. Then the other guy transforms, and we get our full pair.

This is clearly the worst villain idea in awhile. Even worse
than Snowman lady.

At this point, I could swear they were re-enacting the Team Rocket thing. Though being five years early to that particular party, I'm sure Team Rocket was the ones doing the copying.

Surrender now or prepare to fight! Yeowch, that's right!!

Complete with this goddamned song. YES, THEY WENT THERE. They used what is quite possibly one of the most overused classical themes AND PUT IT IN THEIR SHOW.

I'm a fan of this piece, I'll put it out there. But it is impossible for me to take it seriously anytime it shows up because it's always used for this stuff! Anyways, the skaters jump attack Makoto, and hey, I remember this episode now!

What do you expect, this was very impressionable on me
when I was much younger. Deal with it!

Then Usagi shows up and turns into Sailor Moon without a second thought, and before the twin skaters can finish Mako off, Sailor Moon challenges them and suddenly sprouts skates on her boots.

Which do her absolutely zero good.

Yes, because that also cured your cowardice. Or your
stupidity. Or your awkwardness. Just saying...

Of course, just like always, Endymion Mask slides in for the save, saying that she shouldn't misunderstand because 'he doesn't like seeing innocent bystanders hurt'.

Dude. That is the most idiotic excuse ever. What does that 'innocent girl' have to do with you saving Sailor Moon? You could've just let them destroy Moon and walk away, but nope, you saved her. You're not fooling anyone. Why does Beryl put up with this, exactly?

Or you could just beat her up, steal the crystal, then
destroy the Youma? I mean how hard could that be?

Even as a villain, he does a terrible job of pretending to be a villain. Then they have a skate fight, and Sailor Moon gets a regular crash course in figure skating, by suddenly executing impossible maneuvers. Then she crashes.

Of course, Jupiter comes in for the save, electrocuting the Youma, and begging them to return to their forms. Only to be immediately joined by the other three scouts, and then Kunzite shows up and prepares to waggle his penis around by trying to just flat out kill everyone, Endymion included.

Honestly, that's probably the smartest idea, but even attacking your own minions, that's usually a terrible idea. His new plan? To literally freeze everyone into statues, then steal the crystal.

Dude, you singlehandedly kicked all of their collective asses before, why don't you just magic at them instead of coming up with this contrived bullshit that is just going to fail anyways? It's like you are deliberately pulling your punches for some stupid reason.

.... oh, right, you must have inherited your brother's idiocy. It seems to go from one general to the next.

Then he just straight up vanishes to leave everyone to their fates, which is always a stupid idea, and Endymion Mask throws his cane and hits its weak point for massive damage, thus saving everyone. But before the Youma can act, Sailor Moon waves her magical stick around, and everything is back to normal again.

Well, in that Tuxedo Mask vanished again, and the gold medalists are all "yay we can skate together yaaaaay".

Outside, the girls have a heart-to-heart with Mako, who is clearly okay with things.

It's not like you keep falling into the same romantic
traps or anything, it's all cool.

She vows to someday find a better looking... oh for god's sake.

Couldn't you at least finish the goddamned sentence?!

This girl is never going to get over a guy who never really even liked her.

And we wonder why so many women appear to be psychotic. This girl? She has some real issues. The kind of issues that sort of make me want to commit bodily harm to myself.

If women like this are real, why are you using them as role models?!

No matter how hard I try, I'm not sure I will ever be able to understand their thought process here. Maybe they just thought it was funny. But in all honesty? It just makes this creepy as hell.

I'm done for the weekend. I'm not even sure I want to do a Monday post. But most likely I will anyway, so check back then, because I doubt I will have actually learned my lesson by that point.